yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately I was fired, did not have any problems at my job until all of this started with him, my unemployment was denied. I have appealled and am looking for another job, but I have to say I am overwhelmed.
Divorce
- Thread starter yellagirl730
- Start date
Unfortunately I was fired, did not have any problems at my job until all of this started with him, my unemployment was denied. I have appealled and am looking for another job, but I have to say I am overwhelmed.
PeanutButterandHoney
New Member
Do you have any family to move in with?
At the VERY LEAST, I would move out (and take all my things and put them in storage) and leave him with all the bills, then I'd go downtown and apply for child support.
Get you some emergency benefits (foodstamps, medical, child care) and apply for a loan to hire a divorce lawyer to work on your alimony.
At the VERY LEAST, I would move out (and take all my things and put them in storage) and leave him with all the bills, then I'd go downtown and apply for child support.
Get you some emergency benefits (foodstamps, medical, child care) and apply for a loan to hire a divorce lawyer to work on your alimony.
MissMeWithThatIsh
New Member
Yella,
He's still in the military right? You weren't fired at an AAFES were you? I say that because times can be hard but if you can get an AAFES job it is something
He's still in the military right? You weren't fired at an AAFES were you? I say that because times can be hard but if you can get an AAFES job it is something
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
No, he has never been in the military though I wish he had been. What's AAFES?
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
There were problems, both of us at one time or the other had said we wanted to leave, but I didn't take it seriously as people tend to say things they don't mean when angry. Maybe the saying "The drunk mouth always speaks the truth" should apply to the angry. In any case I feel like I have lost any rational thoughts and don't know what to do and end up doing nothing but crying. My family really is not here for me other than telling me to snap out of it and get myself together, while not understanding I would if I could.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. 
I can imagine all I would feel like doing is crying, too- this is hard. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. The way your DH has been treating you is emotionally abusive. Are there in women's support centers in your area? You've got to pick up the phone, start calling around and explain your situation. There has to be an agency out there somewhere that can give you some assistance. Also how long where you at your old job? I don't know if you're up for this, but about your old job... If you were there for a good while and doing good work before all this went down, maybe they can help in some way - give you references, referrals, etc. Also I would challenge the unemployment office because the severe emotional stress you were under had a lot to do with you losing your job. Maybe an advocate can help in some way. Also have you seen a doctor for stress?
Also your family does not seem to be very helpful. Are they always like this? Or do they not know everything that's going on in your life? Or are they very limited in what they can do to help? Is there something specific that they can do to help?
Well at least for now, your DH (dammed husband in this case) is paying the bills. But you really need to get the emotional support you need so that you can come up with a game plan.
Also your family does not seem to be very helpful. Are they always like this? Or do they not know everything that's going on in your life? Or are they very limited in what they can do to help? Is there something specific that they can do to help?
Well at least for now, your DH (dammed husband in this case) is paying the bills. But you really need to get the emotional support you need so that you can come up with a game plan.
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yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Update Update, He has now decided he wants to be with me after all this time. I have gone on with my life not anticipating being with him. He came home about a month ago kissed me said he loved and missed me and he should have told me a long time ago. Needless to say I was floored, he has gone on to say in no uncertain terms that he wants me back. I told him I no longer trust him and I need to think about it. This will sound strange but I am somewhat glad all of this happened, it has made me a different and better person.
MoniintheMiddle
Well-Known Member
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Thanks, but I am not going to rush into anything. I am watching and taking note of everything.
deltadreamland
Well-Known Member
Isn't this like the second or third time he's tried to "reconcile" with you?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Be careful. While he is feeling "loving" take full advantage as Southerbella suggested a few posts back. If you need a new car, get it now, need to use his insurance to get counseling or even some antidepressants, get it now, need to take a short vaca (alone) to think things through, do it now. And stockpile as much cash as possible. Prepare yourself so you won't feel so stuck. I pray you find a new job soon as well.
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Thanks so much for your advice.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You're welcome.
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
We were apart last year for a few months and he came home. I was so hoping for a reconciliation at that time but he didn't, I am now at the point that if we make it we do and if we don't thats cool to. Unsure how I feel about him, definitely don't trust him.
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Isn't this like the second or third time he's tried to "reconcile" with you?
This is the second, but I am taking it how it comes and going on with my life not putting much stock into the relationship.
There's a saying that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. You are a testament to that. His track record makes it hard to trust him. So continue to go with your instincts and look out for you and your daughter. Keeping you both in my prayers.
