Finding Your Hair Comfort Zone

[Autumn]

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Crysdon said:
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I, too, could give a "rat's behind" how someone chooses to wear their hair, and again - look forward to the calmer days that more assuredly ahead .

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Yes! Yes! Yes! I can't wait either...it'll be like the old days again.

P.S. - There is a board for the militants where you can discuss the "evils" of relaxers, drano, nair, chemicals, creamy crack, etc., 'till the cows come home. Why disrupt our peaceful environment?

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I'm with you. I used to be a member of that board. It helped me a great deal. Then I started to see the militant disposition of some of the members. I was like.....um...was it not that long ago that a lot of you (naturals) were relaxed too? I still respect all opinions though.

That board helped me to be completly natural for 1 year. It wasn't all easy. It was a love / not so lovely feeling for me lol. I learned that both relaxed AND natural afro type hair gets very dry

(as does ANY type of hair except naturally oily hair, I suppose). What led me to try the natural route was the realization that, even though I had long, thick hair, my mostly 4a/b hair was being relaxed EVERY month

! Ok. nobody likes chemicals, but dang, that IS something to think about.....

Then I found this board. I fell in love with the lightheartedness and the general kindness of the members. This is place that I see lovely naturals AND relaxed. One thing that I know would have been looked down upon on the other board is my personal feelings about hair. Yes I'll say it. To me, it's just hair lol. In fact, isn't hair essentially dead cells once it breaks through the follicles??? I'm also very changeable. I got so tired of my puff and headband lol. I loved it for a long time, then it was like....sigh....another day another puff lol. Then I tried twists. Takes too long for me. Then I made the mistake of going to a natural hair salon and got gipped big time lol. .........but through it all, I got to experience my true hair. To be honest, the easiest time for me when I was natural was when I had a twa. Wash and go at it's finest

But alas, I didn't feel very pretty. I look good with hair. It frames my face and makes me feel good and that's what counts.

So this is where I'm at right now: I'm relaxed. Like Cocoacure made reference in her original post...I too don't lock myself into one way of wearing my hair. One year I can be natural and the next year, I might be relaxed. I also used to love experimenting with wigs and phony ponies too. Change is good. I thought that I'd feel like a sellout for relaxing my hair again after being natural for a year, but I didn't. Anyone can look at me and see that I'm Black. I didn't need an afro to prove that. If I feel like expressing my culture even moreso, then I'll wear box braids. In fact, I think that a lot of African ladies wear braids and cornrows (from the few that I've worked with and what they've told me, that is) more than other natural styles. I do love to see ladies with locs

Another fact is that I tend to wear my relaxed hair in a somewhat frizzy way. I don't relax bone straight because I like the fluffy and full look...only easier to comb. I don't intend on using heat. (thank you LHCF!) Thanx to this board, I've found ways to style freshly washed, relaxed hair that don't require super amounts of heat....or none for that matter.

O geesh....see what happens when I start typing? I go all over the place lol

This was supposed to be a short response!

To sum it all up....yeah, I agree with Cocoacure. Naturals shouldn't push their views on relaxed ladies and vice versa. I feel that if a relaxed lady sees a photo album of a natural lady and wants hair like that, then she should by all means try her best to get it. If a natural lady likes the hair of a relaxed lady, then she should try her best to achieve it if she wants.

harmony is what it's all about <3

 

[Connie]

I've been away from these boards for a few days and apparently I missed a bit of excitement. But I totally agree with everyone on this thread. Though a member of another hair board, I find myself limited to being a lurker after being nearly raked a couple of times for making what I thought were innocent comments about straightening the hair. I feel like I'm an outsider until my permed hair grows out. On this board I can exhale and share my hair ideas without holding my breath. I would actually mourn this board if it were to discontinue..lol!

