Divorce - Interesting observation...

[NoNapNique]

Now that I am contemplating divorce (well, not just contemplating -- the papers are already filled out, they're just sitting on my dresser). I have noticed reactions from some friends and family members about my decision. Last year I was separated from him (for a year) then we got back together (long story how that fluke occured). Now that I realized he HAS NOT changed -- he's even worse -- I want out, so that I can get on with my life while I'm still young... and I am just tired of pretending (I've never been good at it). There are alot of details to my story, waaaayyy too much to go into here...

But it seems people *really* only accept your decision if the man is cheating -- and only then if it's habitual...

OR - if the man is beating the @#%$ out of you...

OR - if he's addicted to some type of substance

And everything else can be "worked out".

Why is that???

 

[MissScarlett]

Now that I am contemplating divorce (well, not just contemplating -- the papers are already filled out, they're just sitting on my dresser). I have noticed reactions from some friends and family members about my decision. Last year I was separated from him (for a year) then we got back together (long story how that fluke occured). Now that I realized he HAS NOT changed -- he's even worse -- I want out, so that I can get on with my life while I'm still young... and I am just tired of pretending (I've never been good at it). There are alot of details to my story, waaaayyy too much to go into here...

But it seems people *really* only accept your decision if the man is cheating -- and only then if it's habitual...

OR - if the man is beating the @#%$ out of you...

OR - if he's addicted to some type of substance

And everything else can be "worked out".

Why is that???

I have noticed this as well. Maybe its the dr. Phill era, people think only the above mentioned things are 'deal-breakers' and believe any marriage can be saved. And also when I hear of someone getting a divorce and someone asks if they were cheating...and they say no, they seem confused like why else would you get a divorce.

My gf was trying to get a divorce for probably 3 years b/c her was immature with handling money and not a provider. He changed jobs all the time, didn't matter if he made 2.00 or 70K, he coudln't manage money, always making decisions that put them in more debt. When she fiiled for divorce, our friends were like well that can be worked out. Why? If a man wants to blow his money and not take care of his wife and family then, you don't need him. She's been much more prosperous without him, she bought a her for her and her kids. Before, they were getting evicted all the time, b/c he wouldn't/couldn't even pay the rent

 

[klb120475]

I know what you're going through. My divorce will be final at the end of June....Praise God!

You have to do what's best for you, not what people think what's best for you. When I first decided I wanted a divorce, I had all kinds of mixed emotions because I was listening to everyone else. I remember one person told me marriage is what you make it......whateva. It's only what you make it, if both the husband and wife are on one accord.

Anyway, I digress....do what's best for you.

 

[Southernbella.]

I call it relative happiness. When me and my dh were going through something, my mom was all, "Well, in my day, the women didn't complain about anything as long as the men were providing. What you're talking about is nothing compared to what we used to deal with". So? I think the old school way of thinking is that if you are relatively happy (there are others who have it worse than you), then you should suck it up.

I don't subscribe to that at all, and neither should any woman, IMO.

 

[NoNapNique]

I call it relative happiness. When me and my dh were going through something, my mom was all, "Well, in my day, the women didn't complain about anything as long as the men were providing. What you're talking about is nothing compared to what we used to deal with". So? I think the old school way of thinking is that if you are relatively happy (there are others who have it worse than you), then you should suck it up.

I don't subscribe to that at all, and neither should any woman, IMO.

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

 

[PapillionRouge]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

Oh wow girl. Please leave him!

 

[klb120475]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

He said What?!!! Aw, naw.....he got you messed up!

 

[MissScarlett]

I call it relative happiness. When me and my dh were going through something, my mom was all, "Well, in my day, the women didn't complain about anything as long as the men were providing. What you're talking about is nothing compared to what we used to deal with". So? I think the old school way of thinking is that if you are relatively happy (there are others who have it worse than you), then you should suck it up.

I don't subscribe to that at all, and neither should any woman, IMO.

you're right. Women 'back in the day'..took alot from men.True we were more limited with our resources and opprotunties but there is also this fear of NOT having a husband. There is still some societal standard that sayes you gotta have a husband, and if he's not a 'good one' somebody's grandma is telling them "wel that's just what men do" and basically as long as you have a piece of man its ok. Some women have been with men 30 years but with about 20 years of unhappiness. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

[MissScarlett]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

HOLLA NEEGRO

 

[klassykutie]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

Boy, Karma is going to come with a new pair of shoes and kick him all in his @ss.

