Experiences Dating/Marrying a Mentally Ill Person?

[Shinka]

I would also like to say just to give a change of perspective. One reason the insanity plea is accepted in our society is because the mentally ill are typically not aware of their behavior and actions. This is response to comments that are saying these men "think" they can wreck havoc in people's lives. The problem is if they are truly mentally ill, they are not thinking or rationally deciding to harm you.

Now some men with personality disorders or just control/ anger issues purposely plot to manipulate, abuse, and demean women. It may be sadist, but not mentally ill.

No one should accept any type of abuse in any shape way or form. But it may be helpful to release some of your pain if you hate the "illness or disorder" and not the person. The person is not purposely manipulating you. The person mood changes were not his/her fault. Bipolars naturally have a high rate of not following medical regimen due to the nature of bipolar itself. They often deny/refuse to seek treatment which is another nature of the illness.

Not making excuses for the men or others in your life that have caused harm due to a diagnosed or hypothesized mental illness. When u understand mental illness, you may find some compassion for the individual that is trapped behind these invisible bars, enslaved to their own mental monster. I think once you see they are as much a victim as your are, those of you who are emotionally pained from your experiences may be able to slowly heal from the trauma.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

*****I started typing this about 3 times, eventually deciding to spare you all the details. But honesty its very theraputic to talk about the experience. I am a different person due to my many years with this man. I always say I could write a story but I would take up a whole thread with the details. *****

I was married to a man who, during our marriage, was diagnosed as being bi-polar. I had a major red flags early on in our relationship but at the time I tried to be understanding due to the issue that lead up to his act. I was 18, in my first serious relationship and totally smitten with him. Alot of women in this thread spoke of how the physical traits attracted them to these men, and in my case it was no different.

For the first few years of dating I thought the problems we'd have were typical relationship issues. I will add that he was NEVER violent, nor abusive with his words or actions toward me. It was always to himself. Anytime I'd try to break things off with him, he'd threaten suicide. Of course I thought they were just "words" but I still had the "what ifs" in the back of my head. So I stayed because I truly wanted to be with him and loved him deeply. I couldn't possibly count the number of times he threatened to take his own life. :

In spite of it all, we married when I was was 20, he was 21. In 2001, I believe it was, he was transferred to Atlanta (he was in the military). Shortly after being there he told one of his supervisors in his department that he was going to kill himself. They took him to Kennestone Hospital and eventually he did a short stay at Peachford Hospital in Atlanta. I knew he had a rough upbringing (extremely rough) but he seemed to have "rose above" his past. That was not the case and due to them he had many nightmares & thoughts of killing himself constantly. Oh and of course he had to add that because I constantly wanted to leave him. Those reasons added to why he wanted to commit suicide

Anyway, at Peachford he was diagnosed as being bi-polar. After his stint there he stopped taking his meds because "they would mess up his sex drive". We had many more occurences of him threatening suicide, starting to drastically change his personality and being caught in lies. I eventually left him for good in August 2002 (18 days shy of our 3 year anniversay). He stated that if I ever wanted a divorce I'd have to be the one to get it. So after years (literally) of trying to track him down, serve him with papers and posting in the Atlanta Journal Constitution, I was able to finally divorce him.

We hadn't spoken for years until he called me, one month before I married my DH in 2007 (my cell number hadn't changed) and he professed his, still, undying love for me. He said "God revealed to him in a dream that he'd made so many mistakes in our marriage and he knew I was the woman for him". I informed him that it wasn't happening and that I was getting married in a month. He begged and begged until he finally got the message. Then proceeds to tell me that his baby mama (WHAT?!?!) hates me because I am the reason he can't commit to her. Oh and the fact that I left him when he was sick.

In a later phone call he reveals that he is now married to said woman, checked himself BACK into Peachford because he had a dream that he harmed his oldest child, now has a diagnosis of manic depressive/schizophrenic (sp?), and is now separated from his wife/baby mama. Oh and last I heard she was expecting their third child. OY VEY!!!! He is a complete and utter mess. He still communicates with my mom (there were always very close but she gives him NO info on me). He calls her to wish me Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, and the such. I think he is as crazy as a bed bug but I still feel so sorry for him. But I thank GOD that I am not the one who had any babies with him.

He's still in ATLANTA, probably terrorizing either his baby mama and/or some unsuspecting women. Ladies of the ATL please beware of a guy with the initial J.L.S He is a great guy until...........................

