here is a long illustrative anecdote that you may feel free to skip; keep scrolling i'll tell you when
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last weekend i took my nieces to the museum. one is a tween the other is post-toddler. the last time i tried to spend the day with them, my niece refused to be separated from her mom and cried so badly i had her picked back up. but shes a year older now, and when my sister dropped them off, i psyched her up with a positive attitude about the fun we would have, so that she wouldn't be a brat.
she was having a fantastic time for awhile, but after a couple of hours she was getting hungry and tired and irritable. she kept plopping over onto benches and sprawling out to emphasize this point
by the time she refused to walk and started taking off her shoes, i knew it was time to leave. but i was a little too late because now she was tantruming. she sat down and refused to walk because she wanted to be carried. i knew my sister would have picked her up to avoid a scene, but thats how she got so spoiled in the first place. so i waited it out, even though she was beginning to escalate and people were looking. i put her shoes back on her and gripped her by the arm as we walked by the my car. i was not going to carry her. she did not want to walk, but shes a baby. shes not in control here and she cant bully me with bad behavior.
in the privacy of the parking garage, i knelt down to her and said "i dont appreciate what you just did and it was not cute at all." her eyes filled with tears and she wouldnt make eye contact because she understood why she was being scolded. i told her "i want you to say sorry so we can be friends again." she still would not look at me. "do you want to be friends again?" i asked. she nodded her crybaby little face, and i said "say sorry and give me a hug and we can be friends again." she gave me a hug and i kissed the top of her forehead and all was well.
but you know what... my urge had been... frankly, to hurt her. to put her in a child's place. to be harsh and strict so that she knew it was wrong to be embarrassing and bad and sit on the ground in public and take her shoes off and refuse to put them on and try to flex a child's will on an adult. to be unforgiving and yell at her and shame her and make her feel bad and basically go toe to toe with someone a third my size. that might sound crazy, but it might have been the case that i had no other tools in my toolbox for dealing with a child's tantrum. that's how it goes in my family. nobody backs down first. but is it going to go so far that i wont back down to a TODDLER? is there really pride that has to be swallowed when dealing with a CHILD?
that was kind of eye opening for me. that i actually had to step outside of my comfort zone to be patient and loving and understanding when someone was doing something wrong. that my reflex had been to overpower instead of compromise. that my urge had been to respond with harshness instead of love. to decide there was nothing to be gained in "letting her know" she couldn't act that way with me, and maybe she would understand if i talked to her instead.
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ok you can read now
i say all this to say ive known for awhile now that i was raised with certain behaviors that id have to unlearn if i wanted to have open and reciprocal relationships with others. fundamentally im never really going to change who i am, but i can make an effort to recognise behaviors that hurt and push others away, and ways that i can be more agreeable.
all that said, i dont do much fighting in my relationships. my ex once described me as "nicer than other girls he dated" which blew my mind because generally errrr people tend not to describe me as "nice"
its not that i have to hide my feelings or won't speak up when i feel it's necessary... its maybe that i dont care for emasculating men. if there is a disagreement or something that is happening that shouldnt, or something that isnt happening that should be, my approach is to address it in a way that is centered in his masculinity. cutting him down or insulting him or being nasty and vindictive isnt going to make him feel good as a man.
for awhile i was being so careful to be "friendly," "polite," and "agreeable" that i think it removed some of my natural charm. i was having the opposite problem where men weren't interested because i wasn't "spicy" enough. so i had to find the right balance of being resistant enough to show i had a backbone and not being so resistant that it's oppressive.
if you are finding it hard to stomach (literally) the idea of keeping your feelings inside, maybe try to approach them with emasculation in mind. you can share your feelings (not "making your feelings be known") but is it going to diminish his manhood? is it going to be expressed oppressively? speaking your mind doesn't mean impressing your will on others. so maybe look at it as offering what you have on the table and not forcing it down his throat.
erplexed
. However, as I stated before being better than that wasn't good enough. I now feel like I'm empowered to move forward and really be the person/ wife I've wanted to be.
