Giving dudes the benefit of the doubt

MzLady78

MzLady78

Well-Known Member
***Can a mod please move to relationship forum. I totally didn't realize I post this here*

So, I'm in the process of getting to know this guy right now and we're really clicking. I mean, I spent almost all day yesterday on IM with him and I couldn't not stop laughing. He told me that I'm the most interesting female he's met in a long time and that he likes my realness (I've been very blunt with him about certain things, ie. my preference for guys with no kids-he has 2).

Now we were supposed to go out last Friday, but he cancelled (he had an opportunity to make some extra cash by fixing somebody's computer). We were supposed to have lunch the next day. I spoke to him on the phone Friday night briefly and he was supposed to call me back. He never did. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday. He was supposed to call me last night. He never did.

Now, I'm the type of person who always tries to do what I say I'm gonna do, even if it's something minor like a phone call. And it irritates the hell outta me when people don't give me that consideration in return.

Part of me feels like "okay, maybe I'm overreacting". But part of me is like "is this the sign of someone who is gonna constantly disappoint me"? Because I really was disappointed when we didn't hook up Friday night.

Honestly, I've never really dated before, so I just feel like I don't know how to react to certain things. Like I wanna say something sarcastic about him not calling but I'm like maybe I should act like I don't really care so he doesn't think he's got it like that.

*sigh*

I hate being on the market again.
 
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I go through this as well when I first start talking to a guy.

The thing is you want to give the benefit of the doubt, but part of you is like I don't have time for this type of foolishness. I would wait to see if he does it again, then address it. If he continues to do it, then maybe you need to think about it being a sign of future disappointments. No need to play mind games and act like you don't care, when you know you really do.
 
MzLady78 said:
So, I'm in the process of getting to know this guy right now and we're really clicking. I mean, I spent almost all day yesterday on IM with him and I couldn't not stop laughing. He told me that I'm the most interesting female he's met in a long time and that he likes my realness (I've been very blunt with him about certain things, ie. my preference for guys with no kids-he has 2).

Now we were supposed to go out last Friday, but he cancelled (he had an opportunity to make some extra cash by fixing somebody's computer). We were supposed to have lunch the next day. I spoke to him on the phone Friday night briefly and he was supposed to call me back. He never did. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday. He was supposed to call me last night. He never did.

Now, I'm the type of person who always tries to do what I say I'm gonna do, even if it's something minor like a phone call. And it irritates the hell outta me when people don't give me that consideration in return.

Part of me feels like "okay, maybe I'm overreacting". But part of me is like "is this the sign of someone who is gonna constantly disappoint me"? Because I really was disappointed when we didn't hook up Friday night.

Honestly, I've never really dated before, so I just feel like I don't know how to react to certain things. Like I wanna say something sarcastic about him not calling but I'm like maybe I should act like I don't really care so he doesn't think he's got it like that.
*sigh*

I hate being on the market again.
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You got it. That is exactly it. For real you don't really care and you shouldn't feel bad if you do go out to dinner with another dude. Your testing the waters. Tell the first guy that you went out to dinner with a friend. If he ask be upfront about it. Your not serious with him so he nother but a thang.
 
fullsizediva said:
I go through this as well when I first start talking to a guy.

The thing is you want to give the benefit of the doubt, but part of you is like I don't have time for this type of foolishness. I would wait to see if he does it again, then address it. If he continues to do it, then maybe you need to think about it being a sign of future disappointments. No need to play mind games and act like you don't care, when you know you really do.
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Right.

I'm very open with my feelings and I don't like to play that "I'm gonna say A, while I really feel B" nonsense for the sake of how it may look to that person. Maybe I should, but I just can't.
 
MzLady78 said:
Right.

I'm very open with my feelings and I don't like to play that "I'm gonna say A, while I really feel B" nonsense for the sake of how it may look to that person. Maybe I should, but I just can't.
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Why do you have to say anything at all. Why not just go about your business form relationships with other guys. Don't call him let him do the work.
I wasn't into games and wasting time. If after 2-3 days you call him wanted to find out how "your doing" and if you make a date and he misses again throw him to the curb. Don't burn bridge with all the emotion. Yes give him the benefit of the doubt but don't throw that emotion at him. If he ask tell him.

