Friend Vs. The Husband/SO

[mxdchiq86]

So, It's always been a struggle of mine balancing friends/family and relationships. Recently, I've kinda been wondering if it's even worth the '' fight ''. I've always fought, so to speak, to maintain my friendships ALONG with my marriage.. because I know how easy it is to be completely consumed by your romantic relationship situation and put off family and friends.

I have a best friend that practically dissapears anytime she gets into a relationship. Just last week, I was talking to my mother in law about how DH and myself differ as far as friends/going out.. being that he perfers not to and perfers me not to.. and her response was '' once you're married, friends go bye bye ''. These things have got me wondering, am I putting too much effort into maintaining friendships? Because everyone else seems to vanish when they are in one while I perfer to try to balance both.

If you are married, in a serious relationship.. how has it effected your friendships/family relationships?
to put this bluntly, are you one of those females that cut yourself off from the world when you get into a relationship? why?

i've never understood it but, maybe i missed the memo that '' friends go bye bye '' when you are married.

 

[JustKiya]

There are only 24 hrs in the day, and I would prefer to spend a good chunk of them with the man I married, so yes, I hang out with my friends less now than I did when I was single.
However, my relationships/friendships have not gone byebye - it's just now, instead of seeing them every weekend, we talk 3 weekends out of the month, and go out one weekend. Or, for the longer distance friends, we email all through the week, and see each other only twice a year.
There are ways and ways of maintaining relationships and staying in contact with people that can support both the friendships and your marriage - and you just have to figure out what works best for you & your circle.
I think it's very unhealthy to allow your marriage to become your only relationship. It should, of course, be your primary relationship - but not having any friends is a recipe for bad things.

 

[FlowerHair]

No, I'm not that type of woman, but I put my relationship with my SO before any other relationship. That's the way it should be IMO, if you are in a serious relationship or engaged or married.

I have lots of friends though and I see them as often as I can.
First and foremost I love to spend time alone with me, though

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

I'm not in a serious relationship or married, but a woman who has been married for 30yrs told me its necessary to ALWAYS make time for yourself and your girls. Its healthy.

 

[Nyssa28]

A healthy balance is what works for me....As much as I love my SO, sometimes we need a lil time apart.

 

[envybeauty]

I think it depends on the activity. Going to clubs will cause strife. As will events where one may question why you didn't bring hubby along (house parties, trips, etc). Simply meeting up to go shopping, get your hair done, or grab a cup of coffee does not raise eyebrows. Same with guys. If he goes to play a game of basketball or go pick out a drill, I need not tag along. Homey roll up to the hotest blockbuster without me, I'm ready to ask some questions.

 

[metro_qt]

Coming from the single girl with married friends perspective,
My best friend makes time for me and her other friends, but she is firm that her husband comes first.
He goes out with his friends, and so does she, but they make it a point to put each other and their marriage, and now their child first.

I respect that of her. She's putting in the effort to maintain a healthy marriage with her husband,
and I know that I am still able to hang with her... if planned in advance...

 

[Hotmommak]

This was actually (sorta) discussed at church on Sunday! I don't know if you're religious/spiritual or not, but it seems fitting to share. The pastor was reading some questions from members in the church and one was similar to yours. His answer was that his wife does not have friends that he does not approve of. The church went silent as he went on to state this his marriage was more important than her friends. Then he stated that it works in reverse too. He does not council, visit, or spend time with people his wife does not approve of alone. They are MARRIED and other relationships are far less important. This is not to say that they don't have friends or spend time away from each other. They do, however, love and respect each others feelings/opinions. Sometimes your mate can see things in others that you can't see b/c you've ignored it so long, or your intentions are so noble.

I think that their is balance in any relationship. And I agree with the pp's!

 

[sxytia07]

In my experience, it was those that weren't my true friends that always begin to complain everytime I get into a relationship. If I never called everyday to begin with, don't blame it now on the fact that I'm in a relationship (it happens all the time with some of my friends). I believe true friends are those that don't have to hang out everyday or even talk everyday. I have a few friends who understand that. I spend most days with my SO since we live together and the friends that understand that they shouldn't take that personal are there whenever we decide to hang out every couple of months or so. It boils down to surrounding yourself with like minded people, i.e. people with lives. They will understand and they will also have limited time as well and not point fingers at you and/or your relationship if you can't see them all the time.

