Giving dudes the benefit of the doubt

[Allandra]

Thank you!

You're welcome.

 

[Allandra]

I truely believe the things you except in the beginning of the relationship will be what you can expect as the relationship matures.

IMO, this is so true.

 

[tarheelgurl]

I agree with the others that what you see now will be the same things you see in the future. If you are having reservations then there must be something deep down telling you "He aint it Mzlady".

 

[meaganita]

MzLady, "A man is only as good as his word." That's the realest. All you have to go on is his word in the beginning, when you're just getting to know each other. Lack of follow through on simple things is surely a gentle "warning" of what is yet to come if you continue to deal with dude.

I also have a "no-kids" policy that I've bent the rules on for the sake of "giving someone a chance" or "being more open-minded." But, what I've found is that EVERY time I compromise my standards for ANY reason, I ALWAYS end up with less than what I deserve. It doesn't matter what kind of pass I give to a guy, if it conflicts with the standards I've set for myself and what I already know to be best for me, dude turns out to be a disappointment waiting to happen. NEVER FAILS, tried and true experience. You'll have enough challenges dealing with the dudes who DO meet your standards, let alone cutting yourself down to deal with the ones who DON'T.

Don't let your desire for companionship pressure you into settling for less than you deserve. You are a STAR MzLady, and don't you let yourself or anyone else forget that.

 

[ultrasuede]

MzLady, I really think that you should consider backing away from him. Do you think that if you had other "eggs" you wouldn't be so reluctant to chuck the deuces at him? You are setting a precedent whether you like it or not for how he will treat you in the future? I think you are completely within your right to mention it to him. If you feel strongly enough about this to make a post about then its more than enough reason to mention it politely without making a big deal out of things.

I think this is good advice because he seems to feel that can renege on his plans with you anytime he pleases. If he wants your relationship to go forward he needs to clean up his act and put some work into it. It only takes a minute to make a phone call if something comes up. And since you like him I hope he does just that. You are too nice to deal with someone who doesn't value your time. Being able to keep one's word is a very important component in a successful relationship. And actions speak louder than any words.

 

[Ladyhenri]

The ladies have spoken the truth as usual.
mz lady...you are very pretty. pls dont let any guy mess you about. Gotta be strict with these things.
Remember.. guys only misbehave if you let em.

 

[Bunny77]

But, what I've found is that EVERY time I compromise my standards for ANY reason, I ALWAYS end up with less than what I deserve. It doesn't matter what kind of pass I give to a guy, if it conflicts with the standards I've set for myself and what I already know to be best for me, dude turns out to be a disappointment waiting to happen. NEVER FAILS, tried and true experience.

THIS IS AMAZING!!! And yes, you are soooo right. Funny how whenever we try to "give a man a chance" or compromise ourselves in some way because the guy seems alright, it ALWAYS fails and guess who gets hurt? Not them!!!!

Never again, I say!

 

[meaganita]

Oh yeah, and your time is another thing, because that's about RESPECT. This guy clearly isn't showing you the respect you deserve by jerking you around and whatnot about the dates and phone calls.

He might be a cool guy, but a GOOD guy would at least demonstrate some common courtesy. Leaving someone hanging and fakin' & jakin is not it. At the very least, this guy has poor manners and social etiquette, and very little appreciation for your time and attention.

He's curb worthy fa sho!

 

[MzLady78]

Whoa..........

To be honest, I was expecting more "you're overreacting, cut the brotha some slack" posts, LOL.

I'm surprised at the "tell him to kick rocks" consensus.

But I do understand where ya'll are coming from and I appreciate everyone trying to look out for me!

 

[dlewis]

did you get my pm?

ETA: you responded, I thought I sent you another one.

 

[Bunny77]

MzLady78,

You know, it helps a lot for me to get the perspective from people in successful relationships and married folks... when DLewis said that her DH lived up to her expectations, it really echoed what I heard from other folks I know (good friends) who appear to have strong relationships.

None of them (male or female) have stories about how things were messed up in the beginning... when they found the right person, it just all seemed to click and work.

I'm trying to maintain that standard... and seeing that my friends who are married/about to be married found a man willing to meet their standards lets me know that I can't settle for less!

