EQUALITY IN EVERYTHING?!?!?!?

[CarLiTa]

Sigh.
So this male friend wrote a note on facebook complaining about "the chase."

He is saying that if a woman doesn't think that HE is worth chasing after, then he has no business chasing after HER

ANYWAY
Then a girl replied saying that women think they should be won over and that they expect men to do their part in the chasing [UM, DUH!] but she then added, that IT'S NOT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE...

so I had replied saying that if a guy initiates interest in a woman, and she is interested, then she should give him some indication that she is interested, then he can know that he can continue to pursue. That's just my opinion. From then on, once interest has been confirmed on both sides, then it can be a 50-50 thing or whatever.

Apparently some of the males who replied think that if a woman is acting "cool", then is she just TRYING to look smart about the whole thing.

I can't believe these dudes think they should be chased... the girl thinks there should be equality in everything. I assume she means paying for dates too!

it's so funny, because I used to think like that... but thank goodness for LHCF. I learned that if you are trying to let a man think you can do everything, then, SOME just might LET you do EVERYTHING, and then come the complaints about him not reciprocating enough, etc.
Yup, I also learned that through experience, sure enough.

Seems like some men want to forgo their roles!
Sigh. What do you all think? What do you think about this "equality" business in dating?

I'll give my answer... yes this is the 21st century, and I can make my own money, blah blah, am independent (or somewhat), but you STILL need to be calling, you STILL need to be paying for dates.

 

[Ms Red]

My opinion is kind of traditional- I, personally, would not chase a guy. It can determine the type of man you attract, IMO. (i.e. those who like to have the ground they're standing on worshipped ) This is my experience, at least.

Moreso that gender roles, I just wholeheartedly believe that although men like for you to show them affection and appreciation, they still should be the ones to approach/chase you, pay for dates, open the car door, pull out your chair, hand over his jacket on a cool night. It sets the standard for your relationship down the line.

 

[CarLiTa]

tell it cupcake

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I am a combination of old fashioned, new school..... I don't chase men!!!!! I might start the conversation (if I am online) but if he is interested then he has to ask for the number, etc. I don't continiously call people, I return a call once if they call me and I miss it. They initiate the first date and they pay. However, once we are together, deem ourselves a couple, its 50/50 to me then. If I suggest we do something then more than likely I am paying for it. If we are sitting around shooting the breeze and something comes up for us to do if I don't have any funds, I'll say that. My husband never experienced that with girls that he was dating. They always expected him to pay. My thought is how am I going to run your pockets. How am I going to make plans and then have you pay? That never made sense to me. Girls talking about lets go to the movies and dinner and then don't have no dang on money. My momma alway told me, at least have money to cover yourself.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

My opinion is kind of traditional- I, personally, would not chase a guy. It can determine the type of man you attract, IMO. (i.e. those who like to have the ground they're standing on worshipped ) This is my experience, at least.

Moreso that gender roles, I just wholeheartedly believe that although men like for you to show them affection and appreciation, they still should be the ones to approach/chase you, pay for dates, open the car door, pull out your chair, hand over his jacket on a cool night. It sets the standard for your relationship down the line.

Ditto, I will give as much to the relationship as he will, but in different ways. I probably won't chase you or pay for our meals, but I may cook for you or care for you in other ways, etc.

I don't see a problem with wanting equality on either sides though...but don't try to say you want equality when you really want the other party to do everything (i.e. a man who wants a woman to pay for half of dates, but won't help with housework later in the relationship...or a woman who wants equal partnership in household duties, but wants the man to pay for all the dates)

 

[naijaGal]

I wouldn't call myself a core traditionalist. However, I have a rule. On a first date if I offer to pay the bill and the guy doesn't say I shouldn't or at the very least insist on paying half that's the last time we'll be out together.

Girls, freeloading is not a trait we want to encourage. As for chasing, I expect the guy to make the first move and if interested I'll reciprocate. I may wink at him to let him know it's ok to chase me but I want to be wooed. How else does he appreciate something if he hasn't had to work 'HARD' for it

 

[CarLiTa]

I wouldn't call myself a core traditionalist. However, I have a rule. On a first date if I offer to pay the bill and the guy doesn't say I shouldn't or at the very least insist on paying half that's the last time we'll be out together.

Girls, freeloading is not a trait we want to encourage. As for chasing, I expect the guy to make the first move and if interested I'll reciprocate. I may wink at him to let him know it's ok to chase me but I want to be wooed. How else does he appreciate something if he hasn't had to work 'HARD' for it

ITA with everything you said.

 

[asubeauty]

I wouldn't call myself a core traditionalist. However, I have a rule. On a first date if I offer to pay the bill and the guy doesn't say I shouldn't or at the very least insist on paying half that's the last time we'll be out together.