 

[inthepink]

In my experience, it's been the other way around from what your mother said. She said "friends go bye bye." I've always experienced the married friend being the one to go "bye bye."

If I were you, I would try to balance things. Obviously, your relationship with your husband is most important but I would make it a priority to occasionally check in with your pre-marrried friends. Call them up or go out to lunch/dinner with them. And if they are single, try to do things with them just you and her - not always with your hubby.

Just some suggestions. It's really hurtful to lose a friend because they got married.

ETA: I agree with others that there should be some discussion if one of you thinks the other has friends they don't approve of for whatever reason! I think it's healthy to have a balance. As you grow older together, I think you will both enjoy having friends to spend time with together or separate.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

In my experience, it's been the other way around from what your mother said. She said "friends go bye bye." I've always experienced the married friend being the one to go "bye bye."

If I were you, I would try to balance things. Obviously, your relationship with your husband is most important but I would make it a priority to occasionally check in with your pre-marrried friends. Call them up or go out to lunch/dinner with them. And if they are single, try to do things with them just you and her - not always with your hubby.

Just some suggestions. It's really hurtful to lose a friend because they got married.

ETA: I agree with others that there should be some discussion if one of you thinks the other has friends they don't approve of for whatever reason! I think it's healthy to have a balance. As you grow older together, I think you will both enjoy having friends to spend time with together or separate.

I agree with EVERYTHING you said

 

[naturalmanenyc]

No, I'm not that woman. I do not disappear because I have a man (now husband) but I know those women.

Obviously, I put my relationship with my husband before any other relationship but I also see & speak to my friends regularly. I am known as that friend who reaches out when I have not seen or spoken to a friend in a while. I email, like everyone, but if I don't get replies I pick up the phone to see what's going on with them.

I saw my friends more this month than normal in fact because we went with my god daughters to the circus, then we had a Mother's Day event the next week and then a bridal shower the following week.

My BFF lives out of state but I talk to her a few times a month.

I'm out of town for work this coming week but have a dinner with grad school friends planned for next Saturday.

 

[Zaynab]

So, It's always been a struggle of mine balancing friends/family and relationships. Recently, I've kinda been wondering if it's even worth the '' fight ''. I've always fought, so to speak, to maintain my friendships ALONG with my marriage.. because I know how easy it is to be completely consumed by your romantic relationship situation and put off family and friends.

I have a best friend that practically dissapears anytime she gets into a relationship. Just last week, I was talking to my mother in law about how DH and myself differ as far as friends/going out.. being that he perfers not to and perfers me not to.. and her response was '' once you're married, friends go bye bye ''. These things have got me wondering, am I putting too much effort into maintaining friendships? Because everyone else seems to vanish when they are in one while I perfer to try to balance both.

If you are married, in a serious relationship.. how has it effected your friendships/family relationships?
to put this bluntly, are you one of those females that cut yourself off from the world when you get into a relationship? why?

i've never understood it but, maybe i missed the memo that '' friends go bye bye '' when you are married.

I'm probably alot different from other women in that I really try and maintain my friendships. I take friendship very seriously, I choose my friends like I do men so I'm not willing to give them up so easily.

I've been married for 10 years and although I love dh to pieces, it's not healthy to NOT have friendships, relationships and identities outside of that one person. People are too hall-marky about relationships, they think you get married and this person completes and becomes your entire world.

Yes your marriage comes first always. I think the real change with friendships should be about how you handle them once you're married. To me, the dynamic of your friendships and relationships with other would SHOULD change when you get married, you don't do the same things, you don't share or speak about your marriage but I think maintaining frienships is apart of maintaining your identity after marriage. I think once again, it's about balance, something women aren't good about doing, we go to one extreme or give all or nothing.

I try and see my friends for lunch, dinner, drinks. We don't do hardcore partying or clubbing unless it's some major celebration, 30th, someone getting married, etc. I take trips every year to see my besties for weekend getaways, dh understands its the time I need for ME, away from being wife and mother. My friendships are SO important to me, I swear they have kept me sane I refyse to be some chick 30 years from now that's all shriveled up with no identity outside of dh and my kids.

