Friends with Benefits

[CurliDiva]

While out with the girls this weekend, the topic turned to MEN.

One woman in the group started talking about her “friend with benefits”. One of the evolutions of modern day relationships is the whole “friends with benefits” concept.

Although benefits of this arrangement that she claimed (these are her words, not mine - not worrying about STD, good sex until real love comes along) seemed shallow to me, I am curious on how these relationships really works or if they really DO work.

Is the whole “friends with benefits” concept doomed from the start with problems with fidelity? Unplanned pregnancy? Hurt feelings? Unfulfilled expectations?

Or does this type of “arrangement” lead to healthy “relationship outlook” for both parties - men or women. ​

 

[ThickHair]

I think if everyone is in agreement and that the situation should not and will not progress past FWB then there is no issue. The thing is this type of situation rarely happens and someone usually the woman, catches feelings. I know that there are exceptions and a lot of people do have healthy FWB situations but they are for the short term, never the long term. A lot of folks confuse a casual\open relationship with FWB, they are two different things IMHO.

I have had a short term FWB situation and it worked out fine, it was only for a few months though. Folks having a FWB situation with a person for years, decades are really fooling themselves because that set up would take effort to keep together (casual relationship). FWB should come and go.

This is all IMHO, do with it what yo like.

ETA: I am not even taking into consideration of STD's and OOW children. Those things can happen with people in committed relationships they are not EXCLUSIVE to FWB situations.

 

[TayMac]

I think they are fine for short term as Thickhair said..if both parties are totally open and honest about expectations and boundaries.

I don't put a FWB situation into a relationship category. It's an agreement IMO. The only benefit/expectations should be pleasure. If you are looking for more than that, this is not the thing for you.

 

[ThickHair]

I don't put a FWB situation into a relationship category. It's an agreement IMO. The only benefit/expectations should be pleasure. If you are looking for more than that, this is not the thing for you.

Exactly and a lot of people say they can do this, but they can not segment their feelings and they end up on "Snapped" or something like that.

 

[MzLady78]

Exactly and a lot of people say they can do this, but they can not segment their feelings and they end up on "Snapped" or something like that.

I've learned the hard way that it's very hard, especially if the person is actually a good guy and you guys click. That's how I ended up in my current situation. The only difference is we actually fell in love with each other, it wasn't just me who got caught up. That was a first.

 

[mischka]

Pretty much every "relationship" I had, I would term "friends with benefits." Those were the only "relationships" I had that progressed long term and ended without hurt feelings. Let's see...

I met a guy my second semester in college, and we only stopped seeing each other at the beginning of my second year in grad school... I was crazy about him and the sex was great, which was why I stuck around... but once the excited finally died down and I wasn't feeling him anymore, I didn't want to see him anymore... he wanted to come over one night, I told him no, and that was the last we spoke...

Saw one guy because there were no prospects and I was bored... I'm sure he was seeing someone else, but I didn't care because I liked that there was no pressure, it made it easy to get along... lost interest and starting ignoring him when he would text/im although I don't think he realizes yet that I'm done with him...

Saw one guy off and on during college up til the present... he calls now and again when he's in town, sometimes we hook up, sometimes we don't... we are perfectly ok being affectionate, and perfectly ok not hearing from each other for months... we're still cool as far as I know...

Compare this to every "serious" relationship I tried to have which - 2 times ended in TOTAL COMPLETE DISASTER - and once overshadowed a great friendship when he couldn't accept I didn't want to be more. Also note that in my FWB situations, the "relationships" floated along placidly for five years or more... can't say that with my "serious relationships."

I don't think this is necessarily evidence that FWB works though. It just works FOR ME because I prefer not to get very emotionally involved with men I'm not sure about, am not head over heels for, and/or know there is no future with. I view the relationships as temporary, so for me there is no room for anything dramatic or negative to pop off. It's only when I want more and hold the man to a higher standard - i.e those of a relationship - that he fails and I am not okay with whatever's going on.

 

[leona2025]

I can only speak for me and I know I can not do it. I'm a very emotional person and I attach emotions to every single thing in my life. I have never had sex with someone I didn't have some kind of emotional attachment to. I've only had two situation in which I tried the FWB.

