Experiences with the faux nice guy and how to spot them

[ChasingBliss]

A FAUX nice guy:

1. CONSTANTLY talks about how much of a nice guy he is and how much he suffers because of it.

2. frequently takes subtle pot shots at women by making comments about how we "have it easy" or "don't appreciate" all of the things men do for us.

3. projects his emotional baggage and insatisfaction with current/past relationships onto other people (all the while being an outsider who REALLY needs to mind his own business and let people sort through their issues on their own).

4. is a MASTER of misdirected anger and aggression. Instead of addressing his issues with the individual women who are fueling his frustration, he will keep his feelings to himself, continue to be an enabler, and take them out on the woman he feels comfortable enough to share with (read: you).

5. is QUICK to always "flip the script" to point out women's hypocrisies, but will twist up his face like he's sucking on a lemon and stop you dead in your tracks when you make anything CLOSE to a blanket statement about men.

6. will pout and give you the silent treatment with the quickness and thinks NOTHING of using your feelings and desire to make him happy against you.

Wow, you just described someone I know to a friggen T. erplexed

 

[Lissa0821]

Imani Thank you for that post. I recently stopping someone who I thought was a nice guy. But he had ALL the characteristics you described to a T, at first I gave him a pass when he showed out on me. The second time, I was little bit more stern and let him know you cute but you not that cute. The third time he tried to show his behind I was done. I normally shut men down right off if they come to me with some foolishness but he seems so nice. However, I never let my guard down completely because something just didn't seem right but nothing seemed so bad not to date him.

The third incident showed me the "nice guy" was just an act, he wanted things his way or the highway after all he had been "so nice" to me. I took the highway and I haven't heard from him since.

 

[BK Bombshell]

A faux nice guy...

- Always complains about the fact that he's such a nice guy and women seem to always be turned off by his kindness.

\

-He's always complaining about how he's so "nice" and how women don't usually like "nice guys", and you start noticing that NOTHING is ever HIS fault. He doesn't own up to his own faults/imperfections, and always tends to blame previous bad relationships on the other person. Never seeing where HE could have contributed to the problem as well.

From what I'm gathering, faux nice guys have a sense of entitlement. They drive it home how nice they are and feel special concessions should be made because of it. Then when things don't go their way, it has everything to do with the woman and the suffering they have to endure as a nice guy. Interesting.

YES! The constant declarations of how nice they are is the biggest red flag for me. Went on a date with a faux nice guy and all evening he was talking about how much he spoiled his ex and she was ungrateful, women say they want a nice guy but really don't, women take advantage of good guys and make them turn into bad guys

I couldn't get away from him fast enough.

 

[Bklynqueen]

-Passive aggressive
-Manipulative and very clever
-Sneaky
-Often very popular or well liked, not like in the say "star athlete on campus" way but bc people think he's agreeable/nice. So when he flips the script and u tell anyone about it, they won't believe u or will think it must be u bc he's "such a nice guy".
-Always has to state how nice of a guy he is and that's why girls don't like him. When in reality its bc he's untrustworthy and a whiny *****
-nothing is ever his fault. Nothing. Ever.
-has low self esteem and trust issues
-is really only nice to people to make them like him or to receive something in return bc he isn't confident enough w himself to think people will accept him just by being himself
-when things don't go his way all hell will break loose and the nice facade will quickly go away. And its all ur fault. Or his ex's fault. Or his mommas. Anybody but him.
-very judgemental esp towards women. And esp women who he perceives as "loose"
-always plays the victim and feeds on sympathy. All his exes were evil b*tches, he was picked on as a child, yada yada. He will draw u in and make u feel sorry for him
-sometimes has a very low number of sexual partners and he will tell u its bc of his high morals or respect for women. The real reason is bc his game is wack/he hasn't tried much bc he's afraid of rejection
-does not love himself and probably doesn't have a real understanding of what love is, so can never truly love anyone else either (until he works his issus out)




Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

^^^^^ THIS! I am now learning this sad lesson after breaking off my engagement. Almost 9 years of my life down the tubes. I'm printing this out and tacking it to my fridge and heart.

