Diverting A Financial Gift to FUTURE In-Laws

Transformer

Transformer

Well-Known Member
From SLATE.

Q. Is what’s mine yours? My boyfriend and I are very much in love and have happily merged our lives together. We plan to get engaged and married in the next two years.

I come from a privileged background, while my boyfriend comes from a working-class family. I recently learned that my father plans to give me a generous set of mutual funds, essentially to ensure that my future family and I will be comfortable for life. Upon learning of the money, my boyfriend asked if we could give a portion of the money to his parents as they move into retirement. I love his generous spirit, and his parents, but this money is mine until we tie the knot, and even then, it was gifted to me to set up our future. I worry about giving the money away before we really have a chance to use it for its intended purpose, like on a house down payment or a baby. Am I being selfish?
 
When it comes to money, I feel that women should NOT divulge all their financial info. I don't know if that is ethical or not....but ...yeah...And she is not even married yet!

ETA: My background shapes my view tho. I watched my mom be taken advantage of financially by her ex husband. Seeing that made me very protective of my own money.
 
That's a lot of nerve to ask for something she ain't even got yet. And he's got her twisted thinking it's an example of his "generous spirit." I'd tell him I'm not comfortable using it for any other purpose than what my parent's intended and I'd keep my mouth shut going forward. He hasn't done anything wrong but I'm feeling like she should pump the brakes. They aren't even engaged. They are planning to get engaged and he's this comfortable asking for her parent's money and probably thinks nothing of it because it's not for him. There's some entitlement here that'll be a problem in their marriage. He'll resent her either way. Either she'll be the rich B that makes him feel inferior or she'll be the stingy B who could've helped his parents but didn't.
 
Boyfriends, asking about my money? To give to someone else? How sway?

With no actual ring or date set to marry, he shouldn't be asking about the money at all? And she's assuming the dad is just giving the funds to her. He may have some provisions that require her to be married or that his grandchild(ren) are the actual people who can access the money.
 
This dude sounds less than ideal. The fact that he was comfortable enough to ask for money that was gifted to her (and not him) is appalling. He's real "generous" with funds that aren't even his. She needs to shut that down immediately. I have a feeling that her father would be very upset upon hearing how they plan on using that money. I'm wondering how much 'merging of their lives' is really her bringing stuff 'to the table'.
 
I wish a ninja would ask me some mess like that!! :eek: Him being bold enough to ask for this does not bode well for their relationship. :nono:

If his parents didn’t properly prepare for retirement, that is not her parents concern and their gift to their daughter shouldn’t be used for that.

Even if she agrees to it, if I were her parents I would be mad as hell. That is NOT what my money was meant to be used for. :mad:
 
weaveadiva said:
How did he even find out? Like y'all said, this man is merely a boyfriend and she's out here trying to make him an heir to the family fortune.
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Not even him, his parents bout to get her inheritance! I would be livid if this were my kid. I think there is a legit pre-engagement point in the bf/gf relationship where a couple need to talk about finances. You don't want to get engaged and then find out about bankruptcies or life changing inheritances. Actually, in this woman's situation, it's better to find out dude would be trying to give away her inheritance before she was stuck in a marriage with him.
 
Ummm, so much wrong here. Why is he asking her for money that isn't hers yet? And that is meant to be for THEIR family, not his family of origin? They need to have a serious discussion about finances and where his financial priorities are. My parents plan to do something similar for me when I marry SO, and they would be LIVID if he was pressuring me to let his family cash in on my inheritance.

Better she find out now, before getting engaged or married and tying herself to a man who wants to enrich his family of origin at her expense. The fact that they're not even engaged yet and he's asking this is highly suspect. But people don't ask things like this out of nowhere. Now I'm wondering what else has he asked of her money-wise. IF she marries this man, there needs to be an iron-clad prenup.
 
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I can not believe some of these questions you all post. People really do this? This is a conundrum for someone??

I can’t even imagine my husband fixing his mouth to ask me to give part of my inheritance to his parents so that they can retire. A boyfriend having this level of audacity is unfathomable.
 