In one situation I got so attached and it was so painful to let it go even though I wasn't receiving anything I needed. I wasn't even getting the "Benefits". When it first started I would take FWB everywhere I went and we had mutual friends so we hung out a lot, but eventually my friends came to dislike my FWB because he was unemployed with no ambition and because we weren't in a "relationship" he saw other people. FWB starts up the lies about wanting to move in together and whatnot.

My friends felt I was being used and I agreed, but I don't know why I couldn't leave this dude alone, so I would only see him secretly. I refused to let anyone know and I made him do the same. His roommate was one of my best friends and I would come over and park way in the back of the complex and call him to come down so no one would know I was ever there. I was so shame. I spent over 2000 on FWB in 2 months. I was stuck on dude silly.

The second was DH.ohwell:

I would be interested to know how you ladies detach feelings. I need to learn that.

 

[ChasingBliss]

FWB is not for me. I could not handle a relationship like that. I like real relationships that have everything...If I'm giving up the ***, my heart goes with it.

 

[Syrah]

FWB's always starts out fine but ends up all wrong because one person is always more committed to the idea of remaining friends than the other. Usually its entered into with one of the friends being in denial and accepting "friends" status when all along he/she has wanted more.

 

[Britt]

I would be interested to know how you ladies detach feelings. I need to learn that.

That's the thing, maybe it's just not for you. Don't force it if it isn't. I know myself... I can't do it. B/c I don't really enjoy s*x the way I should if I'm not happy w/ the person. The other day, I slept w/ an ex who I know still has immense feelings for me. But I don't feel the same for him. It was awkward b/c he was kissing me, and trying to cuddle w/ me and I wasn't with it. In the end, it wasn't even worth it b/c at the end of the day all it did was open the line of communication between us that was closed off. Also, after the act.. I felt like I cheated myself b/c I know I don't have passionate feelings for him.

You said you are an emotional person, I am too...so naturally this def would not be a situation that is conducive to you lol. You need to be able to seperate the act from the emotion tied to it. But you can't force that, you're either able to do it, or you're not.

FWB is not for me. I could not handle a relationship like that. I like real relationship that have everything...If I'm giving up the ***, my heart goes with it.

Yeppp!

 

[mischka]

I would be interested to know how you ladies detach feelings. I need to learn that.

I wouldn't recommend trying to detach feelings when you know that isn't your natural disposition but this is why it works for me: I approach relationships from the perspective of NOT meeting the right guy. I don't believe it's likely these random guys I meet will be the one for me. I believe it's likely the guy I meet will NOT be my match. I feel like that right "match" is rare, so it's stupid to think every guy I meet is somehow going to be the right one. It's like convenience sampling, statistically speaking, if that makes sense. Under this perspective, I am unlikely from the start to view the relationship as having long term potential. Whether that's right or wrong or self-sabotaging, that is just how I view relationships.

Secondly, I view sex somewhat as a physical need, i.e. Maslow's hierarchy of needs. From time to time, sex is necessary to my physical and mental functioning, so the act of sex doesn't necessarily have to do anything more than fulfill that need.

Lastly, if the guy just ain't "it," (which is why we would need to enter a FWB situation in the first place) sex just isn't going to overpower that and make me feel any differently about him. There is a reason why we did not attempt a relationship from the start, so nothing about our having sex is enough to trump that for me.

I just view relationships from a logical place and my emotions don't have to automatically become involved. The things I require emotionally from a man in order to invest myself in him are totally separate from the type of friendship or companionability that I have with him that would make it ok for me to decide to have sex with him.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

i've done it. but i'm the one who initiated it. it had to be on my time, my demand. i did what i had to do and rolled out. the sex was the BOMB, but that was all i wanted. didn't give a dayum bout him when I was done. only when i had that urge. oh well...

 

[Shinka]

I dont think one learns to separate it, it just part of your personality or maybe result of upbringing or role models.

Women in my family see men as pawns. We are kind of taught to separate sex from emotions through their examples, commentary, actions in some way and they come off as "empowered". But I also learned emotional sex is nice too.

I have had lots of FWB that ended well or lead to ltr ot marriage, but at the time it had to do with my sense of control. while I honored the friendship, I was very disconnected from others intimately. I don't trust easily.