TLC1020
Well-Known Member
Just finish reading the whole thread and I must say wow.....
I have never been married, so I cannot advise you on what is best for you and your daughter.. What I would like to say is whatever you decide to do know that he has already shown you what he could do. What I mean is he was willing to divorce you as his wife at the drop of a dime to be with someone else. When that didn't work out like he thought it would, he wanted to come back home.. Please think about that part very carefully.
I know you love him very much and maybe he has love for you also but remember that he was willing to end it all without hesitation. That is a hard pill to swallow for any woman. You will survive and you will get stronger but you must ask God to guide you on this and reveal to you what you should do with your marriage. If you decide to work it out please keep all eyes and ears open b/c it could happen again.
I have never been married, so I cannot advise you on what is best for you and your daughter.. What I would like to say is whatever you decide to do know that he has already shown you what he could do. What I mean is he was willing to divorce you as his wife at the drop of a dime to be with someone else. When that didn't work out like he thought it would, he wanted to come back home.. Please think about that part very carefully.
I know you love him very much and maybe he has love for you also but remember that he was willing to end it all without hesitation. That is a hard pill to swallow for any woman. You will survive and you will get stronger but you must ask God to guide you on this and reveal to you what you should do with your marriage. If you decide to work it out please keep all eyes and ears open b/c it could happen again.
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
You are so right. Oprah says "when a person shows you who they are believe them". I really don't think we will recover from this as I do not feel the same about him and am unsure if I even love him. But I do know if we are not together I will be ok.
yellagirl730
Well-Known Member
Pretty good, taking it one day at a time. He and I have discussed at length if we will stay together. He claims he wants to but I am not sure, not even sure if I love him. I don't trust him and don't know if I ever will (which says alot). Thanks so much for asking.
MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
Yellagirl,
Please believe that I'm not trying to be a jerk but what do you want to do? While are on a message board spilling your heart out, are you seeing a therapist or pastor regarding your martial problems? What do you want from your husband? Do you want to work it out or do you want a divorce? You really need to decide and put your child first because this back and forth is ridiculous. Children are very observant and can feel tension between their parents. No child deserves to grow up in that type of environment. The problems going on in the household is taking a toll on your daughter believe it or not. If you want to work out your marriage then you need to forgive your husband and BOTH of you need to spend a lot of time in counseling to find out what went wrong. Your husband sounds like a pig of a man and I'm not sure if he was that way prior to marriage but it's too late to go back now. Do you want to stay married or do you not? You need to be honest about what is best for you and your child. But this back and forth and spilling your guts on a message board isn't going to resolve your martial problems. If your husband is serious about working it out, he needs to agree to go to therapy. Just talking it over or coexisting isn't going to erase the past. I hope you decide to be proactive with your situation and take action regardless of what you decide. I would also advise you to pray (if that's what you believe in).
Please believe that I'm not trying to be a jerk but what do you want to do? While are on a message board spilling your heart out, are you seeing a therapist or pastor regarding your martial problems? What do you want from your husband? Do you want to work it out or do you want a divorce? You really need to decide and put your child first because this back and forth is ridiculous. Children are very observant and can feel tension between their parents. No child deserves to grow up in that type of environment. The problems going on in the household is taking a toll on your daughter believe it or not. If you want to work out your marriage then you need to forgive your husband and BOTH of you need to spend a lot of time in counseling to find out what went wrong. Your husband sounds like a pig of a man and I'm not sure if he was that way prior to marriage but it's too late to go back now. Do you want to stay married or do you not? You need to be honest about what is best for you and your child. But this back and forth and spilling your guts on a message board isn't going to resolve your martial problems. If your husband is serious about working it out, he needs to agree to go to therapy. Just talking it over or coexisting isn't going to erase the past. I hope you decide to be proactive with your situation and take action regardless of what you decide. I would also advise you to pray (if that's what you believe in).
Lenee925
Well-Known Member
1. He asked you to pay the bills.
2. Told you he loved you but still spent the night with the 'other' woman.
3. Only came back because it's "cheaper to keep her". Can't tell you how many men I know that have told me this is why they stay with their wives..
This kind of person has it in their nature to do these types of things. He'll do it again.
2. Told you he loved you but still spent the night with the 'other' woman.
3. Only came back because it's "cheaper to keep her". Can't tell you how many men I know that have told me this is why they stay with their wives..
