Fried hair from an early age!

[inthestars]

Maybe some of you can relate to this. I have very thick hair and every sense I can remember, my hair was either pressed with a hot comb (starting at age 2 1/2) or relaxed
(starting at age 8). It never grew past my collar bone and was always thin in spots.

Now that I have stopped relaxing my hair, I can see that my hair is actually wavy and easy to manage.. I have no idea of why my mother insisted on frying my hair with appliances and chemicals from an early age; why do so many parents insist on damaging their child's hair?

 

[pebbles]

Hi inthestars,
From my own experience, I can say that I don't think it was intentional on my mothers part. My mom was just trying to make my hair more manageable and look prettier. She would hot comb my hair to do curls if we were going someplace special. She put a relaxer in my hair when I was 10. Of course I lost all my hair because she didn't know how to care for it. I got it all cut off, and the process would begin again! To tell the truth, even I liked to see my hair stretched out instead of short and kinky. If I understood that my hair was being damaged, I would have protested; not that my mother would have listened to me. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[henrilou]

I can relate. Sort of. My hair damage when I was a kid was due to LACK of care. My mother could care less about my hair and she would throw it into two dry, ponytails... There were no nightly braiding sessions where she would oil my scalp--nothing. I would wash with suave, no conditioner,no grease- then the ponytails. (She never pressed it and I honestly didn't know about salons until high-school).My mother obviously had other problems but that's another story... My hair was very thick but very bushy. The back was all broken...It was so sad. I took over in Jr. High and didn't do much better. I discovered the "home-relaxer" and broke my hair off even more. Well, fast-foward, I am b/s length now and I could cry when I look back. I am putting in a weave next Tues. because I am going for major growth--I want to see if I can make it to the lower part of my back, all one length. So if I can come this far, everyone can.

 

[Guest]

Weaves are so good. I had gotten so much new growth, even though I only had 'em in for 3 weeks. Henrilou, what type of hair do you use? Yaky? I had a bad experience with that one. And how long do you leave them in?

 

[henrilou]

Hey Karonica. Glad you asked. I don't get fancy like some of the girls (cuz I don't have the bucks) But my weaves really look good and generally no-one but another eagle-eyed sista can tell. I use yaky silky #2. yeah it's white girl straight,but my pressed hair blends really well. I use the sew-in kind (corn-rows from ear to ear NOT circular) I keep'em in for 3 months at a time and then re-do usually the same day. I make a 9 month committment though OR it's not worth all the stress you put on your hair. So by next Sept. I should be seeing some 4-7 inches of growth.

 

[Guest]

Thanks! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

The last time I got them, I went to this beauty supply store and asked for Yaky and the guy gave me this cheap thick stuff called "Yaki."

I was very uneducated about weaves, even though I thought I knew it all. I am ready to do them again, but I am going to wait around until December or January. They are costly, but the growth was worth it! I can only imagine the amount of growth I would have had if I could've left them in for two months! /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[CHOCOLATECHILD]

I was in the same boat as you I was raised by my Grandmother so I had pressed hair as farback as I can remember but my Grandmother "NEVER" let me wear my hair down either I had cornrows or my hair was pressed and placed in ponytails and I had very long hair for a little girl (it was in the middle of my back) at age 5. but I regret "BEGGING" Her for a relaxer when I was 15 up until then I was still getting my hair washed and pressed every 2 weeks. I just wanted a relaxer because whenever I would sweat my hair out...kids at school would call me "nappy head"

Well, if I had known then what I know now I would have continued to get my hair pressed. My natural hair is very Managable (as long as it's moisturized) it's thick, wavy and very Black. and I attribute this to my Caribean and native american roots. I wish my Grandmother had never gave into my Begging. Now I'm trying to grow out my relaxer and enjoy my natural hair texture.

 

[Honey Vibe]

A child with natural hair is an embarrassment to many black parents. They are afraid of being regarded as a parent too lazy to properly groom their child.

Grown black women with natural hair is now fashionable to an extent; black children with natural hair is not.

 

[Tracy]

Wow - my mother must have been ahead of the times then. Her idea of being groomed was just having your hair combed, well oiled (not greased - even then she used Always Indian Hemp and mixed it with some Almond Oil) and tidy.