Well it worked for me, guys usually wanted relationships. I think guys are used to rejection or hide disappointment due to ego, so those relationships ended more on my terms than theirs.

Now as I am emotionally healing, I have difficulty with it. Had a FWB on last yr and after some time (10th month or do) I feel for guy which surprised me. However he had some unresolved issues and doesn't want a relationship though he cares for me "deeply".

Surprisingly his rejection hurt, but he calls me everyday and text throughout. We hang out without sex nowadays. So I really believe he is honoring where he is emotionally. I enjoy his company.

Anyway it can work, but it isn't something special. The women I know who do FWB well seem to have some different views of trust, intimacy, or dont value men as much as other women and are more assertive. It takes a really special guy to get them caught up. Not saying this is bad, just a different type of women.

 

[Opey]

Don't do them, someone will catch feelings and it wont be pretty & thats another number added to the 'list' I can do without..

 

[NappyNelle]

No thanks! I'll be friends with my vibrator. :fallenang

 

[CurliDiva]

Secondly, I view sex somewhat as a physical need, i.e. Maslow's hierarchy of needs. From time to time, sex is necessary to my physical and mental functioning, so the act of sex doesn't necessarily have to do anything more than fulfill that need.

Lastly, if the guy just ain't "it," (which is why we would need to enter a FWB situation in the first place) sex just isn't going to overpower that and make me feel any differently about him. There is a reason why we did not attempt a relationship from the start, so nothing about our having sex is enough to trump that for me..

Thanks for your honesty!

I think many men approach sex and relationships the same way.

If more women realized this and stopped thinking just because a guy wants to sleep with her must means that he cares.....erplexed....there would less heartbreak.

 

[nappystorm]

I only do FWB with exes with whom I no longer have feelings for and vice versa. I get my needs filled without the emotional attachment. I don't acquire new FWBs at all.

 

[Rina88]

Honestly I can't say exactly how I was emotionally detached from FWB's but I'll try. It just was a means to an end..yea he was handsome or charming etc. but since there was no emotional connection from the start I suppose I reminded myself it's just sex to him and me. It worked out just fine b/c ALL I wanted was to..well you know. I never caught feelings for any of those males (even though usually they were exes I had moved on from).

Especially if they were exes- it was easier to not catch feelings b/c we weren't together for a reason so why even think about that loser as anything serious anyways? If it's just an actual friend/acquaintance then it was also easy b/c I never had a connection or strong feelings for him. It was just what I wanted- - which I know he wanted from me and practically every other female he came across (sry I tend to think men only thinkk with their small head- thanks to my mom and examples of certain behavior I've noticed).

I figured it's nothing to them and so it's nothing to me. If they catch feelings tough break they knew the deal- even if they decide to flip the script- "it takes 2 to tango" so you knew what was up. I would NEVER lead someone on intentionally so if noone said they wanted a relationship but made it clear they wanted sex and we progressed- then that's what it is - sex.

I don't do FWB's anymore because once I did fall in love I saw that supposedly great loving wasn't ISH to what real heart felt love will make me feel inside, so I've since decided to wait for the "right" one.

Basically the FWB is wham bam thank you ma'am and you keep it moving since ya'll both got what you want. Plain and simple.

 

[aribell]

I think that sometimes when we as women discuss this, we focus too much on the possibility or likelihood of remaining detached from the situation. Every choice we make and situation we place ourselves in becomes a part of who we are and helps to further shape how we move through the world in the future. I think the question to be answered is whether a FWB is something that we want to make a part of our psyche, or do we want to preserve our minds and bodies for something more than that? I see these situations kinda like a fast food binge. Will it irreparably damage your health? Probably not, but it's just convenience food that tastes good in the moment yet doesn't fully satisfy, is nutritionally deficient, is gonna be a setback on your health goals. It'd be better just to bypass it altogether.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

How in the world can one of the benefits be no stds ? Um you're not even committed to each other (and w/ that there could still be a risk). Not sure how she came to that conclusion. Dude could have a million other "buddies" as well and you're the one for Friday at 2 am every other week. He could change girls like he changes his socks and you don't have a say in that. Even protection isn't 100 percent so...

