Dating while living home with parets.. what are your experiences, advice,etc

[caribeandiva]

sweetvi I could tell your friend was Haitian by the description alone . I used to sneak out to go on dates or clubbing with my friends. My Haitian parents are extremely overbearing, controlling, manipulative, selfish, and old school. Till this day they've never met any of the guys I've dated. Living with them was hell for me and my siblings. I'm the only one that never brought men over. My siblings didn't care and had theirs there sometimes. I moved out when I was 25. My mom is still trying to get us to move back in. She's tried everything from guilt trips, pleading, and fear tactics to get me to move back in. I'd rather live in my car than go back there. I was so stressed out living there that I had no time or energy or money to focus on finding a boyfriend. My parents made it seem like getting a boyfriend was the worse thing I could possibly do. That it'll make me look easy, you know? I'm still struggling to overcome their brainwashing. Tell your friend she needs to get the hell out, if she wants to have the peace of my mind she needs to attract the right man.

 

[sweetvi]

caribeandiva

You just described my friend's life and others I know to a tee. Mind you, my friend is educated ,beautiful Nd has traveled. She is what you would call the 'good girl'. However, for some reason she can't shake living at home. It is like she has a trance on her. I strongly believe that her relationship ended because ge got tired of her rushing to go home . Now in the beginning of dating, you don't want to seem to eager so it was a good thing but I think it fails to deepen the connection after a while. Unless the guy understands, dating will not be successful IMO.

As a matter of fact, most of my Haitian friends who have moved out, are now married lol

Now that you.moved away, how has dating been for you

 

[sweetvi]

caribeandiva

Selfish is putting it mildly! However I noticed something and tell me if I'm wrong. The less educated they are, the more of that mentality? My Aunt is college educated and liberal. All of her kids had relationship s, traveled Nd pretty much free reign. They are all happily married.


However, my other Aunt who was strict and controlling has all of her kids ( including sons) home, unhappy and not married Smh

 

[claudzie]

I am currently dating and living at home. Can't bring him over because I know the lecture I will get. African households can be something else sometimes. Luckily he has his own place so we are good

 

[gabulldawg]

Re: Dating while living with parents or in their home..what are your exp.,advice,etc?

I know times has changed with the recession and even with college educated folks who can't find employment for long periods of time. As a result, many people are forced to return home, especially in their 30's to 40's. In my culture, it is normal to have the women and sometimes men to stay in the home until marriage .

I am against this for several reasons: some parents can become involved and wont respect.your boundaries.

True story: a friend went out with her boyfriend and decided to return home at a reasonable time (midnight) out of respect for her parents. Her mother chased her with a stick, hit her and said she was embarrassing her reputation. ohwell:She was so hurt and shocked and everyone (fam) encouraged her to move out. She was 25 ,educated with a successful career at the time. She is now in her early 30's, still at home and depressed that she is not yet mArried.

There is no reason for her to not be able to move out except culturally she has been conditioned to remain at home until marriage. Smh. (They are Haitian). She says she will feel guilty if she leaves. Her parents are perfectly healthy.

What are your thoughts on that? Can you have a successful relationship while living with parents? Will the guy take advantage of the situation or run away? I personally believe if you are dating someone, you need to see him in all settings and situations. Living with parents makes it difficult..

Hmmm I was in a similar situation when I was dating DH. I was living with my aunt at the time because I was broke and in graduate school. My aunt respected me and only had minor rules that I was expected to follow. For example, she wanted me to let her know if I wasn't coming home at night so she wouldn't expect me. She also didn't allow DH to spend the night. DH spent a good bit of time with me at my aunt's house. I think I even cooked for him once. It wasn't really as hard as it sounds, but maybe it was because my aunt respected me as an adult. If your parent still treats you like a child then you will probably have a hard time dating.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I've moved back just under a year ago. I am way more self assured as an adult then I was before I moved out, so the "noise" I hear from my Haitian parents doesn't bother me. I know they mean well, but if I want to go out and stay out late, I will. I've come home at 4am a couple of times b/c the parties I attended were awesome and I didn't want to leave. Did I get hell for it, yes but I don't care anymore. Moving back is temporary until I relocate out of my city and/or get a new job that pays more in my current city until i can relocate.

