Friends/Family who treat you differently because you're married

[bluewater01]

I don't post often, but I wanted to know if other people have observed this...

I got married last year (at the age of 30) and I swear I am treated differently by a lot of people. There are friends of mine that I have not heard from since announcing that I was getting married as well as people who have treated me better. The reason that I mentioned my age is because I had a chance to experience being single for a good long while so I was able to tell the difference more clearly than if I had married at an earlier age.

I notice in general when out and about shopping or what have you, people tend to treat me with more respect than they used to.

In particular, I have an aunt that prior to me getting married would always point out in a negative way that I was not married yet. I also never really heard from her my whole entire life and she never tried to form a relationship with me. The only time that I would speak with her was at family reunions/get togethers, etc.

When I got married that all COMPLETELY changed. She began sending me cards and letters saying that she would like to get together for lunch some time. Just recently, she sent an e-mail saying specifically that she can now add me to her Christmas card/anniversary/birthday contact list because I am grown up and now married. (She actually said exactly that in the message.) She asked me for my current address, cell number and birthday so that she will be sure to send me something. WTF? Is she saying that now that I am married that I am more of a person worthy of attention and acknowledgement? I am slightly offended by that. I mean why wasn't I worthy of respect and attention when I was not married? I'm still the same person!

That really had me wondering. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

 

[Aveena]

*Sigh* Yes, I'm going through something similar. Now that I am engaged it has sparked new interest from people I NEVER EVER used to hear from in my family.

My thought process is:

I was single living alone for 10 YEARS!!! and no one called or invited for tea and crumpets... and now that I am engaged everyone thinks I'm trying to keep my distance and act like I don't want to be around them.

Not true.

I'm just going with the status quo... only in my case people are expecting me to invite myself over to their home.

I am confused and have been really trying to discern what is really going on? I mean? I don't dislike these people but I do notice that I am getting a lot more attention than I used to get within the family.

 

[Whimsy]

Nope. I'm just the same ol whimsy to my friends and family.

 

[Aveena]

I think in my case it maybe because my family isn't really that close knit. Maybe they are just curious about the new addition to the family and want to be a welcome committee?

I haven't noticed strangers treating me any differently though.

 

[PraisedBeauty]

I'm not married yet, still in my early 20's but... I believe it... When you're a married woman you get looked at "higher" in the eyes of most people.... The fact that a man wants to commit to you says a lot. Enjoy the treatment... Even if it shallow and those people should love you and treat you just as well even if you are single.

 

[ThickHair]

I can rememeber that when I was around my then bf and his friends wives they were really kind of stand offish. Once we were married they were warmer. It didn't bother me much. As far as I knew my former husband didn't bring different woman around all the time, but tis life.

I actually caught myself, not being indifferent to one of his boy's gf, but it was like, "Oh here is another girl I have to socialize with". He had a revolving door of woman. When he married the last one I did warm up to her. So I get it. Not that it makes it right, but I understand it.

BTW I am no longer married.

So far as my family, it is the same. OP your aunt is a trip, I wouldn't have nothing to say to that woman rather married or unmarried. Being single is not a disease.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Congrats!!! I did not know you got married.

Nope. I'm just the same ol whimsy to my friends and family.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I experienced the opposite, people stopped calling as much or friends dash off the phone when they hear DH come in from work.

I asked about it and was told they wanted to give "married people their space."

I don't post often, but I wanted to know if other people have observed this...

I got married last year (at the age of 30) and I swear I am treated differently by a lot of people. There are friends of mine that I have not heard from since announcing that I was getting married as well as people who have treated me better. The reason that I mentioned my age is because I had a chance to experience being single for a good long while so I was able to tell the difference more clearly than if I had married at an earlier age.

I notice in general when out and about shopping or what have you, people tend to treat me with more respect than they used to.

In particular, I have an aunt that prior to me getting married would always point out in a negative way that I was not married yet. I also never really heard from her my whole entire life and she never tried to form a relationship with me. The only time that I would speak with her was at family reunions/get togethers, etc.

When I got married that all COMPLETELY changed. She began sending me cards and letters saying that she would like to get together for lunch some time. Just recently, she sent an e-mail saying specifically that she can now add me to her Christmas card/anniversary/birthday contact list because I am grown up and now married. (She actually said exactly that in the message.) She asked me for my current address, cell number and birthday so that she will be sure to send me something. WTF? Is she saying that now that I am married that I am more of a person worthy of attention and acknowledgement? I am slightly offended by that. I mean why wasn't I worthy of respect and attention when I was not married? I'm still the same person!

