Does a man HAVE to spend money on a date?...

[BK Bombshell]

See that's where we differ. I didn't see this thread in anyway to be about cheap men rather it was about the form of payment used on a date. The OP didn't mention a cheap man it mentioned a man who choose not to spend alot of money on dates. The initial things mentioned certain places to go that could cost alot or could be done for less, ie, retail or sale prices.

I do think that when you talk about money you have to talk about credit because they go hand in hand. The more extra money a man has the less debt he generally has. By choosing not to spend alot of money on a date this man now has more money to pay for other things. Like my brother for instance. He never goes and spends alot on dates. But he will make sure that every car he has purchased is paid off in a year. BTW he doesn't buy used cars or drive things like Kias or Hyundais. That to me is a SMART man. He only turned 30 this year but his home is paid off. He has already broken the 6 figure mark in his 401k. His dates don't need to pay for anything ever. That's just how he is.

I guess I just don't see why responsible men like that should be bypassed because they are looking at the future rather than at the right here and now. I mean think about it. If he should lose his job right now he doesn't need to go into panic mode and take the first thing that comes to him because his bills are limited right now to just utilities. That's a couple hundred dollars at most. His future wife will have the OPTION of whether to stay home or go to work because he decided not to waste money on dates.

Yes, we do differ. I don't think the OP is writing about the form of payment. From what I understand, she's not talking about spending a lot, she's talking spending nothing and that's a huge difference:

...even if you two have a good time otherwise? I'm talking about the first few dates.Let's say he suggests taking you to a museum or a stroll through an exotic garden. But what if it happens to be on free admission day? How about you two go see a movie he has free passes to? What if he takes you out to eat at a restaurant that he happens to have a "comp" for? What about a first date at a park where he brings a homemade meal for two?

I'm speaking of the first couple of dates where you two are just now getting to know one another. More than likely you're both probably seeing other people as well at this stage.

All those things can't be a coincidence. A man doesn't necessarily have to spend money on every date, but if we go out a FEW times and he hasn't spent a dime, I would suspect a problem.

Also, there's not necessarily a correlation between how much debt someone has/doesn't have and what they spend on a date, and on the first few dates, his financial condition is none of my business anyway. At that point, what I care about is if I'm having fun, if I like him, how I'm treated and if I'm interested in seeing him again.

I'm not concerned about the credit of someone I just met and they shouldn't be worrying about mine either. That's all down the road IF we continue to see each other. If I like someone after a few dates, then we can start discussing those things and I'll make a decision based on what I find out. I didn't say there was anything wrong with saving and being responsible and I understand that by not spending money now, he has more $ for later. However, if we can't get past the first few dates, that has nothing to do with me either. I do respect your opinion though, so we'll just agree to disagree on this one.:wink2:

 

[Butterfly08]

See, here I think you are giving some folks too much credit. The type of men that folks are talking about here are men that are straight-up broke kneegrows for no reason and expect women to do things for them OR college students who claim to be broke but find money to spend on themselves, other women, etc.

I don't think this is about the man who is trying to be frugal to save up for the future... that's a different issue and I agree with you 100% on that.

But most of the men that we're talking about in this thread (low-caliber, sad to say) usually ain't saving up **** for naan education, naan car, naan house, nothing.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Wow, well we definitely have some different opinions here! Everyone makes good points. Perhaps I should clear some things up.

I have no problem with men who are smart with their money. That's why I stressed the first couple of dates i.e the courting period. Once we are in a relationship, I find it perfectly acceptable to clip coupons, cook instead of go out, etc...But don't bust out coupons with ME when you spent money courting the last girl.

I've seen a HUGE difference between men who are smart with their money, but generous, and guys who are outright cheap and stingy. The latter are generally the ones I've come across who are ready to limit your first couple of dates to whatever's free . We can't deny that a man's job during the courting period is to show the woman that he's financially able to take care of her, and part of that is spending a little cash to treat her to a nice afternoon/evening out.

