Does love always feel the same?

[learnintocare4hair]

I've been in a relationship with my SO for a year now and recently I can't help but to wonder if maybe the love I have for him is more like the kind of love you have for a friend. The reason for this is my feelings for him are there but they aren't nearly as strong as they were in my last relationship.

I would say that I've been in love once before. I had a crush on my ex for years and we always had a little back and forth flirtation goin on but never actually let each other know how we felt until my freshman year of college. We started dating and I was just head over heels for him, I would do anything to keep him happy and make the relationship work. As cheesy as it sounds I would feel little butterflies in my stomach and get all happy if someone just mentioned his name. But after a year and a half of being together the relationship ended and I was just heartbroken. He was my first love and it felt like my world just shattered.

After that I swore off relationships for a while and felt I was over my ex b4 I met current SO. He's so caring, affectionate and selfless, the complete opposite of my ex, but even tho I care about him I wonder if the love will ever feel the same as it did with my ex. SO is a great catch and I've never had a guy who loved me the way he does, it makes me feel so guilty for questioning my love.erplexed

Am I wrong to compare the love I have for current SO with my ex? SO is talking about moving in together and starting a future but I can't help but have thoughts in the back of my mind about if we are just better off as friends.

 

[Browndilocks]

While I think it is wrong to compare love between people who hold the same titles, I will say that love is multi-deminsional and cyclic. It is never at a constant level, especially over long periods of time.

 

[Syrah]

Yes you are wrong...because you're not giving your current SO the chance to make you happy in his own unique way.

-sigh-
(Why did I JUST have this conversation with my girl friend over the weekend?)

I'm going to say this once: you are NEVER going to meet another man who was able to make you happy the way your ex-SO did. So stop trying. It's not going to happen.

What you need to do is recognize that each person is individual, and that new relationships (like your current SO) will be able to tap into new sources of happiness and love that you never thought existed IN YOU, just as your ex-so did. It's like having "spots" - you swore up and down that a kiss on the base of your neck, or behind the ear, could do the trick every time, until the first time "he" gently touched the inside of your wrist, or down your side. I view love and happiness like oil fields...you never know where you're going to find it, or how it's going to "feel" but when you do, it's like black gold. And just because one source is tapped out doesn't mean that another isn't lurking around the corner.

Stop comparing...because the only thing you're doing is denying YOURSELF the possibility.

... a part of me has to wonder if you're "over" your ex...because it really doesn't sound like you are. And thats something you need to be honest with yourself about. Dating someone new to try and forget the old never works if your heart isn't in it...even though we all try it. Rebound dating is the biggest myth I've ever heard, because if it isn't successful, it leaves you missing what you're trying to "forget" even more...

 

[tiara76]

Nadi makes good points.....no love you ever have for anybody will be exactly the same and to try and make a love the same as a previous love will only leave you disappointed because nothing in the universe is exactly the same, there is always some sort of variation to every thing and all energies.....however with that being said.....I do think that if you know you don't have passionate love for somebody then its obvious, but you have to know it without comparing it to the love and feelings of anybody previous, all passionate loves won't be the same, but you will know the difference between it and the "friendly" loves....the friendly loves are safe and secure which is why people can be comfortable in them, but know they are missing something....but alot of people would trade security over the types of love that makes them feel alive...esp if they felt that way before and lost it because the fear of losing it again or having to hurt again gets to be overwhelming for some...so they take the secure love and people aren't necessarily "unhappy" in some cases....more like unfulfilled and it can create a void in their lives

so you have to figure out if you are not giving this guy a real chance to experience something that moves you or if you are just still caught up in the feelings and experience of your last ex and want to try to duplicate that with this guy.....sounds like at this point you are in comparsion mode...however even if you can manage to get out of that mode, you still have to dig deep within and ask yourself is this love thriving and moving you, because even if you are not comparing him to others, you still know when you are feeling that type of love that gives you those butterflies and mushy feelings and those feelings can be experienced again with another person that can turn into an even greater relationship than the one you thought it gets no better than, you can't force it to happen though, but you have to be open to possibilities to find out and acutely aware and honest with yourself on what you really feel

 

[learnintocare4hair]

Wow, thanks MsNadi. I never thought about it that way. As of today I can say that I am completely over my jerk of a ex but if I'm honest that wasn't true when I first got involved with SO. Early on with SO I was always waiting for my feelings for him to be the same as they were with my ex.

My love for my SO feels comfortable, I know he'll never do anything to hurt me but for my ex I always felt like his love for me could be here today and gone tomorrow.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Good advice in here!

As I mentioned in another thread, it's all about how YOU define love. Sometimes we're so busy measuring love by butterflies in the stomach, infatuation, someone making you want to melt that we miss the big picture. Not saying that those things are bad, but those feelings are fleeting as well... and as you mentioned, the man who gave you those feelings also was one you couldn't trust.

I can't tell you what to do with your new SO, but you might want to think about what love really means to you and if you have a standard for it that really doesn't work in terms of maintaining a relationship that's truly best for you.

 

[learnintocare4hair]

I do think that if you know you don't have passionate love for somebody then its obvious, but you have to know it without comparing it to the love and feelings of anybody previous, all passionate loves won't be the same, but you will know the difference between it and the "friendly" loves....the friendly loves are safe and secure which is why people can be comfortable in them, but know they are missing something....but alot of people would trade security over the types of love that makes them feel alive...esp if they felt that way before and lost it because the fear of losing it again or having to hurt again gets to be overwhelming for some...so they take the secure love and people aren't necessarily "unhappy" in some cases....more like unfulfilled and it can create a void in their lives

I think this hit how I feel right on the head. I posted my last comment b4 reading what tiara said. I guess thats where I'm torn. Between having a comfortable love but wondering if theres something that I'm missing out on, or whether I should wait it out and those deeper, "butterflies and mushy feelings" will just come