Don't even know how to feel.

shespoison

shespoison

Well-Known Member
***Vent

I have had a male best friend for almost 15 years. It started out as a middle school crush but we didnt date until my senior year of high school. He was my prom date bla bla bla. We dated off and on for maybe a year but we both ended up in serious relationships with other people and have been friends ever since. We are so close my sisters call him their brother. We slept over each others houses and all the other things you do with a really close friend.

Last year, when I broke up with my ex he said something that made me ask "are you in love with me?" his response was "maybe". But honestly I kind of knew by the way he treated me and did things for me not even my family would. Last month I ended up sleeping at his house because I was in my hometown for a funeral. I was supposed to sleep at my friend "Dee's" house but she didnt pick up when I called.


As we were laying down he held me for a sec and I squirmed away because it was awkward because by now, I see him like a brother. He tells me that he would not even try to date me now, he would wit until all his sh*t was together because he could never have a casual relationship with me. It would be a prelude to marriage and he would have to provide for me. I just listened as I always do when he is saying things I cant reciprocate.


So I went on vacation out of the country for 2 weeks and on the last day i find out he is dating one of my best girl friends. It pissed me off and I am not entirely sure why. I want to be happy for them but it is just soooooo awkward for me. And when he is telling me how it started he had the ****** nerve to say hanging out with her is like hanging out with me:perplexed

I told Dee it pissed me off and she claims she didnt remember that we dated, even though she went to prom WITH us and I spent my teenage years talking about him. She claims that I dint tell her about his recent attempts to talk to me. But I am pretty sure I mentioned it. Whenever I visited her in my hometown it would be him that came and picked me up to take me out to eat and drop me back off.

I sent him a text saying that it was awkward and why would he say all those things to me and then date my close friend. He didnt respond to me until she confronted him. And then denied saying all the things he said. I just hung up on him because I was in disbelief. It is hard to explain the closeness we have had all these years but for him to lie about sh*t he said 2 days ago just pissed me off. It feels like he tried to replace me with my friend who he perceives is just like me. It feels disgusting.

There is so much more to this story that makes it even more twisted but I will stop there.
 
So... you're upset because you like him.

Either tell him how you feel or let him date who he wants to date.

I get you though :bighug:
 
mzpurp yes!

LiftedUp I dont like him that way at all. I told them both how I feel. They are (were) 2 of my closest friends. I dont care who he dates but I think that him dating one of my friends that he knows through me is messy and awkward. Is she gonna come to my house and talk about him to me when she knows that he has been trying to get with me for years?
 
mzpurp said:
Well, what the hell!

How did they connect so quickly??

This is strange!
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Well they know about each other through me and I have events often that they both come to. So they have known of each other for 12 years. They connected recently because I gave Dee his number because she needed work done in her can and there goes that.
 
So... y'all been dancing around this for 15 years... :look: If you say you don't want him, you should MYOB, he just wants a replacement so it probably won't last long.
 
I guess I'd side eye the friend of saying she "forgot" about the history between you and the guy.

And I'd side eye him for going after your friend (in what seems like) just a few days after coming on to you.
 
Hmm,

Does he ever talk to your siblings about you?

*Let me add, your friend is dead wrong and she's lying.
 
beauty2u you think him dating my friend and talking about loving me is none of my business? Thats fine.

I have not been dancing. I love him like family. I knew he liked me mostly because everyone around us said it constantly. I am not confused about him at all. But I am talking about 2 life long friends of mine. And I wish I didnt care but I just feels wrong.
 
keyawarren said:
Hmm,

Does he ever talk to your siblings about you?

*Let me add, your friend is dead wrong and she's lying.
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No he doesnt talk to my siblings about me. Well nothing other than general things. He doesnt consider many people friends. He basically has always told me that I am his only true friend and I think his "love" for me is based on my consistency and loyalty when he has been burned by people through the years.

Dee is a very upfront, good and honest person. I want to believe her and I half way do because she is direct and I think she would have at least asked.
 
I don't think you'd care unless you had some kind of feelings for him. I know you are not related, but I don't get jealous of my "brother's" girlfriends.

shespoison
pm'ed you
 
If you don't like him like that, I don't think you should be upset. You only love him like family. Maybe he wanted to try telling you his feelings one more time just to give it one shot and see if you would have a change of heart. If you'll never be with him, why not date your friend?
 
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You dated for a short period in high school though. Unless high school wasn't that far away I don't see the issue.

Now if this is an ex from your adulthood I could see the girlfriend allegiance kicking in if you were in a relationship while you were friends with that person.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and figure out the true source of your feelings and deal with it from there.

I felt a twinge of jealousy when one of my 'admirers' got into a serious relationship. But I know for a fact that I don't want him so it doesn't mean that he shouldn't find happiness elsewhere.
 