We all want a man who is smart with his money, but if he's TRULY smart with his money, he should be able to treat me for the first couple of dates. Nothing expensive. How about a walk through that free garden followed by a meal at the pizza cafe where there is live music? That shouldn't cost him more than $25. Once we become an established couple, we can do Netflix and home-cooked meals. He's paid his dues to be with me, and I'm assured that I wasn't getting the leftover coupons because ol' boy was broke from taking the last girl to dinner.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

But then, the OP also mentioned that the man in question spent a decent amount of money on other women, while pulling out the coupons/free dates with her.

If he was really broke and doing the same with everyone (because he's in college), that's one thing. But the fact that he managed to find money to take other women out but got cheap with RedRiot is the issue here.



See, here I think you are giving some folks too much credit. The type of men that folks are talking about here are men that are straight-up broke kneegrows for no reason and expect women to do things for them OR college students who claim to be broke but find money to spend on themselves, other women, etc.

I don't think this is about the man who is trying to be frugal to save up for the future... that's a different issue and I agree with you 100% on that.

But most of the men that we're talking about in this thread (low-caliber, sad to say) usually ain't saving up **** for naan education, naan car, naan house, nothing.

They just want an easy route to the p---y and are being cheap and disrespectful. Just read this board on any given day to see the types of **** these fools are trying to pull (like the "Would you go on a date to the mall?" thread... the man in that thread was 26 and had no car AND was trying to get the OP to come to his house for a date or just walk around the mall!!!) and I think you'll see why some of us are adamant here that a man should be willing to spend a reasonable amount of money on a woman he's dating.

And by reasonable, that means in conjunction with his financial status. As I mentioned, I did that KFC picnic date with a boy I dated in college that cost us about $5 altogether. That was GREAT!

But if some 30-year-old man approaches me (since I'm 30 and expect someone of my age to have a reasonable salary) and suggests KFC on the first date, I'd tell him to GTFOOHWTBS with a quickness!!!!

EXACTLY!

I mean if a guy is taking me out on free dates, but he is dressed from head to toe in brand name...I know he is one of THOSE types.

I really do have mad respect for men who are about saving their money and looking forward to the future. But a couple of dates shouldn't financially cripple a man who has his finances together. Now if a woman is expecting fine dining for EVERY date, I can understand a man running the other way!

 

[envybeauty]

I want a man who is banking his money trying to make a life for himself and his family. Every dollar he spends on a date is one less dollar he has to save, invest or pay down debt.

Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

I laughed when I read this. Millions of brothas would love to date more women like you.

Better yet, why not just say that the dollar that is coming out of YOUR pocket is one less dollar that he has to save, etc. ...because that would be the next step in his thinking.

 

[runwaydream]

Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

I laughed when I read this. Millions of brothas would love to date more women like you.

Better yet, why not just say that the dollar that is coming out of YOUR pocket is one less dollar that he has to save, etc. ...because that would be the next step in his thinking.

LMAO!! u kno that's right. lol

 

[BK Bombshell]

I have no problem with men who are smart with their money. That's why I stressed the first couple of dates i.e the courting period. Once we are in a relationship, I find it perfectly acceptable to clip coupons, cook instead of go out, etc...But don't bust out coupons with ME when you spent money courting the last girl.

I've seen a HUGE difference between men who are smart with their money, but generous, and guys who are outright cheap and stingy. The latter are generally the ones I've come across who are ready to limit your first couple of dates to whatever's free . We can't deny that a man's job during the courting period is to show the woman that he's financially able to take care of her, and part of that is spending a little cash to treat her to a nice afternoon/evening out.

We all want a man who is smart with his money, but if he's TRULY smart with his money, he should be able to treat me for the first couple of dates. Nothing expensive. How about a walk through that free garden followed by a meal at the pizza cafe where there is live music? That shouldn't cost him more than $25. Once we become an established couple, we can do Netflix and home-cooked meals. He's paid his dues to be with me, and I'm assured that I wasn't getting the leftover coupons because ol' boy was broke from taking the last girl to dinner.