Keep in mind you already told him what was up with the kids. Perhaps he decided to not even bother. Sometimes our rules can rule out a good guy.

This is what worked from my experiences with crazies and then my husband.
 
When I was dating I didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I expected them to be on time and stay true to what they said they were gonna do.

Short story

When I first starting going out with Dh we had a date. He set the time because he was going hunting that morning. Anyways, he got lost in the woods and was about 10 mins late picking me up. (and since we were friends before I knew he had a history of being late on his dates) He knew I had tickly ways. I wouldn't go out with him even though he had a good excuse. That was not my problem that he got lost. He should have schedule his time better. We was never late after that and always kept his word.
 
andreab said:
Why do you have to say anything at all. Why not just go about your business form relationships with other guys. Don't call him let him do the work.
I wasn't into games and wasting time. If after 2-3 days you call him wanted to find out how "your doing" and if you make a date and he misses again throw him to the curb. Don't burn bridge with all the emotion. Yes give him the benefit of the doubt but don't throw that emotion at him. If he ask tell him.

Keep in mind you already told him what was up with the kids. Perhaps he decided to not even bother. Sometimes our rules can rule out a good guy.

This is what worked from my experiences with crazies and then my husband.
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Well what I told him about that was that while it was my preference, that I would never rule anybody that had all the other qualities I liked because of it, that I would have to judge each situation on a individual basis. He said he totally understood. I asked him what his relationship was like with mothers, he said they get along fine, no drama. I said cool.

He just hit me up on IM and said he got sidetracked. Next thing he knew it was 11:00 and figured I was sleep.
 
The benefit of the doubt is what you give on the FIRST occassion. But not calling you, and ultimately standing you up on several occassions is not acceptable IMHO.

If there is one thing I value, it's my time...you can never get it back. Don't tell me you're going to do A, and not do that ****.
 
Sorry if I am being a bit forward but I am starting to think that people confuse games with throwing dudes to the curb.

Your doing good getting to know each other
He screws up once, twice
Leave dude alone. If he is goning to call or IM he will. Let him do the work.
Make one call feel him out make a date.
If he don't show and it don't work out throw him to the curb and go on about your business.


If after all this you still feel the need to say something.
Talk to him as usual don't put him on the defense. But tactfull say I am getting the sense that we click but don't seem to have time when we make plans..then let him talk.
If he don't say much and make excuse. You got go something on the stove. Then leave it be!
Also dude could have just wanted a b-call and see its not working out.
 
dlewis said:
When I was dating I didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I expected them to be on time and stay true to what they said they were gonna do.

Short story

When I first starting going out with Dh we had a date. He set the time because he was going hunting that morning. Anyways, he got lost in the woods and was about 10 mins late picking me up. (and since we were friends before I knew he had a history of being late on his dates) He knew I had tickly ways. I wouldn't go out with him even though he had a good excuse. That was not my problem that he got lost. He should have schedule his time better. We was never late after that and always kept his word.
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Dang, D- you don't play!!!! :grin:
 
SummerRain said:
The benefit of the doubt is what you give on the FIRST occassion. But not calling you, and ultimately standing you up on several occassions is not acceptable IMHO.

If there is one thing I value, it's my time...you can never get it back. Don't tell me you're going to do A, and not do that ****.
Click to expand...

Exactly!!

I won't through him under the bus yet, but he's gonna have to step it up.
 
Girl, this is the time he should be seriously trying to impress you. If this is how he's starting out, it's destined to get worse. I say don't get him the benefit of the doubt. He's breaking dates and not calling? I don't think so.
 
andreab said:
Sorry if I am being a bit forward but I am starting to think that people confuse games with throwing dudes to the curb.

Your doing good getting to know each other
He screws up once, twice
Leave dude alone. If he is goning to call or IM he will. Let him do the work.
Make one call feel him out make a date.
If he don't show and it don't work out throw him to the curb and go on about your business.


If after all this you still feel the need to say something.
Talk to him as usual don't put him on the defense. But tactfull say I am getting the sense that we click but don't seem to have time when we make plans..then let him talk.
If he don't say much and make excuse. You got go something on the stove. Then leave it be!
Also dude could have just wanted a b-call and see its not working out.
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No, I see where you're coming from.