That really had me wondering. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

 

[ebonylocs]

When you're a married woman you get looked at "higher" in the eyes of most people.... The fact that a man wants to commit to you says a lot.

Statements like this make it seem like women never refuse a wedding proposal (or escape before it could be made). And that if you are unmarried no man every wanted to commit to you. Surely everyone realises that it is not every man's proposal that a woman will accept, and that some women don't want to be married at all? I think that most women (married or unmarried) have dated at least one man (and probably more) who would have been happy to marry them.

I can remember that when I was around my then bf and his friends wives they were really kind of stand offish. Once we were married they were warmer. It didn't bother me much. As far as I knew my former husband didn't bring different woman around all the time, but tis life.

I actually caught myself, not being indifferent to one of his boy's gf, but it was like, "Oh here is another girl I have to socialize with". He had a revolving door of woman. When he married the last one I did warm up to her. So I get it. Not that it makes it right, but I understand it.

I think that's kind of a different scenario from what OP is talking about. It is (to me) quite natural for your "in laws" (speaking generally, i.e. your mate's family and friends) to treat you differently when you become the wife from when you were the girlfriend. Now they know you are here to stay, you are one of the family. That's different from your own family, co-workers or strangers treating you more warmly.

I think different treatment is acceptable when it is about respecting the fact that there is now somebody else in your life that you have to consider, e.g. not monopolizing your time, inviting you both to functions, etc.

Otherwise it might be something innocent like the stamp of maturity that society sees marriage as imparting. Being married implies to many that you are settled, stable, grown up. It's looked at as a forward step in the expected progression of your life. Baby--> Child--> teenager--> single young adult--> married young adult--> married with children -->middle-aged--> grandparent. Sometimes if you are unmarried people find it difficult to see you as truly grown up, because in their view of the world, adults get married.

Finally, it is about the somewhat irrational and artificial "status" or "worth" that some believe is automatically implied by the fact that you got married, as was demonstrated upthread.

 

[justicefighter1913]

I experienced the opposite, people stopped calling as much or friends dash off the phone when they hear DH come in from work.

I asked about it and was told they wanted to give "married people their space."

THIS! I am experiencing something similar, but from the other perspective. My friend is engaged and is getting ready to be married in October. I feel like b/c she's in that "I'm married/I'm a wife mindset" she feels she has to play a certain role. For example, whenever we talk on the phone, and she's at home, we don't talk for any longer than 15 minutes. I guess she feels like when she's home, she's supposed to be "home". Mind you, she lives in NC and I live in TX and we don't get to talk that much as it is. That's just a minor example. On the other hand, I mentioned that I'll be doing a lot of traveling and I plan on going to PR. She made the comment that she wanted to go traveling with me too. I kind of gave that comment the side eye, seeing as she knows good and well, she isn't going anywhere. I say all this to say, that now I know that I don't even mention certain things to her anymore b/c she feels like she's got to be or do something different just b/c she's married. I'm not saying that she should live her life as if she were single and jet set whenever we single girls do, but dang! Just because you're married doesn't mean that you're dead.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I am guilty of this. I have some close friends who are engaged or married(with kids). I will be honest that I don't invite them to things or call them as often as I used to. I feel weird that maybe I am intruding on their married life. I feel stupid asking them to come to a bar or club with me, because I usually try to scope out the guys. I rather go with a single girl. lol.

My engaged friend though is being better by inviting me to do things with her, I guess to reassure me that she is the same person. haha.

I am trying to be better.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Sounds like you are being invited into a marriage clique.

 

[hopeful]

I got married young but I've always noticed that I got treated better than single women, especially in certain environments like work or professional organizations, etc. And as I get older I notice that older unmarried women treat me differently, like I am special. It bothers me. I am very down to earth, very pro woman, whether you are single or married. But it doesn't matter. Some people are very impressed or intimidated especially if you have been married a while, your husband treats you well, and you are a successful couple. My point is it just gets worse. So I just live and enjoy my life. I used to try and downplay my happiness to try and make others feel more comfortable, but now I know that's silly. The flip side is that some people are jealous because you are married and treat you badly for no good reason. I wouldn't trade being married for anything though.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Nope. I'm just the same ol whimsy to my friends and family.

Same here--I'm treated the exact same way as I was before I was married--with love and respect by those closest to me.