Give in or separate?

TheNewFine

TheNewFine

New Member
I am in the process of losing my wonderful husband.

Background: He has two children from a previous marriage, D15 and S13. The 13-year-old boy is a constant source of conflict and has been for the 3 1/2 years we have been together. The entire time we have been together has been MAJOR DRAMA from their mother. DH could only have supervised visitation when we were engaged, during our wedding and the first 4 months we were married because he was under court order. All of that came to nothing and everyone went on like nothing had happened (except for monumental legal fees!)


The son has been kicked out of school, very disrespectful to DH and myself, snoops, spies and tells lies. DH was reported to CPS by his mom for spanking the son after getting kicked out of school for the 17th time in one school year! She took him to court and DH lost custody for 7 months while they battled in court. She tried to file criminal charges and have him lose his job. Son had a temper tantrum in the principal's office and charged at DH, told him he hated him and ran out of the room in front of his mother, all of his teachers and the administrators. His mom has encouraged him to disrespect all authority figures, constantly making excuses for his behavior, defending him and completely turning him against DH. She even told him that they would be better off if DH were dead because they would get the life insurance money and went on to calculate how much they would get. We took SS to family camp and he went around telling everyone this, much to my children's horror because they would give anything to have their father back (he died 4 1/2 years ago.) SS has been to 5 schools in the 3 years I've been on the scene and they have moved just as many times. They are unstable and thrive on chaos. DH is just the opposite and that's one of the reasons he left.

SS has always been encouraged to "get in grown folks business" and keep a lot of mess going on between his mom and dad. DH had a really hard time having any positive feelings for his son, didn't trust him (to the point of thinking SS might try to do him harm) and didn't want him around because of the negativity he brought to every situation. He used to snoop on DH computer and report back whatever he found - he has been encouraged and rewarded for this behavior.

Fast forward: About 2 months ago, SS started secretly asking DH to come and live with us - I have two teens from a previous relationship. I finally hear about this latest development about 3 weeks ago. DH approaches me and I could tell much discussion had already gone on about it. I guess SS's mom is sick of him now that she has ruined him and can't wait for him to move out. She wanted her sister (in another state) to take him, DH, anybody. She got mad at him one day and kicked him out of the house. DH brought him home (on a non-visitation day) and I got mad because we have very little time to ourselves and their mom NEVER bends or cooperates if we want to change visitation. DH cannot bring them home 10 minutes early or they will be locked out. She is bitter, vindictive and very controlling. But this incident really touched DH emotionally and now he wants to rescue his son from this toxic situation.

Current situation: I told DH there is no way I can handle his son can coming to live with us, particularly because it will bring his mother closer into our home and life. We have done a pretty good job or keeping her in check but this would open the door wide open. I have had so much drama from this camp that I will not allow it into our house on a full time basis. I told DH I can understand his position but the only way that it could work is if he moved out. We had discussed this as a possibility before we were married because we knew we would have problems with his kids and their mother.
So DH feels he has to honor his son's wishes and is now planning to find a place to live with him. This thing has happened so fast I don't know what to think but I know I can't give in. I have been there with DH through all of this mess and really feel as though I would be letting the devil in my home if I allowed this to happen.

We both agreed that we would stay married, just live in two separate households.

Please advise, ladies.
 
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I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. I wish I had something to tell you.....besides pray. But honestly.....that's all I could think of to say.

I will be praying for you and your family.
 
I don’t see how separating will solve anything other than probably making the EX happy. I‘m sure she would love it if this situation drove you and DH apart. You say your DH is wonderful, in that case I would do everything possible to keep your marriage together. What would your response be if it was one of your children who was troubled. Have you considered family counseling and some type of structured after school program? Have you and your DH sat down with SS and set parameters for his behavior and consequences for his misbehavior if he moves in? Is DH prepared to basically be a single parent. DH really needs to thoroughly think this through and you both need to show a united front so SS learns that his manipulations are no use. I know it will not be easy but I really hope you and DH can work things out.
 
