Do you know how to talk to YOUR man?

Southernbella. said:
You know I know of what I speak.:look:

And it's in keeping with the no brothers/fatherly interaction thing you mentioned. I know I've said this before but my dd is already so much better than I was at relating to boys and men. She has a father and a grouchy little brother so she has it down pat.

I had to unlearn what I knew and then learn new ways to communicate. The sarcasm had to go (outside of being playful), the snappy comebacks, the lashing out, the eyerolling, the last wording...none of it works in an adult relationship. Teenage boys thought it was cute but grown men? Nah.
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This post just reminded me of a situation that happened yesterday with my brother.

Men are so gotdamn passive aggressive in their communication. They get upset with us just like we get upset with them. The worst thing you can do is try to talk to a man when it's not the right time/right place/righ circumstance to talk to him. If you want to be heard, you need to give men a chance to hear you. All of this requires conscious thought, self restraint and self-awareness, as well as confidence, to know that you can communicate your point across effectively and accurately even if youre not able to do it on spot.

Anyway, so there was a minor incident with my brother yesterday that happened while he was digging my car out of the snow where I felt that he was rude, dismissive and ignoring me. It kinda hurt my feelings and I was furious about it. The worst thing I could have done was express myself right then and there. The best thing for me to do was let it go. so I didnt go to bed angry nor did I wake up angry when I saw him this morning on his way to class. At the same time, the issue is not dropped. He needs to know that I was upset with him and that will happen probably tomorrow or beforenthe end of the weekend when I will discuss it with him. Tonight is bad timing because he works and will have been in class all day---so he wont listen today which would cause me to waste my breath. But Saturday, however, when I've had time to plan exactly what I want to say will likely lead to a positive resolution because I will be calm and confidendent in my words, he can hear me since it's a relaxed day and there will be fewer emotion fueled words being thrown since I have already left that in the past by letting it go yesterday. :yep:
 
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Thank you for answering my question OP. There is some awesome advice in this thread and if I can add...Just because something CAN be said, doesn't mean that is SHOULD be said ESPECIALLY to your man.

What you view as an opinion can be seen as harsh criticism by him. Be honest, be open, but also be aware of the fact that your words hold weight and should be used for the greater good of the both of you, not just your need to express youself. Also...don't be so hard on yourself. Ask for patience from your partner and be patient for yourself.
 
Practice.

The way I talk and relate to people now is so different. This is people in general. Growing up, I've always had a "hot mouth". Around the age of 15 my mother told me about it and how it would affect me in the long run and it's something that I have practiced controlling. Also I let a lot of things go and do not hold internal anger.

However, sometimes I do trip off :look:
 
I think we forget that words can really be hurtful to men just as much as women. Men are just as emotional as women but they seem to internalize things more so than women. Women are open to talking to their friends/family about emotional matters.

It's okay to disagree but you have to always be fair. My favorite aunt would never directly tell my uncle that his idea wasn't going to work or that it was silly. Instead, she would offer suggestions for him to tweak whatever it was he planned. He always took her suggestions, even when it came down to grilling something or making a home repair. She had a way of making him think all of his ideas were his own, although she had planted those ideas in his head. She was a very religious, praying woman although in her younger days not so much.
 
naturalmanenyc I totally agree and I'm such an insensitive woman and he's an EXTREMELY sensitive man, but pretends to be tough. I guess that's all of them. It just takes the right woman to bring walls down...but I don't want to tear him down in the process. I'm already better this week. He asked who have I been talking too because Ive done a 180. ❤️
 
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TwistedRoots said:
naturalmanenyc I totally agree and I'm such an insensitive woman and he's an EXTREMELY sensitive man, but pretends to be tough. I guess that's all of them. It just takes the right woman to bring walls down...but I don't want to turn him down in the process. I'm already better this week. He asked who have I been talking too because Ive done a 180. ❤️
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I'm so glad you're already making positive changes!
Yeah, I'm not all that sensitive either. My personality is ENTJ which is basically Alpha Male.
 
I like the advice given. I also wonder what is it that you are talking about with him when you get snappy? Sometimes people react to repetitive issues...and it doesn't matter if you wait to discuss, speak softly or ignore him, the same underlying issues come up time and time again. Over time, that can wear on you and make you more snappy.

That said, two books that helped me to open my "eyes" to underlying issues in my relationship (past and present) are:

1) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

2) Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Both books are based on the notion that we are all different, whether our differences are by gender or by values. Those differences are not right/wrong but simply different on a level playing field. They will help you to understand compatability as well. I *highly* suggest you read both books.