Girls, freeloading is not a trait we want to encourage. As for chasing, I expect the guy to make the first move and if interested I'll reciprocate. I may wink at him to let him know it's ok to chase me but I want to be wooed. How else does he appreciate something if he hasn't had to work 'HARD' for it

I totally agree.

 

[caribeandiva]

Sigh.
So this male friend wrote a note on facebook complaining about "the chase."

He is saying that if a woman doesn't think that HE is worth chasing after, then he has no business chasing after HER

this dude obviously hasn't met a woman he really likes because then he wouldn't even notice the chase. He'd be pursuing her without a second thought.

I used to be part of the 50-50 school of thought too until i found out from experience that it doesn't work. Guys need a challenge. If you let them win too easily they'll take you and the relationship for granted. So let them do most of the work in the beginning. You can reciprocate later.

I repeat: Guys who want you to chase them aren't interested in you. If they were they'd be chasing you! you can't make a guy like you if they don't. So save your time and energy and hold out for the guy who likes you enough to work at it.

 

[caribeandiva]

I wouldn't call myself a core traditionalist. However, I have a rule. On a first date if I offer to pay the bill and the guy doesn't say I shouldn't or at the very least insist on paying half that's the last time we'll be out together.

Girls, freeloading is not a trait we want to encourage. As for chasing, I expect the guy to make the first move and if interested I'll reciprocate. I may wink at him to let him know it's ok to chase me but I want to be wooed. How else does he appreciate something if he hasn't had to work 'HARD' for it

EXACTLY! that's all i'm saying.

 

[klb120475]

Nope...you won't find me chasing a man..

 

[caribeandiva]

Nope...you won't find me chasing a man..

That's my girl!

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I definitely would not chase after a man. ITA with Cupcake and the other ladies. There are different ways you show you care adn are interested. I'll cook for a guy I like maybe even clean a room, but I expect those actions to be reciprocated in one way or another. It would be really out of character for me to be the main one calling a guy, unless m schedule was crazy and I had to be. You want to feel wanted, so if I don't feel wanted I won't continue to pursue. I say this now, but I'm sure if the right guy came along, and I felt like it was equal, even if it was just in my mind, I would be all extra, but everybody plays the fool

 

[cocoberry10]

My opinion is kind of traditional- I, personally, would not chase a guy. It can determine the type of man you attract, IMO. (i.e. those who like to have the ground they're standing on worshipped ) This is my experience, at least.

Moreso that gender roles, I just wholeheartedly believe that although men like for you to show them affection and appreciation, they still should be the ones to approach/chase you, pay for dates, open the car door, pull out your chair, hand over his jacket on a cool night. It sets the standard for your relationship down the line.

I am an old fashioned girl. I don’t approach men—period. Luckily, I get approached by guys. And women can make the first move, in a subtle way (glance his way, really quick, or just be having a good time, it makes him want to know you). I do think if you are interested you don’t have to be terribly mean, but I think men really do like the chase. It’s in their nature. Look at the way men go after their dreams (i.e. college, grad school, a career, starting a business, a profession, trying to get that rap deal, trying to be the next Kobe Bryant, whatever). This is the same energy most men used to put into getting a woman. Then the feminist movement happened. Now, I’m not blaming the feminist movement at all, b/c it happened for a reason. And the movement is NOT the problem, it’s the after-effects. See, the feminist movement was designed to create a more even playing field. For example, if a woman was being physically abused by her husband in the 1920’s, it was very unlikely that she could leave. She probably did not work, she may not have been educated. She probably had children and “what would the neighbors say?” However, like all good things, the pendulum has swung waaaaaaaaay too far to the other extreme. Now, some women think they should do all the work. What does this leave for men to do? I believe that men have to chase women. I see relationships with equal love, respect and admiration. In fact, without it I don’t think you can have a good relationship. But these men should think they’ve gotten a prize when they are with a woman. But that’s not the way things are anymore (and I’m still young too—only in my 20’s, so I know it sucks to be in this generation).

 

[SEMO]

ITA with cocoberry10 . Like other women said, if a man won't pursue you that means he's really not that into you. I understand that some men are shy, but if you think I'm worth it then build your courage up and make the first move.

Also, as far as paying for dates, I think that a man who resents having to pay for everything (esp. in the beginning of the relationship) is a sign of how he'll be when married. I think men should be providers for their families (not that I plan on not working) and that being unwilling to wine and dine a woman shows something about his mentality and how he will treat her later on. I want someone who has a generous giving spirit.

Men don't change that much. I think that if he won't romance me while dating what makes me think he'll do that once married. Now don't get me wrong, I want to romance him too. But like it was mentioned in another thread in the OT forum, I think that some of the most successful marriages are the ones where the man is crazy about the women (even moreso than she is about him) and willing to do a lot to please her b/c he considers her a treasure to him. That's the kind of man I want .