People are like that prior to marriage, too. I nipped that idea in the bud with EVERYONE including his family and mines as well, cause just because a man is not sleeping with Betty Sue and Amy, that does not mean he is a good husband.

If there is anything that occurs in my marriage that I can't deal with, then it is cut and closed.

Times have changed and women are doing more and more on their own. We don't accept alot of things now because we don't have to. We have education, property rights, and careers. People don't like to face that truth, but that is just how it is. Why stay with a man who is going to drag you down and you should have to feel obligated to deal with it? That ish is for the birds

There are ALOT of things that CAN be worked on that people are so quick to get a divorce for. But when it comes to the livelihood of the wife and the family, that IMO should not be compromised at all.

 

[dlewis]

I know exactly what you mean. When I told my parents I was divorcing my husband because I wasn't happy they were very upset because my husband had never abused or mistreated me. My fathers comment was the "grass isn't always greener on the other side".erplexed He said I should stick it out. My mother who's been married three times thought I was insane. Happiness shouldn't be an issue.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Now that I am contemplating divorce (well, not just contemplating -- the papers are already filled out, they're just sitting on my dresser). I have noticed reactions from some friends and family members about my decision. Last year I was separated from him (for a year) then we got back together (long story how that fluke occured). Now that I realized he HAS NOT changed -- he's even worse -- I want out, so that I can get on with my life while I'm still young... and I am just tired of pretending (I've never been good at it). There are alot of details to my story, waaaayyy too much to go into here...

But it seems people *really* only accept your decision if the man is cheating -- and only then if it's habitual...

OR - if the man is beating the @#%$ out of you...

OR - if he's addicted to some type of substance

And everything else can be "worked out".

Why is that???

i guess because it's an oath taken before god until death do you part, for richer or poorer, etc... the offenses you named above are major (not that there aren't others) but i would say those are the most common ones and back in the day people would stay together regardless and work through the problems. that was also back in the day where it seemed you got a man just to get a man. they were the sole provider and women stayed at home and tuffed out, whatever came their way.

even though your family and friends are giving you a hard time i think it's more acceptable to get a divorce today because the sincerity of marriage is not what it used to be.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Now that I am contemplating divorce (well, not just contemplating -- the papers are already filled out, they're just sitting on my dresser). I have noticed reactions from some friends and family members about my decision. Last year I was separated from him (for a year) then we got back together (long story how that fluke occured). Now that I realized he HAS NOT changed -- he's even worse -- I want out, so that I can get on with my life while I'm still young... and I am just tired of pretending (I've never been good at it). There are alot of details to my story, waaaayyy too much to go into here...

But it seems people *really* only accept your decision if the man is cheating -- and only then if it's habitual...

OR - if the man is beating the @#%$ out of you...

OR - if he's addicted to some type of substance

And everything else can be "worked out".

Why is that???

Please don't beat me, but I feel slightly the same way. Lemme add, I am still young and never have been married so I have A LOT to learn, but as of now I feel this way.

Why? Because these things that you listed above is what *I* see as personality traits that will hardly ever change or are VERY hard to change. Basically you don't stand a chance of changing a man who do any of those things listed above so it is best that you just move on.

Other things such as finances and how to handle the kids, I see them being things that can easily be worked out with the help of counseling or a third party. But that's just ME and how I feel.

Maybe this is why the divorce rates are rising because people are divorcing over all type of ish and aren't even trying to work it out (other than the things you listed). I don't know, maybe marriage is also fitting into that McDonalization of America thing. People are so lazy and just don't want to take the time out to work through things. I feel like people give up too easily and SOME things can be changed.

People are way to hard on men and expect them to come already "ready" and know everything but even after you are married you are STILL learning. He don't just all the sudden know everything and people act like they expect that to be the case. I ono, I am just rambling, but that's how *I* feel.

 

[shynessqueen]

Now that I am contemplating divorce (well, not just contemplating -- the papers are already filled out, they're just sitting on my dresser). I have noticed reactions from some friends and family members about my decision. Last year I was separated from him (for a year) then we got back together (long story how that fluke occured). Now that I realized he HAS NOT changed -- he's even worse -- I want out, so that I can get on with my life while I'm still young... and I am just tired of pretending (I've never been good at it). There are alot of details to my story, waaaayyy too much to go into here...

But it seems people *really* only accept your decision if the man is cheating -- and only then if it's habitual...

OR - if the man is beating the @#%$ out of you...

OR - if he's addicted to some type of substance

And everything else can be "worked out".

Why is that???

Maybe because people feel everything else can be worked out.