 

[bellydancer]

I agree with you, Cocoa. I see beautiful hair on this board--relaxed AND natural. I don't feel pressure to relax and i don't want any relaxed person to feel like they should be natural. Actually I really hate when ppl act like you're hair has to be natural or it has to be relaxed. That's the only reason why I boycotted Nappturality. They gave this girl hell because she got a relaxer. It really isn't that serious. I see relaxed women like Supergirl and Adrienne, etc that inspire me and then I also see Nay and Babyblue and I'm inspired by them too. I don't see the big deal. I didn't like relaxers, but there's no reason to get mad at the people who do and vice versa.

 

[bellydancer]

thanks for the post Cocoa. I've noticed this vibe on the board too and at first I didn't think it meant any harm, but after a while it kinda bothered me. It was subtle so i couldnt' tell

 

[CocoaCure]

Cherish - I'm sorry if I was offensive, obviously I'm not talking about all naturals who wash and go because I'm one of them myself! I'm talking about some (and I'm sure you've seen them too) who brag about "doing nothing to their hair" and their hair looks like they do nothing to it and it's unattractive! I'm not talking about the ones, like myself, who have a wash and go routine or shake and go, etc. I'm talking about people whose hair is just as screwed up as a natural as it would have been if they were relaxed! Yet, I see many "bragging" about now that they're natural they don't have to do anything to it as in care, moisturizing, deep conditioning, etc. Some people just don't like dealing with hair and they look at it as a chore - but more likely than not, their heads reflect this "non-care" attitude. I'm NOT AT ALL speaking of naturals that shake and go or wash and go and have care routines!!! If so, I'd be putting down myself, which I certainly am not doing!

 

[CocoaCure]

Yes, Ubavka123, that is EXACTLY what I meant! Why would I put down Naturals and I am one!!! I think people know exactly what's going on. I'm not a Relaxed head but was offended for them. Sure there's nothing wrong with sharing your bad experiences with relaxers, but it's quite another to start talking about how awful they are and breaking down the peptide bonds, etc. Now tell me, how in the heck is someone who wears a relaxers supposed to feel when those statements are made??? It's like saying, "oh yeah, those relaxers are just awful and they do all these terrible things.....yada, yada, yada....". Come on!!! It's like telling someone they're stupid for their hair choice. THEN............on top of all of that saying that it's "hard to believe" that not that many relaxed ladies are having all those problems. What's so dang hard to believe about it???? That is what I'm speaking out about!!! I'm not putting down anyone!! I'm standing up for everyone!!

 

[CocoaCure]

In the end I really dont give a rats behind how someone wears their hair. If someone wants to put harsh chemicals on their scalps in order to wear their hair straight then hey as my brother would say "Just Do You."

But as with any inflammatory topic, whether it be democrat vs. republican, abortion, war, religion etc. theres never going to be complete objectivity. People on BOTH sides just need to learn how respectfully disagree and respect others choices without resorting to pettiness.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.................why do you need to say "harsh chemicals on thier scalp in order for the hair to be straight"...........by the fact that you are calling them out as "HARSH CHEMICALS" you're insulting someone's intelligence! And you say we should not resort to being petty. If you colour your hair would you want someone constantly reminding you how you're putting such "harsh chemicals on your hair"? It's offensive! Period! I'm a very happy natural, but I'm not going to talk to someone who relaxes about "the harsh chemicals, etc." because plain and simply it's RUDE!!!! I don't understand what's so difficult to understand about this!

 

[CocoaCure]

In the end I really dont give a rats behind how someone wears their hair. If someone wants to put harsh chemicals on their scalps in order to wear their hair straight then hey as my brother would say "Just Do You."

But as with any inflammatory topic, whether it be democrat vs. republican, abortion, war, religion etc. theres never going to be complete objectivity. People on BOTH sides just need to learn how respectfully disagree and respect others choices without resorting to pettiness.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.................why do you need to say "harsh chemicals on thier scalp in order for the hair to be straight"...........by the fact that you are calling them out as "HARSH CHEMICALS" you're insulting someone's intelligence! And you say we should not resort to being petty. If you colour your hair would you want someone constantly reminding you how you're putting such "harsh chemicals on your hair"? It's offensive! Period! I'm a very happy natural, but I'm not going to talk to someone who relaxes about "the harsh chemicals, etc." because plain and simply it's RUDE!!!! I don't understand what's so difficult to understand about this!