She is not selfish, the appropriate answer is simply "no". I have spoken on entitlement to luxuries across several threads, and the bottom line is that the prerequisite to generosity is the ability to acquire resources...and I do mean his own. Him being married to her frees him up to work towards a plan that will supply what he would like to give to his parents. That is valuable in and of itself(freedom to work towards that goal while knowing everyday needs are stable in the process...I am not saying he can just chill on home but we all know that it's easier to multitask and have the overflow to help others when your affairs are generally in order and home is stable). That type of gift needs to be led by him with gentle encouragement from her as HE makes it happen. I laugh but y'all know I'm serious. When the DH offers someone something I hold it down at the house encourage my ass off to give him all the room he needs to do the work and make that thang happen. When I promise someone something DH holds it down at the house and I have room to fulfill my promise. No resentment, no callous promises being made that he or I won't personally own to make happen, no unfair burdens where we inadvertently leave one another holding the bag by forgetting be considerate of one another. I don't see this becoming an issue, given that healthy boundaries and consistency on adjacent topics to this one have been established, but it is an excellent opportunity for him to learn to achieve the things he would like to give and shape realistic perspectives on what he can offer. It's also an opportunity for him to be motivated by and recognize his spouse's nonfinancial support as she encourages him. Money is just one tool. Who knows if he is pulling most of the weight she might want to contribute to certain things voluntarily in different ways. If this does become a point of contention, it's time to "keep it real" and hash it out to make sure it's not a compatibility issue: You can change financial situations, there are a lot of different way to be encouraging and supportive but a man who isn't willing to work hard for what he wants/needs or shift his expectation to better match his work ethic and ability, that should give you pause.
 
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Reinventing21 said:
I happen to come across the letter in the OP and the advice given was surprising ... not anything like what we are saying lol
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Here’s the advice given by the Slate Columnist

A: It’s not selfish to disagree with your fiancé-to-be about the best use of an unexpected windfall, so long as you’re prepared to hear him out and consider possible compromises. Part of being “comfortable for life,” for your boyfriend, would include knowing that his parents can afford to retire. You already know your parents can afford to retire, and have actually grown up with your parents’ financial security as a simple background fact of life, so it may be difficult at first for you to understand his position. You say that you’ve “happily” merged your lives together and want to get married, so don’t be unduly concerned that this particular aspect of merging hasn’t been immediately easy, straightforward, and fun. Joint finances can be a difficult topic of conversation for any couple, and since you two have very different backgrounds and (potentially) a few different goals and priorities, it stands to reason that you’ll disagree once in a while. That’s not necessarily an indicator that there’s a serious problem, so long as you can find ways to respectfully and productively discuss compromises together.

The fact that your boyfriend asked you to consider the possibility of giving some of the money to his parents suggests that he’s reasonably open to such compromises, that he doesn’t want to force your hand, and that he’s also interested in setting money aside for a home or for future childcare. That’s a good sign! You should join him in a larger conversation about what kind of financial assistance you’d both be prepared to offer his parents and other relatives, how you’d want to offer such assistance, how much money you each think you’d need to be “comfortable” (a word many people use to describe wildly different conditions), etc., before making any final decisions about disbursing money you don’t yet have.
 
Reinventing21 said:
When it comes to money, I feel that women should NOT divulge all their financial info. I don't know if that is ethical or not....but ...yeah...And she is not even married yet!

ETA: My background shapes my view tho. I watched my mom be taken advantage of financially by her ex husband. Seeing that made me very protective of my own money.
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He’s already spending her money.
his parents should’ve planned for their own retirement. She ain’t a windfall.

she should leave now.
 
Transformer said:
Here’s the advice given by the Slate Columnist

A: It’s not selfish to disagree with your fiancé-to-be about the best use of an unexpected windfall, so long as you’re prepared to hear him out and consider possible compromises. Part of being “comfortable for life,” for your boyfriend, would include knowing that his parents can afford to retire. You already know your parents can afford to retire, and have actually grown up with your parents’ financial security as a simple background fact of life, so it may be difficult at first for you to understand his position. You say that you’ve “happily” merged your lives together and want to get married, so don’t be unduly concerned that this particular aspect of merging hasn’t been immediately easy, straightforward, and fun. Joint finances can be a difficult topic of conversation for any couple, and since you two have very different backgrounds and (potentially) a few different goals and priorities, it stands to reason that you’ll disagree once in a while. That’s not necessarily an indicator that there’s a serious problem, so long as you can find ways to respectfully and productively discuss compromises together.