___________

One example. I once dated a guy who was well-educated, single, no kids, smart as a whip, successful, etc. He always wanted to spend time together. ALWAYS. Like date night every night up in my face at various events. It's a weird thing to complain about until you realize two things about me: 1) I am an introvert and I need me time and 2) my primary love language is acts of service and I strongly dislike quality time to the point of not appreciating it. We argued about silly stuff that while they were not repetitive on the surface, they always revolved around the same underlying issue. Eventually I had to let that brotha go! We were too incompatible and it was too much work to make us more compatible bc one of us would always have to work harder against our inherent nature (usually moi). That may not be your case but it is an example of why I had to have unnecessary discussions in that relationship in the first place thus causing me to become snappy at different points.
 
Men act tough but they have very, very fragile egos. Especially with someone who they are vulnerable with like a lover. You have great power to build up a man or destroy him. That whole behind every successful man is a woman is true.
 
Read the Proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. laura. I do not agree with all she says but she really knows how to teach you to soften how you deal with your man.
 
Holla Giiiirrrrl I SO FEEL you on your post. Several of the issues you hit on were actually the very key to things that I go through...However, several issues were my fault and you better believe he's implementing changes as well. We are team building.
 
With one of my exes, if so,etching was bothering me I never said anything till I got mad at blew all the way up. We broke up without me telling him what was wrong and he told me I had to give home a chance to fix it. So it started voicing my opinion

With my ex husband, I used to call him everything but a child of God. I used to cuss him out any everything. I would say everything on my mind regardless of how it made him feel. I realized that wasn't right.

My last ex, I used to say everything on my mind, regardless of how it made him feel. I didn't call him out his name as much as my ex, and I didn't really call him out of his name unless he had really pissed me off. That was wrong too.

My current, I cuss at him, but only when he brings me there. I don't or try not to call him out his name. I would say everything that came to mind and I HAD to say it, regardless of how he felt about it. He would get pissed and I would try to drive home my point. We got into a really big argument and he said sometimes you have to learn how to let stuff roll off your back. Everything don't have to be said. I now pick my arguments with him and it has gotten better.
 
TwistedRoots said:
naturalmanenyc We are the same person. LOL I get called that often by a male friend of mine. :lachen: He says he doesn't know how I got a man...:look:
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:lachen: Yeah, I get that a lot, that I "act like a due" or I'm not "a regular girl". I'm always a work in progress in my personal life, although not my work life. I prefer that my colleagues know not to bother me with nonsense that isn't supported by facts or tell me long, drawn out stories with too much detail. I'm a be brief, be bright, be gone person. However, I'm not that way in my personal life, which takes work.
 
barbiesocialite said:
This post just reminded me of a situation that happened yesterday with my brother.

Men are so gotdamn passive aggressive in their communication. They get upset with us just like we get upset with them. The worst thing you can do is try to talk to a man when it's not the right time/right place/righ circumstance to talk to him. If you want to be heard, you need to give men a chance to hear you. All of this requires conscious thought, self restraint and self-awareness, as well as confidence, to know that you can communicate your point across effectively and accurately even if youre not able to do it on spot.

Anyway, so there was a minor incident with my brother yesterday that happened while he was digging my car out of the snow where I felt that he was rude, dismissive and ignoring me. It kinda hurt my feelings and I was furious about it. The worst thing I could have done was express myself right then and there. The best thing for me to do was let it go. so I didnt go to bed angry nor did I wake up angry when I saw him this morning on his way to class. At the same time, the issue is not dropped. He needs to know that I was upset with him and that will happen probably tomorrow or beforenthe end of the weekend when I will discuss it with him. Tonight is bad timing because he works and will have been in class all day---so he wont listen today which would cause me to waste my breath. But Saturday, however, when I've had time to plan exactly what I want to say will likely lead to a positive resolution because I will be calm and confidendent in my words, he can hear me since it's a relaxed day and there will be fewer emotion fueled words being thrown since I have already left that in the past by letting it go yesterday. :yep:
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well that went well :hug2:


1 man down, 1 to go....

He's in his feelings and a bit irritated with me--kinda rightfully so. Gonna have to handle this in increments. Probably going to take me til the end of next week to get this cleared up :ohwell:

*deep breath*

ugh why are men so sensitive. so damn emotional sometimes. :wallbash:

this will be a tough one since I've been putting it off. I hate arguing. He seems to love it. I don't like unpleasant discussion or nagging. Sometimes he never stfu. The man loves to discuss everything. WHY?!?! It's really hard for me not to be an ice queen and shut down. But sometimes it pays to be a witty woman I'm going to have to think of humorous creative ways to tell him he's an arsehole w/o hurting extra fragile ego and having to deal with his snarky side comments.:look: I will not be the only bad guy here. I messed up but he's still a dick that owes me an apology among other things. :drunk:....