 

[mango387]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

Your husband's comment is the ONE reason I refuse to get married at this point in my life. I am trying to get on my feet, and I would probably be on the six o'clock news and CNN if a man ever said this to me. I am a Christian, and I tend to believe that divorce should be a last resort for most cases. At the same time, the "carnal" part of me would be ready to tear into anyone who had the audacity to utter those words about me.

 

[klb120475]

I know exactly what you mean. When I told my parents I was divorcing my husband because I wasn't happy they were very upset because my husband had never abused or mistreated me. My fathers comment was the "grass isn't always greener on the other side".erplexed He said I should stick it out. My mother who's been married three times thought I was insane. Happiness shouldn't be an issue.

Happiness is always an issue........

 

[NoNapNique]

Maybe because people feel everything else can be worked out.

Sure some things can be worked out... except when you are told to your face "I'm not changing..." and "I don't need peace"

I don't know about some women, but I deserve better than to spend my life with someone whose ONLY purpose is to make it miserable.

 

[PinkPeony]

Please don't beat me, but I feel slightly the same way. Lemme add, I am still young and never have been married so I have A LOT to learn, but as of now I feel this way.

Why? Because these things that you listed above is what *I* see as personality traits that will hardly ever change or are VERY hard to change. Basically you don't stand a chance of changing a man who do any of those things listed above so it is best that you just move on.

Other things such as finances and how to handle the kids, I see them being things that can easily be worked out with the help of counseling or a third party. But that's just ME and how I feel.

Maybe this is why the divorce rates are rising because people are divorcing over all type of ish and aren't even trying to work it out (other than the things you listed). I don't know, maybe marriage is also fitting into that McDonalization of America thing. People are so lazy and just don't want to take the time out to work through things. I feel like people give up too easily and SOME things can be changed.

People are way to hard on men and expect them to come already "ready" and know everything but even after you are married you are STILL learning. He don't just all the sudden know everything and people act like they expect that to be the case. I ono, I am just rambling, but that's how *I* feel.

OT:
I just read that the divorce rates are the lowest since the 70ies .

To the subject:
I think sometimes people marry the wrong person or people change.
Everyone has to decide for which price they want to be married,how much they are willing to compromise and/or to give up for their marriage.
Spending the rest of your life and raising kids with someone that isn't right for you can be tough.
Sure certain things can be worked on but what if the other person doesn't want to change?

 

[MissScarlett]

Please don't beat me, but I feel slightly the same way. Lemme add, I am still young and never have been married so I have A LOT to learn, but as of now I feel this way.

Why? Because these things that you listed above is what *I* see as personality traits that will hardly ever change or are VERY hard to change. Basically you don't stand a chance of changing a man who do any of those things listed above so it is best that you just move on.

Other things such as finances and how to handle the kids, I see them being things that can easily be worked out with the help of counseling or a third party. But that's just ME and how I feel.

Maybe this is why the divorce rates are rising because people are divorcing over all type of ish and aren't even trying to work it out (other than the things you listed). I don't know, maybe marriage is also fitting into that McDonalization of America thing. People are so lazy and just don't want to take the time out to work through things. I feel like people give up too easily and SOME things can be changed.

People are way to hard on men and expect them to come already "ready" and know everything but even after you are married you are STILL learning. He don't just all the sudden know everything and people act like they expect that to be the case. I ono, I am just rambling, but that's how *I* feel.

I see your point. I married one of these men, he had no clue about marriage or how to be married, so we spent the early years of our marriage trying to figure out how to be married and every four months swearing this was the last month we were going to be together.

So I do believe there is a difference between learning how to be married, putting the work in to make it work and truly wanting to change for the sake of your marriage and those folks that just plain out don't care, say they are going to change or evolve and never do no matter what. I think when you're faced with that type of situation, that's when you either settle for the piece of a husband and be miserable or get out and do something about it. And you always have some gf saying "girl you better keep your husband" I believe in marriage but I also believe that how people generally start off, is how they will *likely* continue to be without a personal initiative to change.

 

[gloomgeisha]

Originally Posted by NoNapNique
Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

My husband does the same kind of crap. Ditch yours because I am definitely ditching mine. There is nothing kind or loving about emotional manipulation and using guilt. It's soul crushing, it devours self-esteem, and it leaves women powerless in the face of this kind of silent abuse. Because it IS abuse.

Hitting isn't the only thing that can leave scars. Tommy would tell me that no other man would put up with me but him, how I'll never have any friends unless I have him, how I'm nothing without him, how I'd be nowhere, homeless. All of them are lies.But I heard it so much I believed it and became afraid to try to get out on my own.