 

[CocoaCure]

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babyblue said:
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CocoaCure said:
Also, I shudder at the number of fellow Naturals I see that say "Oh I love being natural - I don't do anything to my hair" and they look like it! That's not something to be proud of............to say that you do nothing to your hair! Geesh! If someone does nothing to their hair it will start looking like it and it won't be pretty!


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Im also curious about this statement and would like clarification. Could it be that those naturals that you speak of who do nothing to their hair and are proud of it have reached that "Hair Comfort Zone" you speak in the title of your initial post?

Not every natural wants to spend hours manipulating their hair and dousing it in products to achieve curls and that "just got my hair did" look.

their decision to wear their hair they way they want should be respected also. It comes of sounding like some thinly veiled good hair bad hair comment and only adds more gas to the fire

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NOT AT ALL............this was completely taken out of context. Just as you see some relaxed people whose hair is a chewed up, brittle mess............I'm talking about some naturals that I see like that too - YET they brag that "they now don't have to do anything to their hair" because they're natural, but it looks a complete mess and you can tell that this is a person whose hair would be messed up regardless of being natural or relaxed because they DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO IT! Also, I NEVER said anything about "getting that curly look" or whatever and I also NEVER said anything about good vs. bad hair which is so antiquated I'd never even use those terms! THese are YOUR words!! AGAIN............there are plenty of naturals who were their hair in a variety of ways...........I usually have mine out in a big puff, proud in all it's natural glory..........BUT I do something to it, it's well moisturized, it's never dry, it never looks like I haven't picked/combed it, etc. I look like a natural person who has taken great care of her hair to come to work this morning! I can't say this for every natural in my building and some of them BRAG about not doing anything to their hair and it LOOKS LIKE IT!!! Period! I hope this clarifies! Why in the world would I put down myself, my own hair style, etc. We ALL know there are relaxed heads AND Naturals who look like they don't care about their hair - it's just weird when people actually BRAG about it!

 

[Dolce_Dawn]

CocoaCure, don't worry. Your post was not lost on me, like most of us. I know EXACTLY what you're saying and what you're referring to. It was done in a very passive aggressive way, just like someone else said, but it was very obvious.

Kudos to you for saying something as a natural! From a relaxed head it would have just come across as being defensive.

 

[CocoaCure]

You know...............this can be the end of this thread because I can sum it all up in one sentence:

Let's not talk to people like they're stupid by saying things like "Well if you want to put harsh chemicals on your scalp to get your hair straight" that's fine.......that's degrading, condescending, and insulting. Period. If someone doesn't understand that, then they just aren't an understanding person and likely never will be.

It just hurts me that as a Natural, it's pretty clear that there are more threads asking about "the horrors of relaxing" and I see no threads asking about "how do you live with your hair nappy like that........is it difficult to comb? Does you man like it? etc. .............these are the kinds of stupid questions I would get back when I first went natural, then as it grew and grew and was always soft to the touch, and well groomed, everyone was all about the compliments! But I never see these kinds of statements here on this board from the relaxed heads about all the reasons why they relax and how much more accepted they feel in the world, and the "hassle" of being natural, etc. It appears that these posts are always coming from my side (natural) of the house and it's just not right! People say they respect everyone's choice to do what they want...........but do you really when in the same breath you say "Oh if you want to put harsh chemicals on your head it's fine by me!" WTF????? How much more stupid can you talk to someone???? Another thing that gets me if that some people who are natural have all these awful things to say about the horror of relaxers, yet they colour their hair!!! IF someone is relaxing only 3 to 4 times a year - they are MUCH SAFER than someone who is colouring every other month!!!! So what gives???? Beauty is an industry that will always be around, there will always be things for ALL people to use to enhance their hair, or give it a different look, colour, texture, tone, etc. Oh well, I'm sick of typing. I think/hope everyone understands now, if not, oh well. Goodbye.

