DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[CocoBunny]

perplexed

Naw girl, this is cute when you 35.

 

[Junebug D]

Nevermind!!!

Good luck to the OP.

 

[Mystic]

Wow, thank God my hubby is not into petty stuff such as how I wear my hair (natural or relaxed). However, I totally understand the OP's dilemma because I have a brother that is notorious for telling his wife how to wear her hair, how to dress, and speak at certain events..., controlling, controlling! I absolutely hated him for it; I thought he was the most selfish man on the planet! My sister-in-law suffered a great deal during that time but..., like one poster said, she is the submissive type and OBEYS her husband to a fault, lol! (DEFINITELY to EACH is OWN!).

She put up with this crap for years (I think they have been married for 25 years now). Strangely, though, I think my brother began to develop a conscience or something because over the years he really changed. Stuff that used to bug him a lot became insignificant over time; he really came into his own wonderfully.

OP, I wish you all the best in working things out. Whatever the issue you are going through now, won't be as significant a couple years down the road.

 

[femmemuscle]

okay...#363..

 

[Sweetyb]

Hey dlove!

I'm sorry you're going through this, but as an almost 10 yr natural I can relate! I can't say that my experience relates to yours exactly, but I can at least tell it. I struggled for years to make my natural hair look 'presentable,' but I was not successful because of the fact that I was still learning my natural hair. I blogged about it for many years about my trials and errors with certain hairstyles. I also blogged about the negative comments that I could get from family members who did not approve of my natural hair. I turned these negative comments, as hard as it was to do, into constructive criticism and pushed myself to better care for my natural hair. I'd take the "you need to relax your hair before all of your hair falls off" comments to *hmm, let me experiment with some new products and try to perfect my twistout* ... and soon enough (years later) I haven't really heard any negative comment. Part of it was showing people that I wasn't budging, and the other part of it was loving my hair even more and doing what I could to make it even more beautiful.

The fact that DH is telling you to make an appointment to relax your hair makes me wonder why he would take it upon himself to 'tell' you what to do with your hair? I ask this because when I would complain to my parents about how stubborn my hair was, or walk around the house with my natural hair unkempt. This gave them unwarranted 'permission' to tell me what to do with my hair because they thought they were helping me resolve my 'problem.' So I stopped mentioning any problems I may have been having with my hair in the presence of these individuals and brought it to these boards instead. If you really don't want to get a relaxer, you need to tell him and be careful not to give him any reason why he should advice you on your own hair in the future. (keep in mind, I'm not married!)

Lastly, as far as hairstyles, I understand what you mean when you say that you feel like a young girl with some hairstyles. I believe that with any hair texture there is a thing called 'age appropriate' hairstyles. Twists on a grown woman can be styled different than twists on a young girl. I hope to put some examples up on my website so that people can get my visual!!

Either way, I hope that you renew, or maintain, your confidence in your natural hair. It's hard when the very people around you don't approve of your hairstyles or hairstyle attempts. It's not encouraging. For me, I was blessed to have gone natural just after high school, and my time in college allowed for me to experiment with my hair because my classmates won't judge me the same as colleagues might had I transitioned as a working professional. Even if you decide to relax, let it be your own decision, because like another poster said you don't want to resent him if you don't like your new found hairstyle... or even be too scared to return to natural. You can always use the wonderful women on these boards to keep you encouraged!!

 

[kkamara5]

I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic.

True...however,....I guess I dont feel as strong as you on the topic...and maybe thats why our opinions differ....I have natural 4b hair that I love and take tender love and care for.....I also have a fiance that makes me happy and has been there for me in so many ways I cant even begin to reflect...Ultimately when it boils down to it...if I were ever in a situation where my fiance perfered a certain look on me..I would not hesitate to try and "compromise" coming to a decision that makes us both happy...me doing so does not mean I dont stand up for myself, or that I do everything my fiance asks of me....k......but ....whatever floats your boat...I'm not knocking your views cause you have all the right...I'm only asking that you try and respect the views of others....degrading by caliing others' views as "pathetic" is uncalled for....JMHO..