I really do have mad respect for men who are about saving their money and looking forward to the future. But a couple of dates shouldn't financially cripple a man who has his finances together. Now if a woman is expecting fine dining for EVERY date, I can understand a man running the other way!

ITA! Great posts.

 

[Lindy]

he would always be talking about what a great sales day he had at work or how he's about to get this or that commission check...I'm like, well if the sales are so hot, why can't you up that rate plan or find $40 for us to go out? I only talked to that dude for about 3 weeks, but I've got stories to last 3 years!

OMG... we must have been dating the same dude ... exact same story here... Ladies, stay away from the guys who work on commission alone!!

 

[Lindy]

I had to tell a fool of today about this very topic. A man doesnt have to spend big $$$ wit me, just show me a good time. Why this fool get major atitude with me because I wouldnt pay for HIM to go to the movies. Excuse me?? Whos courting who again??

Double dang!! Wow, these fools are EVERYWHERE these days!! And I thought it was just me...

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

I laughed when I read this. Millions of brothas would love to date more women like you.

Better yet, why not just say that the dollar that is coming out of YOUR pocket is one less dollar that he has to save, etc. ...because that would be the next step in his thinking.

IA

In the end, I think we ALL want a man that's creative and financially intelligent enough to provide a good stable life for his family. But on the first couple of dates, I have no idea if I'm going to be any part of THAT family. I can see a guy now wearing them coupons out with me, then meeting the woman of his dreams, and ol' girl is riding clean and ish off of the money he saved taking me on all these free a** dates.

We can have a good time being creative and frugal AFTER we are exclusive.

 

[belleama]

Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

I laughed when I read this. Millions of men would love to date more women like you.

Better yet, why not just say that the dollar that is coming out of YOUR pocket is one less dollar that he has to save, etc. ...because that would be the next step in his thinking.

I guess you missed the posts where I said as long as its not coming out of MY pocket I didn't care how it got paid for. A straight up cheap man is totally not what I was talking about in my posts. Maybe bunny is right. It definately seems like I am giving people way too much credit.

I guess my opinion doesn't even matter here since I'm married.

 

[Valerie]

That he's either broke, or he's a cheap ***.... Or doesn't want to spend any money on you until he's sure he wants the friendship to go further...

Sorry to be so blunt but I'm going thru some issues with this very topic right now... erplexed

A man who wants your company, has to pay, when he gets a wife, he has to provide for her, also if he was paying an escort, he will still have to pay. If he cannot pay for you, he is not worthy of you, it is simple as that.

 

[motherx2esq]

As long as we are having a great time and he isn't asking me to pay for anything I really don't care whether its free or cost $1000.

This is how I feel. If we are having a good time what does the price tag mean! I have money so if he pays does that mean I'm broke or a cheap arse? Not at all. I say have fun and if he can make me smile and laugh on a first date then so be it. But if it's date 25 and he has not offered to take you to a nice sit down dinner or a concert then I'd be a bit suspect! lol

 

[Lindy]

A man who wants your company, has to pay, when he gets a wife, he has to provide for her, also if he was paying an escort, he will still have to pay. If he cannot pay for you, he is not worthy of you, it is simple as that.

PREACH!!! I totally agree...

 

[aqualung]

I went on a date with a medical resident back in 2004 or so. He told me to order from the appetizer menu, because he wasn't going to buy me an entree. As I was presumptuous to even open the menu.
I still know that kid. He has since dumped his fiance (a well-heeled fashion model), snatched back the ring, and kicked her out of his house.

At THIS stage (advanced degrees, steady incomes, close to 30 years old), a man couldn't get my attention with cheap/free INITIAL dates. He's got to bait the hook. Lazy free dates come later.

A doctor at my church often chats me up and invites me to church group events. Not a date, dude. (Especially if there are 30 of us going...) We're not in 6th grade going to the skating rink with chaperones anymore.