 

[Letta]

As someone with bipolar II disorder I can see how having a mate with a mental illness can be difficult. My father was mentally ill so I watched at a young age my parent's relationship eventually dissolve into an eventual divorce. I hate to read about these experiences but when someone has a SO and a mental illness and isn't taking their medication regularly, things like this are common. I know I put my SO through hell when I was still in my trial and error/insurance issue phase. I was never as bad as I've read or seen otherwise, but its still a horrible feeling knowing that you are unknowingly hurting someone by doing (or not doing) something because you are ill. My SO met me before I was diagnosed and it was a long road but since diagnosis its gotten slightly easier. I made it a point to buy him a book (i think its called "Loving someone with bipolar disorder") so that he could get a better idea of what the illness was about and have a reference for any clues when I could be going back and forth through episodes. It has helped significantly. Having a SO with a mental illness doesn't have to be a prison sentence. It just seems to be more work then a normal relationship and not everyone is cut out to handle that sort of extra responsibility. This goes for both the mentally ill and "normal" person in the relationship.

 

[Lenee925]

I did it once, never again. Sorry but I enjoy some form of stability in my life way too much.

 

[Enyo]

I totally agree with this. If you know you have a mental illness and are vigilant about being treated for it, and you stay on your meds, cool. The UNDIAGNOSED are the ones that I am weary of.

Not always. I have continued to have psychotic, violent, and suicidal episodes even though I am heavily medicated. My meds are always being adjusted, because of this meaning that sometimes I get worse (sucky cocktail) and sometimes I'm much better (good cocktail). Mental illness can often fluctuate depending on age. So it's not correct to assume that a diagnosed/medicated/therapy-going mentally ill person is going to be a lot better than someone who isn't.

As Heidi says, you're either in, or you're out. Most people cannot handle someone with a more serious illness. That's just the way it is. But I think the misconceptions and misunderstandings in this thread are rampant. Shinka has pointed many of them out, so I won't cover that again. But I'm both pained and unsurprised by this thread. It's like being a Black person passing for White in a room full of bigots. No offense to ya'll, but that's how I feel. I know I shouldn't be reading this mess, but I can't look away every time it's bumped. Judging by amount of hits and how proportional they are to the number of replies, I'd say people are coming to read these posts the same way you duck into a tent to see the bearded lady. Just so you all know, we're not a freak show.

I understand that people want to share their experiences, but it doesn't look like any actual knowledge is being shared or compassion/empathy being shown. And I'll say this to all the healthy people trashing their former partners with mental illness, they are probably stronger than you'll ever really understand. What we deal with on a daily basis can easily be described as hell. You think it had it bad while being around it. Try living it. It takes lots of effort just to stay alive. I openly admit I consider suicide at least once a month. Just keep that in mind before you want to blather on about how bad things were for you.

I just felt that needed to be said.

 

[StopMakingSense]

I have Bi Polar I with mixed episodes. I feel I am just as deserving of life and companionship as anyone else. I am proactive about my mental illness. I tell all individuals close to me up front. I go to therapy and certain classes. I have had bad reactions to a number of medications and now use homeopathic medicine and natural remedies. Getting enough sleep for one is something that makes the biggest world of difference.

It is understandable not to want to shoulder the responsibility of someone that is not vigilant and responsible for their own health, but I do not believe all people with mental illnesses should be discredited. We are like anyone else and should be taken, like anyone else, on a case by case basis.

I am lucky because my illness hardly impacts my everyday life in comparison to someone who could and needed to qualify for SSI. I am a SAHM, and a full-time student with a 4.0 average seeking a BA and then a Ph.D. I run a tight ship, so to speak. I doubt you'd have the slightest inkling that I am in any way mentally ill. This is just food for thought, because for every one of these horror stories there are people, like myself, that function as well as anyone else and that manages their symptoms and behaves appropriately.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

Not always. I have continued to have psychotic, violent, and suicidal episodes even though I am heavily medicated. My meds are always being adjusted, because of this meaning that sometimes I get worse (sucky cocktail) and sometimes I'm much better (good cocktail). Mental illness can often fluctuate depending on age. So it's not correct to assume that a diagnosed/medicated/therapy-going mentally ill person is going to be a lot better than someone who isn't.

As Heidi says, you're either in, or your out. Most people cannot handle someone with a more serious illness. That's just the way it is. But I think the misconceptions and misunderstandings in this thread are rampant. Shinka has pointed many of them out, so I won't cover that again. But I'm both pained and unsurprised by this thread. It's like being a Black person passing for White in a room full of bigots. No offense to ya'll, but that's how I feel. I know I shouldn't be reading this mess, but I can't look away every time it's bumped. Judging by amount of hits and how proportional they are to the number of replies, I'd say people are coming to read these posts the same way you duck into a tent to see the bearded lady. Just so you all know, we're not a freak show.

I understand that people want to share their experiences, but it doesn't look like any actual knowledge is being shared or compassion/empathy being shown. And I'll say this to all the healthy people trashing their former partners with mental illness, they are probably stronger than you'll ever really understand. What we deal with on a daily basis can easily be described as hell. You think it had it bad while being around it. Try living it. It takes lots of effort just to stay alive. I openly admit I consider suicide at least once a month. Just keep that in mind before you want to blather on about how bad things were for you.