 

[NappyMD]

Well, though I have my strong views about relaxers and the development of the black aesthetic, at the end of the day it is all about equality. It is fair for one to change her hair to suit her SO, as long as he is willing to do the same for her. Similarly, it makes since that if the marriage is set up where she doesn't tell him how to do his hair/dress, he won't be allowed to either. Only disparities are degrading, IMHO. This is a difficult issue though, because for myself and many others, asking us to relax is asking us to change religions or vote for McCain.

I actually think this could be a thought-provoking, worthwhile thread if it were not so emotionally charged that so much hostility erupted

 

[Bluetopia]

I naively thought we'd beat this dead horse to death a couple hundred replies ago....so imagine my surprise when i logged on a lil while ago to a mailbox with private messages from people telling me of the downward spiral of this convo and asking me to post/re-post my responses.

For them....I am reposting....but it looks like every 10 pages a new person who hasnt read the previous comments comes in...says something inflammatory that was just squashed and the same issue keep getting debated as if for the first time all over again.

* insert deep yawn *

g'nite ladies



#1

can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion.

the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me

just because someone isnt married doesnt take away their ability to empathize and have a valid opinion. and i think all the posters on this thread have shown that they are being thoughtful and honest (very honest) about their views.

and who is to say a single woman doesnt still have the benefit of being in successful, healthy long term relationship that she can speak from?

the generalization is just a faulty one IMO

to pull the single card on one person but then totally be open to the very same opinion being said by another poster just because she is married is off putting and subtley divisive.

i havent even stated how i stand on this issue (and probably wont)

but can we agree that EVERYONE's feelings are equally valid....

its a personal peeve of mine when folks marginalize others experiences.

even if that wasnt the intention (and i sincerely suspect it wasnt) thats still how it came off to me and im sure some others who rather not speak up.

as you were.......

#2

no worries hun!

i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.

no one group of people has the manopoly on good judgement.

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that )

while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that

1. a happy home is important

2. OP should have a open conversation with dh that involves finding a solution that works for them both

3. approach is key and he should check himself before demanding anything of a grown woman (whether she be his wife or not)

4. before she even worries about him OP needs to assess how she even feels about her own hair because she doesnt even seem sold on it herself.

5. and if she does want to be natural her lack of swag, shrinkage, and choice of styles may be the culprit of her man's dismay moreso than the fact that she doesnt have a relaxer (and lets be real...to be natural in this society and look good doing it: swag is a must)

i actually think that is all great advice. which is why i had nothing more to add

#3

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.

who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?

who are YOU to assume what experiences in maintaining a healthy, long term, give-and-take relationship the women on this board have whether they be married or not?

and to make your statement even more ill conceived the hilarious thing is....MANY of the women who are disagreeing with each other are married women debating with other married women. so its not even like you are illuminating any valid source behind people's difference of opinions.

the most functional couple i know has been together for over a decade and isnt married but does wonderfully at making sure each others needs are met. id love to hear her take on this issue

but according to you...her opinion wouldnt count because being married is the be-all and end-all for knowing anything about positive interpersonal relationships

right?

how incredibly unfair and close minded of you.

i pray that anyone on this board who ever seeks to give you their sincere opinion meets your standards of worthiness before having the misfortune of being dismissed so unjustly.

and there u have it

*fades to black*

 

[RENIBELL]

dear op, dont know if anyone already mentioned this, but what about braids? and staright styles? you could try these to buy some time and see if dh is happy with this, Good luck whatever you decide, its better he tells you how he feels than keep it all in and react in other ways.

 

[Freespirit02]

Umm..WHAT!! Okay..it would of been on like donkey kong! He shouldn't have said those things to you...that wasn't very nice. Anyway..why don't u put some kinky twist in your hair...with a weave or something.
Btw..ask your husband has he ever seen some relaxed women hair that looked like BOOO!? If he says no..hmm, then you know buddy has been brainwashed!

 

[tocktick]

I can only speak for myself here. I do look more childish when I wear my natural hair out. This is the only time I get carded. This is the only time that I'm not referred to as "madame" or "ma'am". So there is a reason for that, whether or not I agree with it.

Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes. It's as simple as that. I'm speaking about social norms here; that's not to say that this is the general rule for everyone, in every society.