Wow, I don't advocate separation. Why not let the SS move in and see how things go. If things don't work out, you would have separated anyway... My suggestion is to sit with an attorney and get custody from the mother. If you can draft some document saying that the husband can raise the boy as he see fit, that would be nice. I'm not sure if that is doable but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
 
Your situation sounds almost like mine when it comes to my now dh and his than 16 year old now 18 year old son. His mom was some what like your step sons mom in the beginning and we had the step son 6 years ago and she did have more excess to our home and tried to cause stuff. Anywho the son ended up going back to his mom back than she waved her motherly charms and he went back. But later started doing the same stuff over again. So DSS came back to us when he was 16 i had been against him coming back for years and ended up giving in and he lived here for a year and some months. Long story short DSS proved i was right all along and his dad ended up putting him up in a apartment with his older sis and footing the bill until the son turned 18.
Things got bad between DSS and DH and he did the same type of performance your DH's son did in school and all minus the hateful words but they did almost come to blows.

I say let him come live with you don't end your marriage or live apart cause they will end up winning. In the end the real colors of the situation will come to like and your Dh will understand your stand point in things. Because your DSS's mom might flip script and wave them motherly charms like my SS's did.

I only agreed to let the son come back because he was DH's child and the situation he was in with his mom was not cool. But DSS was still the same with the same issues he had way back when he was 12 years old living with us. It just got worse because of his hormone's.

But another way i looked at it is if it was my son how would i feel if the wife or GF was in my position.

You should remember that a part of his issues may have been wanting his mom and dad to get back together. And she could have filed his head with a bounce of stuff though out the years. Either way he is set in is ways now. And if you let him come with you he should get some counseling to help him deal with things he has been though and what his mom has told him.


Give in and let him come. Be ready though for any changes that may come up.
 
I'd give in. I don't see the point of separation. When you married your DH, you married his son as well. As far as I'm concerned, SS is your child too now and you have a responsibility to care for him. As long as he is not trying to harm anybody in the house, especially the other two children, he should be allowed in, imo. Don't isolate him; by doing so, you are also isolating your wonderful dh.
 
Why not take the money your DH would spend on the new apartment and send the boy off to a military boarding school? He needs some extreme discipline in his life. Send him off!
 
Puddles said:
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. I wish I had something to tell you.....besides pray. But honestly.....that's all I could think of to say.

I will be praying for you and your family.
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Thank you so much, Puddles. We are Christian and I definitely believe in the power of prayer! Thank you!
 
gemstar said:
I don’t see how separating will solve anything other than probably making the EX happy. I‘m sure she would love it if this situation drove you and DH apart.
This has been her goal (and SS) since day one. They both really resented us getting together even though they had already been divorced for 2 1/2 years will I met him. I've thought about this and how happy it would make her and that's almost the last thing I want to do. The very last thing I want to have happen is make myself miserable to spite her.
You say your DH is wonderful, in that case I would do everything possible to keep your marriage together.

And I have done so much and tolerated a lot of things from the ex and the SS. that's why I am fed up now.

What would your response be if it was one of your children who was troubled.
I've thought about that, too. I had been raising my kids alone. Their father died 4 1/2 years ago. Even with DH in the house, he is not really a father-figure to them. They were already teens when we met and had been through so much that he chose to be available but not try to replace their father. My kids are really good kids and so is DH's daughter.

Have you considered family counseling and some type of structured after school program?
We did. We took the kids to counseling about 6 months into our relationship because their mom was already planting really bad seeds in their head. She put the stop on that quick, fast and in a hurry. She called the director of the clinic and threatened to have it closed if they continued with the sessions.

Have you and your DH sat down with SS and set parameters for his behavior and consequences for his misbehavior if he moves in?
No because moving in was never an option for either one of us until this incident a month ago. He really didn't like either one of us and his mother would trash us all of the time.


Is DH prepared to basically be a single parent.
He really would be plus he's a firefighter and works a 24 hour shift. this is where I would have come in and I am not signing on to be his primary caregiver when his mother in in the bed asleep. so if he moved out he would have to have someone else watch him every third day. He mother already said she wanted no visitation.