I just felt that needed to be said.

I know you didn't direct this comment at anyone specific but I would just like to say that I would've considered my ex strong IF he were dealing with his issues properly. He had more opportunities than many being that he was in the miltary and they were paying for his treatment. HE chose not to take his meds due his own ignorance about the negative side effects on his sex life. That too me would not be considered attribute to a strong individual who's TRYING to deal with their diagnosis.

I do thank you very much for your post and I do believe its an everyday struggle for you. My prayers are with you and please know I do not mean to downplay the seriousness of your illness.

 

[Enyo]

I know you didn't direct this comment at anyone specific but I would just like to say that I would've considered my ex strong IF he were dealing with his issues properly. He had more opportunities than many being that he was in the miltary and they were paying for his treatment. HE chose not to take his meds due his own ignorance about the negative side effects on his sex life. That too me would not be considered attribute to a strong individual who's TRYING to deal with their diagnosis.

I'd be willing to bet my cat that was just a poor cover for the real reason. Men are much less likely to follow treatment plans due to the stigma of a male who is "weak" and needs mental medication. If he is man of color in the service, the likelihood goes down even further. This is where mental illness education comes into play. People will make any kind of excuse not to stick with their meds because of the fears that plague them. Some are totally legit, some are not. Men are the worst of the two sexes, but women can be pretty terrible too. Taking your meds, in a sense, suggests that you're are accepting that something is wrong with you. Many of us have the "if I do not acknowledge it, then it's not a problem". Juvenile, yes, but very common.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

I'd be willing to bet my cat that was just a poor cover for the real reason. Men are much less likely to follow treatment plans due to the stigma of a male who is "weak" and needs mental medication. If he is man of color in the service, the likelihood goes down even further. This is where mental illness education comes into play. People will make any kind of excuse not to stick with their meds because of the fears that plague them. Some are totally legit, some are not. Men are the worst of the two sexes, but women can be pretty terrible too. Taking your meds, in a sense, suggests that you're are accepting that something is wrong with you. Many of us have the "if I do not acknowledge it, then it's not a problem". Juvenile, yes, but very common.

Oh he definitely had fears about "what others thought of him". He was trying to get out of the military too so I believe he actually made his diagnosis known at work. He really just wanted to be in the military to get money for his education. He told my mom he finished his degree and is now applying to law school. I believe him as far as I can throw him. LOL

 

[ArrrBeee]

I don't think anyone should be condemned or applauded for their decision to be (or not) in a relationship with someone who suffers with mental illness. I think that it is a very personal decision (like adoption, abortion, etc.) and no judgment should be passed.

Each woman on this board has to live with her choices and dealbreakers.

 

[Enyo]

I don't think anyone should be condemned or applauded for their decision to be (or not) in a relationship with someone who suffers with mental illness. I think that it is a very personal decision (like adoption, abortion, etc.) and no judgment should be passed.

Each woman on this board has to live with her choices and dealbreakers.

We judge people all the time if you go by the dictionary definition. Still, if I see ignorance or misconceptions, I'm going to speak on it regardless of what the end result was. It's none of my concern who stayed and who ran. That was never the issue. But if you're going to rip people down without a shred of empathy or understanding then, yes, I'm going to dispute and dispel.

 

[StopMakingSense]

I don't think anyone should be condemned or applauded for their decision to be (or not) in a relationship with someone who suffers with mental illness. I think that it is a very personal decision (like adoption, abortion, etc.) and no judgment should be passed.

Each woman on this board has to live with her choices and dealbreakers.

Yes, but if an issue came up about adoption, abortion, or whatever else and there was a thread that painted those people in a bad light for the choices they have made/things out of their control erplexed erplexed yes I am going to interject and say something because the initial judgement has been passed. The tone of this thread was not neutral; neutrality seems a prerequisite to no judgement being passed IMO.

 

[Starronda]

My ex believed he was above taking medication. In fact, I don't think he believed he was sick at all.


are you my twin?? SAME SITUATION. After it was done and he went back to Missouri, mum said "A lot of prayer went into that. A LOT. I knew he wasn't for you."



Oh..my..God above. SAME BLOODY THING!

It was always the world against him. He would do things and would NEVER be in the wrong, it was someone else's fault. He touted himself to be so great and above others and said I was "perfect and ideal" for him since we were both on another plane of existence.

I tried to leave him over 11 times, even when he was here, and he'd bang on my door early as 2am "I love you, I'm sorry, let me in!" Had neighbors side eying me...then we'd get together and things were great. But the moment I showed any displeasure, "HOW COULD YOU?" as if I was to remain a painted happy doll with a permagrin and he could rant and rage against the world and the things "I" did to him. Then flip the script on me and show me the situation wasn't what I saw at ALL!