 

[MzLady78]

did you get my pm?

ETA: you responded, I thought I sent you another one.

I did. I was like "huh"?

LOL.

 

[meaganita]

THIS IS AMAZING!!! And yes, you are soooo right. Funny how whenever we try to "give a man a chance" or compromise ourselves in some way because the guy seems alright, it ALWAYS fails and guess who gets hurt? Not them!!!!

Never again, I say!

EXACTLY Bunny!!! Funny how that works huh!?! And it's supposed to teach us something. It's teaching me to know my worth, love myself, and hold out for what/who is truly meant for me. That doesn't mean be a drill sergeant (necessarily), but it doesn't mean being a doormat either. But every time we compromise unnecessarily, (cause it is unnessary) to give someone a pass on something important to us, or convince ourselves that it's "not that important," we are being doormats. And just like a dog , a man will sniff it out, and use it to his advantage.

That's why whenever I'm tempted to be more "flexible" I have to remind myself of the TRUTH. The truth is, if dude doesn't meet my most important standards (which are reasonable) then he simply doesn't qualify. Plain and simple.

Another thing you have to ask yourself too, especially in the beginning, is: "What makes this guy soooo special, that I'm ready to compromise what is most important to me?"

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady78,

You know, it helps a lot for me to get the perspective from people in successful relationships and married folks... when DLewis said that her DH lived up to her expectations, it really echoed what I heard from other folks I know (good friends) who appear to have strong relationships.

None of them (male or female) have stories about how things were messed up in the beginning... when they found the right person, it just all seemed to click and work.

I'm trying to maintain that standard... and seeing that my friends who are married/about to be married found a man willing to meet their standards lets me know that I can't settle for less!

Right.

But in DLewis' story, she didn't give dude the boot altogether. She let it be known what she would not take and gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, which he obviously he did because she married him.

That's not the advice I'm getting here. I'm getting "tell him to bounce, do not pass go, do not collect $200".

LOL.

 

[meaganita]

MzLady78,

You know, it helps a lot for me to get the perspective from people in successful relationships and married folks... when DLewis said that her DH lived up to her expectations, it really echoed what I heard from other folks I know (good friends) who appear to have strong relationships.

None of them (male or female) have stories about how things were messed up in the beginning... when they found the right person, it just all seemed to click and work.

I'm trying to maintain that standard... and seeing that my friends who are married/about to be married found a man willing to meet their standards lets me know that I can't settle for less!

I TOTALLY AGREE !!! I've gotten some of the BEST advice from these kinds of people. Not the fake ones that LOOK like they're happy but really aren't....I'm talking about the REAL DEAL!

 

[meaganita]

Right.

But in DLewis' story, she didn't give dude the boot altogether. She let it be known what she would not take and gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, which he obviously he did because she married him.

That's not the advice I'm getting here. I'm getting "tell him to bounce, do not pass go, do not collect $200".

LOL.

Right, but DLewis only gave him ONE chance to correct himself. The guy you're dealing with already got a pass on having kids, PLUS standing you up and not calling you on multiple occasions. Simply because you want him to redeem himself, doesn't mean he actually will.........

 

[Bunny77]

Right.

But in DLewis' story, she didn't give dude the boot altogether. She let it be known what she would not take and gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, which he obviously he did because she married him.

That's not the advice I'm getting here. I'm getting "tell him to bounce, do not pass go, do not collect $200".

LOL.

Okay, I see what you're saying... I guess in her story, ole boy did at least show up, even though he was late, so he didn't totally stand her up!

Maybe that's the difference... but hey, you have to do what you feel is best. If you want to keep this guy as a friend, tell him what bothered you and see how he responds, but I'd be reaaaaaaaaaaaal careful dealing with him from now on.

 

[MzLady78]

Right, but DLewis only gave him ONE chance to correct himself. The guy you're dealing with already got a pass on having kids, PLUS standing you up and not calling you on multiple occasions. Simply because you want him to redeem himself, doesn't mean he actually will.........

I got'cha.

Good point.

 

[dlewis]

Right.