 

[MJ]

I guess I just don't understand why it matters how the date is being paid for as long as its not my wallet. I mean we are having fun. Why should he have to come out of his pocket alot to do so? Are you saying you are missing out on something because he didnt pay for the date? Earlier you mentioned the museum. Why does it matter if you two got in free vs spending $20 a head? Isn't it the same museum that everyone else is seeing? Going to the movies using vochers or those coupons, you're still seeing the same moving as everyone else. Unless ofcourse at your theater they put all the folks with coupons in a special section.

I have more respect for men who can be creative and find low cost things to do than some dude who thinks he has to spend all the time. I would rather go out twice a week and do free/low cost stuff than only once amonth cause we're broke from last time.

I want a man who is banking his money trying to make a life for himself and his family. Every dollar he spends on a date is one less dollar he has to save, invest or pay down debt.

I agree with this! The point of a date is for the parties involved to get to know each other, not to see how much money the man can spend getting to know the woman. I would be embarassed by the coupon usage though (if we are married or in a serious relationships and know each other like that, yes. But on a first date ).

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Wow, well we definitely have some different opinions here! Everyone makes good points. Perhaps I should clear some things up.

I have no problem with men who are smart with their money. That's why I stressed the first couple of dates i.e the courting period. Once we are in a relationship, I find it perfectly acceptable to clip coupons, cook instead of go out, etc...But don't bust out coupons with ME when you spent money courting the last girl.

I've seen a HUGE difference between men who are smart with their money, but generous, and guys who are outright cheap and stingy. The latter are generally the ones I've come across who are ready to limit your first couple of dates to whatever's free . We can't deny that a man's job during the courting period is to show the woman that he's financially able to take care of her, and part of that is spending a little cash to treat her to a nice afternoon/evening out.

We all want a man who is smart with his money, but if he's TRULY smart with his money, he should be able to treat me for the first couple of dates. Nothing expensive. How about a walk through that free garden followed by a meal at the pizza cafe where there is live music? That shouldn't cost him more than $25. Once we become an established couple, we can do Netflix and home-cooked meals. He's paid his dues to be with me, and I'm assured that I wasn't getting the leftover coupons because ol' boy was broke from taking the last girl to dinner.

Agreed.

It has little to nothing to do with the AMOUNT, but like someone else mentioned, if 2 dates is going to put him in the poor house, something is wrong anyway. We are talking about GROWN men who should be able to stand on their own two.

Like I said, I don't mind a creative date at all, but if it's obvious that he's going out of his way to avoid spending money that early in the game, then something, IMO, is wrong. And you can call me siddity, but I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and as a man, he should be able to provide the same or better in the dating phase. With no strings attached, his purpose should be to show the woman a good time, and if her definition of a good time is sitting at her house eating ramen noodles and watching Braveheart then so be it but if her definition of a good time is a nice dinner and dancing then he needs to act accordingly or keep it moving.

And another thing, a GREAT date does not have to be expensive, but oftentimes, it does entail him spending some money. That could mean $30 on dinner someplace simple and then a walk through the park or $100 at the finest of restaurants and $80 tickets to the opera. That part, to me, is not all that relevant but if it's date 1 and he wants to postpone the date because Friday is 2 for 1 night at Red Lobster and wants me to him there so he can save his gas, and he has a coupon for a free appetizer, I'm going to be like

 

[tocktick]

it depends. a free date to places where admission is typically free is fine. so places such as the museum, parks etc would be fine. i'd actually prefer that date to the cinema or dinner.

i wouldn't be bothered with a homemade meal/picnic at the park. he took the time to make the meal anyway and that's thoughtful enough. plus, i love a guy that can cook well and likes to cook.

but a date where you typically have to pay (restaurant, cinema, coffee house etc) but he's using coupons . sorry but no. maybe that makes me stuck up or something but that just rubs me the wrong way.

eta: i should have added the the free dates are fine in the beginning but it shouldn't be something that is consistent. a paid meal etc here and there would show me that he isn't just a cheap bum but merely likes to do something other than the dinner/cinema thing...it just happens to be free. i love art galleries and the like, most of which are free here.

also, if i knew he was spending money on another girl but was merely taking me to free places because she complained then i think it may be quits for us. in that scenario, he is pretty much taking the piss and not taking you to museums etc because he thinks it would be a great date. he just wants to save money for that next girl.