Why don't you like him in that way?

I just get the idea that while you say don't have feelings for him (or are unsure), you were hoping he would just wait around until you reciprocated.

What would you like to happen now? Them not to date? Are you afraid of the awkwardness if the relationship doesn't work out
 
You just need to get over it. And I don't usually say that to people. That awkward feeling you're experiencing is jealously.

It sounds like though you may not have reciprocated his feelings, you liked being the center of his attention and now he is focused on someone close to you that will be receiving that attention rather than you. And your ego doesn't like that. Yeah, he is shady for lying about stuff and yeah, there is the possibility that she is lying also but look...if you not feeling him like that then its none of your business. They can date each other. Just don't fall back into that "sister/brother" mode with him anymore because it was an illusion from the start. (I rarely believe opposite sex people can be close friends without someone catching feelings).
 
Yeah, I agree with the others...yes it's weird that he's dating your friend after he's pursued you for so long, and yes it's annoyinv that everyone is denying what occurred between you two...

...but you didn't confirm that you liked him back when he brought up the opportunity, and you're still saying you're not interested. So why can't he date your friend? He doesn't belong to you, you can't put him on a shelf to wait for you while you sort out your feelings. He doesn't owe you his loyalty or commitment just because you've known each other for so long or dated back in high school. where is the possessive mindset coming from? You aren't entitled to him, especially if you don't actually like him like that, so you might have to let this one go. Sounds like an ego issue.
 
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CoilyFields said:
You just need to get over it. And I don't usually say that to people. That awkward feeling you're experiencing is jealously.

It sounds like though you may not have reciprocated his feelings, you liked being the center of his attention and now he is focused on someone close to you that will be receiving that attention rather than you. And your ego doesn't like that. Yeah, he is shady for lying about stuff and yeah, there is the possibility that she is lying also but look...if you not feeling him like that then its none of your business. They can date each other. Just don't fall back into that "sister/brother" mode with him anymore because it was an illusion from the start. (I rarely believe opposite sex people can be close friends without someone catching feelings).
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You may be right. I am jealous. But its because I cant be friends with either one of them and I am jealous they chose each other over me. How can my friend come and tell me about her "man" and what he is doing for her when he already has done it for me and more. I dont know how I would continue a friendship with them in that way. He was with this one girl for 4 years awhile back. And HE told me that she didnt like me because she knew HE liked me more :look: ummm. How would that work when you are dating my friend.


Why my friend? I don't even feel like i am right logically but it feels wrong to me. They can date and I wont care but I know that I couldnt not be apart of that at all. Especially when he compares us. His attraction, based on our conversation is because "Its almost like when I'm with you". :sad:
 
So I shouldn't be upset that I am losing friends? Its not awkward? I don't care if he dated someone who I knew or even if it was a cousin that I wasnt close with. BUT I have slept in the bed with both of these people recently. This is 30 years worth of friendship.

Now when he greets me he cant pick me up and spin me around and kiss me on the cheek? We cant buy each other gifts? We cant watch tv in my room?

My issue is that I dont know how to relate to them in this context. And it just hurts.
 
TayMac said:
Why don't you like him in that way?

I just get the idea that while you say don't have feelings for him (or are unsure), you were hoping he would just wait around until you reciprocated.

What would you like to happen now? Them not to date? Are you afraid of the awkwardness if the relationship doesn't work out
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I dont like him that way because I am not sexually attracted to him (anymore). I would love for him to be in a relationship and be happy but not with my close friend. Honestly, he lied about all the things he said so as far as I am concerned he is already a loss. She can be with him but I would not be around for that. We had one of those Dawson creek type sh*t and all the things we have been through together good and bad made him the closest person too me and I feel violated.


Also, he once dated my roommate but it didnt work out because all they talked about was me and it got weird. But he felt the need to ask me because he felt is was wrong without my consent all of a sudden thats out the window. I found out from her but they told me conflicting stories.
 
@shespoison

Oh wow....sorry to hear about what you're going through. :hug2: That DOES sound like an awkward situation to be in. Imo I'm thinking it's more so awkward because he was JUST confessing his feelings to you a few days ago, and then after 2 weeks he then jumps to your best friend. :perplexed That can probably make you feel like you were easily replaceable, or not that special. That's not a good feeling. :ohwell:

With THAT SAID......

I think that you REALLY REALLY need to take a good hard look at your relationship with him over the years, and really delve DEEP into your TRUE feelings about the situation and about HIM.

You need to REALLY be honest with yourself here, because from what you've described, it seems like you might have some feelings for him that you weren't aware of before he started dating someone....and that's OKAY. :yep:

But honestly, if I were you and I were feeling this way about a guy friend, I would ask myself:
-What am I REALLY upset about here? Am I upset because he's dating someone else? That he QUICKLY found someone else to date after he confessed his feelings for me? Or is it that he's dating my BEST FRIEND that makes me feel uncomfortable? What IS IT??