As for dating, until I sense that you are marriage material, you don't exist to my parents. My last relationship was when I lived by myself. I'm not sure how to navigate now, but I'm hoping that a higher paying job can make immediate changes to this issue lol.

 

[Arian]

I struggle now because I refuse to move back home. I see how my grandmother treats my uncles, and I am not up for that at all.

 

[caribeandiva]

caribeandiva

Selfish is putting it mildly! However I noticed something and tell me if I'm wrong. The less educated they are, the more of that mentality? My Aunt is college educated and liberal. All of her kids had relationship s, traveled Nd pretty much free reign. They are all happily married.


However, my other Aunt who was strict and controlling has all of her kids ( including sons) home, unhappy and not married Smh

sweetvi i think you're right about that. Both of my parents have GEDs and a 6 months technical degree but no college. My Haitian friends had the same problems with their parents too. Now that I think about it, the Haitian parents I know who are cool, and laid back with their kids are all college educated or higher. That makes sense.

 

[caribeandiva]

caribeandiva

You just described my friend's life and others I know to a tee. Mind you, my friend is educated ,beautiful Nd has traveled. She is what you would call the 'good girl'. However, for some reason she can't shake living at home. It is like she has a trance on her. I strongly believe that her relationship ended because ge got tired of her rushing to go home . Now in the beginning of dating, you don't want to seem to eager so it was a good thing but I think it fails to deepen the connection after a while. Unless the guy understands, dating will not be successful IMO.

As a matter of fact, most of my Haitian friends who have moved out, are now married lol

Now that you.moved away, how has dating been for you

sweetvi My dating life has exploded since I moved out. It became much easier to date fully, stay out as late as I want, bringing my dates home to meet my sister (we share an apartment), discussing my dating life OUT LOUD and dating several guys at the same time . To be fair my parents have never pressured me to find a man and get married. They know I would side eye them so hard if they tried. After all, they spent years brainwashing me about the evils of relationships, how guys my age only wanna use me for sex, how guys distract you from your goals, etc... My sister never listened to that mess but I did it because I wanted to be the "good girl". I wanted them to love me because the only time i felt loved and accepted by them is when I was compliant.

In fact when my sister and I moved out, they told everyone we were abandoning them, and that we were leaving so we could sleep with guys. oh yes they did. I moved out to save my sanity. I was so depressed and desperate for peace of mind that I didn't care about not having a car or a full time job (i had 2 part time jobs). I just wanted out. It was bad! Honestly, I went to therapy for a while after that. I needed to heal from the verbal, emotional and financial abuse i lived through.

 

[sweetvi]

@sweetvi My dating life has exploded since I moved out. It became much easier to date fully, stay out as late as I want, bringing my dates home to meet my sister (we share an apartment), discussing my dating life OUT LOUD and dating several guys at the same time . To be fair my parents have never pressured me to find a man and get married. They know I would side eye them so hard if they tried. After all, they spent years brainwashing me about the evils of relationships, how guys my age only wanna use me for sex, how guys distract you from your goals, etc... My sister never listened to that mess but I did it because I wanted to be the "good girl". I wanted them to love me because the only time i felt loved and accepted by them is when I was compliant.

In fact when my sister and I moved out, they told everyone we were abandoning them, and that we were leaving so we could sleep with guys. oh yes they did. I moved out to save my sanity. I was so depressed and desperate for peace of mind that I didn't care about not having a car or a full time job (i had 2 part time jobs). I just wanted out. It was bad! Honestly, I went to therapy for a while after that. I needed to heal from the verbal, emotional and financial abuse i lived through.

caribeandiva

sorry you went through that. One thing I love about my parents are they insist on me saving money. I got lucky in that aspect. I could imagine my mom saying I want to move out so I can have liberty to be loose lol but she would do it in a subtle way. im glad you took therapy and you have forgiven them, they only know so much ! lol

 

[CaraWalker]

a lot of the responses in here are talking about the parent reaction, it looks like. my primary concern was the distance. my family lives in the suburbs, so it was a huge issue if i wanted to go out, especially since i wasnt driving then. i had to go make girlfriends who would drive to the club i made so much effort to go out back then that i would NEVER make now. if i were in that situation now, which was basically stranded in the suburbs, i would stay my *** at home. i dont know how the hell i managed to keep my life poppin' back then, like, damn, when i have a goal i find a way to get that **** done