My mother's hair is natural to this day. I help her maintain it and she helps me maintain mine.

It's so sad when a parent makes changes to a child for the saek of appearance alone. That's like putting your two year old on a diet, or dying their hair blond.

I feel grateful that my mother never made me feel badly aout my hair, and my heart goes out to those of us who were not as lucky as I.

 

[Honey Vibe]

((( nods ))) My mother believes in relaxers quite religiously, and irritates me when I come home with "You need a relaxer on that head" commentary.

May I ask if you have 3c hair, Tracy?

 

[AmilLion]

Be very careful ladies with weaves. Yes your hair will grow, but it can thin out your hair as well and cause breakage under the weave with extended wear. I wore weaves for 2 years. The first year, my hair grew really long and pretty. The second year, the weave was my worst enemy. I didn't realize it was my worst enemy until I took it out and decided to wear my real hair. That is when I noticed the damage.

Honestly as being pro-weave that I am, it requires more maintenance than regular hair. You have to wash it constantly, but when washing you fear the threads pulling your hair or even the threads (cotton) rubbing against your hair which can cause damage. I might not know this, but the threads could damaging hair strands that's braided because of friction. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't wear a weave, I would have acquired much more hair growth by going natural even if my hair was severely damaged. The weave limited my hair from Oxygen, natural sunlight and properly being able to rinse products from my natural hair thoroughly.

For those that insist upon wearing a weave, when I wore mine, I experienced about an 1" of new growth per month, but you'll receive that if you take vitamins and properly care for your hair. I find weaves to be a quick fix to have long hair or a style you desire you couldn't achieve with your natural hair.

Some problems you encounter with weaves from my personal experience would be:

-Smells from products because a weave can eat up tons of oil and moisture like no tomorrow lol
-Dry looking weave from the weave eating up soo much oil and moisture
-Tangled Weaves. I find that most, if not all Yaki tangles. What I did to ease the pain of feeling the need to comb my hair every 5 minutes was, have sewn in the back, 3-4 European straight tracks and on the top a very nice silky yaki. The mixture is undetectable, gives incredible shine and bounce. Looks like Yaki hair all over.
-Over a period of time, it will begin to get nappy or hard.
-Once you wash it, it never looks the way it did when you purchased it.
-When I wore weaves for some reason, I would always have to flatiron one side every morning.

Some might say it was the hair I purchased, but I brought them all. I got the custom blend from Barbies and the store on 23rd street (in New York), I purchased Sensational, New Premium, Milky Way, Outré you name it. I found New Premium to work best mixed with Milky Way European Straight because it was my exact match, it didn't shed and it retained its almost original look for sometime.

That's another problem with weaves, many shed. You'll have hair everywhere.

 

[Honey Vibe]

Amil, your post is such a throwback to my weave yesteryears. A lot of the problems you've listed are the reasons why I stopped weaving. Overall, I just could not properly care for my scalp underneath a weave.

 

[Guest]

Those things are true. My scalp had the worst time ever with the sewn-in tracks. But, it was a lot of fun to play in! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[Blackndiangirl]

well for me it all started with the hotcomb you know the old fashion ones that you put on the stove. i had midlengthhairuntill the age of ten. Then thats when mommy found the hotcomb. ive never had perms or relaxers, the hotcomb done it for me. She would always get it to hot and i could hear it pop and sizzle but it wasent nothing i could do about it. Ive learn that if i ever decide i want to press my hair that the best waywould be with an electric hotcomb. But i doubt that i will ever do that again cause i like my curls .Now in the 3years since ive been natural and havent used any heat to my hair, ive noticed in the 3years since i havent used heat, my hair has grown back wonderfully. And i plan on staying this way. I do think its all in the way you care for your hair,maybe she didnt know anybetter. I dont know. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[Tracy]

I guess you could call my hair 3c. But there's no way for me to tell for sure because my hair is relaxed. When I was a child all I remember was it being very long, very thick, and very bushy. There were no ringlets or anything. My Mom's hair is the same. Just a gorgeous JET black color naturally. Mine was always naturally a very light brown (blondish in the summer).