DH really needs to thoroughly think this through and you both need to show a united front so SS learns that his manipulations are no use. I know it will not be easy but I really hope you and DH can work things out.
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I hope so too but right now I don't see a compromise.
 
Keen said:
Wow, I don't advocate separation.
I know - I never thought it would come to this.

Why not let the SS move in and see how things go.
Because there has just been so much said and done and never addressed that I don't know how to start over at this point.

If things don't work out, you would have separated anyway... My suggestion is to sit with an attorney and get custody from the mother. If you can draft some document saying that the husband can raise the boy as he see fit, that would be nice.
I'm not sure if that is doable but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
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We could and that's a possibility, although I don't really see her giving up control. She did say she wanted no formal visitation and wasn't sure if she would waive child support. See what I'm dealing with? :nono:
 
Chinagem said:
I'd give in. I don't see the point of separation. When you married your DH, you married his son as well. As far as I'm concerned, SS is your child too now and you have a responsibility to care for him. As long as he is not trying to harm anybody in the house, especially the other two children, he should be allowed in, imo. Don't isolate him; by doing so, you are also isolating your wonderful dh.
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I agreed with your position totally - 4 years ago. When we first met, I did everything for DH's kids that I did for my own. I was very loving and generous toward them. That's why the ex hates me. Because her kids were really starting to feel like we were a family. Every time my DH had them, he brought them over and all six of us would do fun stuff that DH and I would plan. DH called it team building. We went bowling, to the movies, water parks, camping, out to dinner. I cooked for them all the time. We had a ball and she could not STAND it! so she started working on their minds. "She will never be anything to you but your fahter's girlfriend or wife." "she better not ever tell you what to do". "She better not come to SD recital" "You better not get her a Mother's Day card" "She better not be at the mall (we were shopping for the kids clothes to wear to our wedding but had to have a chaperone because DH was under court order on trumped up charges.) So on and on and on it went until any desire to bond was beaten out of all of us. So now to come back after all this drama and say Hey you know that kid I taught to hate you, here you raise him! :look:

Also I would be caring for SS by myself every third day because DH works a 24 hour shift.
 
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SweetNic_JA said:
Why not take the money your DH would spend on the new apartment and send the boy off to a military boarding school? He needs some extreme discipline in his life. Send him off!
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ITA - He was recommended for a program called Prehab but the ex was too lazy to take him everyday. It was a summer program near where they live, about 45 minutes from us.

He definitely needs the discipline!
 
SweetNic_JA said:
Why not take the money your DH would spend on the new apartment and send the boy off to a military boarding school? He needs some extreme discipline in his life. Send him off!
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This is what I was going to say. Send his ass to boot camp and straighten him out. Sound like baby mama won. Send the boy away so he can get his act together.
 
WOW ValleyV I send prayers up on your situation. I think the ladies here have all given some good advice to ponder. In the end pray about it and make your decision. It will all work out I believe:yep:
 
gemstar said:
I don’t see how separating will solve anything other than probably making the EX happy. I‘m sure she would love it if this situation drove you and DH apart. You say your DH is wonderful, in that case I would do everything possible to keep your marriage together. What would your response be if it was one of your children who was troubled. Have you considered family counseling and some type of structured after school program? Have you and your DH sat down with SS and set parameters for his behavior and consequences for his misbehavior if he moves in? Is DH prepared to basically be a single parent. DH really needs to thoroughly think this through and you both need to show a united front so SS learns that his manipulations are no use. I know it will not be easy but I really hope you and DH can work things out.
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1st post!!! that's deep. I agree 100% sounds like it's time to dig your heels in and pray of course. sorry you're going through this...
 
I don't think you should serperate, I'm sure you can work something out, don't let her win don't give her the satisfaction she sounds crazy!!

