Friends and Men... My Dilemma

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
So, last night I ran into an... issue that I think I handled correctly, but now I am second guessing myself. Input would be appreciated...


Lengthy Background:
I have "play-play" parents - a wonderful couple that took me under their wings a with whom I am extremely close. They actually introduce me as their daughter when we are out together. I met a business associate of theirs at a holiday party which I attended with a close girlfriend, and though we seemed to hit it off well, we never took the next step (no contact information exchange, etc.). However, from the night my girlfriend met the business associate she couldn't stop talking about him, so I encouraged her to try to get to know him. She was able to get his contact information, and from what she communicated to me, they started texting.

Over the next few months I would see the business associate at various get-togethers--always in the company of my "parents" and my close girlfriend. We would exchange pleasantries but never anything beyond that. He then had to leave the country for business. I didn't think much more of him (although now I am distinctly remembering my "parents" bringin him up quite a bit). My girlfriend soon shared with me that her interactions with him had never gone beyond random texting--that she felt like he wasn't feeling her, and we both chalked it up to being his loss...

So, last night I met my "parents" for dinner (a usual occurrence) and was shocked when Mr. Business Associate unexpectedly showed up at the restaurant. Of course, my "parents" ended up making some excuse to leave and encouraged us to finish our dinners. I felt the trap coming, so I immediately asked him if he had talked to my girlfriend. He claimed that they "never really connected," but he was hoping that WE could get to know each other better... that he was attracted to me from the beginning, but didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings when she expressed interest in him... that he thought about me while he was away... blah, blah, blah...

HOLD UP! HUH? I didn't know what to do. In fact, I got a little disgusted at the situation. If we were still in high school, I would think this was a plausible--maybe even cute--situation, but in our mid-thirties? I don't think so! How hard is it to let someone know that you're interested (or in this case NOT) in them?

So, I explained that though (up until that point) I thought he was an attractive, intriguing man, the way he handled the situation was just wrong. Surely at our age he should know how to voice his interest or DISinterest in someone. Stringing my girlfriend along when he really wasn't feeling her seems inconsiderate and childish. Add his admission that he was coming to the functions (during whiich he would sit beside my girlfriend and hold her hand, etc.) because he knew I would be there, and I was too through...

Needless to say, I decided that dinner was over. The whole situation was just off-putitng to say the least. Now I am faced with a few issues:
- Should I tell my girlfriend?
- My "parents" were clearly in on this secret, how should I handle
that?
- I feel like I may have been hard on the guy in my shock. Was I?

(Sigh) I dunno. My philosophy has always been that friendships outlast boyfriends, and NO man should ever come between my girlfriends. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I tell her will she think I was involved in this charade? I know my "parents" mean well and want to see me with a good guy (up until then, I would have said this guy fit the bill, but not so much now), but why would they put me in that perdicament. Finally, is Mr. Business Associate a jerk or just immature? Was I too hard on him?

Again... any advice or input would be appreciated.

I'm really too old for this ish.
 
Should I tell my girlfriend?
No and the point would be? What would you get out of it? What would she get out of it? They were never a couple and exchanging a few text messages does not equal any type or relationship or courting procedure.

My "parents" were clearly in on this secret, how should I handle that?
Did you ever ask them to set you up with someone? If not, tell them you appreciate what they did, but you would really appreciate if they let you handle your social life and just keep on being great "play parents." Smooches. Now, if you did ask them to set you up, then I think you owe them a small explaination. I would just say, we didn't hit it off, which is true, no need to bring up your friend. Please don't make it more than what it is.

I feel like I may have been hard on the guy in my shock. Was I?
I don't think you were hard on him

If I tell her will she think I was involved in this charade?
See answer to first question.

Finally, is Mr. Business Associate a jerk or just immature?
A bit immature, but he just wasn't feeling your friend and he did what guy's do in order to avoid a confrontation, disappear.

Was I too hard on him?
No, you really didnt say what you said to him. It just seems like you were a bit shocked.
 
Last edited:
I think you are a very loyal friend and not too many girls would of gone the same to be honest. I did not like how he went about things but I would be up in the air about telling her. I would like to read other responses on that subject. It could go both ways.....she could be an appreciative friend for being honest with her , or she would find a way to blame you and resent you! Usually it's the latter unfortunately!
 
