Friends with the ex?

[rainbowknots]

Question for you ladies. Do you think it's possible for two people to become friends after dating. I'm wondering if after years of loving someone, is it possible to turn them into a buddy. If so, how long do you think you have to be separated before you can attempt a platonic relationship? Just curious to here you guy's feedback on it. If you have experienced this please share.

ETA: For the ladies that successfully maintained a friendship with an ex, how long did the relationship last before you called it quits.

 

[glamazon386]

I'm friends with my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for 5 years. It ended pretty bad over the course of some months but it was like we'd spend months apart/not speaking here and there. Over time it became easier. I think once I was finally over him, it became much easier to deal with him even if it was at a distance. We still speak from time to time just to check up on each other but not on a regular basis. I have no hard feelings and neither does he. We were good friends before we ever started dating though so I think that's why we were able to go back to that stage.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

Same here, but my relationship was like 4 yrs. And it ended badly also. We were broken up for about 5 months before I decided to give him a ring and see what he was up to. I had kinda been over him before we were broken up, but i was stuck in that i don't want him, but i dont want anyone else to have him either stage We hang out a couple nights a week and he has a gf now. I don't see him in a romantic way anymore, the desire to have sex with him is like -100 lol. Its nice cuz he is super fun to be with but terrible as a bf.

I'm friends with my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for 5 years. It ended pretty bad over the course of some months but it was like we'd spend months apart/not speaking here and there. Over time it became easier. I think once I was finally over him, it became much easier to deal with him even if it was at a distance. We still speak from time to time just to check up on each other but not on a regular basis. I have no hard feelings and neither does he. We were good friends before we ever started dating though so I think that's why we were able to go back to that stage.

 

[countrychickd]

My ex and I are good friends now. We were together almost four years. We broke up, and then ceased contact for about six or seven months. Then we would contact each other once in a while. Now we're good friends. I talk to him about my current relationship. I no longer see him in a romantic way. It may help that before we broke up I was fed up with him, and I was already falling out of love with him.

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

To me, he is an ex for a reason.
We never started out as friends so I don't see the point of trying to be friends after it is over.
Also, I don't think it is appropriate to keep people you used to be romantic with in your life when you move on to other relationships.

 

[rainbowknots]

I think that if people had a good friendship prior to dating it would be easier to be friends eventually.

 

[countrychickd]

To me, he is an ex for a reason.
We never started out as friends so I don't see the point of trying to be friends after it is over.
Also, I don't think it is appropriate to keep people you used to be romantic with in your life when you move on to other relationships.

I agree. I'm now deciding that this new relationship that I'm currently in is definitely worth it to me to finally let this friendship with my ex go. It's about that time. It can be somewhat disrespectful or hurtful to a new SO.

 

[brickhouse]

No. My exhusband is ex for a reason. He did things to me that you would not do to a friend. He is a pathological liar and he is still lying today about living with a woman. I don't care either way. His brother died last Friday and he has been constantly calling me and even put his mother on the phone.

 

[FlowerHair]

It depends on the relationship we had. Some exes I don't want to hear from or see ever again, and some I really like.

I believe in keeping men as friends, but on a little distance...no talking every day and stuff. As soon as feelings have cooled off, a casual friendship should be the goal IMO.

 

[Vinyl]

This is an interesting thread. I'd like to be friends with my ex, but I don't think I could be until I'm happy with where I am in life. I tend to have, "Hm, he seems to have achieved more than I have since the break up" jealousy.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

My HS sweetheart and I were best friends for three years, dated for about a year, broke up, didn't speak for two years (throughout which the secret that he was gay came out), and then finally had a big heart to heart about another year later.

This year marks nine years that we've been in each other's lives and to be honest, he's my best friend (as I am his).

Granted, the scenario I went through is not normal by any means, and to be honest, had it been anyone else I likely wouldn't try to attempt a friendship post-dating, but the bond between us is just way too strong to pretend that we don't exist.

Other than him, no.

 

[bestblackgirl]

I'm friends with both of my exes. We still talk to this day. And i dated both of them for a year. We are not jealous of each other. We all know there is nothing between us anymore but friendship so there is no reason to not be happy for each other. When i need advice about anything or help getting something fix. I know i can go to either one of them and they will gladly help me.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I get along with a majority of the guys I use to date. One of them is now my very good friend. Ike(name changed) I dated right before I met my current SO and him and I get along real well. My SO gets along with both of them too lol.

Same with my SO, he's good friend is a girl he dated in high school for a couple of months.

 

[Nyssa28]

Nah, I've never really had a desire to remain friends, it's been them moreso contacting me to see what's up.