Good luck

:)
 
I'm sorry, but none of us live in your house with all the madness that's going on. You still have your two kids to think about and I'm sure they didn't sign up to be brought into a crazy situation. :yep: People will always pressure you to stay in a bad relationship because they always want to see a happy ending. You know what you should do and only you know how much you can take! :yep: It's not about his Ex winning or losing, it's about the stress your under and the fact that your dealing with ish you don't have to deal with. :yep: Even though you asked for advice, only you know how much you can take. If you left and took your kids, who are we to say your wrong, but I'm sure some will. :spinning: I will never understand why people who are not living in that person's shoes, always tell people to stay and work it out. :look: Don't you all think she's talk to her husband 50-11 times and nothing has changed???
 
Princess4real said:
I'm sorry, but none of us live in your house with all the madness that's going on. You still have your two kids to think about and I'm sure they didn't sign up to be brought into a crazy situation. :yep: People will always pressure you to stay in a bad relationship because they always want to see a happy ending. You know what you should do and only you know how much you can take! :yep: It's not about his Ex winning or losing, it's about the stress your under and the fact that your dealing with ish you don't have to deal with. :yep: Even though you asked for advice, only you know how much you can take. If you left and took your kids, who are we to say your wrong, but I'm sure some will. :spinning: I will never understand why people who are not living in that person's shoes, always tell people to stay and work it out. :look: Don't you all think she's talk to her husband 50-11 times and nothing has changed???
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ITA - It's a very thin line between "you should stay and work it out" and then 6 months later "I wouldn't be taking that - how did you get in this mess?" :rolleyes:
 
Princess4real said:
I'm sorry, but none of us live in your house with all the madness that's going on. You still have your two kids to think about and I'm sure they didn't sign up to be brought into a crazy situation. :yep: People will always pressure you to stay in a bad relationship because they always want to see a happy ending. You know what you should do and only you know how much you can take! :yep: It's not about his Ex winning or losing, it's about the stress your under and the fact that your dealing with ish you don't have to deal with. :yep: Even though you asked for advice, only you know how much you can take. If you left and took your kids, who are we to say your wrong, but I'm sure some will. :spinning: I will never understand why people who are not living in that person's shoes, always tell people to stay and work it out. :look: Don't you all think she's talk to her husband 50-11 times and nothing has changed???
Click to expand...


I agree and as unstable and angry as this kid sounds Id be scared to sleep with him in the house.
 
Since the mother is giving up custody of the boy, can you guys begin to do counseling sessions again? What about having him in some sort of male metoring program afterschool or even talking with a pastor you all trust?

I would not give up my husband for this foolishness. ESPECIALLY since you already know this is what the mother wants!! BOTH of you need to sit down with the boy if you allow him to move in and lay down all of the rules and the first time he messes up...get in that a**! I understand all of the drama and foolishness you have been through but I say try once more. That boy sounds like he is searching for something and you two may be just the ones to give it to him.

I think this boy may feel as no one really cares about him...mom giving him up, not repremanding him when he is wrong, not living with his father and you choosing to seperate from your husband than to deal with him.

As frustrated as you are with the boy, his mom, and ur DH, I am certin that you do care, but allowing your husband to live sepreate sends the wrong message to the boy. It says he has control over this family unit, and you would rather lose ur husband than try and love him. (I know this isnt true but this is the message he could get from it)

I just worry that if the child does grow up and get better, ur relationship will suffer more since you would have sepreated yourself from him more, thus creating another set of problems.

Be very careful about what you decide but if your husband is really that wonderful, there is no way you should be letting anything seperate you.
 
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p31woman said:
Since the mother is giving up custody of the boy, can you guys begin to do counseling sessions again? What about having him in some sort of male metoring program afterschool or even talking with a pastor you all trust?

I would not give up my husband for this foolishness. ESPECIALLY since you already know this is what the mother wants!! BOTH of you need to sit down with the boy if you allow him to move in and lay down all of the rules and the first time he messes up...get in that a**! I understand all of the drama and foolishness you have been through but I say try once more. That boy sounds like he is searching for something and you two may be just the ones to give it to him.

I think this boy may feel as no one really cares about him...mom giving him up, not repremanding him when he is wrong, not living with his father and you choosing to seperate from your husband than to deal with him.