And he was cruel...very...very cruel, like he was calculated and knew exactly how to hurt and hurt DEEP. DEEP. Like a freaking surgical KNIFE deep.

However, when he was nice? It was AMAZING. AMAZING. Literally walk miles on foot back and forth just because so he could sit and catch me as soon as I got off work...and then massage MY feet...he was kind, INTELLIGENT, very, VERY handsome...but oh, he could flip out on you...

The last straw came after he went back home and I found out from talking to his brother that the entire history of their family he told me was a LIE. A THREE almost four year LIE...The brother couldn't believe when I told him he sat in church every time the door was open with me. He said "Yeah, that's the image of himself he sold to YOU. But when he's around our older brother (wanna be white gangster, speaks slang, smokes weed, steals) he acts like he likes hip hop music, that lifestyle. When he's around me, he's always in the car reaching for the country stations cause he knows that what me and my folk like...with you? The God and church situation."

I was FLOORED. That's not even the HALF of it, not even a QUARTER but for privacy, I won't list it here. I will state that he LIED about having LUNG CANCER after he went back. Lung freaking cancer...and considering he has a mediacal background was able to convincingly spout of the ins and outs of what the "doctor said" However, even then, holes in the story.

...things ended terribly and needless to say without saying, the engagement was OFF.

When he came back after finding me online, going on 3 weeks ago, he DID seem changed. 10 months had passed and I thought "Maybe it was immaturity vs a mental issue" since his brother had his own issues and had eventually tried to seduce me. MARRIED with 3 kids. He was sane, though. Anyway, it seemed he changed...but he'd dated 4 women after me. One befriended me wanting to know if he treated me the same as he treated her. The girl was almost INSANE after everything he put her through...she couldn't sleep, she was torn up inside...and she only dealt with him for 2.5 MONTHS.

And I don't know about you, but guys like that...the way they leave, comeback, twist, warp things...have you second guessing YOURSELF ("well maybe it wasn't REALLY like that") and you take them back...and it happens again, and then it's YOUR fault and then you leave and they cry and things are awesome until that dark side comes out.

It saw things from the outside in this girl and seeing that I didn't dream it up and I wasn't crazy and it wasn't "ME" but just "HIM" was validation ENOUGH. Things ended TERRIBLY after I wouldn't take him back (he tried for TWO WEEKS and silly me thought we could be "friends" and I could help him with his issues. Psh) and then he did the same old manipulative, twist things up on me, this is your fault, etc, etc thing.

I was too through. I got what God wanted me to see and whatever inside me that wasn't chipped out for him is GONE, thank you Jesus. I pray, my family prays for him...and the next girl he's with. The guy I'm building something on (I'm cautious, as you can imagine) is great and funny and loving...and understanding as well...but never again will I even let that man back into my life. Never. He needs HELP.

Everything you said hit home for me. I had a crazy ex that every time I broke up with him, he would would make me feel bad by saying he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he was coughing up blood all the time. He always made me feel like I was crazy and loosing my mind and in reality it was HIM. Everything was always good as long as I was there with him and agreed with him. The moment I disagreed with something, thats when hell broke loose. Alot of crazy things happen in our relationship (mostly most of what you said). The last straw for me was one night I was sleeping and I woke up out of my sleep because I felt like someone poked me with a needle or something sharp. I looked over and he was awake starring right at me (at 4am). I thought I was dreaming, but my instinct told me I wasn't and to get out of this crazy/mental relationship, and thats just what I did and never looked back.

 

[ArrrBeee]

We judge people all the time if you go by the dictionary definition. Still, if I see ignorance or misconceptions, I'm going to speak on it regardless of what the end result was. It's none of my concern who stayed and who ran. That was never the issue. But if you're going to rip people down without a shred of empathy or understanding then, yes, I'm going to dispute and dispel.

I think it is very informative that you choose to be honest and candid with your diagnosis. You have probably educated and dispelled false notions.

Yes, but if an issue came up about adoption, abortion, or whatever else and there was a thread that painted those people in a bad light for the choices they have made/things out of their control erplexed erplexed yes I am going to interject and say something because the initial judgement has been passed. The tone of this thread was not neutral; neutrality seems a prerequisite to no judgement being passed IMO.

My post was directed toward the right that everyone has the rights to select what they want in a partner. Alot of people in this thread spoke from personal experiences.

 

[StopMakingSense]

Makes sense; mine was directed at the blanket statements and implications of being in a relationship with a mentally ill person, ie 'Sorry I need stability' or not everyone is incapable of stability just because they have a mental illness.