I have nothing to add to the rest as I have no experience with f#*k buddies, nor would I want it. To each their own...I've always wanted to be with the person I love. I don't think I'm wired that way. So hopefully others will chime in with that. I just thought it was an odd that your friend listed a benefit is freedom from stds...

 

[ChasingBliss]

I only do FWB with exes with whom I no longer have feelings for and vice versa. I get my needs filled without the emotional attachment. I don't acquire new FWBs at all.

Yeah, I kind of get this. I did it the past, not for a fulfilled need, but to see if I could see myself going back because he wanted to get back with me. It didnt work though, I was disgusted with the whole thing... I find that once my feelings are gone, I'm not attracted anymore PERIOD.

I have accepted that I am who I am and I'm fine with it, but sometimes, just sometimes I think "man if I was different, I'd probably have more fun". I envy the women who say they can detach like that....but then again, I dont.

Detachment/ compartmentalizing of feelings are far more suitable in other areas of life for me.

 

[ThickHair]

How in the world can one of the benefits be no stds ? Um you're not even committed to each other (and w/ that there could still be a risk). Not sure how she came to that conclusion. Dude could have a million other "buddies" as well and you're the one for Friday at 2 am every other week. He could change girls like he changes his socks and you don't have a say in that. Even protection isn't 100 percent so...

I have nothing to add to the rest as I have no experience with f#*k buddies, nor would I want it. To each their own...I've always wanted to be with the person I love. I don't think I'm wired that way. So hopefully others will chime in with that. I just thought it was an odd that your friend listed a benefit is freedom from stds...

STD's can happen in a so called committed relationship. A husband can have a million other "buddies" Not attacking your Luckiestdestiny, but I don't like sweeping assumptions like that.

 

[mischka]

I don't, like, specifically CHOOSE to have FWB relationships... it's just part of my disposition. I have detached relationships with EVERYONE in my life. The only relationship I freefall in and will accept and put up with no matter what is the relationship with my mother. I have reservations in every other relationship I have, including the ones with my siblings and friends. So having detached relationships with men isn't something special I do for some specific reason. It's just the way I interact with people.

This is why I say I wouldn't recommend forcing it if that's not who you are. I throw people away very easily... I am just too picky and too irritable to be the type of person who can tolerate just anybody in that way. I'm a loner and I generally prefer to be alone anyhow, so it's nothing to me to dump someone from my life since I generally already feel fulfilled within myself. I think it's kind of lamesauce for people to make snide little smart, disapproving comments because THEY relate to people differently and can't understand how someone can approach relationships in a different way than they do. The same way you can't understand how I can be so detached, I can't understand how you can get so attached. I really can't... but I don't feel the need to insinuate it's somehow wrong.

I'm not interested in falling all over every man I meet. When I meet the right one and have those feelings for him, bully for me, but in the meantime, if it hasn't happened I don't see why I should force myself to spout all this love nonsense just because it's what's socially preferred for women to do.

BTW, having FWB relationships ARE fun you wouldn't say your relationships with your female friends are empty and meaningless just because you aren't in love with them, would you? It's ironic that people always associate FWB relationships with hurt feelings bc for me they serve the exact opposite purpose. I guess since my no-pressure, no-commitment relationships generally last for years and end with no hard feelings I just don't perceive them via the negative experiences most women do.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Did this one time and will never do it again smh. People do catch feelings overtime and more than likely it will be the woman.

Majority of men are used to sex without emotion or catching feelings.

Women are not like that.

 

[Britt]

I wouldn't recommend trying to detach feelings when you know that isn't your natural disposition but this is why it works for me: I approach relationships from the perspective of NOT meeting the right guy. I don't believe it's likely these random guys I meet will be the one for me. I believe it's likely the guy I meet will NOT be my match. I feel like that right "match" is rare, so it's stupid to think every guy I meet is somehow going to be the right one. It's like convenience sampling, statistically speaking, if that makes sense. Under this perspective, I am unlikely from the start to view the relationship as having long term potential. Whether that's right or wrong or self-sabotaging, that is just how I view relationships.

