Does anyone NOT want to get married?

[Eclass215]

A friend of mine recently asked me what my reasons were for wanting to get married, and I seriously had to think hard - beyond the surface. And I wondered how many women out there really have no desire to be married, and if so why not? I know I've had the discussion with women before about not having children, but never about not wanting marriage.

Anyone?

 

[melissa-bee]

When i was younger i didn't want to get married because i was shy and i thought it was embarrasing. But as an adult i do, i don't wanna grow old and alone i want someone to be there. I don't have definite reasons....i think i don't wanna end up like my mum.

 

[Triniwegian]

Of corse I want to get married. I want to grow old with the one I love, have babies and share great memories.

 

[Eclass215]

When i was younger i didn't want to get married because i was shy and i thought it was embarrasing. But as an adult i do, i don't wanna grow old and alone i want someone to be there. I don't have definite reasons....i think i don't wanna end up like my mum.

I can relate to the younger point of view. When I was little I thought I would be too embarrassed to kiss a man in front of my parents, lol.

And I understand not wanting to be alone when you're older, but do you think you HAVE to be married in order to not be alone? What about long-term committed relationships?

 

[Eclass215]

Of corse I want to get married. I want to grow old with the one I love, have babies and share great memories.

I completely understand that but.....why marriage?

You know what I was thinking - in the Sex and the City movie, Samantha was ok with never getting married. So even if she had a long-term relationship with someone, marriage wasn't necessary. I think I am trying to figure out what makes us see marriage as a necessity for those reasons stated above?

 

[Triniwegian]

I completely understand that but.....why marriage?

You know what I was thinking - in the Sex and the City movie, Samantha was ok with never getting married. So even if she had a long-term relationship with someone, marriage wasn't necessary. I think I am trying to figure out what makes us see marriage as a necessity for those reasons stated above?

For me it's security and the union; from a religious perspective.

 

[Eclass215]

For me it's security and the union; from a religious perspective.

Ok - got it.

Thanks!

 

[JustKiya]

I didn't want to get married before I met my husband. I didn't think there was a man out there I'd be willing to put up with for the rest of my natural-born life. Then, I met him, and my mind changed.

If we end while I'm still young, I strongly doubt that I'll be getting remarried.

 

[Eclass215]

I didn't want to get married before I met my husband. I didn't think there was a man out there I'd be willing to put up with for the rest of my natural-born life. Then, I met him, and my mind changed.

If we end while I'm still young, I strongly doubt that I'll be getting remarried.

Do you think you'd not want to get married again for the same reason you didn't think you wanted to be married in the first place? Or a different reason?

 

[Bunny77]

And I understand not wanting to be alone when you're older, but do you think you HAVE to be married in order to not be alone? What about long-term committed relationships?

Here's the thing for me... and I respect those who don't want to be married, btw.

But I want to be a wife. I greatly honor and revere the title of wife, just as I do the title of husband. I like knowing that my husband and I left our parents and came together to form a new family... and yes, our legal status as husband/wife/children is VERY important to me... I know many people feel strongly about marriage for religious reasons, but even if I wasn't looking at it from that perspective, that piece of paper that says that we are married under the eyes of the law is POWERFUL to me.

So that's why I want to be married, and why a long-term committed relationship would not be acceptable to me as a substitute for a marriage.

 

[JustKiya]

Do you think you'd not want to get married again for the same reason you didn't think you wanted to be married in the first place? Or a different reason?

Same reason.

And, I'm older now. I'm much more set in my ways. I'm not really interested in going through the process of creating another married relationship - it's a heck of a lot of work!

 

[Eclass215]

Here's the thing for me... and I respect those who don't want to be married, btw.

But I want to be a wife. I greatly honor and revere the title of wife, just as I do the title of husband. I like knowing that my husband and I left our parents and came together to form a new family... and yes, our legal status as husband/wife/children is VERY important to me... I know many people feel strongly about marriage for religious reasons, but even if I wasn't looking at it from that perspective, that piece of paper that says that we are married under the eyes of the law is POWERFUL to me.

So that's why I want to be married, and why a long-term committed relationship would not be acceptable to me as a substitute for a marriage.