As frustrated as you are with the boy, his mom, and ur DH, I am certin that you do care, but allowing your husband to live sepreate sends the wrong message to the boy. It says he has control over this family unit, and you would rather lose ur husband than try and love him. (I know this isnt true but this is the message he could get from it)

I just worry that if the child does grow up and get better, ur relationship will suffer more since you would have sepreated yourself from him more, thus creating another set of problems.

Be very careful about what you decide but if your husband is really that wonderful, there is no way you should be letting anything seperate you.
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What you say is true about him feeling unloved. But is that my role? I have two teens I'm raising basically alone (DH is not hands on with them at all) and have been for 4 1/2 years. Is it fair that I should be responsible for raising him when his mother made this mess and then expects me to pick up the pieces?

I am a great mom and they see this- I have been able to either stay at home or work from home most of their lives. SS sees what they have and wants it - it makes me feel used, not loved. He and his mom are takers so this is just another manipulation to get the most of the situation. DH moved into my house and we rented out his. I already lived in a nice upscale neighborhood, SUV, sports convertible, pool, cleaning lady, yard man - the whole nine. Bought my daughter a car when she got her license, we have traveled all over the states and Europe. My first DH made a great living and we have been blessed. But SS is very materialistic, IMO and wants what we (I) can offer. My kids are not. When he comes over to our house, the neighborhood kids invite him to pro football or basketball games and they sit in a box or 50 yard line seats. He also wants to go to the high school where you have to be practically an Olympic athlete to succeed. The school usually goes to the state finals in all the major sports and band competitions.

So another element of this is "Oh, I want to live with Dad now and cash in on all the stuff his wife does for her kids". This was even expressed in an e-mail form the ex. "So now if Jr. comes to live with you, I hope you will stop being so selfish and do for him what valleyVal does for her kids". I'm not doing that. I started off that way and was kicked in the teeth. It takes a whole lot for me to give up, I am an eternal optimist. I went through a lot with my kids and the death of my first husband but this may be more than I can bear. :ohwell:
 
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valleyval said:
What you say is true about him feeling unloved. But is that my role? I have two teens I'm raising basically alone (DH is not hands on with them at all) and have been for 4 1/2 years. Is it fair that I should be responsible for raising him when his mother made this mess and then expects me to pick up the pieces?

I am a great mom and they see this- I have been able to either stay at home or work from home most of their lives. SS sees what they have and wants it - it makes me feel used, not loved. He and his mom are takers so this is just another manipulation to get the most of the situation. DH moved into my house and we rented out his. I already lived in a nice upscale neighborhood, SUV, sports convertible, pool, cleaning lady, yard man - the whole nine. Bought my daughter a car when she got her license, we have traveled all over the states and Europe. My first DH made a great living and we have been blessed. But SS is very materialistic, IMO and wants what we (I) can offer. My kids are not. When he comes over to our house, the neighborhood kids invite him to pro football or basketball games and they sit in a box or 50 yard line seats. He also wants to go to the high school where you have to be practically an Olympic athlete to succeed. The school usually goes to the state finals in all the major sports and band competitions.

So another element of this is "Oh, I want to live with Dad now and cash in on all the stuff his wife does for her kids". This was even expressed in an e-mail form the ex. "So now I if Jr. comes to live with you, I hope you will stop being so selfish and do for him what valleyVal does for her kids". I'm not doing that. I started off that way and was kicked in the teeth. It takes a whole lot for me to give up, I am an eternal optimist. I went through a lot with my kids and the death of my first husband but this may be more than I can bear. :ohwell:
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Frankly I understand why you would want to live separately. Although this may not be a popular opinion. You have 2 other kids to look out for. I would not sacrifice my kids happiness and well being for this child who is obviously troubled. The mom created a bad situation and now she wants to dump her problem child on you. That is not right. I feel sorry for the child, but you did not create his situation. Mom is a user and she created a user, so now let the father deal with him. I can imagine this is extremely tough, but you have got to look out for you and your kids. When it comes down to it your husband may side with the son, right or wrong.
 
(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this madness. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I don't have much to offer you in terms of advice, only that you should stay focused on you and your kids...whatever decision you make should be in your best interest and in the best interest of your children.