Glad this thread exists. I think I might need to brush up on FW myself. It's been a minute but reinforcements never hurt....
 
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barbiesocialite Giiiiiiirrrrrl. He likes to discuss EVERYTHING too? I realized mine just likes to talk and I let him. He's so dramatic... Its like he got how to present feelings from a movie... I can't. Lol but nonetheless I listen and now my actions coincide with what he's telling me. I have to reread these comments... Yall I'm so smooth these days. He gets no lip from me. I'm finding my inner peace and he's rewarding me for it.
 
CaraWalker said:
here is a long illustrative anecdote that you may feel free to skip; keep scrolling i'll tell you when :lol:

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last weekend i took my nieces to the museum. one is a tween the other is post-toddler. the last time i tried to spend the day with them, my niece refused to be separated from her mom and cried so badly i had her picked back up. but shes a year older now, and when my sister dropped them off, i psyched her up with a positive attitude about the fun we would have, so that she wouldn't be a brat.

she was having a fantastic time for awhile, but after a couple of hours she was getting hungry and tired and irritable. she kept plopping over onto benches and sprawling out to emphasize this point :lol: by the time she refused to walk and started taking off her shoes, i knew it was time to leave. but i was a little too late because now she was tantruming. she sat down and refused to walk because she wanted to be carried. i knew my sister would have picked her up to avoid a scene, but thats how she got so spoiled in the first place. so i waited it out, even though she was beginning to escalate and people were looking. i put her shoes back on her and gripped her by the arm as we walked by the my car. i was not going to carry her. she did not want to walk, but shes a baby. shes not in control here and she cant bully me with bad behavior.

in the privacy of the parking garage, i knelt down to her and said "i dont appreciate what you just did and it was not cute at all." her eyes filled with tears and she wouldnt make eye contact because she understood why she was being scolded. i told her "i want you to say sorry so we can be friends again." she still would not look at me. "do you want to be friends again?" i asked. she nodded her crybaby little face, and i said "say sorry and give me a hug and we can be friends again." she gave me a hug and i kissed the top of her forehead and all was well.

but you know what... my urge had been... frankly, to hurt her. to put her in a child's place. to be harsh and strict so that she knew it was wrong to be embarrassing and bad and sit on the ground in public and take her shoes off and refuse to put them on and try to flex a child's will on an adult. to be unforgiving and yell at her and shame her and make her feel bad and basically go toe to toe with someone a third my size. that might sound crazy, but it might have been the case that i had no other tools in my toolbox for dealing with a child's tantrum. that's how it goes in my family. nobody backs down first. but is it going to go so far that i wont back down to a TODDLER? is there really pride that has to be swallowed when dealing with a CHILD?

that was kind of eye opening for me. that i actually had to step outside of my comfort zone to be patient and loving and understanding when someone was doing something wrong. that my reflex had been to overpower instead of compromise. that my urge had been to respond with harshness instead of love. to decide there was nothing to be gained in "letting her know" she couldn't act that way with me, and maybe she would understand if i talked to her instead.
----------------

ok you can read now :lol:

i say all this to say ive known for awhile now that i was raised with certain behaviors that id have to unlearn if i wanted to have open and reciprocal relationships with others. fundamentally im never really going to change who i am, but i can make an effort to recognise behaviors that hurt and push others away, and ways that i can be more agreeable.

all that said, i dont do much fighting in my relationships. my ex once described me as "nicer than other girls he dated" which blew my mind because generally errrr people tend not to describe me as "nice" :lol: its not that i have to hide my feelings or won't speak up when i feel it's necessary... its maybe that i dont care for emasculating men. if there is a disagreement or something that is happening that shouldnt, or something that isnt happening that should be, my approach is to address it in a way that is centered in his masculinity. cutting him down or insulting him or being nasty and vindictive isnt going to make him feel good as a man.

for awhile i was being so careful to be "friendly," "polite," and "agreeable" that i think it removed some of my natural charm. i was having the opposite problem where men weren't interested because i wasn't "spicy" enough. so i had to find the right balance of being resistant enough to show i had a backbone and not being so resistant that it's oppressive.

if you are finding it hard to stomach (literally) the idea of keeping your feelings inside, maybe try to approach them with emasculation in mind. you can share your feelings (not "making your feelings be known") but is it going to diminish his manhood? is it going to be expressed oppressively? speaking your mind doesn't mean impressing your will on others. so maybe look at it as offering what you have on the table and not forcing it down his throat.
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CaraWalker, lovely post! ITA, once I stopped emasculating DH our relationship soared to a different level. I am very playful and flirtatious with him (because I enjoy being that way with him) but I still express my displeasure respectfully when I feel inclined to.
 