 

[MissJ]

I agree with him trying to convince you how much of a nice guy he is. If he was really that nice, you would know, and he wouldn't have to keep repeating it.

 

[Imani]

Imani Thank you for that post. I recently stopping someone who I thought was a nice guy. But he had ALL the characteristics you described to a T, at first I gave him a pass when he showed out on me. The second time, I was little bit more stern and let him know you cute but you not that cute. The third time he tried to show his behind I was done. I normally shut men down right off if they come to me with some foolishness but he seems so nice. However, I never let my guard down completely because something just didn't seem right but nothing seemed so bad not to date him.

The third incident showed me the "nice guy" was just an act, he wanted things his way or the highway after all he had been "so nice" to me. I took the highway and I haven't heard from him since.

Lol, I see you in Atl, hope it wasn't my ex

 

[Imani]

^^^^^ THIS! I am now learning this sad lesson after breaking off my engagement. Almost 9 years of my life down the tubes. I'm printing this out and tacking it to my fridge and heart.

D@mn, 9 years Bless your heart. I can't even imagine. I almost had a breakdown, shoot, actually I did have a breakdown, just from dealing w/someone like that for 2 years.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I went on my first date with a nice guy I'm glad things didn't pan out and I didn't have a chance to see that "other side" of B.S. I actually remember my mom asking me if he explained why he liked me, wanted to take me out, etc. and I didn't have an answer. He just talked about himself and how "nice" he was the entire time.

 

[tocktick]

The faux nice guy to me fits some or all of the list below:

- in a rush to get to "know" me
- consistently calls, texts, etc.
- excessive complimenting
- conceals a lot about himself personally
- talk about sex a lot


Anything that appears like you are in a rush to gain my trust so you can hit.

These parts of the list were spot on for me. Another sign for me was dude randomly bringing up other women - imo, in order to try to make me "compete". Only problem is I don't play that so I made a swift exist. Other signs were appear "nice" but actually begrudgingly revealing info about himself when asked simple "getting to know you" questions. Basically a lack of openness that even I as a somewhat detached and private person found really odd.

These kind of guys always slip up here and there, revealing their true outlook on the world and/or women and thus their real selves.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Oh yes, and do NOT forget that they will say that the woman just isn’t ready for a “REAL” relationship with them.




Let them explain. It's funny. They think they have you hooked and believing their BS. You get a comedy show and you get to learn how far these kinds of men go to get you to believe their BS. Let them talk ... listen and learn (and laugh inaudibly).

Funny thing is, they expect you to behave the same way … elaborate explanations. I was dealing with someone like this. I went out just to get out … people watch … nothing special. When he asked me about my evening, I simply said, “ The evening served its purpose.” He was irritated that my response was so short. At the end of the conversation I just said next time I will lie and provide a lengthy explanation of the evening. Those that know me well would not have given my response “it served its purpose” a second thought.

This is soooo true. My ex stayed upset with me because my explanations were always so short. He felt like I was always hiding something, but he wanted more info about me in order to manipulate me.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier

 

[Kindheart]

@BeautifulFlower OMG ! LMAO ! I ve had a similar experience ,i ve had this guy sending me naked pics of him for weeks ,i never even commented on them,I must have been on his list of potential hoes .lol.little he knows how much i laughed about him and his antics with my friends .Hilarious I actually had to email him asking to please stop sending pics of his D ,I honestly didnt see the point and felt embarassed for him .

 

[butterfly_wings]

LOL so you have met my ex then!