That's why I didn't even IM him first this morning. I'm like if he wants to talk he'll say something.

I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, although I currently only have one egg, LOL. I'm gonna keep doing what I do, believe me.
 
DivaStyle said:
Girl, this is the time he should be seriously trying to impress you. If this is how he's starting out, it's destined to get worse. I say don't get him the benefit of the doubt. He's breaking dates and not calling? I don't think so.
Click to expand...


I agree. You are the prize that he's trying to get. Let's not be so forgiving after he does these things. He'll always know he can break a date and you will eventually get over it.
 
dlewis said:
When I was dating I didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I expected them to be on time and stay true to what they said they were gonna do.

Short story

When I first starting going out with Dh we had a date. He set the time because he was going hunting that morning. Anyways, he got lost in the woods and was about 10 mins late picking me up. (and since we were friends before I knew he had a history of being late on his dates) He knew I had tickly ways. I wouldn't go out with him even though he had a good excuse. That was not my problem that he got lost. He should have schedule his time better. We was never late after that and always kept his word.
Click to expand...

Hmmm.... this is a good point.

I remember when I was dating a man and he was about 10 minutes late. He called me to tell me he'd be late (got stopped by a cop) and he still ended up only being late by 15 minutes, but I thought it was nice that he called.

Well, after he later decided that he didn't want to be with me exclusively and only wanted to be "friends with benefits" suddenly, he stopped being so considerate and concerned. He'd mention things for us to do, then when something came up, he'd cancel and then never reschedule. It was like he never suggested it.

Then after we stopped dating period, he would then say he'd call on Monday (for example), and then wouldn't get back to me until say, Thursday. When I called him on the table about it, he said, "None of my other FRIENDS get all worked up if I call a few days after I said I would."

Me: "Oh, but when you wanted to get some and we were more than FRIENDS, you had no problem keeping your word. So do you only keep your word when you're dating?"

He was sheepish, and admitted that was the case. I told him that was foul... he apologized and I said, well hey, you don't have to worry about messing up again... don't ever call me again.

The end.

My point... if a man WANTS to be with you, he will pull out all the stops and even when he messes up (and he will), he'll make up for it. Too often, we give the benefit of the doubt to people who show us that they don't deserve it... and if we have to start talking about "benefit of the doubt" this early in the game, it's REALLY not worth it!

(Now, if I can only remember this advice myself! :lol:)
 
Also, did you meet him online? If so, have you met him in person yet? If the answers to those two questions are Yes and then NO....this would be even more a red flag - I'd have to wonder what he was trying to hide (like his ugly face maybe)

BUT...if not, I still feel that you shouldn't be experiencing frustration this early on. If you're frustrated after 2 weeks, you'll more than likely be frustrated after 2 months, 2 yrs, 2 kids, etc LOL
 
SummerRain said:
Also, did you meet him online? If so, have you met him in person yet? If the answers to those two questions are Yes and then NO....this would be even more a red flag - I'd have to wonder what he was trying to hide (like his ugly face maybe)

BUT...if not, I still feel that you shouldn't be experiencing frustration this early on. If you're frustrated after 2 weeks, you'll more than likely be frustrated after 2 months, 2 yrs, 2 kids, etc LOL
Click to expand...


LOL.

I did meet him online back in February, but we've already been out once. I kinda left him hanging for awhile because I realized I wasn't ready to date yet. We talked here and there but didn't actually go out until maybe 3 weeks, a month ago.

He's actually a cutie, thank goodness, LOL. Looked just like his pic. :yep:
 
Bunny77 said:
Hmmm.... this is a good point.

I remember when I was dating a man and he was about 10 minutes late. He called me to tell me he'd be late (got stopped by a cop) and he still ended up only being late by 15 minutes, but I thought it was nice that he called.

Well, after he later decided that he didn't want to be with me exclusively and only wanted to be "friends with benefits" suddenly, he stopped being so considerate and concerned. He'd mention things for us to do, then when something came up, he'd cancel and then never reschedule. It was like he never suggested it.