I just view relationships from a logical place and my emotions don't have to automatically become involved. The things I require emotionally from a man in order to invest myself in him are totally separate from the type of friendship or companionability that I have with him that would make it ok for me to decide to have sex with him.

This is very refreshing to read lol.. especially, since admittedly.. I'm trying to work on becoming less emotional in a someways. To the bolded, I def agree with that. I don't think it will be that easy for me to find my 'right match'. I def don't think every guy is my 'right match', but I do experience a mild disappointment when it's not. And I know this stems from the fear of 'when will I find the right match then'. Luckily for me, I def do not fall in love w/ dudes like that. I've only loved 2 dearly lol. But I used to experience disappointment when it doesn't turn out that they are 'the one'... Now as I'm getting older, i'm trying to use some of your approach and be more logical when meeting and speaking to dudes.

I don't, like, specifically CHOOSE to have FWB relationships... it's just part of my disposition. I have detached relationships with EVERYONE in my life. The only relationship I freefall in and will accept and put up with no matter what is the relationship with my mother. I have reservations in every other relationship I have, including the ones with my siblings and friends. So having detached relationships with men isn't something special I do for some specific reason. It's just the way I interact with people.

This is why I say I wouldn't recommend forcing it if that's not who you are. I throw people away very easily... I am just too picky and too irritable to be the type of person who can tolerate just anybody in that way. I'm a loner and I generally prefer to be alone anyhow, so it's nothing to me to dump someone from my life since I generally already feel fulfilled within myself. I think it's kind of lamesauce for people to make snide little smart, disapproving comments because THEY relate to people differently and can't understand how someone can approach relationships in a different way than they do. The same way you can't understand how I can be so detached, I can't understand how you can get so attached. I really can't... but I don't feel the need to insinuate it's somehow wrong.

I need to do this w/ the relationships I have w/friends and people - period. I am a HUGE loner and enjoy my own company best lol. I like to have a friend to hang out with. But a majority of the time, I prefer to be alll alone. I think being a bit more rational and logical towards things would help alleviate some of the hurt, frustration, and irritation that I experience from some people.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I don't, like, specifically CHOOSE to have FWB relationships... it's just part of my disposition. I have detached relationships with EVERYONE in my life. The only relationship I freefall in and will accept and put up with no matter what is the relationship with my mother. I have reservations in every other relationship I have, including the ones with my siblings and friends. So having detached relationships with men isn't something special I do for some specific reason. It's just the way I interact with people.

This is why I say I wouldn't recommend forcing it if that's not who you are. I throw people away very easily... I am just too picky and too irritable to be the type of person who can tolerate just anybody in that way. I'm a loner and I generally prefer to be alone anyhow, so it's nothing to me to dump someone from my life since I generally already feel fulfilled within myself. I think it's kind of lamesauce for people to make snide little smart, disapproving comments because THEY relate to people differently and can't understand how someone can approach relationships in a different way than they do. The same way you can't understand how I can be so detached, I can't understand how you can get so attached. I really can't... but I don't feel the need to insinuate it's somehow wrong.

I'm not interested in falling all over every man I meet. When I meet the right one and have those feelings for him, bully for me, but in the meantime, if it hasn't happened I don't see why I should force myself to spout all this love nonsense just because it's what's socially preferred for women to do.

BTW, having FWB relationships ARE fun you wouldn't say your relationships with your female friends are empty and meaningless just because you aren't in love with them, would you? It's ironic that people always associate FWB relationships with hurt feelings bc for me they serve the exact opposite purpose. I guess since my no-pressure, no-commitment relationships generally last for years and end with no hard feelings I just don't perceive them via the negative experiences most women do.

You've made some very good points here. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

[CurliDiva]

I think that sometimes when we as women discuss this, we focus too much on the possibility or likelihood of remaining detached from the situation. Every choice we make and situation we place ourselves in becomes a part of who we are and helps to further shape how we move through the world in the future. I think the question to be answered is whether a FWB is something that we want to make a part of our psyche, or do we want to preserve our minds and bodies for something more than that? I see these situations kinda like a fast food binge. Will it irreparably damage your health? Probably not, but it's just convenience food that tastes good in the moment yet doesn't fully satisfy, is nutritionally deficient, is gonna be a setback on your health goals. It'd be better just to bypass it altogether.