-Passive aggressive
-Manipulative and very clever
-Sneaky
-Often very popular or well liked, not like in the say "star athlete on campus" way but bc people think he's agreeable/nice. So when he flips the script and u tell anyone about it, they won't believe u or will think it must be u bc he's "such a nice guy".
-Always has to state how nice of a guy he is and that's why girls don't like him. When in reality its bc he's untrustworthy and a whiny *****
-nothing is ever his fault. Nothing. Ever.
-has low self esteem and trust issues
-is really only nice to people to make them like him or to receive something in return bc he isn't confident enough w himself to think people will accept him just by being himself
-when things don't go his way all hell will break loose and the nice facade will quickly go away. And its all ur fault. Or his ex's fault. Or his mommas. Anybody but him.
-very judgemental esp towards women. And esp women who he perceives as "loose"
-always plays the victim and feeds on sympathy. All his exes were evil b*tches, he was picked on as a child, yada yada. He will draw u in and make u feel sorry for him
-sometimes has a very low number of sexual partners and he will tell u its bc of his high morals or respect for women. The real reason is bc his game is wack/he hasn't tried much bc he's afraid of rejection
-does not love himself and probably doesn't have a real understanding of what love is, so can never truly love anyone else either (until he works his issus out)




Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

 

[Imani]

LOL so you have met my ex then!

Chile, I could go on and on about these dudes, lol. Seems like majority of guys I deal w have been like this to some extent. With the last one being an extreme textbook example. Now I'm more so focusing on figuring out what is going on w me that is attracted to and attracting these dudes so I can fix it asap.

Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

 

[wavezncurlz]

A FAUX nice guy:

1. CONSTANTLY talks about how much of a nice guy he is and how much he suffers because of it.

2. frequently takes subtle pot shots at women by making comments about how we "have it easy" or "don't appreciate" all of the things men do for us.

3. projects his emotional baggage and insatisfaction with current/past relationships onto other people (all the while being an outsider who REALLY needs to mind his own business and let people sort through their issues on their own).

4. is a MASTER of misdirected anger and aggression. Instead of addressing his issues with the individual women who are fueling his frustration, he will keep his feelings to himself, continue to be an enabler, and take them out on the woman he feels comfortable enough to share with (read: you).

5. is QUICK to always "flip the script" to point out women's hypocrisies, but will twist up his face like he's sucking on a lemon and stop you dead in your tracks when you make anything CLOSE to a blanket statement about men.

6. will pout and give you the silent treatment with the quickness and thinks NOTHING of using your feelings and desire to make him happy against you.

DAMN! Where were you 6 years ago. I'm going through this right now. I thought I'd found prince charming. Nice guy right. He's nice but angry, manipulative, in denial, just mean ... Nothing, nothing, nothing is his fault.

 

[halee_J]

-Passive aggressive
-Manipulative and very clever
-Sneaky
-Often very popular or well liked, not like in the say "star athlete on campus" way but bc people think he's agreeable/nice. So when he flips the script and u tell anyone about it, they won't believe u or will think it must be u bc he's "such a nice guy".
-Always has to state how nice of a guy he is and that's why girls don't like him. When in reality its bc he's untrustworthy and a whiny *****
-nothing is ever his fault. Nothing. Ever.
-has low self esteem and trust issues
-is really only nice to people to make them like him or to receive something in return bc he isn't confident enough w himself to think people will accept him just by being himself
-when things don't go his way all hell will break loose and the nice facade will quickly go away. And its all ur fault. Or his ex's fault. Or his mommas. Anybody but him.
-very judgemental esp towards women. And esp women who he perceives as "loose"
-always plays the victim and feeds on sympathy. All his exes were evil b*tches, he was picked on as a child, yada yada. He will draw u in and make u feel sorry for him
-sometimes has a very low number of sexual partners and he will tell u its bc of his high morals or respect for women. The real reason is bc his game is wack/he hasn't tried much bc he's afraid of rejection
-does not love himself and probably doesn't have a real understanding of what love is, so can never truly love anyone else either (until he works his issus out)




Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

The last guy I had to fall back from was just.like.this. Esp the bolded constantly throwing himself a pity party for one reason or another. And yeah it was never his fault. Ever.

Man, I wish I had this info like when I first started dating, I would have saved myself sooooo much time, effort and emotion.

 

[Imani]

Something else I wanted to add about the faux nice guy. He will put u on a pedestal and shower u with attention early on. This will seem great at first. Ur thinking finally, someone who really likes me, treats me like a queen, and is genuinely sweet...wrong.