You seem to be a woman with an enormous amount of grace, strength and courage. You've been through a lot with the passing of your first DH, and I know you will make it through this current challenging experience as well.

Take Care.

valleyval said:
What you say is true about him feeling unloved. But is that my role? I have two teens I'm raising basically alone (DH is not hands on with them at all) and have been for 4 1/2 years. Is it fair that I should be responsible for raising him when his mother made this mess and then expects me to pick up the pieces?

I am a great mom and they see this- I have been able to either stay at home or work from home most of their lives. SS sees what they have and wants it - it makes me feel used, not loved. He and his mom are takers so this is just another manipulation to get the most of the situation. DH moved into my house and we rented out his. I already lived in a nice upscale neighborhood, SUV, sports convertible, pool, cleaning lady, yard man - the whole nine. Bought my daughter a car when she got her license, we have traveled all over the states and Europe. My first DH made a great living and we have been blessed. But SS is very materialistic, IMO and wants what we (I) can offer. My kids are not. When he comes over to our house, the neighborhood kids invite him to pro football or basketball games and they sit in a box or 50 yard line seats. He also wants to go to the high school where you have to be practically an Olympic athlete to succeed. The school usually goes to the state finals in all the major sports and band competitions.

So another element of this is "Oh, I want to live with Dad now and cash in on all the stuff his wife does for her kids". This was even expressed in an e-mail form the ex. "So now I if Jr. comes to live with you, I hope you will stop being so selfish and do for him what valleyVal does for her kids". I'm not doing that. I started off that way and was kicked in the teeth. It takes a whole lot for me to give up, I am an eternal optimist. I went through a lot with my kids and the death of my first husband but this may be more than I can bear. :ohwell:
Click to expand...
 
valleyval said:
What you say is true about him feeling unloved. But is that my role? I have two teens I'm raising basically alone (DH is not hands on with them at all) and have been for 4 1/2 years. Is it fair that I should be responsible for raising him when his mother made this mess and then expects me to pick up the pieces?

I am a great mom and they see this- I have been able to either stay at home or work from home most of their lives. SS sees what they have and wants it - it makes me feel used, not loved. He and his mom are takers so this is just another manipulation to get the most of the situation. DH moved into my house and we rented out his. I already lived in a nice upscale neighborhood, SUV, sports convertible, pool, cleaning lady, yard man - the whole nine. Bought my daughter a car when she got her license, we have traveled all over the states and Europe. My first DH made a great living and we have been blessed. But SS is very materialistic, IMO and wants what we (I) can offer. My kids are not. When he comes over to our house, the neighborhood kids invite him to pro football or basketball games and they sit in a box or 50 yard line seats. He also wants to go to the high school where you have to be practically an Olympic athlete to succeed. The school usually goes to the state finals in all the major sports and band competitions.

So another element of this is "Oh, I want to live with Dad now and cash in on all the stuff his wife does for her kids". This was even expressed in an e-mail form the ex. "So now I if Jr. comes to live with you, I hope you will stop being so selfish and do for him what valleyVal does for her kids". I'm not doing that. I started off that way and was kicked in the teeth. It takes a whole lot for me to give up, I am an eternal optimist. I went through a lot with my kids and the death of my first husband but this may be more than I can bear. :ohwell:
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Dang that is hard. Does he not understand you do for your children because of their good behavior? That maybe something else to add in that if he does live with you guys EVERYTHING besides the necessities of life, he has to work to earn?

What city are you guys in? Is their no type of metoring program out there? What about uncles? Does the boy not have any on his mother's side or father's side that can help? It seems like even if ur DH moves out he/ya'll are gonna need some help with the boy. What if the boy talked with a pastor?

I just hate to have you lose your husband over this.:nono:
 
Ive been keeping an eye on this thread ValleyV, and it really is heartbreaking to hear of this situation:sad:. I know you would do anything to just get the right answer as to what to do, but just listen to your heart and what feels right. This isnt gonna be simple, but you can over come this.:yep:
 
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