Just philosphically speaking - does hair type make that much of a difference to people as far as you are concerned HV?

Because for me it's the attitude of the caretaker that matters. Whatever the type. When I was as heavy as I've ever been (not that heavy is bad - but on me it was), my skin was terribly broken out and my hair was unhealthy and broken - my mother always called me her "lovely" or "bonita" or "munequita" ("little doll face" in spanish). I think her attitude toward me made much more of a difference in the way she treated (and still does) my hair and everything else about me. I am her child and I am beautiful - no matter what. I am so proud to look more and more like her everyday. /images/graemlins/smile.gif SHe also took care of my cousins whose texture was different from mine - I guess you could call it a 4b? And she would say the self same things. Nothing different.

It's the ideology - not the hair type - that matters. Just my $.02...

 

[henrilou]

That was a really nice memory Tracy. Your mother gave you a gift (self-esteem and pride). You can take that with you wherever you go.

 

[5thLMNT]

My mother took excellent care of my hair but her idea of good hair care was not nsync with my ideas for my hair, she kept my hair natural, and would wash condition and oil every week and she would put my hair in these "chiny bumps" which would make it easier to comb and maintain and then as far as combing it would be cornrows or plaits. I hated the chiny bumps but more so i hated walking around in plaits when all the other kids had their hair creamed or pressed, when i got in the 6th grade i went behind my mothers back and had my Dad take me to this expensive [censored] salon where my dad had to sign consent forms and a whole lot of other stuff but i got my "virgin hair" as the hairdresser called it processed needless to say she wasnt very happy about it, nor did i go back to that salon, i went to my mothers salon after that and now i process my mothers hair and she does mine lol. There is a lot of pressure for children to have their hair looking like somebody on tv, or their friend for that matter. My opinion on natural hair has changed a lot i love to see people with well-kept natural hair or dreads. I guess a lot of mothers are quick to press or process because its easier to manage or they don't have the time to care for natural hair.

 

[Honey Vibe]

Tracy, it makes a big difference to me. It gives me an idea if the speaker can relate to me. Me m'self, I have 4a hair, with a few annoying fly aways around my edges that could be called 3c!

I supposed that you and your mother were 3c's, because IMHO it's easier to be proud of your natural hair if it's not kinky. Kinky hair care is undiscovered country, kinky hair-styling is the wild wild west. These things affect the pride women with kinky hair have in themselves.

I'm not trying to make generalizations, I'm trying to explain the hunch I had while reading your post.

 

[Tracy]

Honeyvibe: Mmmmm - Interesting theory. I don't think there's that much difference between a 3c and a 4a. Or a 3c and a 4b for that matter. Maybe enough of one to make some product recommendations not quite dead on - but certainly not enough of a difference to create an inability to relate on an issue such as this one...

But I guess I have the "privilege" of not seeing that difference. What with my 3c hair and all....

Ah well - to each his own.

Thank God for my Momma.

 

[Tracy]

Henrilou,

You are right and I love her for it. /images/graemlins/smile.gif I only hope that by being on these boards I can pass some of that along and help someone who may not ever have had the experience of loving their hair, to love it and cherish it. Not because of what they do to it necessarily - but just because it's theirs. I'm not sitting around madly in love with myself - don't get me wrong. but if I ever do something questionable with my appearance or fall off in any kind of way or am just questioning my self worth - it's helps to know that there is always a place of accpetance to which I can turn. My heart literally bleeds for people who don't have that. And I hope I can to some extent offer myself as a substitute. I know it's not the same but maybe it's enough of a starting place. You should love who you are - unequivocally.

I think parents should learn this especially - maybe we should hold a LHCF Parents seminar! /images/graemlins/wink.gif

 

[henrilou]

HoneyVibe.
I understand. I have 4b nappy hair m'self. I also had a mother who did nothing for my self-esteem. And she didn't worry about my hair. But. If my daughter has nappy hair like me (and I look at my b/f and figure her choices will be nappy and mo' nappy...) I will comb it, oil it and treat it gently. I will press it at Easter and Christmas. No, you're right, it's not the easiest hair to love. But I am going to give my kid what my mom couldn't give me--the gift of self-acceptance and self-respect. I have such awful 'hair' memories when I was growing up, and y'all know how hard that is on a girl. My mom would just shrug...

