DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

 

[Southernbella.]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

We all know why nobody is answering it.

 

[BlondeByDesire]

I'm married and will be for 20 years come 9/8. I can't tell you what to do or offer any advice - every marriage is different. I'll just say -- you do what's best for you and your marriage.

Good luck with your decision.

Now if my husband told/asked me to cut my hair and/or relax just for the sake of having straight hair - I would say no.

 

[Southernbella.]

I think the issues you are having deal with length. Since your hair is short when stretched and then shrinks even shorter. Your hair is in the middle of the awkward length phase that. Maybe you should braid/weave/wig it up until it passes this phase. I believe that most people do not have a problem with natural hair. They have a problem that natural hair doesn't show length as quick/easily as straighter hair. Once you get pass this length styling options will increase that can have the more "polished" look.

I agree that that's part of it. My dh started coming around when my hair got longer. I doubt that he will ever prefer natural hair, but there are nappy styles that he likes now, so that's better than nothing.

 

[TCatt86]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Their are many natural styles that are sophisticated, try looking it up on youtube.

I wonder how the response would differ if her husband ask that she go natural?

 

[Mortons]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

Lets go with, Not on your life for $1000, Alex. They'll find a way to talk him out of it then

 

[TCatt86]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

I hadn't read the whole thread before I posted, but I posed the same question. I get the feeling that the "it's just hair" "pleasing my husband is most important to me" sentiment would go out of the window if the husband requested the hair be cut or the relaxer be grown out.

 

[msa]

I hadn't read the whole thread before I posted, but I posed the same question. I get the feeling that the "it's just hair" "pleasing my husband is most important to me" sentiment would go out of the window if the husband requested the hair be cut or the relaxer be grown out.

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.

 

[Charz]

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.

But encouraging is a completly different matter.

 

[Southernbella.]

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.

My answer honestly wouldn't change, because I just don't think demanding that your spouse do something is the way to go about it (I know you said encouraging, but that's the not the case with the OP's situation). Not only that, but I think it takes more energy to be natural against your will.

 

[TCatt86]

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.

Hey at least you are honest!!

My answer would still be the same though, I think hair while important doesn't make or break someone's attractiveness. I also don't think someone's DH should be demanding and strongly hinting towards what a woman should do with her hair.

 

[msa]

But encouraging is a completly different matter.

You're right.

Ok if someone's DH was demanding they grow out their relaxer, I'd be on his side (in principle: natural is always the best choice to me). The demanding would still make me mad though. Grown people don't demand other grown folks to do anything.

 

[TCatt86]

My answer honestly wouldn't change, because I just don't think demanding that your spouse do something is the way to go about it (I know you said encouraging, but that's the not the case with the OP's situation). Not only that, but I think it takes more energy to be natural against your will.

I can imagine how miserable that would be for someone that really doesn't want to be natural, same thing as someone relaxing just because their husband doesn't like their natural hair. Shouldn't the happiness of the wife also be important? And i'm assuming that maybe the OP is hesitant because she made the thread posing the question, if she thought hair was just hair she would have just relaxed and when about her business.

 

[Ramya]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

I'll answer. I'd cut my hair so long as it's flattering. For me it's just hair and I couldn't care less. The only reason I wouldn't relax is because relaxers and my scalp don't play well together. And I doubt he'd want me to burn myself for the sake of straight hair. I'd still be natural, just a flatironed natural. No big deal or a short haired natural...again no big deal. Hair grows. It's not life or death important to me.

 

[Neith]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Their are many natural styles that are sophisticated, try looking it up on youtube.

I wonder how the response would differ if her husband ask that she go natural?

I would say don't go natural if you're not open to it or comfortable about it.

It's not like it's just the natural ladies saying that they wouldn't relax their hair for that reason.

You should be able to be comfortable in YOUR life and in YOUR body.

It's not about natural vs relaxed AT ALL for me.

ETA:

I don't believe that anyone should think that something is wrong with kinky hair. Especially not people who have it. However, that's not the driving force behind why I wouldn't drastically change my body JUST for my man.

 

[MrsHouston]

I really feel for your situation. I'm married and although my DH is very understanding (thank the Lord), I still try to do my hair "pretty" for him sometimes. I had a hard time at first...I was trying to grow off my relaxed hair w/o cutting the ends...did this for almost 2 years...which was hard b/c I had to mainly wear my hair up and Dh likes my hair down. In addition, he works from home and I was/am a stay at home mother, so he always saw me with the plastic caps, pre-poos, etc. He also watched me go threw postpartum shedding and shedding from stopping BC pills. Trust me, I've been through it with my hair.