You are right. This is not HS. Ugh!

Mid thirties you say?

If he wanted to get in contact with you he could have.

Ugh! He held her hand?

Leave him alone. I would have had the same reaction.

Red flags flying all over the place.

ANGTFT

I can't see any mentions on my IPhone. PM me if it is a must see. Allons y
 
It would of mean nothing if he had sex with her....because she isn't who he wants! Meanwhile she's dreaming of the family house and white picket fence.!! You did the right thing
 
sweetvi said:
It would of mean nothing if he had sex with her....because she isn't who he wants! Meanwhile she's dreaming of the family house and white picket fence.!! You did the right thing
Click to expand...
Do woman do this? Dreaming about the family house and a white picket fence from only a few text messages? No dating courting? IF so, then the problem isn't Mr. Business Associate, it is OP's friend.

Alas......I didn't read that much into the OP's original post. I responded to what she actually wrote.
 
Don't be surprised! She was gushing over him and was interested in him...so I don't put anything past women ( myself included ). I don't think the problem lies with her to be honest....he should of been honest initially.
 
ThickHair... Your advice is really on point... Sadly the plot thickens because Business Associate called my friend to tell her he was back in town... today. No mention of the great dinner escapade. Clearly this guy is a playboy, and "Ain't nobody got time for that.."

I haven't asked my "parents" to set me up, but they are worried about my single state and deeply believe I should be dating. They also know my bar is set really high, so when they think someone is actually good enough for me in their eyes, they play matchmaker. I am going to tell them that he's not my type and leave it at that.

I didn't tell my friend about last night, but I feel so guilty about it, especially when I heard the excitement in her voice that he actually CALLED instead of sent a text. I did tell her that he's not worth her time and that if he really was interested in her, he would have taken the initiative to spend time with her.

The catch now is that I don't want him to keep popping up when I'm with my "parents". It's obvious that they inform him when I'm going to be around and that just makes things sticky...

I'm definitely going to have to nip this in the bud....
 
Do you think that he might tell your friend about having dinner with you? She might get suspicious because you didn't mention it at all.
 
shockolate said:
How is he stringing her along if they're only been texting. Did he make any promises to her?
Click to expand...

She told me that he kept saying that he wanted to get to know her better and spend some one-on-one time with her, but he never asked her out. However, when we would be at functions together, I would make it a point to move so they could sit together, and they would hold hands, he would rest his hand on her knee, etc. The body language indicated that something was going on (well, at least to me).

I say he was stringing her along because he wasn't behaving as if he wasn't interested...
 
Urban said:
Do you think that he might tell your friend about having dinner with you? She might get suspicious because you didn't mention it at all.
Click to expand...

I hope not. Even if he does, I'm good because I was unaware that he was going to show up. I went to dinner with my "parents" under false pretenses.

I just hope she's hearing me when I keep warning her that this guy is bad news.
 
I don't know the type of friendship you have with this woman or how close you are to her but given all you said, if this were a close friend of mine, I would tell her what's occurred. In doing so, you may be risking your friendship because she may not (want to) believe you, but at least you'd be trying to prevent her from being hurt. If I were her, I'd want to know.
 
Its not your fault that your parents tried hooked you up with him. If you know he's a playboy then tell your friend. It's not your problem if she's not mature enough to handle the fact that he's not into her, and was really into you. Things will only continue to be awkward if you continue to say nothing.
 
Op sounds like you did the right thing. I would mention the "dinner "he had with you and "parents" to my friend as general conversation. I would tell her that parents left early and you followed suit. If she questions you than I would provide information in the general terms like he wanted to prolong the dinner but you had other plans. While you handed this situation maturely that doesn't mean your friend will,especially when we are discussing feelings.

As for the match making, again I would play it off but ask innocently if "parents" were aware of his interest in friend. I would mention oh yeh and he called---- to let her know he is in town. I'm sure they have no idea he is leading your friend on while checking for you.
 
It would be best if you told everyone the truth.

First, give your parents a detailed explanation as to why you are not interested in pursuing a deeper social relationship with Mr. Business Associate. This will give them greater insight into your character, in addition to giving them a heads up about him. It will also provide you with a great segue to discuss their attempts towards matchmaking.