 

[LadieCrn]

I had an ex years back, we were together for a little over two years. Things ended badly. I was glad cause that was my way out. Anyway maybe a year later I realized someone had been calling my house phone (no one ever answers it) for almost 9 months. I called the number and of course it was him. We spoke, he asked me to be his friend, talking about he has no one to talk to like that. I was like please, I have moved on with my life.
In my honest opinion, if we weren't friends prior to the relationship then we don't need to be friends after.
If anyone else feels its ok to be friends then so be it but in my opinion its not for me. On top of that I am not friends with any of my exes because I know if one of my SO exes came out the wood works talking about they want to be friends, it WILL NOT be happening. (I don't believe in a double standard)
And no I do not have low self esteem and no I am not insecure with my relationship, and no to the host of other implications that may be made.

 

[Browndilocks]

Im going to be really honest. This is from my own experience.

I dont think its a good idea to be friends - especially really good friends - with an ex. I thought I had a great friendship with my ex boyfriend. Things between us didnt end on a sour note, although there were some hurt feelings & emotions that festered for a little while after our break up.

When we began a friendship, everything was cool because neither of us wanted to be involved with each other romantically. I however still had expectations of him simply because of the previous relationship we had. Not expectations in a romantic way but expectations like "I need him to move this piece of furniture across the room for me now" expectations. Whenever he could not be there for me in the capacity that I wanted, I would get offended. I felt that way because i still had the mentality that since we had this relationship in the past, then it somehow put me on the friendship pedestal, even though technically I was in the friend category like everyone else. It was hard for me to be cool with not being a priority in his life like I was when we were together. I felt like no matter what, we had that special bond and I am forever to remain special, regardless of whatever else is going on in his life. That wasnt the right attitude to have and I had to check myself. I raised up & faded to black.

Many times, going from being in a romantic relationship to being just a friend is like a demotion. You really have to be honest with yourself to assess if its something for you. We still call each other to say happy birthday, merry christmas, etc but thats about as far as it needs to go IMO.

 

[NaturallyGraceful]

Im going to be really honest. This is from my own experience.

I dont think its a good idea to be friends - especially really good friends - with an ex. I thought I had a great friendship with my ex boyfriend. Things between us didnt end on a sour note, although there were some hurt feelings & emotions that festered for a little while after our break up.

When we began a friendship, everything was cool because neither of us wanted to be involved with each other romantically. I however still had expectations of him simply because of the previous relationship we had. Not expectations in a romantic way but expectations like "I need him to move this piece of furniture across the room for me now" expectations. Whenever he could not be there for me in the capacity that I wanted, I would get offended. I felt that way because i still had the mentality that since we had this relationship in the past, then it somehow put me on the friendship pedestal, even though technically I was in the friend category like everyone else. It was hard for me to be cool with not being a priority in his life like I was when we were together. I felt like no matter what, we had that special bond and I am forever to remain special, regardless of whatever else is going on in his life. That wasnt the right attitude to have and I had to check myself. I raised up & faded to black.

Many times, going from being in a romantic relationship to being just a friend is like a demotion. You really have to be honest with yourself to assess if its something for you. We still call each other to say happy birthday, merry christmas, etc but thats about as far as it needs to go IMO.

This is my experience totally. It's just not in my nature to be demoted-I just can't. I'd rather blow the bridge up entirely than to be put behind anyone else in your life. Spoiled & selfish?? Maybe.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Nah, I've never really had a desire to remain friends, it's been them moreso contacting me to see what's up.

This is me, ZERO desire whatsoever on my part. ALWAYS on theirs which to me is still some BS. I really don't get peoples need to wonder about others in their past like "What's so and so up to? Guess, I'll call or send an email and see what's up?" Really?! I've never got that for anyone, like ever. I'd imagine I'd feel like a loser. Because I believe anyone who is meant to be in your life should be there and anyone not, can stay at whatever stop they fell off or I threw them off on.

 

[Rastafarai]

He wants to be friends but I cannot be friends with a liar and cheat.

 

[Sugar Brown]

I think it's possible but I don't think it's a good idea. I think it is too easy for one friend or the other to cross the line.

Anyway DH is not having it and neither am I.

 

[Sosoothing]

I am friends with some exes but I think they are friends with me because they are still interested in dating me.
I am friends with them because I think they make good friends. I plan on being friends with them until my or their next serious relationship. Even then, I will still consider them friends, except we won't hang out or stay in touch as much.