Then after we stopped dating period, he would then say he'd call on Monday (for example), and then wouldn't get back to me until say, Thursday. When I called him on the table about it, he said, "None of my other FRIENDS get all worked up if I call a few days after I said I would."

Me: "Oh, but when you wanted to get some and we were more than FRIENDS, you had no problem keeping your word. So do you only keep your word when you're dating?"

He was sheepish, and admitted that was the case. I told him that was foul... he apologized and I said, well hey, you don't have to worry about messing up again... don't ever call me again.

The end.

My point... if a man WANTS to be with you, he will pull out all the stops and even when he messes up (and he will), he'll make up for it. Too often, we give the benefit of the doubt to people who show us that they don't deserve it... and if we have to start talking about "benefit of the doubt" this early in the game, it's REALLY not worth it!

(Now, if I can only remember this advice myself! :lol:)
Click to expand...


And Bunny brings it....as usual!!!!! :grin:
 
I truely believe the things you except in the beginning of the relationship will be what you can expect as the relationship matures.
 
Hey MzLady78 :)

I really, truly believe these are warning signs or red flags of what is to come with him. He has had so many opportunities to come through and be dependable but has chosen no to. What does that say about the type of man he is? I hate broken promises, personally... Whether it is a date, a phone call, an outing, a favor... If you agree to something, just do it!

It's almost as if he is setting the (low) standard already and I believe you deserve so much more. If he can't be counted on to come through on the little things, what about the big things?

If I was in this situation, I would not get involved further. My loneliness and boredom would just have to be entertained by someone worthy of my company. You have already given him the benefit of the doubt by aggreeing to go on a date with him although he has 2 kids... and he is aware of that. That concession right there should have him on his best behavior. I would move on. JMHO.

ETA: I just read dlewis' response and I totally agree :yep:
Also, when SO and I first started dating, I was upfront and told him that if he wanted to go on a date on Saturday, I needed to know by Wednesday. Location, how to dress, etc. He always stuck to that rule and once called on Thurs. to ask for a Sunday date. It wasn't that serious, but you get my drift lol
MzLady78***Can a mod please move to relationship forum. I totally didn't realize I post this here*

So, I'm in the process of getting to know this guy right now and we're really clicking. I mean, I spent almost all day yesterday on IM with him and I couldn't not stop laughing. He told me that I'm the most interesting female he's met in a long time and that he likes my realness (I've been very blunt with him about certain things, ie. my preference for guys with no kids-he has 2).

Now we were supposed to go out last Friday, but he cancelled (he had an opportunity to make some extra cash by fixing somebody's computer). We were supposed to have lunch the next day. I spoke to him on the phone Friday night briefly and he was supposed to call me back. He never did. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday. He was supposed to call me last night. He never did.

Now, I'm the type of person who always tries to do what I say I'm gonna do, even if it's something minor like a phone call. And it irritates the hell outta me when people don't give me that consideration in return.

Part of me feels like "okay, maybe I'm overreacting". But part of me is like "is this the sign of someone who is gonna constantly disappoint me"? Because I really was disappointed when we didn't hook up Friday night.

Honestly, I've never really dated before, so I just feel like I don't know how to react to certain things. Like I wanna say something sarcastic about him not calling but I'm like maybe I should act like I don't really care so he doesn't think he's got it like that.

*sigh*

I hate being on the market again.
Click to expand...
 
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Bunny77 said:
My point... if a man WANTS to be with you, he will pull out all the stops and even when he messes up (and he will), he'll make up for it. Too often, we give the benefit of the doubt to people who show us that they don't deserve it... and if we have to start talking about "benefit of the doubt" this early in the game, it's REALLY not worth it!

(Now, if I can only remember this advice myself! :lol:)
Click to expand...

Just cosigning here! :yep:
 
MzLady, I really think that you should consider backing away from him. Do you think that if you had other "eggs" you wouldn't be so reluctant to chuck the deuces at him? You are setting a precedent whether you like it or not for how he will treat you in the future? I think you are completely within your right to mention it to him. If you feel strongly enough about this to make a post about then its more than enough reason to mention it politely without making a big deal out of things.
 
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