Next, you should tell your friend about the dinner with Mr. Business Associate, particularly the circumstances surrounding it (that your parents had a hand in setting things up) and the conversation that took place during dinner. You are not helping her by keeping pertinent details from her; she needs to know how deeply mired Mr. Wonderful is in FOS-Land. After that, the ball is in her court.

IMO, complete honesty would afford everyone with the ability to make informed choices in the future, and no one can ever accuse you of lying by omission.
 
You should tell ur friend what happened. The longer you wait, the more you would look like a liar. Either a jealous lying lier or a lier for holding out important info. If they do get together he'll have that on you forever.
 
I could've seen from the get go that he wasn't interested in her. The fact that she had to get his number and that she had to pursue him spoke volumes. I also so that he was interested in you however to express his interest from the get go may have been difficult or awkward, it may not have been within his style or character. Your "parents" may have gotten tired of the charade and decide to intervene once and for all. In fact, they probably brought him to the party for you.

It's hard have a pushy person hounding you, texting you etc. They are really pushy and don't let up. It's difficult for me to handle myself even though I'm "old enough" according to the OP lol.

I think that it's an extreme case of crossed wires.
 
LiftedUp said:
I could've seen from the get go that he wasn't interested in her. The fact that she had to get his number and that she had to pursue him spoke volumes. I also so that he was interested in you however to express his interest from the get go may have been difficult or awkward, it may not have been within his style or character. Your "parents" may have gotten tired of the charade and decide to intervene once and for all. In fact, they probably brought him to the party for you.

It's hard have a pushy person hounding you, texting you etc. They are really pushy and don't let up. It's difficult for me to handle myself even though I'm "old enough" according to the OP lol.

I think that it's an extreme case of crossed wires.
Click to expand...

Everything you said here was correct. We had quite and interesting weekend to say the least... First, I did talk to my "parents" about Mr. Business Associate and the situation, and they did admit that they thought we would be a good match, but when things didn't happen, they "encouraged" things to move along.

Then Mr. Business Associate broke down in detail the LACK of communication he had with my friend (details that she left out when communicating with me). When I questioned him about the body language, he reminded me that what I thought I saw was him AVOIDING her advances. He reminded me that he was backed into the corner of the booth that I so graciously moved out of so they could sit together, and in her intoxicated state, she got touchy-feely. He did not want to crawl under the table to get away from her, so he politely removed her hand from his... private area and placed it on her knee. He had his hand on top of hers to keep her from trying again. He then escaped to the restroom and reminded me that he did not sit near her again when he returned (crossed wire).

That explanation helped some, but I told him I was still uncomfortable. He apologized for placing me in an awkward position and said he would at least like the chance to clear it up. Apparently, he had a very candid conversation with my friend (which she, of course, relayed to me). She told me that he apologized if he did anything to lead her on in any way, but that he would never see her as anything but a friend/associate. She was very upset about this (which made me feel bad).

Needless to say, I didn't think it was a good time to tell her about the dinner, and I told Business Associate and "parents" that this was all way too uncomfortable to take any further.

Everyone agreed that leaving this alone would be the best thing to do. It's unfortunate because business associate seems to have a lot going for him, and I know my "parents" wouldn't set me up with a jerk. The situation was just a complete mess.

Oh well... I'm still up in the air about whether I should tell my friend about the dinner. I think I am going to wait until things settle a little then take it from there. In the meantime, I decided to stop communicating with Mr. Business Associate. He's about to travel again for his job anyway.

Wow...
 
Okay, so if I were you (now that we have more info) I would allow him to pursue you if he chooses. Your friend is the one who ruined everything. She knew your parents were trying to set you up and she took advantage of both of you. So I would start fresh and would just tell your friend, sorry wires got crossed, but my parents thinks he's a good match for me, he likes me, and I like him. Then keep her out if it from there. She sounds very forward and aggressive. Don't let her ruin this for you.
 
Thanks everyone. It's amazing what happens when you get clarification. Business Associate and I are going to "insert space" into the scenario and see what happens when he returns from his business trip.

This will give us a chance to communicate and even see if we want to pursue anything once he returns.
 
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