-What am I saying to myself or believing about myself that is making me feel bad about this situation? REALLY be honest with yourself here. Even if it sounds irrational and crazy in your mind, be HONEST about what you're telling yourself. Do you feel betrayed? Maybe by your friend? Do you feel like he chose HER over you?? Is it an ego thing?

-Or am I just miffed because I thought he would always be there as a "back up plan" boyfriend "just in case of emergencies", and now that he's dating someone else it feels like he's "off the market" for good? BE HONEST.

And lastly....ask yourself:
-Do I have feelings for my friend? Even a LITTLE bit? If not, WHY not? If so, where do I go from here? Be completely honest with yourself.


So, just ask yourself some thought provoking questions. :yep:

I hope the situation clears up soon. I honestly think that it probably won't last that long with them, especially if Dee is just a "rebound chick". :look: But at the same time, I wouldn't blame him or make him the bad guy in this situation either. He confessed his feelings to you, and has probably been trying to show you for YEARS how he really feels about you, and you haven't reciprocated, so if he's moved on, you should be HAPPY for him! :yep: Now he can be off of your back lol.... :giggle: Especially if you never had feelings for him like that. IF it were my guy friend, I'd be happy for him. Sure it would feel kind of funny at first that he's dating my best friend, but in the end, I would want him to be HAPPY. And who better to date than my BEST friend!?!? :grin: Who CARES that you were the one that got them introduced? WHo CARES that they wouldn't have met each other if it hadn't been for you? IF they are both truly your friends, then it should be a good thing that two good people got together thanks to you. :yep:

PS---Yea, your friend's selective amnesia is definitely a farce. Lol.... But you know what, she probably just feels kind of guilty/awkward herself and doesn't know how to address it with you. I had a friend treat me funny too when she started dating a guy that SHE was trying to hook up with ME. SHe would ignore me whenever I would mention to her that she thought that HE liked ME!! :rolleyes: But whatever.... I got over it. Guys don't have a code....they can easily date girls and their FRIENDS and think NOTHING of it.
 
shespoison said:
beauty2u you think him dating my friend and talking about loving me is none of my business? Thats fine.

I have not been dancing. I love him like family. I knew he liked me mostly because everyone around us said it constantly. I am not confused about him at all. But I am talking about 2 life long friends of mine. And I wish I didnt care but I just feels wrong.
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He said he loved you, you didn't reciprocate. The end. Their relationship is none of your business. Yes, it hurts and it is awkward but it doesn't change that fact. You act like she stole your man when she did not. Why do you feel that you're losing them as friends?
 
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shespoison said:
mzpurp yes!

LiftedUp I dont like him that way at all. I told them both how I feel. They are (were) 2 of my closest friends. I dont care who he dates but I think that him dating one of my friends that he knows through me is messy and awkward. Is she gonna come to my house and talk about him to me when she knows that he has been trying to get with me for years?
Click to expand...

If you don't like him in that way, why shouldn't he date Dee? Do you think Dee is not a great catch for him, which really is his call. I don't think them dating has to change your friendship. Are you sure you don't have feelings for him? Is it that you somehow liked the fact that you knew in some way he adored you and now the attention is focused on a relationship? I think if you guys are friends as you say, be happy for him if their relationship is working.
 
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Oh wow....you wrote more after I posted lol.... :lol: You probably already answered all of my questions lol.

Anyway, maybe I'm reading things wrongly.... But, are you guys even in the same area? It seemed like from your post that you would always go back to visit your old area, so I'm thinking that you don't live in the same area that they do. In other words, I could see if maybe you and your friend were roomies or something....yeah THAT would probably be awkward at first. But if you guys don't live in the same area, I think that maybe you could try to spend time with other friends in your area for a little bit while they start their dating relationship.

Maybe THEY are sensing YOUR awkwardness about the situation too, and so they don't know how to act around you. Have you tried just acting normally around them for a little while?? Instead of acting hurt/offended/awkward, just act NORMALLY? :look: I know it might be hard, but it doesn't HAVE to be awkward unless YOU make it awkward. If they see that you aren't taking it hard and that you're still being yourself, then I think they will loosen up. :yep:

Trust me girl, I've had guys that I used to have crushes on date and end up marrying someone else ( a friend of mine) when I KNEW that the guy was trying to talk to me at one point. :look: Sure, it was awkward AT FIRST, but after a while I just told myself to GET OVER IT! She's nice, he's nice, and I'm happy for them! :yep: They even asked me to be the photographer for their wedding, and I gladly did it. I think that things will only REMAIN awkward if you make things awkward. If they're both good friends of yours, I don't see why it should be strange for YOU to hang with BOTH of them now. If he's really moved on, then you should just be happy for them and let it go.