 

[SVT]

Tracy, I’m glad you wrote that that your mother was never critical of your hair. I’ve read so many other women recount a very different experience with their moms. Your post is a breath of fresh air!

Your mom had the patience and knowledge to properly groom your hair. This could be why you’re an inspiration for so many hair board readers. I think your mom’s influence shines through in your knowledgeable responses to other members!


posted by Tracy:
</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Wow - my mother must have been ahead of the times then. Her idea of being groomed was just having your hair combed, well oiled (not greased - even then she used Always Indian Hemp and mixed it with some Almond Oil) and tidy.

My mother's hair is natural to this day. I help her maintain it and she helps me maintain mine.

It's so sad when a parent makes changes to a child for the saek of appearance alone. That's like putting your two year old on a diet, or dying their hair blond.

I feel grateful that my mother never made me feel badly aout my hair, and my heart goes out to those of us who were not as lucky as I.

[/ QUOTE ]

 

[SVT]

There are so many sad stories on the hair boards about children suffering the embarrassment, ridicule and sometimes the medical ailments associated with improper hair grooming. Then others suffering not from improper grooming but from ignorant comments hurled at them by misinformed people.

How do these kids cope? They can’t just get away and there’s no one talk to who will understand. From reading the experiences, it seems like most kids soak in the negative vibes and subconsciously use it a foundation for their self-esteem. They eventually grow into the majority of adult women for whom hair is not just hair.

With the increased availability of useful grooming information, especially through the internet, more parents will be able to properly care for their child’s hair and view grooming as a special time to create a positive bond with their child. More children will grow up reminiscing about how good it felt to have Mom or Dad or another family member doing their hair…and the cycle will continue on to their children!

The availability of the internet at public libraries, college campuses, specialty cafes and even some malls and shopping centers is allowing the adults who are the walking wounded of child hair horror stories to access self help. Many, many friendships are formed on the hair boards between women who previously thought they suffered the hair drama alone.

I hope this post eases the tension I'm feeling in this thread.
Very simply, everyone has their own hair experience positive or negative that should not be invalidated by others.

 

[adrienne0914]

i've been very blessed. my mother never relaxed my hair. i got my first one when i was 26 years old. to this day, she still can't understand why i have it done. she is of that "good hair" mindset. most of my relatives are. eh well...

adrienne

 

[LondonDiva]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Because for me it's the attitude of the caretaker that matters. Whatever the type. When I was as heavy as I've ever been (not that heavy is bad - but on me it was), my skin was terribly broken out and my hair was unhealthy and broken - my mother always called me her "lovely" or "bonita" or "munequita" ("little doll face" in spanish). I think her attitude toward me made much more of a difference in the way she treated (and still does) my hair and everything else about me. I am her child and I am beautiful - no matter what. I am so proud to look more and more like her everyday. SHe also took care of my cousins whose texture was different from mine - I guess you could call it a 4b? And she would say the self same things. Nothing different.



[/ QUOTE ]

Tracy,

You see your mother is the shining example of how I want to be when I have children of my own in the attitude towards taking care of their hair and instilling in them feelings of pride and self worth, and that their hair isn't a chore but a special time mummy and daughter can spend together.

I've already planned it, rent a movie or two of her choice, watch tv together, talk, eat snacks. Making it a special day of the week that they can look forward to, rather than that awful time when the hair gets pulled and the tears start to run. I already do that with my cousin and she actaully likes getting her hair done by me, more than her mother.

 

[kasey]

That hair day routine sounds really nice LD. After reading this post I started to remember the bad memories of my home hair care and styling sessions. Bad hair care really does have a negative impact on girls. I remember feeling really ugly through much of my school years. I don't think parents should every call their child's hair "nappy" or introduce them to the "good" hair "bad" hair thing.

 

[honeycomb719]

Great thread!!!!

