Financial Abuse, Let's Talk About It!

[Ivonnovi]

I stumbled upon this gem of a topic, and was intrigued. Your Thoughts?

ETA: Usually Victims feel "stuck"... this could have overwhelming and long lasting effects

I was also taken aback when I realized that "I" had been a victim of this; AND THAT due to some somewhat predictable outcomes I've never really recovered. Over the past few years, I have been consciously working to change my relationship with money.

SIDEBAR:
About 2 years ago we were discussing a book titled: The Key's to The Kingdom, by Allison Armstrong. She also has an audiobook titled: In Sync With The Opposite Sex: Understand the Conflicts. End the Confusion. Make the Right Choices., in which she talks about a mindset of Scarcity [in dating].​

• As she put's it with this Scarcity-of-Men mindset women will “ twist and contort ourselves to be what we think that man wants. We may often sacrifice what will make us happy to keep this man.”
  • 
    
  • Off hand I can't remember exactly what she said that made me make the connection between that and how I handle money or make financial choices; but suddenly it Clicked.

Basically I was brought up with a certain (ill-prepared) mindset (dysfunction); and I found mates that did not positively compliment that mindset, one even took great liberties to use this to HIS advantage. Ohhh the stories I could tell (such as: He never shared a cent from our tax returns; we only ate out on my Paydays & guess who paid?)...

But anywho, now I am working on recovering and found myself amazed at how this plays into how I currently handle anxieties, phobias, and stress . Retail therapy anyone?

I DIDN'T see a thread on this when I searched so I figured I start one.

Here are 2 Definitions of Financial Abuse; (Their full articles provide awesome insight): ​

Financial abuse prevents victims from acquiring, using or maintaining financial resources. Financial abuse is just as effective in controlling a victim as a lock and key. Abusers employ isolating tactics such as preventing their spouse or partner from working or accessing a bank, credit card or transportation. They might tightly monitor and restrict their partner’s spending. Victims of financial abuse live a controlled life where they have been purposely put into a position of dependence, making it hard for the victim to break free.
Read more at: http://purplepurse.com/get-the-facts/about-domestic-violence/about-the-invisible-weapon

AND:​

Financial abuse often begins subtly and progresses over time. The aim of financial abuse, as with other forms of abuse, is to gain power and control in a relationship. Financial abuse along with emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, intimidation and threats are all aimed at getting and maintaining control over another person. The purpose is to trap them in the relationship.

Financial abuse is a tactic used to control relationships by preventing access to money or other financial resources. It might include:

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  • Controlling how money is spent
  • Withholding money or “giving an allowance”
  • Withholding basic living resources, medication or food
  • Not allowing their partner to work or earn money
  • Stealing their partner’s identity, money, credit or property
  • May justify behaviour as cultural.

Almost all couples have arguments about money. However, in financially healthy relationships, couples successfully negotiate their wants and needs.
Read more at: http://www.bwss.org/resources/econo...nderstanding-financial-abuse-safety-planning/


Huffington Post Blog entry: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ginger-dean/financial-abuse-6-signs-a_b_5627463.html


Unfortunately this type of abuse can be seen in other relationships too such as Parent/Child.

Your Thoughts and TAG suggestions are welcome!

Rejected [reasonable] tags include: Financial abuse, Domestic Violence, Abusive relationships, abuse, finance

 

[ArrrBeee]

I had a coworker whose husband gave her grocery money in an envelope.

She had to use credit cards so he could track all the money. When she went out of town, he mapped out routes that didn't use the tollway eventhough it added extra hours to the trip.

 

[HappyMadison]

I went through it during my first marriage. He had access to my bank account. In fact my account was joint, his was not. He took track of my spending and made me feel bad if I spent period. Like when I was pregnant, I would stop to get a bag of chips and he would berate me for spending, but he would eat out. It was coupled with emotional abuse.

 

[hopeful]

It's really scary all of the ways people can find to abuse and control their spouse.

 

[awhyley]

^^^ It's even worse when they have a business together.

*marking my spot*

 

[hothair]

Wow. From the beginning, my money is my money, his money is our money.

Like no. My own money I worked for or was given to me? Even my mama growing up never got involved with my money

I had a friend I've posted about who's ex hubby spent almost £300,000 of her money on partying and prostitutes and she was still with him. The car her dad gave as a wedding present was his pimp mobile to the extent the leather on the passenger seat got frayed from his shenanigans.

She wasted almost 10 years of her life with him. Finally dumped him when she collapsed severally from high bp and he came home drunk one time and almost choked her to death.

She says she stayed so long cause self esteem.

 

[IslandMummy]

I see a lot of fellow SAHMs who get stuck like.