The faux nice guy does this w EVERY woman. In his mind, bc nothing is ever his fault and he's a saint, every other past relationship was ruined by evil ungrateful women. So he's looking at u like finally he's found the perfect woman who will appreciate him and "make him happy". Emphasis on "make him happy" bc we all know no one can make u happy if u r not allready happy with urself...which he is not. So eventually when u don't live up to his unrealistic expectations, the script will begin to flip and the jeckle/hyde show begins. He doesn't really like u, he likes the IDEA of you. He doesn't even really know you.


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[ChasingBliss]

Something else I wanted to add about the faux nice guy. He will put u on a pedestal and shower u with attention early on. This will seem great at first. Ur thinking finally, someone who really likes me, treats me like a queen, and is genuinely sweet...wrong.

The faux nice guy does this w EVERY woman. In his mind, bc nothing is ever his fault and he's a saint, every other past relationship was ruined by evil ungrateful women. So he's looking at u like finally he's found the perfect woman who will appreciate him and "make him happy". Emphasis on "make him happy" bc we all know no one can make u happy if u r not allready happy with urself...which he is not. So eventually when u don't live up to his unrealistic expectations, the script will begin to flip and the jeckle/hyde show begins. He doesn't really like u, he likes the IDEA of you. He doesn't even really know you.


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So unbelievably ON POINT! Wow.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

Haven't even read the entire thread, but I wish I would have come across this about two years ago; would have saved me from 8 unfortunate weeks.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

Something else I wanted to add about the faux nice guy. He will put u on a pedestal and shower u with attention early on. This will seem great at first. Ur thinking finally, someone who really likes me, treats me like a queen, and is genuinely sweet...wrong.

The faux nice guy does this w EVERY woman. In his mind, bc nothing is ever his fault and he's a saint, every other past relationship was ruined by evil ungrateful women. So he's looking at u like finally he's found the perfect woman who will appreciate him and "make him happy". Emphasis on "make him happy" bc we all know no one can make u happy if u r not allready happy with urself...which he is not. So eventually when u don't live up to his unrealistic expectations, the script will begin to flip and the jeckle/hyde show begins. He doesn't really like u, he likes the IDEA of you. He doesn't even really know you.


Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

I said this of my ex after the fact. He started trying to make a slew of grand gestures to regain my attention & a striking revelation dawned on me. He was never enamored with me, just with the fact that we looked great together on paper; he was more interested in molding me around his ideal than getting to know & accept who I am.

Poor fella.

 

[jerseygurl]

Every woman is a hoe....except for you of course

I dated one myself and I was angry with myself for falling for his tricks. Always talking about how he would do this and that for me but never came through. Under the guise of caring about you, he would ask you what you were doing, who with and why you didn't tell him you were doing something that didn't involve him.

 

[Imani]

I said this of my ex after the fact. He started trying to make a slew of grand gestures to regain my attention & a striking revelation dawned on me. He was never enamored with me, just with the fact that we looked great together on paper; he was more interested in molding me around his ideal than getting to know & accept who I am.

Poor fella.

THIS. I didn't even realize thats what he was doing until after the fact. He even said this verbatim after we broke up that he admittedly was trying to "nudge me" in the direction to be what he wanted me to be.

 

[hopeful]

No new experiences this year. However, after reading some books last year, I conducted some “experiments”, if you want to call it that and I learned a lot about Red Flag Self Professed Nice Guys. And, I learned a lot about myself too.


Please consider reading the following books:

BTW: This author has a website.

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown
http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dang...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311787818&sr=1-1

NOTE: there is a separate workbook too.





Women Who Love Psychopaths - 2nd Edition by Sandra L. Brown M.A.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Lov...=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311787818&sr=1-4

or

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/wwlp2-e-book

NOTE: This book has really good information about warning signs. It is well worth reading.

She also has an excellent book on how to break up with a psychopath.


​

Fake charm (something about it does not seem genuine)

Talks about how his friends and anyone how knows him knows how honest he is … blah blah blah.