High ponytails ARE frequented by young women, teens, and cheerleaders (at least in the US). That doesn't mean it doesn't look good. That simply means that older women who are more conservative don't usually wear high ponytails, unless it's secured into a bun.

I don't know what industries others work in. I would consider mine among the least "liberal" or forgiving. And hair that is worn out in our workplace has to be close to the scalp. Plain and simple. That is the rule in our workplace, regardless of your race, skin color, or hairtype/length. I've seen many a time when Caucasian colleagues were called in and told to tone down their hair or get a haircut (usually our first-year associates or interns encounter this sort of reprimand). Kinky, coily colleagues rarely encounter this in my industry (that I've seen) simply because they already seem to know the rules somehow and usually come in looking polished already, their hair close to their scalps (regardless of the style).

Regarding Yaya, her style - an updo - does not count to me as being "loose hair" because it's secured into an elegant updo. I love her hairstyle and if the top was low enough, I'd totally be able to wear that to work. But the farther it is from our scalps, in my industry, the more likely we'll be given a talking to.

I have no idea how it works for other industries...mine is pretty conservative, but they're not crazy and would never do anything to invite a lawsuit (like tell me that I can't wear kinky hair, period).

Ok, I'm not arguing whether high ponytails are a childish style or not. I also was not arguing that loose naturals styles were considered conservative enough for the workplace nor was I even even arguing that loose natural styles equalled X, Y, Z. Much of the things you are bringing up now and brought up before (specifically the working world) don't have much to do with my original post. I was merely responding to SouthernBella who stated she looked mature with her hair. I expounded by saying how you look was in the way you style your hair (something which you manage to do yourself at work) but you deleted that part of my post when replying to me. Anyway in my last response to you, I more or less agreed with the vast majority of what you said! So I'm confused as to why you seem to be insinuating in this post that I was not.

All in all, my first (and 2nd) post was nothing to do with whether big and out styles were workplace appropriate or anything about high ponytails. Maybe you brought that up because of OP's predicament but I will state now that my post went off topic. It was about certain loose styles not having to necessarily look young if one was to style them differently - yes, a loose "freeform" twistout may look young on someone but pin them up and they will probably project a different image. I was never stating that one could wear their hair in any which way loose (imo, loose = not wearing twists, braids etc. So a pinned up twistout still equals loose) and it would look automatically mature/sophisticated etc. It was the opposite, in fact . As for older women, their only option isn't to leave their hair loose" (which in your terms is "up and out", so that's what I mean by "loose" in this instance). Natural hair can look conservative (however one defines that) if one so wishes to style their hair in that way - for someone women that means a low TWA and for others it means buns etc.

I don't really see where we are disagreeing in your posts or why bringing up the corporate world was relevant to my original post in your eyes. If you do think I was disagreeing with you all this time, lets agree to disagree because I don't get the direction in which you took my post and my subsequent post or why Yaya wasn't a relevant example to the point I was trying to make.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

It always boggles my mind when someone says something rude or offensive to someone but then qualifies it with 'no offense' Are people who do that not intelligent enough to realise that what they said is mean before they click send or is it just making nice

 

[butterfly_wings]

I find some of the comments on this thread disturbing. It reminds me of this thread!

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=382612&highlight=

To add, some people comments are just plain rude!! I'm very surprised, mental note of who to put on my ignore list.

Mods, please lock this down

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Umm..WHAT!! Okay..it would of been on like donkey kong! He shouldn't have said those things to you...that wasn't very nice. Anyway..why don't u put some kinky twist in your hair...with a weave or something.
Btw..ask your husband has he ever seen some relaxed women hair that looked like BOOO!? If he says no..hmm, then you know buddy has been brainwashed!

Careful now..... you might get called and angry black woman....

 

[Kayluv]

While I am sorry that you are going through this I too agree that this is between you and your husband period! This is not about popular opinion, society viewpoints or self hatred (gimme a break!)...your husband just sounds as if he likes what he likes! Have a calm talk with him and express yourself.

Your husband does have a right to have an opinion...yeah, yeah, yeah this is not the most popular opinion these days, but I am all for a strife free home and doing one's part in creating the most happy marriage possible. Marriage is hard enough all on it's own without throwing minor details into the mix.

 

[beans4reezy]

Good Morning Ladies

We are still at it, huh ????