Thank you. I think when I was doing some soul searching this is the same conclusion I came to.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I don't have the "gift of celibacy" and I am not into fornication (pre-marital). <<<That's ME

I also don't find it productive for me to get into long term "committed" relationships with multiple people over years. Its very emotionally draining and soul sucking. If I am going to invest my heart, time, and money, I'd prefer you'd be there on a permanent basis.

 

[Eclass215]

I don't have the gift of celibacy and I am not into fornication.

I also don't find it productive for me to get into committed relationship with multiple people over years. Its very emotionally draining. If I am going to invest my heart, time, and money, I'd prefer you'd be there on a permanent basis.

Makes sense. Thanks.

 

[Almaz]

Shacking is not an option
Shacking sucks
There is no REAL commitment Its just play

 

[tailormade84]

i didn't wanna get married....

.....but God had different plan.....lol

ETA: I didn't want to get married because I desired to be selfish - I wanted my freedom to talk to whoever, go whereever and do whatever. I wanted to chase my lofty careers goals without the guilty of ignoring my family. I wanted to spend my money any way I wanted. I wanted to be able to keep the house I wanted and live where I wanted (are you noticing all the 'I's?? lol) I enjoyed my single life because it was very much about me (even though I was trying to live for God, being single let me 'get away with' a lot of selfishness that I never truly saw until I got married.

I knew when I was single that the only reason I would ever let go of my FABULOUS single life was to grow in closer communion with God. I learned that marriage is just another level of ministry - I just never thought I would ever be prepared (or willing) to take such a huge step. I was secretly hoping it wouldnt be necessary lol

 

[Ladybelle]

I think it would be wise for every woman who ever considers marriage or not -to know the real reason behind her choice, beyond the surface & waaaay beyond the fairytale/wedding stuff.

Actually take the time to know your role as wife, know that you will be required to give as much if not more than what you receive and make the consicous decision to accept this role.

I'm married & wanted to be. Wouldn't marry again though.

 

[ambergirl]

I didn't want to get married before I met my husband. I didn't think there was a man out there I'd be willing to put up with for the rest of my natural-born life. Then, I met him, and my mind changed.

If we end while I'm still young, I strongly doubt that I'll be getting remarried.

Here's the thing for me... and I respect those who don't want to be married, btw.

But I want to be a wife. I greatly honor and revere the title of wife, just as I do the title of husband. I like knowing that my husband and I left our parents and came together to form a new family... and yes, our legal status as husband/wife/children is VERY important to me... I know many people feel strongly about marriage for religious reasons, but even if I wasn't looking at it from that perspective, that piece of paper that says that we are married under the eyes of the law is POWERFUL to me.

So that's why I want to be married, and why a long-term committed relationship would not be acceptable to me as a substitute for a marriage.

I'm with both of you. While I want to get married it's more about the man and whether I want to create a life with him rather then chasing the ring and the M.R.S. degree. I've seen oodles of my friends freak out at a certain age and marry the first guy who asked them....most of them are divorced or living in some serious pain now. And JustKiya I can't tell you how many of my married friends are like "if this don't work...never again!".

I also agree with Bunny, as I'm not a religious person I wouldn't get married for religious reasons. But I do think being legally, contractually MARRIED is important for a host of reasons, not least of which it means both partners are clear about the nature and meaning of the committment.

One of my aunts lived with her guy for almost 20 years before they married and do you know that once they got married HE was the one who got all emotional and gushy and said it changed everything and he loved her even more and he wish they had done it sooner. Glad it's working out for them cuz you know if something had happened to him when they weren't married it's very possible she wouldn't have a legal claim on lots of things they built together (a home, a business, certain investments etc).

 

[Eclass215]

i didn't wanna get married....

.....but God had different plan.....lol

LOL - well I'm guessing that plan is working out for you, so congrats!

I think it would be wise for every woman who ever considers marriage or not -to know the real reason behind her choice, beyond the surface & waaaay beyond the fairytale/wedding stuff.

Actually take the time to know your role as wife, know that you will be required to give as much if not more than what you receive and make the consicous decision to accept this role.

I'm married & wanted to be. Wouldn't marry again though.

Are you in the same boat as JustKiya in terms of why you wouldn't marry again?

 

[Ladybelle]

LOL - well I'm guessing that plan is working out for you, so congrats!



Are you in the same boat as JustKiya in terms of why you wouldn't marry again?

