Do you know how to talk to YOUR man?

[Kookookiwi]

Please don't quote the third paragraph. Wow this is a thread I really needed. I struggle with this snapping in almost all of my truly intimate relationships ( mom, and SO mainly.)

For me, not only am I quick to cut if I feel hurt, disrespected, or like I was cut first but I CANNOT let things go. I mean I'll KNOW it's not getting anywhere. I'll know I need to walk away, it's probably not that serious, we should agree to disagree etc. but it builds and builds in my chest until I'm snapping on it or even snapping on it multiple times. As in I'll walk away to cool off and still come back!

I just wish I knew how to be soft and feminine. Not in appearance but energy and personality. I'm so hard but I don't know how not to be. My mom is as capable, practical, and even stoic as they come.barbiesocialite could you send me those books as well?

 

[Kookookiwi]

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[PeaceFlow]

I used to really avoid conflict with people by using silence or cutting people out without explanation. If I did voice something it came out with a defensiveness that I didn't feel able to control, so I just avoided it.

Things are a lot better post communication therapy. There is so much power in having the courage to be authentic (which often times can include vulnerability), but at the same time not feeling weak.

Initially I addressed it for the sake of my relationship, but it has actually improved the way I feel in myself and had a positive impact in many areas of my life.

 

[Maracujá]

This is me in a nutshell. I've always tended to be a pretty soft-hearted person, don't like conflict, fairly accomodating (d@mn Pisces moon) but that ish will get you walked over and have you bottling up feelings while other people walk around just fine.

So as i've gotten older, I've gotten better about speaking out, but I do know that sometimes I can go over the top out of defensiveness or a need to make sure that my needs aren't put in a position to be trampled on. it's a tough balancing act. I'm still learning.

I can admit too that I have a tendency to eliminate people from my life rather than deal with them. Sometimes that's necessary. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe not so much.

Incidentally, this conversation reminds me of this conflict style assessment that we had to take in training. reading those results made a lot of sense to me.

I'd love to take an assessment like that.

 

[okange76]

I was chatting with one of my GF on the train to work today and she is going through this same thing. The difference is, she on the other extreme to the point of being child like. She sulks and pouts and withdraws in total silence or gives one word responses when she is upset. This can last up to a week.The poor man is left at a loss as to what he did or how to fix the situation.

She told me that her friends have told her she needs to stop giving that man unnecessary grief. I told her that he is not a mind reader. You have to learn to speak to him and let him know when your feelings are hurt. Being silent is just as bad as being too blunt. She said she talked to her priest during confession and he helped her decide to give up that behavior for Lent in addition to all the standard stuff that is normally given up. She is consciously working on speaking to him and letting him know where her head is.

 

[TwistedRoots]

okange76 I think mine would appreciate the silence.

 

[divachyk]

okange76, I totally agree pouting is not an effective form of communication and men are not mind readers. The silence I speak of comes after my feelings have been stated or made known in some way. There is no need to nag or constantly restate the obvious. Nagging has proved to be highly ineffective in my life.

ETA: your friend should state her feelings and expectations first and then give blunt answers if he's deserving of them.

 

[okange76]

okange76, I totally agree pouting is not an effective form of communication and men are not mind readers. The silence I speak of comes after my feelings have been stated or made known in some way. There is no need to nag or constantly restate the obvious. Nagging has proved to be highly ineffective in my life.

ETA: your friend should state her feelings and expectations first and then give blunt answers if he's deserving of them.

At least you are silent after you have spoken. For her, she doesn't say a word. She just closes up and glares at him. When he asks her " How would you feel if I did the same to you?" Her response is "Men are not allowed to do the same things that women do." She also hits him on the arm in frustration and He asks the same question and gets the exact same response every time. She looked so ashamed and I felt so bad for her. She loves him dearly and is really regretting her actions.

 

[divachyk]

At least you are silent after you have spoken. For her, she doesn't say a word. She just closes up and glares at him. When he asks her " How would you feel if I did the same to you?" Her response is "Men are not allowed to do the same things that women do." She also hits him on the arm in frustration and He asks the same question and gets the exact same response every time. She looked so ashamed and I felt so bad for her. She loves him dearly and is really regretting her actions.

okange76,
I truly hope your friend is able to resolve whatever causes her to respond this way.

 

[JustifiablyMe]

Wow, this thread is a hidden gem!

Finding balance is what I'm struggling with. I was a complete doormat and very passive when I was younger (and still am in some ways). Now that I'm older, I feel like I've taken it to the opposite extreme as a defense mechanism; even when it's not needed. And my attempts at being witty are starting to come across as combative. It's like I'm always trying to one up someone or prove how smart I am or something and the end result is usually the opposite of what I hoped for.

A perfect example would be just yesterday. I received a text from someone I have been dying to hear from for awhile but haven't. Long story short, the conversation ended in him saying, sorry to bother you. erplexed Now that I'm reading the messages back, I was so defensive and combative. Had I found a gentler way of expressing my displeasure with not hearing from him for so long but still let him know that I was happy he reached out, the conversation could have ended much differently.

 

[TwistedRoots]

JustifiablyMe yea my "wit" comes off as combative as well not to mention Im ridiculously sarcastic. Being precautious is helping me... I know that I have these issues so I'm a bit more mindful to correct them.

 

[Shiks]

I needed this.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and I feel my 'mean' attitude comes from not wanting to be hurt and treated like that again.I am finding protecting myself doesn't necessarily mean clapping back but taking the time to only allow people that respect me into my life. I took a 2 year dating break to address those issues and have recently had a lot of breakthroughs. I try to make my friends feel loved and reaffirmed when with me and I am trying to be vulnerable. My first attempt ended in tears which I hate because I feel too many women use tears as a weapon but he appreciated my honesty. I hope it gets easier when I find people worthy of that.

Learning to be less hard is an interesting process.I have been told I am a guy in a girl's body and I am not very sensitive so sometimes stuff that would not hurt me gets said and hurts others. Not intentional at all.

I am turning into this happy airy person I barely recognize. I had an interaction with someone where I was cracking jokes for 2 hours and just being very feminine. I thought barbiesocialite would be proud.

 

[Mai Tai]

@okange76, I totally agree pouting is not an effective form of communication and men are not mind readers. The silence I speak of comes after my feelings have been stated or made known in some way. There is no need to nag or constantly restate the obvious. Nagging has proved to be highly ineffective in my life.

ETA: your friend should state her feelings and expectations first and then give blunt answers if he's deserving of them.

I am finding this to be soooooooooo effective.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Yes I did for the most part. He just didnt know how to talk to me.