My mother pressed my hair when I was younger starting back as far as I can remember which is about age 4 or 5 yrs old. Soon after that at age 8 or 9 she put a jeri curl in my hair which actually grew my hair, it was what happened after that that my hair begun on the road to destruction. I can't really remember when the curl was allowed to grow out but I think I was 11 or 12 yrs old. That prime age when young girls want to start experimenting w/ all these products and hair styles, that's damaging to the hair. I received my first relaxer soon after the jeri curl was gone. I was self relaxing or letting my sister or friends do them, and my mom stopped caring for my hair completely.
I'm just about certain that all the problems I have w/ my hair NOW is due to the early damage inflicted by my mother and myself. I think it's was just pure IGNORANCE on both our parts.
Sad thing is, that so many black women today have similar stories like mine, and still is struggling w/ trying to grow a decent length like myself.
That's why I love this board, because knowledge is POWER, and I can bet anyone that my daughter will not have to go through all I have(and still going through) just to have some nice, healthy hair.

 

[honeycomb719]

[ QUOTE ]

How do these kids cope? They can’t just get away and there’s no one talk to who will understand. From reading the experiences, it seems like most kids soak in the negative vibes and subconsciously use it a foundation for their self-esteem. They eventually grow into the majority of adult women for whom hair is not just hair.



[/ QUOTE ]



So true, I'm still trying to get over some of the things people said to me when I was younger. I can remember someone calling me a little boy because my hair was so short. How my family members treated the kids in the family w/ the longer hair. Being teased and taunted at school because of my hair. It really hurts when I think about it now. They used to say " sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". That's so NOT true. They hurt worst than most physical wounds EVER could.

 

[SoniT]

I can definitely relate. I don't even know how old I was when my mother started pressing my hair. I guess I was 6 or 7 years old. Then when I was about 10, my mother's friend put Vigorol relaxer in my hair. It broke all my hair off. It was very traumatic. I got teased in school because I had short hair. Then my mother thought Cream of Nature relaxer would help but it didn't. I didn't get my hair healthy until I was 14 and I started going to a new hairdresser. I don't blame my mother. She meant well and she did what she thought was best at the time. The funny thing is that my mother now wears her hair in a short natural. She's through with the relaxers.

 

[Brooke007]

I think my mom did her very best as far as caring for my hair, she was just misinformed and a little mean at times. We did mostly all the right things...except daily moisturizing. I loved the look but hated when my mom would press my hair. She always burned me, blamed me and had very little patience. By the time she was 75% done I was trembling with fear and crying so then of course she burned me even more, not on purpose of course. Then she always put my hair in the only style she knew..some ol' lady big a$$ hairstyle. And then there was the J-curl. I begged her to let me have one. Well she decided to do it herself. I don't know if she didn't leave it in long enough or if my hair just didn't take very well. The worst part is that she was unprepared for the application and the goop kept dripping everywhere while she was rolling my hair onto those rods. I kept wiping it out of my face and eyes. Finally she got tired of my hand whipping up there so she told me I had better not do it again...or else. I had knocked one curler loose and she had to re-do it. She was always formidable and intimidating and I obeyed. The result of my obediance was a deep chemical burn on half of my face and scalp. When it scabbed over it was a black pus bloody mess...disgusting. I had to go to school like that. Talk about trauma. People were afraid of me. I and my sister were literally the only black students in the entire school. The products, activator and moisturizers were expensive at the time and she got tired buying all those products for J-curl upkeep for 5 people! So she just stopped! Now what do think happens to a curl with no activator, no moisturizer and no oil? Hmmmmm mmmm. Bawld headed! I grew my hair back and the scar healed (thank God), I never had a single friend in that school--they probably thought it was contagious. I was so glad when we moved. Years later, when I started getting home relaxers (yes, applied by my mother)my scalp was burning and she wouldn't let me go and rinse because she wasn't finished smoothing I nearly went into hysterics. I thought "Oh no, not again!!" Needless to say, I have never allowed my mother to come near my head again with a chemical process or a hot comb. To this day I have a literal physical response when my mother even offers to help me do anything to my hair, it's just fear, abject fear. This was one of my deep dark family secrets that I have never told to a single person, thanks for letting me vent y'all.