Similar reasons. I can only compare it to having children or having a career- once one has gone through the effort of raising successful children whom are now grown & out of the house, why do it again? Marriage is work, and after I retire - I don't plan on re-entering the workforce again no matter how successful my first career was. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Bunny77]

I think it would be wise for every woman who ever considers marriage or not -to know the real reason behind her choice, beyond the surface & waaaay beyond the fairytale/wedding stuff.

You know, the funny thing about this statement is that I was going to say the opposite... but for a different reason.

Coming from the perspective of a long-time single woman who never was into fairytales/MRS Degrees/weddings, etc., I noticed that when I decided that I wanted to get married, people would grill me about WHY -- as if I as a fabulous sassy single woman had somehow bought into "conditioning" that I needed a man or didn't feel good enough alone or all that jazz.

And I spent all this time trying to come up with some deep reason until I finally said, "Well, isn't the desire to be a wife and mother a good enough reason?" For me, it's that simple.

I think sometimes women (especially ones who are single into their 30s) are asked to think about why they want to get married TOO much, like they're somehow betraying some strong woman ideal. I don't want to go in that direction either.

OR... there's the people who try to convince you (usually a few men) that a long-term relationship is good enough and that's why they grill you as to why you want to be married... like YOU'RE in the wrong for wanting more than that.

 

[tailormade84]

I can relate to the younger point of view. When I was little I thought I would be too embarrassed to kiss a man in front of my parents, lol.

younger point of view?
even at the age of 25, i will not kiss my husband on the lips in front of my mom.....i can bearly sit next to him when she is around.....or anyone else in our family for that matter....im not a big PDA fan

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I definitely agree with this. However, maybe it is wise to consider more deeply why you want to marry a particular person than why you want to get married. This is probably what asuperwoman meant but I dont knnow cause I am not in her head. Why you want to marry is usually the easier part but why you want to marry a particular person you may need to ponder a little harder as it is a big, lifetime (IMO) decision.

You know, the funny thing about this statement is that I was going to say the opposite... but for a different reason.

Coming from the perspective of a long-time single woman who never was into fairytales/MRS Degrees/weddings, etc., I noticed that when I decided that I wanted to get married, people would grill me about WHY -- as if I as a fabulous sassy single woman had somehow bought into "conditioning" that I needed a man or didn't feel good enough alone or all that jazz.

And I spent all this time trying to come up with some deep reason until I finally said, "Well, isn't the desire to be a wife and mother a good enough reason?" For me, it's that simple.

I think sometimes women (especially ones who are single into their 30s) are asked to think about why they want to get married TOO much, like they're somehow betraying some strong woman ideal. I don't want to go in that direction either.

OR... there's the people who try to convince you (usually a few men) that a long-term relationship is good enough and that's why they grill you as to why you want to be married... like YOU'RE in the wrong for wanting more than that.

 

[Bunny77]

I definitely agree with this. However, maybe it is wise to consider more deeply why you want to marry a particular person than why you want to get married. This is probably what asuperwoman meant but I dont knnow cause I am not in her head. Why you want to marry is usually the easier part but why you want to marry a particular person you may need to ponder a little harder as it is a big, lifetime (IMO) decision.

Oh yeah...

And I didn't mean to contradict what Asuperwoman said... I was actually going to make my post before she did, just because I see this trend a lot with women in their late 20s-early 30s who suddenly express a desire to be married being grilled about why. I wonder if EClass' friend was doing the same thing... and EClass shouldn't have had to really do any soul-searching about it, IMO.

But sure, when it comes to WHO, then yes, think long and hard about it! Just because he's coming at you with a ring and you're 29 and thinking this is your last shot (not hardly) doesn't mean you need to marry that guy on general principle!

 

[Ladybelle]

You know, the funny thing about this statement is that I was going to say the opposite... but for a different reason.

Coming from the perspective of a long-time single woman who never was into fairytales/MRS Degrees/weddings, etc., I noticed that when I decided that I wanted to get married, people would grill me about WHY -- as if I as a fabulous sassy single woman had somehow bought into "conditioning" that I needed a man or didn't feel good enough alone or all that jazz.

And I spent all this time trying to come up with some deep reason until I finally said, "Well, isn't the desire to be a wife and mother a good enough reason?" For me, it's that simple.

