Family Feud

I don’t understand why you were staying with such a disrespectful relative. It is none of her business if you cook or not cook for your husband. It sounds like most of this could have been avoided if you stayed in a hotel and just came by to visit. I think you went too far with what you said to your aunt’s husband. I wish your husband had stood up for you but again I don’t understand staying at someone’s home when they mistreat you like they do/did. Your husband was put in a difficult situation. That said, if I recall correctly he has a history of not standing up for you and I think that is why you are so hurt. You are fed up with him.
 
Is the aunt yours or his?
If she is your blood relative I can understand why he didn't say anything.
Also I don't think you should have said what you did to the aunt's husband. When staying in someone's home you don't disrespect or be rude to them especially when they are elderly/older family.
 
I'm not WI, so maybe it's different culturally. But I am Southern, and it's rude to stay in bed and not eat when your host has cooked breakfast. It's double rude to go out for breakfast when your host has already cooked it. It sounds like she may have been hyped up by some gossip/talk going on behind your back, and also feeling slighted by you not eating or at least helping with cooking. It would have been better to offer to make some grits or to eat the breakfast without grits.

Also, your comment to her husband...:giggle: I would have kicked you out, too, though. Just being honest. Even if it was true.
 
My aunt, mom, friends, would be so offended if they cooked breakfast and I decided to go eat out to eat instead. WI families don't take to well to this type of behavior. I personally, as a hostess would be offended if my guest did this to me after I opened my home up to them as well.

I do think what you said to your aunt's husband was out of line as well.

You sound like you were miserable being there. Why did you stay there in the first place? Wouldn't you already know what to expect? I know what family members I can put up with and those that I can't...

Yes, hubby didn't defend you but there must be something bigger going on here because this one incident doesn't seem to be grounds for divorce.
 
Good advice/observations given all the way around.
  1. It sounds like there's a history between the Aunt and you that we are not aware of. Hence you didn't partake of her morning routine; and her feeling slighted. She Luh's her Man, her man doesn't leave the house without a hot meal; and she expects you to do the same for yours:rolleyes:. This was not the occasion for you to prove a point.

  2. Under these types of visitation situations; it would have been better for you and your spouse to offer to take e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e out for breakfast. And make that offer as early as the night before. After all, she was a hospitable host and fixed you all breakfast daily.

  3. It may very well be that the Aunt was projecting her hurt/anger/and frustrations on to you. (possibly wasted groceries and effort). Her (reformed and) repentant husband was following her suggestions.

  4. Yes, you could have handled your desire for Grits differently. Yes, hubby could have intervened on your behalf. Also, YES, MAYBE hubby had analysis-paralysis because he given the circumstances he wasn't going to be able to please the both of you*

    I'm sure he probably considered having a convo with you about not eating the breakfast(s), and then deciding one AM that y'all should go out for "grits" instead of partaking of the already prepared meal; yet he said nothing but just obliged you. Then when Auntie and Uncle went off (which he probably knew would happen) again he said nothing.
I don't see this as a Divorceable Offense; given you clearly knew how to handle these adversaries. HOWEVER, I do see this as highlighting the fact that you and HUBBY may need to be open to UNCOMFORTABLE dialogues about YOUR INDIVIDUAL perspective on the situation; and how to handle these arrangements in the future.
 
Okay after reading some posts, I can see why the aunt was upset after she made breakfast. In retrospect, you probably should've taken everyone out to breakfast (mention it to her before she cooks). I probably would've said something to her about the disrespect early on and left to stay at a hotel if she kept it up.

I say take some deep breaths and tell your husband why you are upset. Find out why he didn't say anything.

I understand why you are upset at him, though. Just make sure that you do not intertwine the anger at your relatives with your anger at him. He can't control them.

PS. I ain't mad at what you said to your uncle. Oh well.
 
This is a tad tough. Total Devils Advocate here.

First, what is your relationship like with your aunt and is she aware of your mental health? If she is, she could have been probably been trying to just beat you in the head.

What’s your history like with her (kinda rhetorical). It might have been better to not have stayed with her. It also sounds like she was looking to pick on you and knew it would be easy (if she knows your mental health history).

Your husband could have been more supportive, however, he knows you better so is likely weighing the pros and cons, but he may just not be supportive and if he isn’t, and you aren’t happy, I fully support being happy and mentally rested versus going through motions and being mentally exhausted. Maybe you could benefit from alone time (?) but you know what’s best for you. You’re already weighing options, so you likely have your mind made up, but talk with him before you make a decision.

I am from the North (lol) and agree that you were disrespectful in others house, however, in terms of what happened, it’s unfair to be respectful when others aren’t. Whether or not they were doing you a favor or opened/offered their home, respect goes both ways. I don’t think your marriage is anyone’s business unless you make it. If they thought you were disrespectful, fine but they didn’t need to drag your husband into it.

Also, your aunt seems confrontational, so they were likely waiting. Your aunt cussed you out but did she ask? There is a difference. And her husband should have stayed out of it.
 