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

The relationship probably would not blossom to its best if living with parents. When I returned home from college breaks I had a difficult time deciding what to do with my then long term bf. I decided to have never have sleepovers and not to come home late after a date (after say 9pm=I can't remember lol). He had his own place but when visiting his family it was difficult/strange to share a room at his parent's home. Our families considered us to be a part of their family so I know it would have probably worked but I just like my independence. Now that I work and have my own place, in my mind, I would be going backwards if I were to date and live with my parents.

As for her feeling depressed by she is in her 30's and not married, I don't understand. If she wants to get married then make it happen. It's not about just thinking and hoping.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

sweetvi i think you're right about that. Both of my parents have GEDs and a 6 months technical degree but no college. My Haitian friends had the same problems with their parents too. Now that I think about it, the Haitian parents I know who are cool, and laid back with their kids are all college educated or higher. That makes sense.

My parents must have missed the "How to Raise 1st Generation Haitian American Children 101" in college

 

[Nayna]

I do think my relationship has been more difficult to maintain since I am home. I knew him when I had my own apartment so when I compare that to now it's different. I feel like I saw him more. Plus now I have to do most of the driving when before he would do it. If I didn't have a car I'm not sure this would work.

 

[girlonfire]

So we've got experiences covered...how about some advice?

 

[caribeandiva]

So we've got experiences covered...how about some advice?

girlonfire Move out as soon as possible.

 

[girlonfire]

so who wants to give me a non minimum wage job so I can move out?? preferably $70,000 a year with benefits. Anyone? No? K

 

[CaraWalker]

so who wants to give me a non minimum wage job so I can move out?? preferably $70,000 a year with benefits. Anyone? No? K

yep. thats basically the only advice there is to give if you can make it work transportation and time wise the only way to improve is to move out.

 

[LaBelleLL]

So we've got experiences covered...how about some advice?

Don't get caught up in their craziness. Ignore wherever possible. Really. It works like a charm.

 

[Jewell]

I understand what OP's friend is going through. After living in another state for over 7 years, away from parents and family, I recently relocated back to my home state and I did so 10 days before Christmas. Therefore, to avoid having to move twice before Christmas, I decided to briefly stay at my parent's house. It has always been an oppressive, stifling, stuffy religious household. I absolutely hated living here when i was in my 20's.

It was terribly difficult to date or have any privacy. Plus, my mother has run off a few good men who wanted to marry me just by being an arse dipping in business and running her mouth, being like static in my ear (being a distraction in a bad way). After all that, I stopped even mentioning dates unless we became a long-term serious couple. Even then, I had to constantly remind family I am GROWN.

For pete's sake I couldnt even take birth control pills in my late teens/early 20's without my mother snooping through my **** and giving a lecture about it. I got the hell out at age 23.

Needless to say, though this has been very brief (less than 3 mos), I will be out this piece within the month. Cant take it. Im 31, my SO is 32 and we do grown folks things. It just isnt possible as often with me iving in their house and him living about 1 hour away.


I mean, we make things happen but I am too grown, and too much of a free spirit/liberal/progressive for this ****. Now that I have relocated, i am literally looking to move like yesterday...matter of fact, I have property viewing appts tomorrow; and Im so serious when I say that I would be driven crazy if I ever had to live here long-term...not only that, I would likely have died childless, a virgin and unmarried had I never put nearly 300 miles in between me and these family dynamics. Whew chile. SMH

This is gonna be the Mr., so I will be damned if i let some oppressive, controlling people in my family ruin our happiness and crush our free spirits.

P.S. Im not Haitian but my mom's side is full of Gullah people and my great aunts and grandmothers did not play when it came to men.

My advice: any woman (or man) who values their dating/social life and/or relationships should absolutely move out if they have meddling, selfish, jealous, controlling parents or siblings in the home in which they reside. I had to let n ex go cuz his mama competed with me and thought her son was equivalent to her husband, who i might add, has been dead 9 years.