I think sometimes women (especially ones who are single into their 30s) are asked to think about why they want to get married TOO much, like they're somehow betraying some strong woman ideal. I don't want to go in that direction either.

OR... there's the people who try to convince you (usually a few men) that a long-term relationship is good enough and that's why they grill you as to why you want to be married... like YOU'RE in the wrong for wanting more than that.

i was coming more from the idea of getting married with realistic expectations. Trust, I have respect for strong women but am all for betraying that idea for the sake of marriage & family.

I've met women even in their 30's waiting/hoping a man will come along and complete them and be their happy ending. Sorry to burst bubbles, but marriage isn't always gonna be like that.


people, women in particular talk so much about marriage and sometimes i find some of us haven't taken the time to realize exactly what it is and what it requires. What happens after the "I do's" is worth preparing for. It takes so much more to make a marriage last other than just the desire to be a wife, on any particular day your dh can really make you question if that desire is real or not!!

I think justkiya mentioned this is another thread, you can't fully prepare for marriage just like you can't fully prepare for motherhood, but you can learn some basics about what it requires and I think the divorce rate would be so much lower if people knew what they were getting into beforehand.

 

[Eclass215]

younger point of view?
even at the age of 25, i will not kiss my husband on the lips in front of my mom.....i can bearly sit next to him when she is around.....or anyone else in our family for that matter....im not a big PDA fan

Well I'm not either, but I think I am at the point where I am willing to kiss my husband during the wedding ceremony at least. I wasn't when I was 8 though, lol. That's all I meant by the younger point of view.

 

[JustKiya]

Similar reasons. I can only compare it to having children or having a career- once one has gone through the effort of raising successful children whom are now grown & out of the house, why do it again? Marriage is work, and after I retire - I don't plan on re-entering the workforce again no matter how successful my first career was. Hope that makes sense.

That's an EXCELLENT way to put it!!

And honestly, I felt like this even before I got married - even as much as I joke about husbands # 2-5 ( ), my goal is to do this once. Heck, my mother remarried the same dude three times, and I (at 9-14) thought she was out of her everloving mind. Fool me once, and all that.......

 

[Eclass215]

Oh yeah...

And I didn't mean to contradict what Asuperwoman said... I was actually going to make my post before she did, just because I see this trend a lot with women in their late 20s-early 30s who suddenly express a desire to be married being grilled about why. I wonder if EClass' friend was doing the same thing... and EClass shouldn't have had to really do any soul-searching about it, IMO.

But sure, when it comes to WHO, then yes, think long and hard about it! Just because he's coming at you with a ring and you're 29 and thinking this is your last shot (not hardly) doesn't mean you need to marry that guy on general principle!

Yes, I agree. And honestly until my friend asked me, I had never given it much thought. I always thought I'd get married and wanted to get married, but I never dug deeper as to why, so it was just interesting for me to really figure out what about marriage and being a wife was more appealing to me than being a long-term GF.

 

[Ladybelle]

Oh yeah...

And I didn't mean to contradict what Asuperwoman said... I was actually going to make my post before she did, just because I see this trend a lot with women in their late 20s-early 30s who suddenly express a desire to be married being grilled about why. I wonder if EClass' friend was doing the same thing... and EClass shouldn't have had to really do any soul-searching about it, IMO.

But sure, when it comes to WHO, then yes, think long and hard about it! Just because he's coming at you with a ring and you're 29 and thinking this is your last shot (not hardly) doesn't mean you need to marry that guy on general principle!

yeah, that too. definitely consider the "who", I think the "why" is also important though.

"just cuz I want to" seems to be setting oneself up for dissappointment. IMHO, it seems marriage is the only institution one can enter into "just cuz". One could not graduate college wanting to attend "just cuz" one could not be successful in a career "just cuz" - there has to be a reason and oftentimes our reasons are the driving force behind our ability to be successful or fail.

 

[JustKiya]

yeah, that too. definitely consider the "who", I think the "why" is also important though.

"just cuz I want to" seems to be setting oneself up for dissappointment. IMHO, it seems marriage is the only institution one can enter into "just cuz". One could not graduate college wanting to attend "just cuz" one cuold not be successful in a career "just cuz" - there has to be a reason and oftentimes are reasons are the force behind our ability to be successful or fail.

And parenthood.