TwistedRoots said:
I've ALWAYS talked "crazy" to EVERYONE. I'm an opinionated sharp shooter who shoots straight from the hip. If you can't tell already that has become a HUGE problem in my relationship. Its probably been a problem in failed relationships too but no one ever brought it up. Now I'm with the man I'm going to marry and I find it hard to not be outspoken and my tone is generally abrasive which I really hate. I want to change, but when I bite my tongue my stomach hurts... seriously hurts. I try to keep the peace...because I'm suppose to be his peace but it aggravates me. He's brought this up several times with the "I don't know who you think I am, but thats not going to work" type convos. Now when I don't speak on something he prys for my opinion, but if its negative I don't want to share because I don't know how to change my tone. Not speaking "kills" me, but I don't want to come off disrespectful. Was anyone like that? Still like that? Did you change it, if so how? Are you trying to change it, if not why? If you're not like that at all... How do you deal?

P.S. When I say "talk crazy" I mean I say what I have to say regardless of how it sounds or who it affects.
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Whoa!! I felt like I wrote this! Great thread and great advice. I'm working on this as well but unfortunately it hasn't been going that great. My bf is VERY passive aggressive while I just don't care and will let you know exactly how I'm feeling. I've seen the way the two main women in his life before me (his mom and sister) talk to him with so much softness and see why he gets thrown when I just let loose. I can see the disappoint in his face (which makes me sad) and I know he stays bc he loves me but l know we can't sustain a healthy relationship if it continues. I feel like I don't say anything I get ran over and become the punching bag...like some of the women in my family.
 
sky_blu YOU KNOW!!!!!! My advice to you is that if he's a good man pray about it and make a conscious decision to soften your attitude and know that his intentions are not to hurt you. It's taking a lot of effort for me to follow that advice but it's so much better than the adverse. Only stand for what you truly believe in and we can do that with tact... Girl I know it's hard I struggle everyday but I'm learning to manage it and it will all get better with time. However if you truly feel like you're bending over backwards then maybe you should reevaluate yourself in your relationship. What I mean is I decided this is the man Im going to marry so I'm no longer bending but I'm breaking habits that are causing problems it's not easy but necessary.
 
When I was younger I used to be really sweet and rarely complained. As I got older I got meaner. Sometimes too mean because I wanted to be heard dammit :look:. I think sometimes all that anger is about fear, fear of not getting our needs met and fear of not really being loved. I'm doing more like barbiesocialite said and praising things I like and just STFU when I'm pissed and it is hard to STFU. I try to focus on what I'm really feeling when I'm pissed off. The other thing is that if we keep repeating the same ish we are essentially begging the person to do what we want. Why? Quit begging. You know, in most situations you ask for something a couple times, the person doesn't comply, and you move on. But nooo, with a man we are intimate with, we keep talking and talking. We need to stfu and really really be willing to leave if the person one, doesn't want to satisfy our needs, or two, simply isn't compatible with us. We have to believe deep in our hearts that our needs matter (are not silly, frivolous, too demanding) and that there is someone on this earth of billions of people who will want to and will try to meet them. It is crazy how silence works so much better than talking and talking, complaining, and fussing. And I believe it's not just the silence, it's what's behind it. If you are giving someone the silent treatment to teach them a lesson, that is not the same as being silent because you are acknowledging your hurt feelings and disappointment, reminding yourself how lovable you are, and are weighing your options.

I guess what I'm thinking is all this anger really isn't about our guys, it's about us. I mean, yes, they can be annoying but our reaction is doing too much. That's what we need to address.
 
CaraWalker that was a beautifully written anecdote.

For the OP it will likely be an issue you will constantly monitor and that's not a bad thing. There are major things that help like getting over any anger you have in general, as another poster mentioned. But then men in general can be so dumb in one moment that you'll momentarily relapse and want to go off and check him. But you're on the right track and I know y'all will be a sure thing simply from the fact that you've swallowed your pride to address the issue.