ETA:
Talks about how honest he is of course. Then, he will intentionally do something dishonest, tell you about it and then say he’s telling you, because he wanted to be upfront and honest. This is designed to make you trust him “more”.

​

Eager to get you tied down.

Wishy-washy about his views! Will change something he previously said to make it seem as though his views are in alignment with yours.

Some of these men frequently have double standards.

Frequently caught in lies, but when you call them on it, they will act as though they do not know what you are talking about OR will try to convince you they meant something else OR they will try to convince you that you misunderstood what he said OR if it is a cross-cultural relationship he will pull out the "language card" <- DO NOT FALL FOR THAT BS!!!!

It “appears” as though nothing bothers them. - http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/nothing-bothers-him-i-wish-i-were-more-like-him

Pay attention to their body language, especially their eyes and facial muscles. You can tell when they are trying to hold their anger back, but pretending to be cool, calm and collected. I have noticed that some of these men really have bad tempers, but do their best to conceal it.


ETC ......

NOTE: there is an excellent article that she wrote. If I can find it, I will be back in this thread to post it!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/when-friends-dont-get-it-about-him

Reposting just because someone here may need to read these books.

 

[juliansmom]

Something else I wanted to add about the faux nice guy. He will put u on a pedestal and shower u with attention early on. This will seem great at first. Ur thinking finally, someone who really likes me, treats me like a queen, and is genuinely sweet...wrong.

The faux nice guy does this w EVERY woman. In his mind, bc nothing is ever his fault and he's a saint, every other past relationship was ruined by evil ungrateful women. So he's looking at u like finally he's found the perfect woman who will appreciate him and "make him happy". Emphasis on "make him happy" bc we all know no one can make u happy if u r not allready happy with urself...which he is not. So eventually when u don't live up to his unrealistic expectations, the script will begin to flip and the jeckle/hyde show begins. He doesn't really like u, he likes the IDEA of you. He doesn't even really know you.


Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

This is an old post but this describes my ex to a T

3 years wasted..

 

[juliansmom]

-He always "appears" to be such a "nice guy" towards you, but sometimes you notice that he'll do/say things that aren't so "nice" OR, you'll hear reports of him being cruddy towards his friends, family members, or other women in general. When someone shows you who they are (or who they CAN be) the first time....BELIEVE THEM.

-He's always complaining about how he's so "nice" and how women don't usually like "nice guys", and you start noticing that NOTHING is ever HIS fault. He doesn't own up to his own faults/imperfections, and always tends to blame previous bad relationships on the other person. Never seeing where HE could have contributed to the problem as well.

-He has two sides to himself: One face that he shows your family members, and friends, and yet another side that he shows you.

-He showers you with compliments when he just met you and doesn't even know you well.

-Your family members/close friends don't like/don't trust him for some reason...even though he seems like a "nice guy". ***BIG SIGN!***

-He showers you withg gifts and does all of these outlandish things to get your attention and you think he's oh-so-sweet, but little do you know....he's going above and beyond so you will *THINK* that he's a "nice guy"...NOT because he truly is. People who are truly "nice" don't have to really "prove" that they are....they just ARE. I think if you pay attention, you can "sense" it when someone is really genuinely nice. If you ever feel a twinge of doubt, or sometimes wonder whether his actions are truly genuine, then that might be a red flag that there is something disingenuous going on.

This also describes him to a T.

I am so disgusted right now..

 

[tru4reele]

-says all the rights things

-compliments you a lot

-always talks about a future with you but no timeline or execution

-you catch him in small lies

-well dressed and groomed

-he talks about his exes

-uses his work as an excuse for being busy or not having time to spend with you

 

[PeaceLover]

A faux nice guy...

- Always complains about the fact that he's such a nice guy and women seem to always be turned off by his kindness.

-Gets really emotionally upset if there are things that you've done in your sexual past that he feels should have been saved for him.

-Has a HUGE madonna-whore complex

-Always tries to have "housedates"

-Tries to convince women that them being "independent" makes them appear less like a gold-digger.

This.