I have a question based on the comments/advice. Let's say that Ganjababy didn't want to go out to eat and was respectful the entire time? How else would someone handle a rude, nosy, busybody bad mouthing you in front of your husband besides leaving? I never understood people that do this. What is the point of it? To shame her into behaving the way she wants? To get her husband to leave her? What is the real goal when someone does this?

And my family is from the south like someone else mentioned and when staying at relatives you do have to get up and have breakfast with them because they have opened their home and are trying to be good hosts so I get it. However, there are a handful of people in my family that will cook whatever they want (with no regard for their guests which they have every right to do but do I really have to make myself sick eating their disgusting food all in the name of being polite?!) And then if you stay in a hotel you'll never hear the end of it because that's rude too! Damn, managing people's feelings is such a minefield. Even when - in fact especially when! - you are a decent and polite person.
 
If someone tells me to leave, I'm out. And I'm not coming back. But I don't play games and I mean what I say, so people just don't bother with me in that way unless they mean it. I think you should get out of that place regardless of what happens because uncle dared to tell you to leave. You did go too far with him but that was because you felt unsupported and he did go too far yelling at you as well. I wouldn't make a fuss or be dramatic about it either. I'd just pack and let them know that I thank them for their hospitality but we will go to a hotel and see them later. I wouldn't explain. If they are too silly to understand why, then that's on them. As for telling someone you're not leaving their house, that's for the birds. It's their house no matter how annoying or ridiculous they behave so you need to respect that.

Meanwhile, though, it appears to me that you should not stay there (and never should ) with such judgmental people. With relatives like this, I get a hotel. You should get a hotel whenever you visit from now on and that way they can stay out of your business and you out of theirs.'

As for the hubby, I'm sure other married women will chime in on him.
 
Last edited:
Ipanema said:
I'm not WI, so maybe it's different culturally. But I am Southern, and it's rude to stay in bed and not eat when your host has cooked breakfast. It's double rude to go out for breakfast when your host has already cooked it. It sounds like she may have been hyped up by some gossip/talk going on behind your back, and also feeling slighted by you not eating or at least helping with cooking. It would have been better to offer to make some grits or to eat the breakfast without grits.

Also, your comment to her husband...:giggle: I would have kicked you out, too, though. Just being honest. Even if it was true.
Click to expand...


Yes. I would've told her that I was getting breakfast the next morning to avoid all of that drama (so that she doesn't cook). Now if she still insisted, that's on her (and I would probably do what I suggested below :look: because pushy relatives get what they deserve :lol: ). And as mentioned in my previous post, I would've just stayed at a hotel to avoid all the drama unless I wanted to go through all the etiquette stuff . My relatives are southern too and they would definitely think it's rude if they cooked breakfast and you didn't eat because they went through all that trouble. So I could see that she was slighted. I know sometimes when I visit, I pretend to eat (pocket said items in a napkin like biscuits and bacon to feed to the dogs, and throw away the grits) and kim. I know that's horrible but I don't want to eat grits, bacon, and eggs every day. AND if I tell you I'm going to eat out and you don't listen, then le shrug. I'm not going to offend you but you're not going to ruin my day either :giggle:.
 
One thing I think OP also was annoyed with is that her host was always commenting on her treatment of her hubby and so on. That is not her place. Thus she needs to just stay at a hotel when she's there. I think that (I'm guessing) rubbed OP the wrong way in the beginning and started this downward spiral: not coming out for breakfast, wanting to go eat away, etc (basically to avoid the nagging), which then brought on even more problems later. The host was wrong for that and sure OP could've been polite and eaten there and so on, but the host was negative and judging her treatment of her hubby the whole time. So really there was no right way to deal with them. OP just needs to visit and stay at a hotel next time to avoid all of this. They can judge her from afar next time.
 
LdyKamz said:
I have a question based on the comments/advice. Let's say that Ganjababy didn't want to go out to eat and was respectful the entire time? How else would someone handle a rude, nosy, busybody bad mouthing you in front of your husband besides leaving? I never understood people that do this. What is the point of it? To shame her into behaving the way she wants? To get her husband to leave her? What is the real goal when someone does this?

And my family is from the south like someone else mentioned and when staying at relatives you do have to get up and have breakfast with them because they have opened their home and are trying to be good hosts so I get it. However, there are a handful of people in my family that will cook whatever they want (with no regard for their guests which they have every right to do but do I really have to make myself sick eating their disgusting food all in the name of being polite?!) And then if you stay in a hotel you'll never hear the end of it because that's rude too! Damn, managing people's feelings is such a minefield. Even when - in fact especially when! - you are a decent and polite person.
Click to expand...
Don't stay at abusive and critical family members' houses. The only person you can control is you....so you take yourself out of the abusive environment. Period.
 
You have all this anger towards your husband when your quarrel is really with your aunt. Displaced anger, because it also seems that her comments hit a nerve that you might subconsciously agree with in some form, or you might not have escalated so quickly. If anyone is being critical are abusive to you and you are staying in their home, remove yourself and your family from that situation.

Your husband reacted as many people do when dealing with loved ones with mental disorders in the middle of conflict - go silent until they can assess the next move. Add that to not wanting to get in a fight with family, over the holidays, who are hosting and feeding you- he was in a tough spot.