Exactly, are FWB really liberating/healthy/conducive for the mind, body and spirit?

I’m sorry but……………letting someone stick, lick, stroke your body and you doing the same to their body…….. is a “relationship” of some sort - no matter how it is defined.

Now, I'm wonder if some men even care about being in a relationship or being a "good" boyfriend if they know they can still get the booty after things are official over.

 

[Mortons]

Well this is how my friend found her husband, so I'm not knocking it.

And yes, these relationships can work, but only for some women.

 

[CurliDiva]

STD's can happen in a so called committed relationship. A husband can have a million other "buddies" Not attacking your Luckiestdestiny, but I don't like sweeping assumptions like that.

This was not a random comment that girl that I spoke with (that inspired this thread) went on and on about her FWB and stated that she like the arrangement because they did “not” have to worry about STDs.

I too did not understand how agreeing to be FWB equated to some kind sexual exclusivity – plus condoms are not 100% effective so STD, unwanted pregnancy, etc could still happen.

I even had other friend said that a guy once propositioned her with a not kissing (aka pretty woman) or cuddling just f*cking FWB arrangement.

 

[aribell]

Exactly, are FWB really liberating/healthy/conducive for the mind, body and spirit?
I’m sorry but……………letting someone stick, lick, stroke your body and you doing the same to their body…….. is a "relationship" of some sort - no matter how it is defined.
Now, I'm wonder if some men even care about being in a relationship or being a "good" boyfriend if they know they can still get the booty after things are official over.

The bolded is definitely true. I have never been one to sit and label women for their experiences or to try and shame women, I have no room to do that. Still, I think that our collective conversation about this topic generally is wacky. "Detachment" seems to be becoming this admired skill for a woman to have. I know there are women out there thinking, "Hmm...how can I learn to disconnect my thoughts and feelings from this physical act? How can I learn to detach? I need to learn how to do that." And I would just ask "Why?" I would suggest that to even speak of detaching and disconnecting means that we are attempting to block ourselves from experiencing the full reality of a situation, which is that there is a person (or persons) to whom we have joined ourselves. It's not that the reality isn't there--we just don't want to think about what it means.

Please note that this has nothing to do with whether strings-free sex can be "fun." It can be. But still, "fun" is a category too shallow for it. In order for it to simply be fun, one has to pretend that it is nothing more than playing around. Badminton is fun. Superbowl parties are fun. Dancing is fun. But while sex can definitely include having fun together, a man's penis inside you, potentially creating a whole new human being, is something else entirely.

If I were to regularly go out in public with a man, holding hands, cuddling up against one him, whispering in his ear, ect. but then claimed that there was nothing between us, we just liked doing that, people would be like It just wouldn't make any sense to take gestures that obviously have relational significance and pretend that they don't. "Yeah, he's just some guy I felt like hugging up on..." I don't see how sex can be less meaningful than that.

Of course women have sex drives and enjoy sex, but I highly doubt most women are just sooo horny that they can't possibly sit on it and wait for something real to come along. We're choosing to ignore reality in order to take pressure off of the loneliness of the moment or the frustration of not having found the one yet.

And then the question of whether one can turn a FWB into marriage inevitably comes up. It happens. At the same time, by embracing these types of sexual relationships, women are teaching men that they don't have to live up the expectation that sex is a significant act, exclusive to commitment. On a collective level women are saying to men, "Yeah, we're just like you. Sex is like bumping elbows, just a lot more enjoyable." But then the fact that we were lying to ourselves shows up on the other side of the altar when we expect that he understands that sex is this deeply significant and meaningful act that is only between him and us. But that's an inconsistent message. Here, the issue isn't even sex before marriage, it's about acting as if sex is so devoid of significance that you don't even have to be dating the person or even like the person beyond the physical to justify having sex with them. I think that collectively sending that message to men (esp. young men) will gradually erode any expectations women can reasonably have that a man, even if he marries her, will appreciate the significance of sexual fidelity. If it was just bumping elbows before marriage, then what difference does it make if he's bumping elbows with that woman at the gym, or his coworker?

Some may feel like their experience is different. This is relevant to those to whom it's relevant.