 

[barbiesocialite]

According to my girlfriend, I attract Hank Basketts (not the tranny thing lol)


I don't think it's fair because I'm always the bad guy

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

@Ballerina_Bun

Which book would you recommend if you had to choose one? My budget is extra tight this week.

No new experiences this year. However, after reading some books last year, I conducted some “experiments”, if you want to call it that and I learned a lot about Red Flag Self Professed Nice Guys. And, I learned a lot about myself too.


Please consider reading the following books:

BTW: This author has a website.

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown
http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dang...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311787818&sr=1-1

NOTE: there is a separate workbook too.





Women Who Love Psychopaths - 2nd Edition by Sandra L. Brown M.A.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Lov...=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311787818&sr=1-4

or

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/wwlp2-e-book

NOTE: This book has really good information about warning signs. It is well worth reading.

She also has an excellent book on how to break up with a psychopath.


​

Fake charm (something about it does not seem genuine)

Talks about how his friends and anyone how knows him knows how honest he is … blah blah blah.

ETA:
Talks about how honest he is of course. Then, he will intentionally do something dishonest, tell you about it and then say he’s telling you, because he wanted to be upfront and honest. This is designed to make you trust him “more”.

​

Eager to get you tied down.

Wishy-washy about his views! Will change something he previously said to make it seem as though his views are in alignment with yours.

Some of these men frequently have double standards.

Frequently caught in lies, but when you call them on it, they will act as though they do not know what you are talking about OR will try to convince you they meant something else OR they will try to convince you that you misunderstood what he said OR if it is a cross-cultural relationship he will pull out the "language card" <- DO NOT FALL FOR THAT BS!!!!

It “appears” as though nothing bothers them. - http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/nothing-bothers-him-i-wish-i-were-more-like-him

Pay attention to their body language, especially their eyes and facial muscles. You can tell when they are trying to hold their anger back, but pretending to be cool, calm and collected. I have noticed that some of these men really have bad tempers, but do their best to conceal it.


ETC ......

NOTE: there is an excellent article that she wrote. If I can find it, I will be back in this thread to post it!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/when-friends-dont-get-it-about-him

 

[intellectualuva]

Fake nice guy is king of the situationships. Claims he wants to settle down, but it's a million excuses why he won't or can't (my favorite is no one wants to be with me) and he has a ton of other women around him that says otherwise.

He treats all of them well and they are all sitting around hoping to get chose, but he isn't going to chose any of them because playing the ignored and unwanted nice guy gets him waaaaaaayyyy more attention.

I wasted 3 years of my life on a guy still claiming hurt feelings over a relationship that's been over since college and we were almost in our 30s. Yuck. And I slowly learned many of his "friends" were also waiting with baited breath to get chose. Glad that's over.

 

[hot_pepper96]

-Passive aggressive
-Manipulative and very clever
-Sneaky
-Often very popular or well liked, not like in the say "star athlete on campus" way but bc people think he's agreeable/nice. So when he flips the script and u tell anyone about it, they won't believe u or will think it must be u bc he's "such a nice guy".
-Always has to state how nice of a guy he is and that's why girls don't like him. When in reality its bc he's untrustworthy and a whiny *****
-nothing is ever his fault. Nothing. Ever.
-has low self esteem and trust issues
-is really only nice to people to make them like him or to receive something in return bc he isn't confident enough w himself to think people will accept him just by being himself
-when things don't go his way all hell will break loose and the nice facade will quickly go away. And its all ur fault. Or his ex's fault. Or his mommas. Anybody but him.
-very judgemental esp towards women. And esp women who he perceives as "loose"
-always plays the victim and feeds on sympathy. All his exes were evil b*tches, he was picked on as a child, yada yada. He will draw u in and make u feel sorry for him
-sometimes has a very low number of sexual partners and he will tell u its bc of his high morals or respect for women. The real reason is bc his game is wack/he hasn't tried much bc he's afraid of rejection
-does not love himself and probably doesn't have a real understanding of what love is, so can never truly love anyone else either (until he works his issus out)




Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

Wow! I've seen all of this!