Looking back, I wished I had worn my hair out more for him b/c I do believe every little bit counts and that a husband and wife should be and want to be pleasing to each other. With that said, maybe you can meet him halfway and flatiron your hair every other month to make him happy. Also maybe he'd like a straight styled wig. I'm currently BSL/natural and moving towards MBL...I wear wigs to help me this last leg and plan to do it for any postpartum shedding (just had a baby). I wear straight wig styles that I know he would like, while achieving my goals of protecting my hair for growth. There are some really cools styles and half wigs are very natural looking too. HTH.

 

[Ramya]

Off topic.... ^^^ awww at Mrs. Houston's little prince. He's already smiling!

 

[Neith]

Off topic.... ^^^ awww at Mrs. Houston's little prince. He's already smiling!

Yes, he's adorable

 

[anon123]

dang, I could really use a "my people were enslaved" tag right about now.

 

[MrsHouston]

I agree that that's part of it. My dh started coming around when my hair got longer. I doubt that he will ever prefer natural hair, but there are nappy styles that he likes now, so that's better than nothing.

I agree.

My DH couldn't see what I was trying to accomplish early on, but now he's getting it and loving it. He loves the braidouts as well as the straight looks...he just likes long hair period and me wearing it down/out.

 

[TCT]

i hate to even suggest this, cause i really don't think that you should have to go straight to please anyone; but anyhow, maybe you could try doing a quick bkt(@home), if youve got the guts. that way he can see you with straight hair for a bit although you wont really be making the commitment to the chemical relaxer. maybe after he's able to run his fingers through it and revell in the feeling a bit he'll be a lil more tolerant as your hair returns to its natural state. or....................... just do the bkt thing till you reach your goal. sorry your going through this.

 

[msa]

dang, I could really use a "my people were enslaved" tag right about now.

Or the "you think you're white".

 

[Bluetopia]

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.

Hmm...while i admire your willingness to admit to what on the surface could look like hypocracy...I wonder....:scratchch

(taking the "is he demanding vs. encouraging" angle out of this...)

is it truly hypocritical to think that a husband wanting his wife to embrace what naturally comes out of head IS different than a husband requesting that she alter her appearance with chemicals?

or is there really a difference?

Maybe there is a nuance to this that we're missing at first glance.

For instance.... let's say I have naturally bone straight hair and am always curling it because big hair is all the rage......and my hubby one day says to me "babe i like you the way God made you...maybe you should stop curling your hair all the time and work with what you got"

would that somehow be more palatable than....

if I was a woman with naturally curly hair whose husband said "babe...you look so much nicer without your natural curl pattern. maybe you should get you one of those nice flat irons they talk about on that hair board you're always on and straighten it. or just get some lye and change it permanently?"


race, marital status and all divisive distractions aside....rather than seeing it as hypocracy - is a request just inherently easier to swallow when it's in favor of what comes naturally to you?

this argument could be made for a husband telling his naturally curvy wife to embrace her body vs. a husband who requests she loses weight below her natural frame........or any universal examples of natural vs. altered.

Disclaimer: to folks who like to approach everything with saltiness...please note that #1 - im not the one to come at crazy ....and #2. im a very inquisitive person...and am genuinely curious about what ya'll think

so let's keep any a$$.umptions to a minimum..ok?

my booty is still a bit soar from all the squats I did while ducking low blows yesterday

 

[kkamara5]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

I cant really speak on behalf of anyone else..but the reason those questions were not answered by me is because..well...they were'nt the questions on debate..i guess...

...but to answer your questions..my fiance wouldnt ask me to go natural because I'm already natural and he has encouraged me throughout my whole ordeal......and I don't think that's the issue on hand here....the issue is whether or not the OP should either leave her hair in the "unpolished" state to please herself....or should she find an alternative such as rollersetting, flat ironing, braidout..etc.etc...to please her man....point blank...many posters have turned this debate into much more than it truly is...its not about inferiority, superiority, submissiveness, not loving yourself...etc..etc...I guess the answer would be it depends on how strongly the OP feels about having and keeping her natural hair....

....I have almost BSL length natural hair that I've been growing for about 3-4 years now, and the reason I began this was not for some righteous movement of anysort....It was more because I just simply...loved the look on me...so maybe thats the reason why I dont feel as strong as many other posters as far as my natural hair is concerned...