But in DLewis' story, she didn't give dude the boot altogether. She let it be known what she would not take and gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, which he obviously he did because she married him.

That's not the advice I'm getting here. I'm getting "tell him to bounce, do not pass go, do not collect $200".

LOL.

You're right. But there was a history there and great friendship. I knew what type of man he was.

Talk to ole dude and let it be known what you expect. And see what he does from that point.

 

[MzLady78]

Okay, I see what you're saying... I guess in her story, ole boy did at least show up, even though he was late, so he didn't totally stand her up!

Maybe that's the difference... but hey, you have to do what you feel is best. If you want to keep this guy as a friend, tell him what bothered you and see how he responds, but I'd be reaaaaaaaaaaaal careful dealing with him from now on.

This is true.

Screw it, I'm joining a convent.

 

[cocoberry10]

When I was dating I didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I expected them to be on time and stay true to what they said they were gonna do.

Short story

When I first starting going out with Dh we had a date. He set the time because he was going hunting that morning. Anyways, he got lost in the woods and was about 10 mins late picking me up. (and since we were friends before I knew he had a history of being late on his dates) He knew I had tickly ways. I wouldn't go out with him even though he had a good excuse. That was not my problem that he got lost. He should have schedule his time better. We was never late after that and always kept his word.

This is beautiful

 

[MzLady78]

You're right. But there was a history there and great friendship. I knew what type of man he was.

Talk to ole dude and let it be known what you expect. And see what he does from that point.

Yeah, you're right. It definitely see the difference now. Ya'll broke it down for a sista!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Girl, this is the time he should be seriously trying to impress you. If this is how he's starting out, it's destined to get worse. I say don't get him the benefit of the doubt. He's breaking dates and not calling? I don't think so.

Sadly, I totally agree with this.

 

[Bunny77]

This is true.

Screw it, I'm joining a convent.

Right behind ya!

I'll PM you later...

 

[simplertimes]

I agree. You are the prize that he's trying to get. Let's not be so forgiving after he does these things. He'll always know he can break a date and you will eventually get over it.

This is so true! I've experienced this the past few months....Any guy that I have dated that didn't call when he said he would has turned out to be a jerk

 

[dlewis]

Mzlady you have to get yourself out there more. I don't see why you don't have at least 5-10 men knocking at your door. You should be dating every weekend and not hanging out with the ex's (not meant to offend you).

You need to be hitting the musems, malls, grocery stores, book stores, and whatever else people go to meet others. These are the places I seem to meet men.

 

[Ms Red]

D, that's not fair, you could probably meet men at the morgue

The rest of us... we have to use meetup and hope for the best lol

Mzlady you have to get yourself out there more. I don't see why you don't have at least 5-10 men knocking at your door. You should be dating every weekend and not hanging out with the ex's (not meant to offend you).

You need to be hitting the musems, malls, grocery stores, book stores, and whatever else people go to meet others. These are the places I seem to meet men.

 

[MzLady78]

Mzlady you have to get yourself out there more. I don't see why you don't have at least 5-10 men knocking at your door. You should be dating every weekend and not hanging out with the ex's (not meant to offend you).

You need to be hitting the musems, malls, grocery stores, book stores, and whatever else people go to meet others. These are the places I seem to meet men.

LMAO! Can't be offended if it's true.

But we actually don't hang like that anymore. He has a new friend.

I am trying to get out more, though. I've gotten a little better, but I definitely need to expand.

 

[MzLady78]

D, that's not fair, you could probably meet men at the morgue

The rest of us... we have to use meetup and hope for the best lol

You know!

Maybe I need to go get me a fake wedding ring, LOL.

 

[tatje]

When I was dating I didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I expected them to be on time and stay true to what they said they were gonna do.

Short story

When I first starting going out with Dh we had a date. He set the time because he was going hunting that morning. Anyways, he got lost in the woods and was about 10 mins late picking me up. (and since we were friends before I knew he had a history of being late on his dates) He knew I had tickly ways. I wouldn't go out with him even though he had a good excuse. That was not my problem that he got lost. He should have schedule his time better. We was never late after that and always kept his word.

Your short story was so funny to me. Felt bad for him. Oh well.