 

[HoneyA]

I am still very good friends with this guy I went out with for 4 years. I have no desire to do anything else with him but talk crap. Sometimes I give him advice about his relationship and vice versa. We're cool.

 

[darlingdiva]

I don't believe in staying friends with any exes. Exes are exes for a reason. Once the relationship is over, the communication should cease--except if there are children involved.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

Nope...I just don't see the point. I decided not to even attempt it. Because I can't cut my emotions on and off I'll keep thinking about the good times and want more.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

I think it's very possible. I'm in regular contact with all my exes to this day.
But, I do think it takes a special sort of person to do this. I've NEVER been the jealous sort, and I'm often told that I should be a little jealous/possesive because someone might steal DH from me. lol I'm usually told this by a trifling person that has only known me .2 seconds, though. I've always been confident in my relationships so it never occurs to me that I should be jealous.
Anyway, with me, I have to respect a guy before I even start talking to him. I respect the person even after we break up. So, in my head it never occured to me that we couldn't be friends afterward- considering that I've ALWAYS dated my BFFs. Can't help it. lol Also, we (I) ended things before cheating came into the picture. I do not like messy emotions and all that. I tend to be analytical about things ( I did that on/off thing and it was too much for me!). If I find my interest in a guy waning, I end things before my eye starts wandering. I think that makes it easier too. "Cause then there aren't messy emotions like, anger, betrayal,jealousy, revenge, etc. Things tend to end amicably.
*shrugs* maybe I'm just the minority on this, but I do think it can be done.

KEEP IN MIND: I don't think this is for everyone. I'm the type that could be classified as detached, a loner, solitary (lol), "inward thinker", cerebral. I'm well aware that my way of thinking is different than the everyday person. So, though it works for me, I'm positive that it can't work for a lot of people. And I don't think that's a bad thing. If I didn't want to be friends with my exes it would've been a very easy thing to lose contact with them. It takes work and I wouldn't recommend it if you aren't interested in being just friends. It's much easier to just find new friends, to be quite honest.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

My HS sweetheart and I were best friends for three years, dated for about a year, broke up, didn't speak for two years (throughout which the secret that he was gay came out), and then finally had a big heart to heart about another year later.

This year marks nine years that we've been in each other's lives and to be honest, he's my best friend (as I am his).

Granted, the scenario I went through is not normal by any means, and to be honest, had it been anyone else I likely wouldn't try to attempt a friendship post-dating, but the bond between us is just way too strong to pretend that we don't exist.

Other than him, no.

This was my situation with my best friend- turn boyfriend. Now he's my bestfriend. People don't get it, but that's how it is.
Though, I'm friends with all of my exes.
And as far as DH goes, I don't even think it's occured to him to take issue with that. And he knows that he was the only person that could have EVER convinced me to get married (now or later- I'm a one time gal). There's a confidence in that for him, I think.

 

[janiebaby]

Heck no, I would not become friends with the ex. We can be cool but I wouldn't call him friend. Friend is a term that gets thrown around way too much these days.

Normally, if people stay friends right after a breakup it's because one of them is waiting the other out so that they can get back in the good graces of the other. If after some time goes by and they meetup again and become cool then whatever but I still wouldn't call them "friend".

I've seen people get into relationships where their partner is uncomfortable with said "friend" and the person ends up breaking their friendship because the partner is uncomfortable. Doesn't sound like a "friend" to me.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Mai Tai]

PLEASE! When I see any of my exes, I walk right past them like a figga on the street. Any man that thinks it's ok to lie, cheat, and cause me pain is not a man that I want as a friend. All that "Oh we give each other advice on our relationships," and "I still respect him," mess if for the birds. If I have a problem in my current relationship, then I need to discuss that with my man. No matter how friendly you and a ex are, if you are calling him venting about the current relationship, you are crossing the line. If I still respected him, then we would still be in a relationship.

I don't know how it is possible to be in another relationship, and still be friends with someone that has seen me naked, that I have kissed, licked...you get the picture. That is straight up disrespectful to the current man.

My exes know to play their position and stay out of my life. Don't call, text, e-mail, send smoke signals, etc. Plus my SO ain't hardly having that.

 

[1Aleeesha]

Question for you ladies. Do you think it's possible for two people to become friends after dating. I'm wondering if after years of loving someone, is it possible to turn them into a buddy. If so, how long do you think you have to be separated before you can attempt a platonic relationship? Just curious to here you guy's feedback on it. If you have experienced this please share.

ETA: For the ladies that successfully maintained a friendship with an ex, how long did the relationship last before you called it quits.

Possible for some but not me. If my husband became my ex-husband that is all that he would be.