In terms of compromise...if my fiance asked me to cut my length down..I would first seek to understand the reason for his request...I would then enlighten him on the reason why having long hair means alot to me...I'm pretty certain when all is said and done...he will definitly understand....heck..I would even get some shorter extensions put in once in awhile so he can see me with the "short look".....why? ..... because he is my man and it makes ME happy to see him happy......

 

[jerseygurl]

Wow, finally got to the end of this thread. If anything, this thread has taught me the importance of communication. I'm relaxed right now but I do intend to transition sometime in the future. I'm engaged right now and I do intend to have a discussion with FH and let him know my intentions. I seriously doubt that he would have any objections but one never knows.

The twists and turns in this thread were interesting to say the least and while I believe that you should compromise in marriage, you cannot allow yourself to get lost just to please your man.

No padlocks please, this is a good discussion

 

[Sugar]

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.

Yaaayyy...my first post

To answer the question above, I wouldn't do it. At 1st I thought she should relax her hair because its very important that her hubby finds her attractive. But then I thought "What if my hubby or S/O asked me to go natural?" I'd never do it and if he stopped finding me attractive...well he's free to go.

 

[msa]

race, marital status and all divisive distractions aside....rather than seeing it as hypocracy - is a request just inherently easier to swallow when it's in favor of what comes naturally to you?

Yes, I think it is. And I would extend that to say, if I were the type of person who didn't see relaxing as a big deal, then my dh asking me to relax probably wouldn't bother me.

So you're right, maybe it's not really hypocrisy because I support natural hair over any other type of hair regardless of the situation.

 

[Neith]

Hmm...while i admire your willingness to admit to what on the surface could look like hypocracy...I wonder....:scratchch

(taking the "is he demanding vs. encouraging" angle out of this...)

is it truly hypocritical to think that a husband wanting his wife to embrace what naturally comes out of head IS different than a husband requesting that she alter her appearance with chemicals?

or is there perhaps really a difference?

Perhaps there is a nuance to this that we're missing at first glance.

For instance.... let's say I have naturally bone straight hair and am always curling it because big hair is all the rage......and my hubby one day says to me "babe i like you the way God made you...maybe you should stop curling your hair all the time and work with what you got"

would that somehow be more palatable than....

if I was a woman with naturally curly hair whose husband said "babe...you look so much nicer without your natural curl pattern. maybe you should get you one of those nice flat irons they talk about on that hair board you're always on and straighten it. or just get some lye and change it permanently?"


race, marital status and all divisive distractions aside....rather than seeing it as hypocracy - is a request just inherently easier to swallow when it's in favor of what comes naturally to you?

this argument could be made for a husband telling his naturally curvy wife to embrace her body vs. a husband who requests she loses weight below her natural frame........or any universal examples of natural vs. altered.

Disclaimer: to folks who like to approach everything with saltiness...please note that #1 - im not the one to come at crazy ....and #2. im a very inquisitive person...and am genuinely curious about what ya'll think

so let's keep any ***.umptions to a minimum..ok?

my booty is still a bit soar from all squats I did while ducking low blows yesterday

It can be easier depending on the individual.

It depends on what you want to do.

If a bigger woman really wants to lose weight and her husband tells her not to, I would hope that she shed the pounds so that she can be more healthy. It's better for her to be healthy than to please her husband.

This goes for not only physical things for me. I will NOT give up my physical, mental or emotional well being just to give into someone's whims. There are times you sacrifice those things for loved ones, but not for something so superficial.

On the other hand some women would be like "Well, thank God. Let me go get some cheetos now because I don't really care if I lose weight or not."

A person from this group has no problem with doing what her partner wants because she is ok with it HERSELF.

(I've been in both groups, so no offense to the big girls out there. lol )

 

[FAMUDva]

Never mind...

 

[Amerie123]

OP, just out of curiosity.. how long has your husband felt this way?

for my opinions:
I agree with some of the posters.. do temporary straight styles here and there, but keep your hair natural.. this way you both win..

I'm married, but the situation is different for me.. DH actually prefers natural hair (and he has his reasons). However, he just wants me to do what makes me happy.. Talk to him and tell us what he's said. ask him would he like it if it was longer, etc. He does realize that eventually your hair will appear longer. Bottom line.. do what makes you both happy, and explain to him that relaxing isn't your only option. Good luck.