I've run the gamut of working mom to full time SAHM to part time WAHM to full time WAHM to part time again and my money has always been mine.

It all boils down to self esteem and self respect and even if a woman comes into the marriage with those things in place, an abuser will tear you down little by little until you feel worthless.

Keeping open communication with family and friends helps tremendously, if they're good for you.

 

[CurliDiva]

I see a lot of fellow SAHMs who get stuck like.

I've run the gamut of working mom to full time SAHM to part time WAHM to full time WAHM to part time again and my money has always been mine.

It all boils down to self esteem and self respect and even if a woman comes into the marriage with those things in place, an abuser will tear you down little by little until you feel worthless.

Keeping open communication with family and friends helps tremendously, if they're good for you.

Hi @IslandMummy,

I'm very curious to hear suggestions as to how a couple can set up a financial balance, especially if the wife is SAHM or the couple is saving for a major purchase such as a house.

You don't have to share your personal story but I would like to hear your opinion!

 

[caribeandiva]

When I first started looking into financial abuse, 10 years ago, all I could find was stuff about elder abuse. No one was talking about it. There’s finally a book about it. It came out less than a year ago. I discovered it today by listening to a completely unrelated podcast (Redefining wealth). It’s called Exposing financial abuse: when money is a weapon by Shannon Thomas. Amazon product ASIN B07D4M9Z7J
I’m a survivor of financial abuse myself at the hands of my own parents. I found myself getting really angry while reading this book. I was definitely triggered by it. I understand it’s old anger resurfacing that I had bottled up over the years. The book reminded me of incidents I forgot about or of things I didn’t know where considered financial abuse. I’m glad I read it because it reminded me that I’m completely normal. I’m not where my peers are in life right now and it bothered me. That’s because they didn’t go through what I went through. It takes a lot of years to rebuild your life after getting out. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past decade. It’s been very frustrating starting life with an anchor tied around your legs through no fault of your own. The author wasn’t kidding when she said that it’s a marathon putting your life back together once you leave. By the grace of God, I continue to make great progress. I know I will win in the end!

 

[awhyley]

^^^ You WILL win! Thank you for this. It sounds as if it's chuck full of insight. Can't wait to read it.
*heads to Amazon to order this book*

 

[caribeandiva]

^^^ You WILL win! Thank you for this. It sounds as if it's chuck full of insight. Can't wait to read it.
*heads to Amazon to order this book*

Thank you. You won’t regret ordering it.

 

[Ayesha81]

My coworker was sahm when her first child was a newborn. Her husband gave her just $20.00 to get groceries when she came back he asked her for the change . She said ever since that happened she went back to work so she can have her own money.

 

[awhyley]

My coworker was sahm when her first child was a newborn. Her husband gave her just $20.00 to get groceries when she came back he asked her for the change. She said ever since that happened she went back to work so she can have her own money.

Hope she saving up to move on. Then she can tell him;

 

[Cheleigh]

When I was kid, my grandparents would occasionally have these blow-up massive arguments. My grandmother was essentially a SAHM, although she worked menial jobs like housekeeper or food service worker for extra income. My granddad gave her an "allowance" for all the bills and additional spending $. But during at least one notable argument, he told her he was "withholding" her allowance. Even as a kid, and as much as I loved my granddad, I vowed to never, ever, rely on anyone holding all the financial cards in the relationship. No matter how trustworthy they might seem to be. When people get angry, sometimes they turn into someone you wouldn't expect, and I can't be left holding the trick bag.

 

[mrselle]

I don't recall my grandparents ever arguing about money. From what I observed they had a system and it seemed to work for them. They weren't rich, but my grandfather was a planner and a saver and I don't ever recall him withholding anything from my grandmother. On the other hand, I remember my parents fighting about money quite a few times. I remember my dad referring to the car as his car and my mother saying, "Well, its my car too" and my dad scoffing at the idea. On top of that, neither one of them was good with money, so while we had what we needed and everything looked good on the surface, underneath was a big ol' bubbling mess.

As I got older I was made to feel as though any of their financial hardships were my fault. As a teen my understanding of finances was very limited. In the back of my mind I always questioned how it was my fault. I had no authority over their spending, no access to their finances and I certainly wasn't holding a weapon at their throats demanding money. Even knowing that, I still carried a certain amount of guilt.

As I get older and reflect back on certain things, I see how and why I have the attitude that I do about finances.

 

[caribeandiva]

As I got older I was made to feel as though any of their financial hardships were my fault.

Same. They kept saying that they’d be way more financially stable if they didn’t have 8 kids. Well now everyone is basically grown and moved out (or getting ready to) and my parents are STILL struggling financially. Oh well.