 

[sunnydaze]

Enough to show me a good time...on a real date.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I don't mind at all if a guy doesn't spend any money on a date, as long as it's a quality date overall and we both enjoy it. I love finding cheap, inexpensive fun things to do. I have a great time and keep some cash in my wallet which allows me to use my money for better things I don't have any bones to pick with a man who wanted to do the same. I'm more concerned with the amount of time he spends with me and the quality of the time. Dates aren't the only accurate gage of man's financial stability.


And not all "cheap" or "free" dates are created equal. My ex boyfriend took me out on a number of "cheap/free" dates. They were as follows:

- an invite to the Urban League awards dinner
- an invite to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund dinner
- an invite to a private dinner with his boss and colleagues from Kellogg School of Business followed by a performance by the New York Philharmonic Orchestra

Um...yeah, I don't think too many women would go on dates like that and then complain about the fact that their guy didn't have to pay for them.

*Edit*

Now, granted, I realize that not a lot of men have the ability to do the above for "free." But the point was to illustrate that just because something is free or cheap doesn't mean it's going to be low class. My ex did very well for himself, but he never spent a lot of money on dates at all. Why? Because he had access to some really cool sh*t for free. Hell, if I were in his shoes, I'd do the same thing! LOL!!!

 

[Bunny77]

I don't mind at all if a guy doesn't spend any money on a date, as long as it's a quality date overall and we both enjoy it. I love finding cheap, inexpensive fun things to do. I have a great time and keep some cash in my wallet which allows me to use my money for better things I don't have any bones to pick with a man who wanted to do the same. I'm more concerned with the amount of time he spends with me and the quality of the time. Dates aren't the only accurate gage of man's financial stability.


And not all "cheap" or "free" dates are created equal. My ex boyfriend took me out on a number of "cheap/free" dates. They were as follows:

- an invite to the Urban League awards dinner
- an invite to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund dinner
- an invite to a private dinner with his boss and colleagues from Kellogg School of Business followed by a performance by the New York Philharmonic Orchestra

Hey, those "free" dates are cool and I'd go for those in a second!

BUT... wasn't he already your boyfriend when he took you on these dates? Or if he wasn't your boyfriend yet, were these examples of the first three or four dates he invited you on?

If I met a guy like this, I'd have no complaints... but again, I don't think the men we're talking about in this thread even have it going on like that where they can do "free" dates in which they're taking a woman to educational stuff like this.

They're doing Red Lobster 2-for-1 coupon nights on the first date. I mean, Red Lobster, come on!

I don't think people have a general problem with the IDEA of a free date, it's how these men are carrying them out... and most of the ones folks are complaining about in this thread probably couldn't even spell NAACP!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Hey, those "free" dates are cool and I'd go for those in a second!

BUT... wasn't he already your boyfriend when he took you on these dates? Or if he wasn't your boyfriend yet, were these examples of the first three or four dates he invited you on?

If I met a guy like this, I'd have no complaints... but again, I don't think the men we're talking about in this thread even have it going on like that where they can do "free" dates in which they're taking a woman to educational stuff like this.

They're doing Red Lobster 2-for-1 coupon nights on the first date. I mean, Red Lobster, come on!

I don't think people have a general problem with the IDEA of a free date, it's how these men are carrying them out... and most of the ones folks are complaining about in this thread probably couldn't even spell NAACP!

Agreed.

Like I've said before, once a man is my boyfriend, things are different.


Plus we are talking about the dating stages. I've spoken to a few men about this and have found some interesting opinions on the subject.

Many men will date around for a bit in search of something exclusive. Sometimes they look at the ladies they are dating with varying degrees.