 

[Zaynab]

No, I'm not that woman. I do not disappear because I have a man (now husband) but I know those women.

Obviously, I put my relationship with my husband before any other relationship but I also see & speak to my friends regularly. I am known as that friend who reaches out when I have not seen or spoken to a friend in a while. I email, like everyone, but if I don't get replies I pick up the phone to see what's going on with them.

I saw my friends more this month than normal in fact because we went with my god daughters to the circus, then we had a Mother's Day event the next week and then a bridal shower the following week.

My BFF lives out of state but I talk to her a few times a month.

I'm out of town for work this coming week but have a dinner with grad school friends planned for next Saturday.

That's me. I don't have to talk to my friends all the time. We;re all married, have families so we don't need that daily or constant maintenance, it's enough for me to just pick up the phone and say "hey just checking on you, let's get together for lunch"

I love the friends you call like that, you get together and you say "oh we must do this more often" Then three months go bye and you never talk, but those are the best relationships to me. You can just pick up where you left off.

 

[MD_Lady]

...Just last week, I was talking to my mother in law about how DH and myself differ as far as friends/going out.. being that he perfers not to and perfers me not to.. and her response was '' once you're married, friends go bye bye ''.

I don't agree with your MIL. I know of couples who thrive with a limited social network (only when both people agree that this is best), but it doesn't have to be this way for everyone. There are also many married people (DH and myself included) whose pre-marriage friends stick around after the wedding (even if they aren't married themselves). IMO, you and your DH have to find a common ground so that both of you will be happy.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

So, It's always been a struggle of mine balancing friends/family and relationships. Recently, I've kinda been wondering if it's even worth the '' fight ''. I've always fought, so to speak, to maintain my friendships ALONG with my marriage.. because I know how easy it is to be completely consumed by your romantic relationship situation and put off family and friends.

I have a best friend that practically dissapears anytime she gets into a relationship. Just last week, I was talking to my mother in law about how DH and myself differ as far as friends/going out.. being that he perfers not to and perfers me not to.. and her response was '' once you're married, friends go bye bye ''. These things have got me wondering, am I putting too much effort into maintaining friendships? Because everyone else seems to vanish when they are in one while I perfer to try to balance both.

If you are married, in a serious relationship.. how has it effected your friendships/family relationships?
to put this bluntly, are you one of those females that cut yourself off from the world when you get into a relationship? why?

i've never understood it but, maybe i missed the memo that '' friends go bye bye '' when you are married.

Your Dh perfers you not to have friends and go out?

I hope you keep your friends and go out. You two are still individuals and should have friends to enjoy and share things with.

My DH and I both have our friends and we go out if we choose to.

 

[Southern Belle]

I've been married 13 years, and no I haven't ditched my "pre-marriage" friends. Even though they ditch ME anytime THEY get a new man. LOL! It's all good though. I understand, they're on the grind trying to get where I am. Ironically, that's what my best friend told me she admires most about me. That they didn't "lose" me. They respect me for that, and I won't lie - it makes me feel good that I'm able to make EVERYBODY in my life feel as special as I always have, because they ARE.

Because God forbid something happens to where you no longer HAVE a spouse (through death or divorce), where do you turn? To the friends you didn't have time for, but now find your calendar suddenly "wide open"?

 

[luvn_life]

I think its good that you try to balance. One of my friends said that when my best friend got married, we would no longer be close. At first I believed that but, then I realized that my bestie is not like that and our relationship got even better and we got closer. I don't know how it happened because I don't call all the time and go over there all the time. But, we are SUPER close and tighter than ever. But, if you ask her she will say that its not a struggle. It shouldn't be hard on you to maintain friendships. And if this girl gets ghost every time she gets in a relationship, it doesn't seem like she gives you the same respect you give her. I'm definitely not saying drop her (because that's just how some people think about relationships) But I would say don't go out of your way or kill yourself to make time for people like that.

And don't take your MIL's advice to heart. That is what alot of women in the older generation think. My aunt used to live her life that way and she said that all that will leave you is super lonely. You need your friends for sanity. But only GOOD friends...

I really hope this helps you chica