And the sister had a husband but still was jealous of us. I gave up, told them they could have him; as he would not set boundaries and insist they respect me, and now i am happy i did because i was miserable trying to fight some old bitter *** biddies for a half a man. A real, whole one found me very quickly after, so i am very grateful for that life lesson. It taught me a lot about people, especially hating women.

 

[sweetvi]

Jewell


What do you mean did not play when it came to men?

 

[aviddiva77]

so who wants to give me a non minimum wage job so I can move out?? preferably $70,000 a year with benefits. Anyone? No? K

This is literally the only thing stopping me from moving out. I don't have a job where i can live independently even with a roommate. I

used to feel so guilty about leaving my mom alone but it's too much. She is ALWAYS HERE. And asking questions. I pay my half just like she does. I went to the casino with some coworkers after work and didn't tell her and she gave me the silent treatment!

My brother came over for a suprise visit and saw my birth control and had a fit and ranted to my mom about it. "Why didn't she tell me? Why is she on them etc."

Question: how do you do sexy time? Get a hotel? Try to time it when your parents are out? The car?

 

[Jewell]

Jewell


What do you mean did not play when it came to men?

I mean they were hard on men, lol. And single. My great aunt took a rake and beat my grandpa all the way home from the juke joint up the road cuz he was out drinking corn liquor/moonshine and dancing late at night while my grandma was at home with a newborn and another child. They were newlyweds, and great aunt was furious her sister was home with a baby and he was out "shuckin' and jivin'." They would all cut a dude quick lol

When i say beat, i mean she hit him in the head with the rake. And this was in the early 50's, so that wasnt a plastic rake. She meant every swing of that beating. But as far as i know, he never left grandma home like that to party again. My mom told me and she was laughing so hard tears were coming down her face

 

[MzLady78]

I mean they were hard on men, lol. And single. My great aunt took a rake and beat my grandpa all the way home from the juke joint up the road cuz he was out drinking corn liquor/moonshine and dancing late at night while my grandma was at home with a newborn and another child. They were newlyweds, and great aunt was furious her sister was home with a baby and he was out "shuckin' and jivin'." They would all cut a dude quick lol

I totally just pictured all of this in my head!

 

[Jewell]

This is literally the only thing stopping me from moving out. I don't have a job where i can live independently even with a roommate. I

used to feel so guilty about leaving my mom alone but it's too much. She is ALWAYS HERE. And asking questions. I pay my half just like she does. I went to the casino with some coworkers after work and didn't tell her and she gave me the silent treatment!

My brother came over for a suprise visit and saw my birth control and had a fit and ranted to my mom about it. "Why didn't she tell me? Why is she on them etc."

Question: how do you do sexy time? Get a hotel? Try to time it when your parents are out? The car?

TBH, we mostly do hotels but have done all the above. Shoot this is a temporary situation (as i where im living...at family's house), but we grown, and we are going to have fun. I dont care who is a sour puss about it. I respect my parents and their house, but i will just say SO and I are discreet. Neither of us will be denied, lol so we find ways...

 

[Jewell]

I totally just pictured all of this in my head!

Ps. Lol i hollered when my mom told me this, because i had heard about great aunt Carrie, though she died before I was born. Aunt Carrie had some kind of temper and a strong Gullah/Geechee dialect with which she spoke. She carried a blade or a pistol at all times. But she did live to be 108, so i guess cussin, fussin, "livin' high off the hog," and drinking Schlitz all her adult life didnt hurt

Her mom, great-grandma Hermenia was a piece of work too; strong as an ox and didnt take no mess. I often wish I had a spy glass to look back into their lives.

 

[Evolving78]

I totally just pictured all of this in my head!

I can't get past the corn liquor! Lmbo was his name jesse? Lol

 

[Jewell]

I can't get past the corn liquor! Lmbo was his name jesse? Lol

Yes lawd this was in coastal South Carolina. Corn and palm liquor still abound to this day, lol. No, his name was Al, short for Alder (like the tree). You had me rolling when you asked

 

[caribeandiva]

I mean they were hard on men, lol. And single... They would all cut a dude quick lol

Jewell I cut dudes out quick too. Maybe that's why I'm still single.