 

[Hairsnob]

Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH. My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage. I hope there is a happy medium.

But, if it were me and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband happy - DH wins every time. I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.

I agree, she's married and she has to keep her husband happy. Of course you wouldn't do this for a SO or BF but this is her husband. One thing I've learned is that if he's being honest and telling her what he prefers then you should try to make it work to keep things alive. Of course try the flat-ironing/blowouts first but if that's too much trouble then I'd try my best to be as appealing to him as I could and if that meant getting relaxed then so be it. This is a reasonable request and not something silly like dying your hair green or getting a Mohawk. I'd hate to have my man do something like shave his beard or mustache off and not care whether or not I liked it.

Remember, men are very VISUAL creatures and there is a difference between them and us. It may be old fashioned to think this way but this is your husband and you do what you can to keep the peace between you two. But I really think a weekly flat-iron will be a good compromise.

HTH

 

[girlyprincess23]

I agree perhaps a happy medium.....BKT.........press and curl ( a few times a month)?

 

[discodumpling]

Wow! We're still at it huh? Nothing like coffee & stimulating conversation 1st thing in the morn

 

[Southernbella.]

True...however,....I guess I dont feel as strong as you on the topic...and maybe thats why our opinions differ....I have natural 4b hair that I love and take tender love and care for.....I also have a fiance that makes me happy and has been there for me in so many ways I cant even begin to reflect...Ultimately when it boils down to it...if I were ever in a situation where my fiance perfered a certain look on me..I would not hesitate to try and "compromise" coming to a decision that makes us both happy...me doing so does not mean I dont stand up for myself, or that I do everything my fiance asks of me....k......but ....whatever floats your boat...I'm not knocking your views cause you have all the right...I'm only asking that you try and respect the views of others....degrading by caliing others' views as "pathetic" is uncalled for....JMHO..

Here's the thing...I'm all for compromise, which I've said from the beginning. I did compromise for my dh, letting him know that I would straighten my hair periodically, and I do that, for him and for me. But no, I wouldn't take a razor to my head simply because my dh told me to. There's compromise and then there's obedience. I'm a grown woman, not a puppy.

As far as your last point goes, I'm not taking back pathetic when said posters were putting down others' marriages and insinuating that their husbands weren't happy. When you can't disagree without throwing out "angry black woman", "you must be single", or "I can tell who's marriage is happy and who's isn't", then yes, you are pathetic and I won't apologize for that.

Plenty of us disagreed early on in the thread, but it didn't get out of hand until people on one side started being condescending and throwing out the aforementioned insults. And you're talking to me about respecting others' views?

 

[chiprecious]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

I agree and as a married woman, I'm going to comment. I'm transitioning and one the the hardest parts is my husband. In his words, he only likes straight hair, no fros, twistouts or none of that. However, how far are we as women willing to go to please our men. How far are they willing to go to please us visually?? My DH could stand to lose 20 lbs. He knows how I feel about it but he's rather sit and eat Chunky Monkey Ice Cream. In my mind, if he cared enough to please me and workout, maybe I'd be more willing to Maxiglide every week. Until then, I do what makes me happy and keeps him PLEASANT.

Men can be so demanding physically but dang...get a mirror!!

 

[envybeauty]

Did Q post in this thread? Her hair is long and she is natural. Married for years.

I find it interesting that folks have stated that some natural styles look kiddish (as in for young people really). Never thought about it before but not surprised. The only time society is exposed to such styles (without a second thought) is when they encounter the millions of black girls walking around with natural hair....in puffs, plaits, etc. Come a certain age, most Black women have "straight" hair (relaxed, weaved, pressed). So it is really no wonder folks (Black and white) associate certain natural styles as kiddish.

Damn.

All the more reason for me to transition now and not 20 years from now.

OP, if u are still reading, .......... find some fotkis of natural haired ladies and show him pics of grown women with nice natural styles. Mook comes to mind.

 

[Bunny77]

Oh I completely agree with you.

I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.

Hell, I don't even think straightening is a good compromise but at least it's not permanent (or semi-permanent).

All I know is I'm happy I don't have this problem.