There is always the girl that he is most interested in. During the dating stage he is hoping that she is ready to take it to the next level and become exclusive. She is the #1. He is more likely to do traditional dates with her, and spend some money, doesn't have to be a lot, but he is truly trying to win her over.

There is the girl he is kinda interested in, there is definitely a physical attraction, but he doesn't know too much about her. He is getting to know her on a flirtatious friendship level right now, because he is still caught up with girl #1. But if things don't work out with girl #1, this girl could become his next choice. He might spend a little cash on this girl, but neither see an issue with a "free" date since they are mainly on a friendship-that-might-lead-to-something-more level.

Then there are the ladies that he kinda likes, but he doesn't see as girlfriend material just yet. He is still preoccupied with girl #1, and girl #2 has more GF potential than these ladies. So these are the ladies he will invite to free outings he already plans on attending. No money is spent because they are friends.

Of course this isn't always true. Girl #1 could be a free date, and there could be more than one Girl #2. However, overall I've seen a difference in dates when I was Girl #1 vs Girl #2 vs the rest. Many men can't afford to take multiple ladies out on money dates while in the dating stages. So who do you think they are going to work the hardest to impress?

There are couples who do the free thing in the beginning and they are married to this day. I can't say that my judgment will come strictly from whether or not he spends money on the first few dates. However, with my age and the times we are in, it is a lot more common for men and women to date around. Almost every single friend I have is dating multiple people at a time to see what's out there before settling down. So you never really know where you stand. I could be the nice and down-to-earth girl who applauds a guy for being creative and frugal during the courtship stage, which I have done...but when reality hits that he's spending cash on the girl he REALLY wants first and foremost, I have to open my eyes and see this dating game for what it really is.

If a man really wants to take it to the next level with me, a couple of bucks won't hurt him. It's how men have courted women for decades. Once we are exclusive, I'm down for anything. But when it comes to courtship, I'm old fashioned.

 

[envybeauty]

The other point aside from what Bunny raised is that those dates.....do have value. Just because your ex did not pay for them, does not mean that to do those kinds of things one does not need money to do so.

A walk in the park is free no matter who is doing it. The dinners you describe cost SOMEBODY money whether it was your boyfriend's boss, his company, or his momma. Just because he didn't pay for it, does not mean that someone else didn't.

I don't think one has to spend a certain amount of money but I would not do repeated walks in the park type dates either.

I don't mind at all if a guy doesn't spend any money on a date, as long as it's a quality date overall and we both enjoy it. I love finding cheap, inexpensive fun things to do. I have a great time and keep some cash in my wallet which allows me to use my money for better things I don't have any bones to pick with a man who wanted to do the same. I'm more concerned with the amount of time he spends with me and the quality of the time. Dates aren't the only accurate gage of man's financial stability.


And not all "cheap" or "free" dates are created equal. My ex boyfriend took me out on a number of "cheap/free" dates. They were as follows:

- an invite to the Urban League awards dinner
- an invite to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund dinner
- an invite to a private dinner with his boss and colleagues from Kellogg School of Business followed by a performance by the New York Philharmonic Orchestra

Um...yeah, I don't think too many women would go on dates like that and then complain about the fact that their guy didn't have to pay for them.

*Edit*

Now, granted, I realize that not a lot of men have the ability to do the above for "free." But the point was to illustrate that just because something is free or cheap doesn't mean it's going to be low class. My ex did very well for himself, but he never spent a lot of money on dates at all. Why? Because he had access to some really cool sh*t for free. Hell, if I were in his shoes, I'd do the same thing! LOL!!!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

The other point aside from what Bunny raised is that those dates.....do have value. Just because your ex did not pay for them, does not mean that to do those kinds of things one does not need money to do so.

A walk in the park is free no matter who is doing it. The dinners you describe cost SOMEBODY money whether it was your boyfriend's boss, his company, or his momma. Just because he didn't pay for it, does not mean that someone else didn't.