 

[babyblue]

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CocoaCure said:
This is exactly what I'm talking about.................why do you need to say "harsh chemicals on thier scalp in order for the hair to be straight"...........by the fact that you are calling them out as "HARSH CHEMICALS" you're insulting someone's intelligence! And you say we should not resort to being petty. If you colour your hair would you want someone constantly reminding you how you're putting such "harsh chemicals on your hair"? It's offensive! Period! I'm a very happy natural, but I'm not going to talk to someone who relaxes about "the harsh chemicals, etc." because plain and simply it's RUDE!!!! I don't understand what's so difficult to understand about this!

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This is my last word on this topic because i have since moved on. I took enough chemistry classes to know that relaxers are a "harsh chemicals to make the hair straight" what do you think the warning on the box about the possible skin and eye injuries are about? why do u use gloves to apply it? Geez why cant people keep it real and be honestwithout having to tip toe and sugarcoat everything all the time

I would assume we are all rational abstract thinking adults.

ex. I use semi permanent jazzing color in my hair from time to time and im fully aware hair color can be "harsh" there are even studies linking hair color to bladder cancer but i continue to use it anyway why? cause its my hair and i feel like it and im prepared to take the risk! on the other hand im not gonna sit here in Denial about the possible health risk and not get offended if people point it out to me. Im not gonna write the medical journal saying i was offened and they were rude to me and the other millions of women who use hair color for pointing out how bad hair color can be.

Im sure many on this board are aware of the dangers of smoking cigarettes. if people choose to smoke fine with me. but in the face of overwhelming evidence of the carcinogenic effects of smoking, using your theory we should censor ourselves and not point out those facts because after all we wouldnt want to offend and be rude to smokers.

just my little insignificant opinion. dont feel obligated to reply because im done with this.

 

[MizAvalon]

CocoaCure, thank you so much again for posting this. Some of the things that have been said in this thread have me wondering whether or not some folks have even read the thread that inspired this one. It was VERY apparent that those "Oh, I'm just curious.." statements were veiled, passive-agressive put-downs in that other thread. *sigh*

 

[ChocoKitty]

From a fellow natural--Thank you Cococure!

ITA w/ MizAvalon.

 

[CocoaCure]

As a matter of fact...............if I knew I was on a board with many people who smoke.........NO I WOULDN'T POINT OUT ALL THE CARCINOGENIC FACTS ABOUT CIGARETTE SMOKING! Why??? Let me count the ways:

1. THEY KNOW THIS ALREADY! So there's no reason for me to point out to peole what they already know. For me to do this is to insult them!

2. It's RUDE!

If I'm on a board with meat-eaters NO, I'm not going to talk about all the horrible preservatives, etc. that meat is injected with and how that's causing us to a nation of obese people, etc. NO...........I'm not going to do it!

Call me weird, but I'm always going to TRY to take into account someone else's feeling when I speak or write to or about them. I'm sure sometimes I fail............but I will AT LEAST TRY to be sensitive to others! I LOVE this about me!!!

 

[NapturalGlory]

CocoaCure i posted this in the offending thread:

"i am sorry if this thread is causing others to feel a negative condescending vibe about their relaxed hair. i really am just curious to understand the experience of those who have relaxer damage. i really am shocked at the numbers simply cuz relaxers are what they are and most black women where i live experience some form of damage regularly or occasionally. i understand how this can be seen as degrading but if you truly don't experience this damage then this poll isn't focused on you. as a natural i will be looked at warily on this forum because this is a forum that reflects the default values of the black community which often means a preference for relaxed, straightened, texturized, or naturally curly hair. again, i am sorry to offend those who took me so seriously. i was explaining my opinion from my own experience and honestly relaxers have a caution statement regarding burning so it is not like i was coming out of a hat with it.

have a great day and don't let one lil old poll get you down... i should have been much more sensitive to the possibility that this thread could be misconstrued. message boards can be hard to decipher if you know what i mean. i know some of you think i am now a troll or a militant natural. i did pay the $5 fee and i don't regard myself as militant because i don't try to "recruit" others i know to go natural in my daily life. "

babyblue you are on point. i just loved your posts in this thread.

again, i am sorry to those who are feeling down because of my presence on this board and the (apparently too honest) questions i pose.