Yes, how is BKT a compromise? If I'm natural, it means I don't want straight hair. The most "compromise" that might be happening on my part is to get a press "maybe" once a month, but if I went natural, it's because I like wearing my hair curly/kinky/nappy or whatever you want to call it. I'm not doing anything to make it straight longer than a week!


Okay, so anyway, I've been reading this thread and have so many thoughts... I'll try to do bullet points.

-Yes, I'm all about compromise and understanding in a marriage. However, I guess I'm not all that sympathetic to a man's "preferences" for straight hair when he doesn't have straight hair growing out of his own darn head either. When a man "prefers" that his woman spend hours in a salon putting a chemical on her head that is capable of causing scalp burns and spend a bunch of money doing so... just so that her hair doesn't show off any dreaded signs of African heritage, yeah, you better believe I'm not all that understanding.

If a woman wants to straighten/relax/BKT, then I'm cool with that. If a woman decides that she wants to wear her hair THE WAY GOD MADE IT GROW OUT OF HER HEAD -- AND HER HUSBAND'S TOO (if he's black), then her man's "dislike" of it shows that perhaps HE needs to deal with some of his own issues about how blackness is supposed to look.

-That being said, he has a right to not like the bait-and-switch. If he got with her relaxed and now she's natural, yeah, he might feel like he got had. So his acceptance might not be immediate, I get that. As another poster said, this is why I present my natural appearance 99.9999999% of the time so that when I meet men, they know what they're getting and they can't come back later and tell me that they preferred how my hair looked when we met.

-Super-controversial part: I love black people. I really do. But reading so many of these posts make me so glad that I don't have too many of "us" responsible for my employment, my progress up the corporate ladder or my emotional fulfillment, because I would be a basketcase having to be around people who feel the need to "inform" me that my GOD-GIVEN hair texture is "unacceptable" and that they "hate it." Yes, even I as a 3C have gotten that... to think that my own people would limit me because of the texture that we all have is really just sickening to me, and thank goodness that I haven't had to deal with anything remotely close to this since, oh, 2007?

Thank goodness. I've never had this problem with any of my white SOs...

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

This is an extremely divisive and unproductive comment.

 

[FluffyRed]

This is an extremely divisive and unproductive comment.

True. I can't imagine being the kind of person who has to wave the fact that they're married over the heads of others.

This same dynamic can occur in any LT relationship, whether that relationship is legally sanctioned or not.

 

[LushLox]

There's a certain kind of irony to people saying "if you're not married then you're not going to understand." Well what about the married women up in here who have an opposing view of being told what to do?

Interesting logic...

 

[honeybuni84]

Bunny you stop that right now, you know u making to much sense lol
all of my white suitors love my natural hair too

 

[taz007]

I am going to put in my two cents ...

I can definitely tell who has a successful marriage based on what has been posted.

Sigh...

Let me expound on what I meant by the above statement as all kinds of things are being read into it and assumptions are being made.

I did NOT say that those not in agreement with the way I would handle it do not have successful marriages.

It is my belief that those that stated that they would DISCUSS this with their husbands and would come to a mutual agreement are going to have happy marriages. That is what is meant by the above statement. NOTHING MORE.

As far as MY marriage is concerned, my hair is not a serious enough issue for me to cause strife in my marriage. I have other issues on which I will not budge.

If anyone was offended, that was not my intent.

Hope that was clear.

Now, I am going to be like the other ladies that I admire and unsubscribe.

 

[Bunny77]

You know what? Im sorry but I gotta say this-- I have only had problems like this with black men. Now I will say that there are some black men that will kill for a natural sista, but my man (who happens to be white) and others before him (either white or asian), did not have a problem with my hair. It was alway the black men who tried to change me ("why don't you straighten your hair?"). This is not a case of having a man or not-- I doubt everyone that doesn't have a man be it bf or husband lost them due to having a brain thus being able to make their own decisions. There are MANY women that cater to their men and still get cheated on, or just plain left in the dust. People are saying "Relaxing your hair is not a big deal to save your marriage", well is it not true that his wife wanting natural hair shouldn't cause strife in the marriage either?

Went back to read what I missed yesterday... girl....

I feel ya!!!

 

[DDTexlaxed]

I can relate, DLove. I am praying that your decision will please both you and your hubby. Be blessed and happy!