I don't think one has to spend a certain amount of money but I would not do repeated walks in the park type dates either.

Agreed!

For me it's not only about the money, but sometimes the limited options that come with a free-only date. Granted I do not mind a free museum, a picnic, a walk in the park...but how about going out afterwards for some drinks? Or what about sharing a pizza and listening to live music? I don't want to be stuck at the park for every date, or have to go on a date during an day that's not convenient because the gardens or museum aren't free on weekends. I like going out on the town because I love music. So a guy trying to do a free date would have to pass that over altogether, when local bands play around here for $5. Money opens options, and it shows early on, before there is a commitment that this guy is serious and open to the dating game.

On another forum, this guy started a thread asking about cheap/free date ideas. He wanted to win the girl over, but not have to spend money on her. But I guarantee this same guy would hit the Strip Club and have no issue dishing out cash for a lap dance . Sometimes men kill me.

 

[Lindy]

Granted I do not mind a free museum, a picnic, a walk in the park...but how about going out afterwards for some drinks? Or what about sharing a pizza and listening to live music? I don't want to be stuck at the park for every date, or have to go on a date during an day that's not convenient because the gardens or museum aren't free on weekends.

I totally agree. I mean, once you're on the date, doing the walk in the park thing, or the free museum, you're bound to work up an appetite, right?? Then what?? You have to go your separate ways because the guy isn't willing to buy lunch/dinner/drinks?? That's ridiculous... I can't stand penny pinching men, where you have to be wondering whether they can afford to feed you...

 

[Bunny77]

I totally agree. I mean, once you're on the date, doing the walk in the park thing, or the free museum, you're bound to work up an appetite, right?? Then what?? You have to go your separate ways because the guy isn't willing to buy lunch/dinner/drinks?? That's ridiculous... I can't stand penny pinching men, where you have to be wondering whether they can afford to feed you...

Good points.

I went on a free date recently to the Winter Blast in downtown Detroit (think of it as a winter festival kind of thing).

It was very cool, lots of fun and we walked around and talked... then we got hungry. We went to a restaurant, had some appetizers and a drink or two. He paid.

So even the "free" date eventually cost money. Unless you're only walking around for an hour, you're going to work up an appetite and it's going to be lunch/dinner time eventually anyway.

No matter how you cut it, the time will come when some form of payment has to be made on a date!

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

The other point aside from what Bunny raised is that those dates.....do have value. Just because your ex did not pay for them, does not mean that to do those kinds of things one does not need money to do so.

A walk in the park is free no matter who is doing it. The dinners you describe cost SOMEBODY money whether it was your boyfriend's boss, his company, or his momma. Just because he didn't pay for it, does not mean that someone else didn't.

I don't think one has to spend a certain amount of money but I would not do repeated walks in the park type dates either.

Right, right. I completely agree. My listing of those activities was to demonstrate that sometimes a "free" date for someone can still have value - whether it's something that's cool and free or something that's very intimate (walk in the park on a spring day) and free.

To answer an earlier question, we actually were not quite boyfriend and girlfriend for two of those events. The thing with his boss, yes (cuz you don't introduce just anyone to your boss). But the other things, no.

As far as guys being "cheap" on dates, I have to say that this has rarely really been a problem for me. I tend to have fairly casual expectations for "courting" purposes. The most important thing to me is that the guy is making an effort to get to know me and engage in meaningful experiences which will facilitate that. What he spends to do that really isn't that much of an issue. As far as financial indicators of whether or not he'll be able to take care of me, I instead look at how he lives his life as I get to know him - does he seem to spend his money wisely? does he have a stable career that he seems to enjoy? does he have a clear picture of what he wants?

The last time I ran into any kind of "cheap" issue with a guy was last year when after a pleasant first date at a nice wine bar in the East Village, this dude wanted our second date to be a Blockbuster night at my place. I knew something was up with that BS because he was a HEDGE FUND MANAGER. While I was not expecting dinner at Per Se or Masa, I was definitely expecting to move on to a decent dinner date. I flat out asked him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing trying to come over to my place when I JUST met you?" and he finally admitted that he was looking for a "fling" and not just a "thing." I told him to forget about it.