Now I know better.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

OT:
I just read that the divorce rates are the lowest since the 70ies .

My guess is that if that's true it's because the marriage rate is also very low right now, but that's just my guess.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I see your point. I married one of these men, he had no clue about marriage or how to be married, so we spent the early years of our marriage trying to figure out how to be married and every four months swearing this was the last month we were going to be together.

So I do believe there is a difference between learning how to be married, putting the work in to make it work and truly wanting to change for the sake of your marriage and those folks that just plain out don't care, say they are going to change or evolve and never do no matter what. I think when you're faced with that type of situation, that's when you either settle for the piece of a husband and be miserable or get out and do something about it. And you always have some gf saying "girl you better keep your husband" I believe in marriage but I also believe that how people generally start off, is how they will *likely* continue to be without a personal initiative to change.

Ahhh, exactly! I get what you are saying to the T.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

wow. that was so not cool.

 

[crlsweetie912]

WOW! I am kind of in the middle about this. Usually, no one really knows EVERYTHING that a woman is suffering throughout a marrige. Unless you tell all your business or the husband is just a royal A@@ 24/7 and doesn't care, people don't know the ins and outs of what you are going through. Yall are talking some real talk in this thread! I pray that you ladies get the happiness that you are seeking. Whether you get divorced or not.

 

[NoNapNique]

My husband does the same kind of crap. Ditch yours because I am definitely ditching mine. There is nothing kind or loving about emotional manipulation and using guilt. It's soul crushing, it devours self-esteem, and it leaves women powerless in the face of this kind of silent abuse. Because it IS abuse.

Hitting isn't the only thing that can leave scars. Tommy would tell me that no other man would put up with me but him, how I'll never have any friends unless I have him, how I'm nothing without him, how I'd be nowhere, homeless. All of them are lies.But I heard it so much I believed it and became afraid to try to get out on my own.

Now I know better.

Wow... I must be married to your husband's clone...

According to mine men are only going to use me up and throw me away like a rag doll... and no man will ever respect me... and I was nothing before him, and am never going to be anything. So, after about an hour of putting up with this particular episode of insults (after putting up with them quietly for many years)... I finally told him...

ABOUT HIS SMALL "PACKAGE"!!!

A human being can only take so much before they strike back

 

[MissScarlett]

My husband does the same kind of crap. Ditch yours because I am definitely ditching mine. There is nothing kind or loving about emotional manipulation and using guilt. It's soul crushing, it devours self-esteem, and it leaves women powerless in the face of this kind of silent abuse. Because it IS abuse.

Hitting isn't the only thing that can leave scars. Tommy would tell me that no other man would put up with me but him, how I'll never have any friends unless I have him, how I'm nothing without him, how I'd be nowhere, homeless. All of them are lies.But I heard it so much I believed it and became afraid to try to get out on my own.

Now I know better.

This is terrible, i'm sorry you've had to go through this but i'm glad you're realizing that this is not acceptable.

 

[MissScarlett]

Wow... I must be married to your husband's clone...

According to mine men are only going to use me up and throw me away like a rag doll... and no man will ever respect me... and I was nothing before him, and am never going to be anything. So, after about an hour of putting up with this particular episode of insults (after putting up with them quietly for many years)... I finally told him...

ABOUT HIS SMALL "PACKAGE"!!!

A human being can only take so much before they strike back

sorry this part was funny. I also think bad sex is an acceptable reason for divorce

 

[BrownBetty]

I am not married nor have I ever been but I feel you can divorce someone for things other than he beats your or cheats on you. I lived under a roof where no cheating or abuse occurred but they were two of the most miserable people you would ever meet. My mom tried and tried, my pops didn't want to put in the work. She had her faults too but you can't make a marriage work if the other person is uncoperative. Women back in the day stayed because they had no choices not because they were fearless or stronger then women today. I say if you are not happy and your spouse doesn't care and doesn't want to correct the situation then you should divorce.

 

[shynessqueen]

I'm sorry y'all had/going through all of that.

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Wow... I must be married to your husband's clone...

According to mine men are only going to use me up and throw me away like a rag doll... and no man will ever respect me... and I was nothing before him, and am never going to be anything. So, after about an hour of putting up with this particular episode of insults (after putting up with them quietly for many years)... I finally told him...

ABOUT HIS SMALL "PACKAGE"!!!

A human being can only take so much before they strike back

wow ok, so you know this is only his attempt to lower your self-esteem and get you to stay with him..................... that small package comment had to be a killer to his