 

[CocoaCure]

Well, thanks for this message Naptural, I think you probably made a lot of people feel better - like you're not insensitive. That took guts!

I have been a member on this board for quite a while, and there are tons of Naturals on here too! There are also a huge number of transitioners as well. I hope that during your stay here you will see all the relaxed heads that constantly make very supportive posts to the Naturals and vice versa.

LHCF is a place where we all encourage one another in our individual hair goals. For most of us, we want to grow our hair out long and healthy - for others, they just want the healthy part and aren't so concerened with length. But the main thing is that everyone here mostly supports one another. I'm sorry if you've had bad experiences, but hopefully you'll see more of the great things now that you've joined the board! Thanks for the post and good luck with all your hair goals!

 

[Tracy]

Cocoacure, girl,your passion is appreciated and I understand your logic completely, but your objections (albeit appreciated) are futile...I know from experience.

Even if this thread doesn't cause anyone to look critically at their choice of interaction - at least know what it did do is reinforce that this passive aggressive problem that's manifested itself on the board isn't a "natural" thing - it's a personality thing. And I thank you for bringing that to light and reminding me that it's not the hair that makes the person, it's the person that makes the hair.

I WISH I WOULD post a thread asking how many naturals break combs...how many sit home dateless on Friday night because no one loves their "napps" as much as they do, how difficult a time they'll have breaking down the doors of corporate america with their "coils and springs"....

Not only wouldn't I because it's rude and irrelevant, but if I DID....the thread would be 200 posts long telling me all about myself....

But it's the person that makes the hair, and not the hair that makes the person.....

 

[CocoaCure]

Great point Tracy!! Thanks! You're right, you wouldn't say those things because their rude and everyone knows how not all of Corporate America is as in love with our natural hair as we are..............heck, just our own AA men!!Sure many love natural hair, but there's probably twice as many who don't! So if you posted something asking about that......all hell would break loose!! Yet it appears to be OK to constantly remind relaxed heads about the warning lables on the boxes as though you can't read.

We can't have any double standards on this board - this board is like a big online living room of sorts, and we all want to take into account everyone's feelings. Am I so wrong for just wanting to be sensitive to the next person's feelings??? IS this really so awful??? I know we're grown women and not a bunch of babies, but I still think a little interpersonal sensitivity and grace is always in order. IMHO.

 

[Tracy]

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Am I so wrong for just wanting to be sensitive to the next person's feelings??? IS this really so awful???

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Nope. Not at all.

But we have a whole board FULL of wonderful women here, and I'm sure it won't continue to be a problem for long.

 

[NapturalGlory]

if you want to ask those questions tracy, please do. it won't offend me at all. and actually, many napturals have no probs finding dates although there are some whose husbands don't appreciate their hair. go ahead and ask. i have no problem.

i see you are trying to get under my skin. i have no problem with that because i am a strong woman in Christ.

blessings...

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

All I can say is WOW! I deliberately didn't read through the post with the poll because I really didn't care for it. I knew it would get to be a relaxed v. natural debate and somebody would get offended. It looks like someone did.

We can all take note of the words that we use to talk to each other. Even though something may be the truth does NOT mean that it SHOULD be said. We all need to be aware of our language and the powerful effect words do have on people.

Anyway, CocoaCure, I'm glad you posted this topic. I felt the negative vibe and stayed away from those threads - looks like I made a good choice. Even after reading a little of what was said on this thread, I DOUBLY CONVINCED that I won't be reading the poll. Everybody's head is different and everybody chooses to do what they want with their own heads.

The aim should be to get people to know the truth, but there is a way to do that without being offensive. The only time I have a problem with putting relaxers on a head is when it's put on a child and I'm like - Can you wait until she's old enough to decide what she wants? Other than that - be about your business.