The fact that your boyfriend asked you to consider the possibility of giving some of the money to his parents suggests that he’s reasonably open to such compromises, that he doesn’t want to force your hand, and that he’s also interested in setting money aside for a home or for future childcare. That’s a good sign! You should join him in a larger conversation about what kind of financial assistance you’d both be prepared to offer his parents and other relatives, how you’d want to offer such assistance, how much money you each think you’d need to be “comfortable” (a word many people use to describe wildly different conditions), etc., before making any final decisions about disbursing money you don’t yet have.
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That future meme comes to mind. Ain’t no way...
 
B_Phlyy said:
Boyfriends, asking about my money? To give to someone else? How sway?

With no actual ring or date set to marry, he shouldn't be asking about the money at all? And she's assuming the dad is just giving the funds to her. He may have some provisions that require her to be married or that his grandchild(ren) are the actual people who can access the money.
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See this has me thinking about provisions when the time comes and I have kids. No way is some dude going to come along with his generous heart, planning how to spend money I intended for my daughter and her future family. A dude who isn't even her fiance' at that. He has some nerve. I'm thinking trusts need to be set up so that things have to be followed to the T or else no money. :look:
 
I know once a gift is given a person can do whatever they want. However, wondering what the father would think of funding an unrelated person’s retirement?

I think this why staying within your social/financial class matters. Up until the last 50 years, matches like this would have been discouraged especially since it is the male side that is “unDer funded”.
 
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Transformer said:
I know once a gift is given a person can do whatever they want. However, wondering what the anther would think of funding an unrelated person’s retirement?

I think this why staying within your social/financial class matters. Up until the last 50 years, matches like this would have been discouraged especially since it is the male side that is “unfounded”.
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Pre-50 years ago, the concept of dowry's was to pay a dude with light pockets but plenty of gumption to take that money and use it as a supplement to whatever value he was bringing to provide for the daughter and any children. For example, John McCain was a 41 year old naval officer with political ambitions when he married 25 year old Cindy Hensley who was a beer industry heiress. He absolutely used her money to get where he wanted to go but he still made the kind of name for himself that will get him in the history books.

The kind of dude who looks at his girlfriends inheritance and makes plans for his parents prolly ain't cut from the same cloth.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Pre-50 years ago, the concept of dowry's was to pay a dude with light pockets but plenty of gumption to take that money and use it as a supplement to whatever value he was bringing to provide for the daughter and any children. For example, John McCain was a 41 year old naval officer with political ambitions when he married 25 year old Cindy Hensley who was a beer industry heiress. He absolutely used her money to get where he wanted to go but he still made the kind of name for himself that will get him in the history books.

The kind of dude who looks at his girlfriends inheritance and makes plans for his parents prolly ain't cut from the same cloth.
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I get it. But then again it's always a guy with value for the most part (the type you're mentioning). He usually has something to add. Ala Mccain or even Hamilton before him (since we're talking politicians). It usually applies to the guys who are going somewhere, it's just a matter of how. Since they've impressed those with money and access because of whatever they have to offer, and now it's a matter of where they are utilizing their skills to get where they need to go. When they marry in with the dowry, they also marry into access and they start to apply their skills in whatever category when meeting people in said areas. It's a matter of time before they're in a position of authority and/or making decent moolah. That's why their parents even approved these marriages in the first place. Sure once in a blue moon there's a bum in the lot, but for the most part with all the access and parents analyzing dude pre marriage, they see a go getter with capabilities at the least versus someone who is going to sit around and just mooch away. Not so the case in the case of the inheritance watchers that you mention aren't cut from the same cloth.

Like you said that's intended for use in a specific way versus a girlfriend's inheritance. Girlfriend. Not future wife. Not Finance' whom you are marrying next week :look: and who is on the same page with parents in the ways in which to spend the money.


Don't get me wrong I see a lot of people applying money the way they deem upon marrying in really sorry ways like this lady's boyfriend and I also put them in the same category as the watchers and takers versus the go getters of the world. That's when it's really time to run because even the dowry like situations don't always work out, but at least they were for that particular use versus someone sizing you up.

For the other types: A lot of times that isn't right because they are doing something similar: sizing up someone's savings, someone's trust, someone's disability award ...and once they marry the person they have access to said money and start spending like the wind.
 
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