This kind of person has it in their nature to do these types of things. He'll do it again.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THE BOOK 'BOUNDARIES-WHEN TO SAY YES AND HOW TO SAY NO TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE BY DRS. CLOUD AND TOWNSEND. sold at christian book stores, or any book store. just go to the front counter and ask them for the book called boundarie by drs. cloud and townsend. this book is AWESOME and it will help you out a lot not only in your relationship, but in your life!!! I guarantee you will learn something not only about yourself but about your husband. this book will change your life and help you see things and people for what and who they really are. I would love for you to post an update after you read the book and send me a pm if you'd like. I hope this helps you...it helped me!!! (my husband has no clue why I started acting the way I did-stronger, more confident and no tolerance for foolishness) PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!!! once you start it you won't be able to put it down...have a highlighter and pen handy....good luck and God Bless
also, do not give him control over your life...you take your life back from him...you call the shots. you let him know what is acceptable and not...you carry on as if he isn't there if he is not willing to give you the respect that you deserve, not only as his wife and the mother of his child, but as a woman. And the best advice that I could give you is to give yourself the advice and right to do what you would want your daughter to do if she were in your shoes!!! why? because you deserve the same respect, love, support and joy that you would want for your daughter....DO WHAT YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO DO IF SHE WERE IN YOUR EXACT SAME SITUATION.
AGAIN, GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
also, do not give him control over your life...you take your life back from him...you call the shots. you let him know what is acceptable and not...you carry on as if he isn't there if he is not willing to give you the respect that you deserve, not only as his wife and the mother of his child, but as a woman. And the best advice that I could give you is to give yourself the advice and right to do what you would want your daughter to do if she were in your shoes!!! why? because you deserve the same respect, love, support and joy that you would want for your daughter....DO WHAT YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO DO IF SHE WERE IN YOUR EXACT SAME SITUATION.
AGAIN, GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
longhairlover
New Member
sorry this whole situation happened to you op, I really think he destroyed the marriage by breaking those vows and stepping outside your marriage with extra marital activities.
he played too many games with your emotions back and forth, i'm moving out, oh I want you back, i'm unsure. it's just too much to put a person through emotionally.
your right not to trust him and don't let your guard down, i'm one for saving a marriage as long as there is no cheating involved but once someone steps outside their marriage that it taking things too far.
he disrespected you and his child by what he did to you, I know your looking for work and the job market sucks right now but by law you have the right to file for legal seperation/divorce would be better and he is responsible to pay the household bills (so you have the right to put him out). adultery is not taken kindly in court and spiritually.
please please please for your own sanity move on, move out, put him out but keep him away from you, he is toxic and will not help in your healing process if he is still actively around playing with your emotions.
something like this happened with my mother in law, she kept her husband around thinking things would change, he went and had a family outside of their marriage, but for some reason she kept the hope that he would come back, (it was obvious because she just would not sell the house). he never came back and now the house is foregoing foreclosure. i'm sure now she wished she would've been strong and moved on before ending up with foreclosure on her credit and in massive debt.
your husband is back because he has nowhere else to go and as others have said he has taken advantage of you and know that you are a loving person and knows how much you care for him.
you are in my prayers and again i'm sooooo sorry this happened to you. but for your own sake please put him out it is really not healthy having someone like him around. it may hurt but in the long run it will be better for you and your heart
.
he played too many games with your emotions back and forth, i'm moving out, oh I want you back, i'm unsure. it's just too much to put a person through emotionally.
your right not to trust him and don't let your guard down, i'm one for saving a marriage as long as there is no cheating involved but once someone steps outside their marriage that it taking things too far.
he disrespected you and his child by what he did to you, I know your looking for work and the job market sucks right now but by law you have the right to file for legal seperation/divorce would be better and he is responsible to pay the household bills (so you have the right to put him out). adultery is not taken kindly in court and spiritually.
please please please for your own sanity move on, move out, put him out but keep him away from you, he is toxic and will not help in your healing process if he is still actively around playing with your emotions.
something like this happened with my mother in law, she kept her husband around thinking things would change, he went and had a family outside of their marriage, but for some reason she kept the hope that he would come back, (it was obvious because she just would not sell the house). he never came back and now the house is foregoing foreclosure. i'm sure now she wished she would've been strong and moved on before ending up with foreclosure on her credit and in massive debt.
your husband is back because he has nowhere else to go and as others have said he has taken advantage of you and know that you are a loving person and knows how much you care for him.
you are in my prayers and again i'm sooooo sorry this happened to you. but for your own sake please put him out it is really not healthy having someone like him around. it may hurt but in the long run it will be better for you and your heart
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