One thing that has helped me when dealing with SO is realizing that anger is a result of feeling fear from having my boundary lines crossed. I think I read that in the calling in the one book. But, now when I'm angry I like to step back and see what do I need to do to feel safe again. If it's minor and I can handle it on my own, I can get over it quickly. The point is the remedy to that anger is to reestablish my boundaries in the situation. Honestly, 85% of the time that is a solely internal process as it's usually my ego is bruised or I realize my limits were set too low for some reason. But if is something that needs to be communicated I'm able to do that clearly and get to the root of the issue better.
 
hopeful said:
When I was younger I used to be really sweet and rarely complained. As I got older I got meaner. Sometimes too mean because I wanted to be heard dammit :look:. I think sometimes all that anger is about fear, fear of not getting our needs met and fear of not really being loved. I'm doing more like barbiesocialite said and praising things I like and just STFU when I'm pissed and it is hard to STFU. I try to focus on what I'm really feeling when I'm pissed off. The other thing is that if we keep repeating the same ish we are essentially begging the person to do what we want. Why? Quit begging. You know, in most situations you ask for something a couple times, the person doesn't comply, and you move on. But nooo, with a man we are intimate with, we keep talking and talking. We need to stfu and really really be willing to leave if the person one, doesn't want to satisfy our needs, or two, simply isn't compatible with us. We have to believe deep in our hearts that our needs matter (are not silly, frivolous, too demanding) and that there is someone on this earth of billions of people who will want to and will try to meet them. It is crazy how silence works so much better than talking and talking, complaining, and fussing. And I believe it's not just the silence, it's what's behind it. If you are giving someone the silent treatment to teach them a lesson, that is not the same as being silent because you are acknowledging your hurt feelings and disappointment, reminding yourself how lovable you are, and are weighing your options. I guess what I'm thinking is all this anger really isn't about our guys, it's about us. I mean, yes, they can be annoying but our reaction is doing too much. That's what we need to address.
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I still don't know any better, but I'm learning if that makes sense! Lol
 
hopeful said:
When I was younger I used to be really sweet and rarely complained. As I got older I got meaner. Sometimes too mean because I wanted to be heard dammit :look:. I think sometimes all that anger is about fear, fear of not getting our needs met and fear of not really being loved. I'm doing more like @barbiesocialite said and praising things I like and just STFU when I'm pissed and it is hard to STFU. I try to focus on what I'm really feeling when I'm pissed off. The other thing is that if we keep repeating the same ish we are essentially begging the person to do what we want. Why? Quit begging. You know, in most situations you ask for something a couple times, the person doesn't comply, and you move on. But nooo, with a man we are intimate with, we keep talking and talking. We need to stfu and really really be willing to leave if the person one, doesn't want to satisfy our needs, or two, simply isn't compatible with us. We have to believe deep in our hearts that our needs matter (are not silly, frivolous, too demanding) and that there is someone on this earth of billions of people who will want to and will try to meet them. It is crazy how silence works so much better than talking and talking, complaining, and fussing. And I believe it's not just the silence, it's what's behind it. If you are giving someone the silent treatment to teach them a lesson, that is not the same as being silent because you are acknowledging your hurt feelings and disappointment, reminding yourself how lovable you are, and are weighing your options.

I guess what I'm thinking is all this anger really isn't about our guys, it's about us. I mean, yes, they can be annoying but our reaction is doing too much. That's what we need to address.
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This is me in a nutshell. I've always tended to be a pretty soft-hearted person, don't like conflict, fairly accomodating (d@mn Pisces moon) but that ish will get you walked over and have you bottling up feelings while other people walk around just fine.

So as i've gotten older, I've gotten better about speaking out, but I do know that sometimes I can go over the top out of defensiveness or a need to make sure that my needs aren't put in a position to be trampled on. it's a tough balancing act. I'm still learning.

I can admit too that I have a tendency to eliminate people from my life rather than deal with them. Sometimes that's necessary. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe not so much.

Incidentally, this conversation reminds me of this conflict style assessment that we had to take in training. reading those results made a lot of sense to me.
 
sky_blu said:
My bf is VERY passive aggressive while I just don't care and will let you know exactly how I'm feeling. I've seen the way the two main women in his life before me (his mom and sister) talk to him with so much softness and see why he gets thrown when I just let loose. I can see the disappoint in his face (which makes me sad) and I know he stays bc he loves me but l know we can't sustain a healthy relationship if it continues. I feel like I don't say anything I get ran over and become the punching bag...like some of the women in my family.
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Yeah, this is what made me stop and pay attention to my communication style. He can be on the phone with his mom, not five feet away, and I can barely hear him. When I'm on the phone with my mother, the whole house knows it! :lol:

And it's not just volume. My family debates. His family agrees. :spinning: I'm aggressive and he's not. I make my wishes clear and he doesn't. I'm working on this with him and we're both recalibrating. (This is hard, I'm really earning my 'woman behind the man' points with this one. :rolleyes: :lol:)

Good thread. :yep:
 
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