IF she needs some time away from you while she's dating him so that she knows that he's really into HER and not you anymore, then let her have her space as well. You can just hang out with other friends in the meantime. Just realize that now that he's dating someone else, your relationship with him is going to HAVE To change. It just is. Just like if you started dating another guy, your relationship with him would HAVE to change. You see what I'm saying? Your SO wouldn't appreciate you having such a close friendship with another guy, and I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate your SO having such a close relationship with another girl either.

So, imo I say just keep friendly, keep open, but let them have their space if that's what they need right now.

Honestly, I don't think it will last lol, so you could be worrying about something that's not even going to last a month....let alone lead to marriage. :rolleyes:

Just stay fly, be happy, and act happy when/if you see them! They'll eventually get over their awkwardness lol. :lol: And so will you. :grinwink:
 
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CoilyFields said:
You just need to get over it. And I don't usually say that to people. That awkward feeling you're experiencing is jealously.

It sounds like though you may not have reciprocated his feelings, you liked being the center of his attention and now he is focused on someone close to you that will be receiving that attention rather than you. And your ego doesn't like that. Yeah, he is shady for lying about stuff and yeah, there is the possibility that she is lying also but look...if you not feeling him like that then its none of your business. They can date each other. Just don't fall back into that "sister/brother" mode with him anymore because it was an illusion from the start. (I rarely believe opposite sex people can be close friends without someone catching feelings).
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My gf had a guy that was crazy about her. He used to take her out and such and she KNEW she didn't like him in that way. She LOVED the fact that he like her in that way though. The man tried for years and moved on and is in a relationship.She had the nerve to say, if he really was serious about her, he would have kept trying to win her over. WHAT KIND OF CRAZINESS IS THAT! My gf is really egotistical and self absorbed so it didn't surprise me.
 
Well we say we love each other all the time....but I tell all my friends that.

I understand why everyone is saying I shouldnt care. But it doesnt stop me from caring. Its kind of hard to describe how we relate to one another because it is not ordinary and probably not healthy. But I do not desire him at all. I used to be in love with him and we used to ****. Yes, him taking his care away from me and giving it to someone else bothers me. I cared for him to. We had an affectionate relationship because I am affectionate.

I am allowed to feel. My feelings right now are not a choice. Its a reaction. I will get over it but I know that I cant continue to be friends with them. I have not screamed, cursed or cried. I just explained to her why it was weird to me and that it pissed me off. I also mentioned that it is a little hard to believe that she didnt "remember".

Why are my feelings wrong? They are feelings....

I am glad to hear all the opinions because all my friends agree with me (who are also friends with Dee) and its good to take in outside perspectives.

I personally would not feel comfortable dating someone who was after my friend for years. I would feel like option B. And I cant understand why anyone would settle for that.
 
shespoison said:
Well we say we love each other all the time....but I tell all my friends that.

I understand why everyone is saying I shouldnt care. But it doesnt stop me from caring. Its kind of hard to describe how we relate to one another because it is not ordinary and probably not healthy. But I do not desire him at all. I used to be in love with him and we used to ****. Yes, him taking his care away from me and giving it to someone else bothers me. I cared for him to. We had an affectionate relationship because I am affectionate.

I am allowed to feel. My feelings right now are not a choice. Its a reaction. I will get over it but I know that I cant continue to be friends with them. I have not screamed, cursed or cried. I just explained to her why it was weird to me and that it pissed me off. I also mentioned that it is a little hard to believe that she didnt "remember".

Why are my feelings wrong? They are feelings....

I am glad to hear all the opinions because all my friends agree with me (who are also friends with Dee) and its good to take in outside perspectives.

I personally would not feel comfortable dating someone who was after my friend for years. I would feel like option B. And I cant understand why anyone would settle for that.
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HOLD UP! :stop:

Okay now this added a new twist to this story. :look:

So maybe I'm not understanding the timeline or the extent of your relationship with this guy..... I thought you two dated in high school and then broke up, and went on for years just being FRIENDS. You two were intimate recently? As adults?? :look:

You don't have feelings for him? AT ALL??? Most women can't just spread their legs for a guy they have ZERO romantic feelings for.

OP.....what's going on here? Lol....:lol: I'm confused.

Something isn't adding up. Here I am thinking that you two had a little relationship back in HS.... I didn't know you two were being intimate now. Well no wonder!

I just need some clarification lol.
 
Im old school. And strongly believe in the girl code whether you dated 5 mins ago or 15yrs ago. A friends former man is off limits esp for long term besties like for decades. Thats like betraying a sister

I'd be more passed at HER than him.
 
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