Jmartjrmd
Well-Known Member
We sat in the exam room of my husbands oncologists office anxiously waiting for the doctor to arrive. I was nervous and I know Aj was too. I put my hand on top of his and held on tightly. Aj lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it gently.
All week I'd been dreading this meeting but I had positive thoughts in my mind. Everything was going to be alright.
That familiar sound of the door handle being pressed broke the silence in the room. The door opened and the doctor came in followed by his nurse. She positioned herself near the back wall by the computer and the doctor sat on the rolling chair in front of us.
Before he could say anything I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. But none would fall. Not today.
"Well folks. I wish I had better news." The doctors voice was low and shaky. I knew it was coming but I'd convinced myself that this time would be different.
The tension in my body turned into an emotional pain. I wanted to get up and selfishly run out the room but I stayed for him. I wanted to release those tears but I held them in for him.
Aj released my hand for a brief second and then placed his on top on mine this time. As the doctor spoke about what's next he just kept gently rubbing my hand with his thumb.
I wanted to listen to what was being said but I just stared blankly past the doctors face and into that door occasionally hanging my head for a second. "Dear God" I thought to myself. Not again.
If the meaning of my life was to watch all my family die leaving me behind then my life has been fulfilled.
I caught the tail end of the doctor saying something about seeing us next week. He stood up as Aj struggled to do the same. They shook hands, the doctor patted me on the shoulder and left.
Aj sank back down in his chair still holding tightly onto my hand. Our eyes met and he simply said, "I'm tired mama." to which I replied "let's get you home."
The whole car ride home we didnt talk about anything. Aj's sister had driven us and normally shes ask a million questions but even she knew not now.
I knew what he meant. Yes, at that moment he was physically tired. I knew it also meant something deeper than that. Not today. My minds not going there.
We got home and Aj struggled to get out the car. Over the last year he had lost nearly 50 pounds and was a mere shadow of himself. As best we could his sister and I helped him into bed. He had no appetite but I encouraged him to eat something to keep his strength up. He ate a few bites of some soup and crackers and then fell asleep.
I went outside and sat alone on my swing that Aj had built for me shortly after our wedding. I thought back to the hundreds of times he pushed me in that swing and I'd squeal with happiness just as children playing in the park having the time of their lives would. I looked up in the sky then over to the empty space next to me. Aj occupied that space so many times. We shared so many conversations, kisses, jokes just innocent moments of life on that swing.
Dear God I asked again. How am I going to do this. I'm not ready and I dont want to get ready.
For better or for worse couldnt have slapped me in the face any harder.
Id already found out what in sickness and in health had to offer but how do I face till death do us part?
(to be continued)
All week I'd been dreading this meeting but I had positive thoughts in my mind. Everything was going to be alright.
That familiar sound of the door handle being pressed broke the silence in the room. The door opened and the doctor came in followed by his nurse. She positioned herself near the back wall by the computer and the doctor sat on the rolling chair in front of us.
Before he could say anything I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. But none would fall. Not today.
"Well folks. I wish I had better news." The doctors voice was low and shaky. I knew it was coming but I'd convinced myself that this time would be different.
The tension in my body turned into an emotional pain. I wanted to get up and selfishly run out the room but I stayed for him. I wanted to release those tears but I held them in for him.
Aj released my hand for a brief second and then placed his on top on mine this time. As the doctor spoke about what's next he just kept gently rubbing my hand with his thumb.
I wanted to listen to what was being said but I just stared blankly past the doctors face and into that door occasionally hanging my head for a second. "Dear God" I thought to myself. Not again.
If the meaning of my life was to watch all my family die leaving me behind then my life has been fulfilled.
I caught the tail end of the doctor saying something about seeing us next week. He stood up as Aj struggled to do the same. They shook hands, the doctor patted me on the shoulder and left.
Aj sank back down in his chair still holding tightly onto my hand. Our eyes met and he simply said, "I'm tired mama." to which I replied "let's get you home."
The whole car ride home we didnt talk about anything. Aj's sister had driven us and normally shes ask a million questions but even she knew not now.
I knew what he meant. Yes, at that moment he was physically tired. I knew it also meant something deeper than that. Not today. My minds not going there.
We got home and Aj struggled to get out the car. Over the last year he had lost nearly 50 pounds and was a mere shadow of himself. As best we could his sister and I helped him into bed. He had no appetite but I encouraged him to eat something to keep his strength up. He ate a few bites of some soup and crackers and then fell asleep.
I went outside and sat alone on my swing that Aj had built for me shortly after our wedding. I thought back to the hundreds of times he pushed me in that swing and I'd squeal with happiness just as children playing in the park having the time of their lives would. I looked up in the sky then over to the empty space next to me. Aj occupied that space so many times. We shared so many conversations, kisses, jokes just innocent moments of life on that swing.
Dear God I asked again. How am I going to do this. I'm not ready and I dont want to get ready.
For better or for worse couldnt have slapped me in the face any harder.
Id already found out what in sickness and in health had to offer but how do I face till death do us part?
(to be continued)