 

[buffalosoldier]

Personally I would like to hear more from women who went natural (without the us versus you mentality)

IMO it is very interesting.
I can take or leave chemicals. I grew up without them and I"ve taken long breaks off them but these days I really like to use them on my hair. The chemical breaks I took helped me learn about my hair and allowed me to see and enjoy for the first time in years my natural hair. So when I returned to chemicals I was more empowered. My main priority is that my hair is healthy and it is cos I know how to take care of it.
But for some women this journey to being natural has been a very significant transition that has affected their personal lives, self confidence and how they feel about themselves as black women. Some are turning their backs on a relaxing tradition that might've been handed down from generation to generation in their family.
So why not let them tell their story? This is a hair board after all

Im listening ......

 

[babyblue]

Thanks for clarifying your position napturalglory. At least you if no one else understood what i was getting at. I guess im not one for always being politically corect. ah well...

Anyway to all those with relaxers who were so affected by the perceived rudeness of the thread in question, I want all of you come out and react with the same intensity when you see threads and posts or even situations in your real life where people make comments describing natural textured hair in a negative and demeaning way (which by the way does happen on this board from time to time). Respect and understanding goes both ways.

1

 

[Tracy]

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NapturalGlory said:
if you want to ask those questions tracy, please do. it won't offend me at all. and actually, many napturals have no probs finding dates although there are some whose husbands don't appreciate their hair. go ahead and ask. i have no problem.

i see you are trying to get under my skin. i have no problem with that because i am a strong woman in Christ.

blessings...

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You don't matter enough to me for me to purposely try to get under your skin NG.

I am well known for speaking up when I don't like something I see (whether I have a host of people in agreement - or none) and I fine tune my point until I feel I've been clear, take what I can from what else has been said, and have a think about it if I'm so inclined.

But I can PROMISE you, NOONE on this board matters enough to me for me to actively seek to annoy them or make them upset. They may matter enough for me to console them, or empathize with them (simply because that comes more naturally to me and I don't feel it's such a huge waste of energy), and I may even discuss things with people I don't know well at all - but I NEVER care enough to take the time to get under their skin. I simply respond to them if I'm so inclined and feel like undertaking the discussion - or I don't - and I ignore them.

You have a good day.

 

[Tai]

I'm transitioning right now.
My decision to return to my natural hair isn't because my hair is damaged or that I've had any problems with my texturizer. The only reason that I'm returning to my natural hair is that I want my curls back. Since I'm not using heat regularly on my hair, it makes since to me to return back to my curls since I'm wearing my hair in a wash n go style anyway. I can't comb or brush my texturized curls (they get straight or wavy) but I can comb and brush my natural curls and have my hair stay curly.
I'm not going natural because I think relaxers or chemicals in general are horrible. This is my second time transitioning; I returned to a texturizer after growing out my relaxed hair and being natural for awhile. Even though I don't think I will, there's no guarantee that I won't end up texturizing my hair again. I'm not doing a mental transition. This isn't a spiritual quest for me.
My primary goal is to have healthy, long hair. I'm just currently choosing to go natural to accomplish what I want for my hair. But my way isn't the only way to do this. Ultimately, only you can decide what to do with your hair. Find what works for you whether that's relaxed, texturized, curly permed, natural, braided, weaved, etc. It's your hair; do what you want.

 

[Crysdon]

[ QUOTE ]
I want all of you come out and react with the same intensity when you see threads and posts or even situations in your real life where people make comments describing natural textured hair in a negative and demeaning way situations in your real life where people make comments describing natural textured hair in a negative and demeaning way (which by the way does happen on this board from time to time). Respect and understanding goes both ways.


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Now I know where this (relaxer bashing) is stemming from...

 

[CocoaCure]

OK..........I think all have spoken. Some moderator can kindly dismantle this thread at their wishing.

 

[Tracy]

Not only that...but really - why on earth SHOULD we speak up for naturals who get demeaned?????

You defend the act of demeaning of other people and then request that those same people stand up for you and what YOU choose to do with your hair?????

MADNESS.

I do it ANYWAY because it's the right thing to do - but I'm just struck by the IRONY of that statment.

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

Tracy, girl, you've got me