Are you are telling your husband you want a divorce as a threat or punishment, or are you using the tools you learn in therapy to talk to him like a grown man about why you are upset and understand his perspective?
If you resent him and don’t want to be with him anymore, deal with that and make a decision.
 
Thanks for the replies. It is really disheartening that I have no one I could trust enough to talk about this to irl. I don’t trust their judgments. Two sisters are always on my side no matter what I do and rationalize my actions so well. While others seem to put dh on a martyr pedestal. I knew I would get some good, unbiased advise here.
 
I hate when people try to police others' marriage...in front of the spouse. That is disrespectful imo. And like @LdyKamz said, what is the point of this?

From your post ganja, it seems like your aunt was mostly upset that you weren't up helping her in the kitchen, cooking for your husband. Moreso than simply not eating the breakfast she prepared. So, even if yall had ate the breakfast she'd prepared, she still would've disrespected yall by talking bad about you around the breakfast table. So why have breakfast with someone like that anyway? I wouldn't have ate her damn breakfast neither.

People are commenting that what you said to your aunts husband was disrespectful. Lol. Was what he said to you first, in front of your husband, not disrespectful? What were you supposed to say back? Ok thanks? :lol: He said he didn't like how you treat your husband and you basically replied with well i don't like how you treat your wife. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I understand your husband not saying anything to your aunt. I feel like the onus of defending is on the blood relative. Did your husband at least talk ish about her/ them in private, to you?
 
Ganjababy said:
We left early the next morning. Dh wanted to go to a hotel as soon as uncs said to leave his house. That was the only time he opened his mouth. But I wanted to annoy uncs so I refused to leave. Also I could see myself getting emotionally hysterical if I left. At least my aunt put her foot down regarding that.

I should never have gone to her house. I honestly feel that some of my family members think that i should be treated like crap by by husband and I feel as if my aunt is projecting her feelings onto me. She actually said in jest that I needed a beating from my husband. No joke.

When I confronted her she said it was a joke. I took her word because I knew that she would kill her husband before she allowed him to beat her. But over the years he has beaten her spirit with all his affairs. Now she is happy with him because he is all whored out.
Click to expand...

I would give my husband credit for the bolded. This seems like a great way to defend you in the midst of the craziness.
 
He said we are all crazy
qchelle said:
I hate when people try to police others' marriage...in front of the spouse. That is disrespectful imo. And like @LdyKamz said, what is the point of this?

From your post ganja, it seems like your aunt was mostly upset that you weren't up helping her in the kitchen, cooking for your husband. Moreso than simply not eating the breakfast she prepared. So, even if yall had ate the breakfast she'd prepared, she still would've disrespected yall by talking bad about you around the breakfast table. So why have breakfast with someone like that anyway? I wouldn't have ate her damn breakfast neither.

People are commenting that what you said to your aunts husband was disrespectful. Lol. Was what he said to you first, in front of your husband, not disrespectful? What were you supposed to say back? Ok thanks? :lol: He said he didn't like how you treat your husband and you basically replied with well i don't like how you treat your wife. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I understand your husband not saying anything to your aunt. I feel like the onus of defending is on the blood relative. Did your husband at least talk ish about her/ them in private, to you?
Click to expand...
 
Your aunt is rude and intrusive. You made a mistake to stay there. Your husband was right to stay out of it. Your man did not need to get into dispute between two women and who are related. You put him in this situation. I'm sure he did not really want to stay with your batty aunt. Its your job to either learn how to demand respect from your family or avoid the situation altogether.

No comment on the grits thing, because the first time any relative of mine opened her mouth about how I handle my husband- that would be her last time.
 
qchelle said:
I hate when people try to police others' marriage...in front of the spouse. That is disrespectful imo. And like @LdyKamz said, what is the point of this?
People are commenting that what you said to your aunts husband was disrespectful. Lol. Was what he said to you first, in front of your husband, not disrespectful? What were you supposed to say back? Ok thanks? :lol: He said he didn't like how you treat your husband and you basically replied with well i don't like how you treat your wife. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I understand your husband not saying anything to your aunt. I feel like the onus of defending is on the blood relative. Did your husband at least talk ish about her/ them in private, to you?
Click to expand...
I could be wrong but, I don't think anyone had a problem with her response back to the uncle in that manner, only the not leaving the house part. I could be wrong. I can say, I know I only spoke of disrespect in that sense. But in her response to his shenanigans? I died laughing on that part because


Dude wants to tell people how to live their life? Well then don't be surprised when someone tells you about your life. :lachen:

But again that only escalated things even more leading to the whole get out of my house thing. And that part, is where I think people were like how are you going to tell someone you're not leaving their house? :lol: Like of course he was slighted, his ego was bruised and he was going for the kill but still, if you tell me to leave, okay then.

But in no way do I have a problem with her defending herself. I do think all of this could be avoided though by simply staying in a hotel so that pushy relatives like this can keep their judgements to themselves. Thus win win. I'm all for avoiding b.s when necessary. OP is already stressed out enough, why go into an environment where you feel unsupported and then people are trying to push things from 0-10 in seconds? Nah. Pass.
 
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