In that instance, it wasn't so much about him being cheap as him wanting some easy ass. NOOOOO thank you! LOL!

 

[Bunny77]

In that instance, it wasn't so much about him being cheap as him wanting some easy ass. NOOOOO thank you! LOL!

Actually, I think this is the underlying point that we're all trying to make here!

In the original situation, the dude WAS spending money on other women, but not on RedRiot. And I know women who will say, "Oh, my man is broke," but he can find money when he wants to hang out with his boys or if he meets a woman who he considers for more than a fling!

Most of these men are not really broke -- they just want easy ass, as you said. The ones who are truly broke (and for good reason) will find a way to keep costs down, but still make you feel valued and they will spend the little money they have wisely when you do go out on some dates.

And I agree that your guy taking you to those dinners early in the game showed that he was thinking about you in a positive way because people at those events DO talk... and men don't just take anybody to them!

Also, I haven't really had a problem with this either, as I don't entertain men who suggest going to their home as a "date." They just stop calling me after that!

 

[Syrah]

...even if you two have a good time otherwise? I'm talking about the first few dates. Let's say he suggests taking you to a museum or a stroll through an exotic garden. But what if it happens to be on free admission day? How about you two go see a movie he has free passes to? What if he takes you out to eat at a restaurant that he happens to have a "comp" for? What about a first date at a park where he brings a homemade meal for two?

I'm speaking of the first couple of dates where you two are just now getting to know one another. More than likely you're both probably seeing other people as well at this stage.

How would you feel about this?

Just curiosity.

No. I had a dude (actually a good friend from college) once take me hiking through the Hollywood Hills and then to what is now my second favorite taco spot in LA - tacos were $1.50 a piece. So he probably spent all of $10 the whole day. But we had a ball. Playing "what if" and "which would you rather have/do", discussing hip hop and movies etc.

What happened to that relationship?? I messed it up.

Women who equate the quality of the date with the amount spent trip me out. Kinda like the chicks who sit up in here talking about how they wouldn't accept less than a x carat ring. If you're the girl a man really wants to be with, he'll break his neck to keep you smiling and as a result you wouldn't have to put stupid requirements out there. Trust that he's already surpassing those goals. And truth be told, if a man you truly love is on bended knee asking sincerely for you to be his for the rest of HIS life, are you really going to sit there and question his devotion because he went for a 1 carat ring, and a down payment on a house rather than a 3 carat ring and the apartment you've been living in?!?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

No. I had a dude (actually a good friend from college) once take me hiking through the Hollywood Hills and then to what is now my second favorite taco spot in LA - tacos were $1.50 a piece. So he probably spent all of $10 the whole day. But we had a ball. Playing "what if" and "which would you rather have/do", discussing hip hop and movies etc.

What happened to that relationship?? I messed it up.

Women who equate the quality of the date with the amount spent trip me out. Kinda like the chicks who sit up in here talking about how they wouldn't accept less than a x carat ring. If you're the girl a man really wants to be with, he'll break his neck to keep you smiling and as a result you wouldn't have to put stupid requirements out there. Trust that he's already surpassing those goals. And truth be told, if a man you truly love is on bended knee asking sincerely for you to be his for the rest of HIS life, are you really going to sit there and question his devotion because he went for a 1 carat ring, and a down payment on a house rather than a 3 carat ring and the apartment you've been living in?!?

Well no one here is saying a guy should spend a fortune. I don't even like expensive restaurants. Around these parts it is common for a guy to take a girl out on the town or a walk on the river, and hit up a little Barbecue place for good eats and blues music. The date in all shouldn't cost more than $25, probably more if we add alcohol. But still, I wouldn't expect a man to take me to an expensive bistro...I'm really not into that.

And I'm not sure about the ring deal, that isn't a topic we're discussing.