Dh Is Working My Nerves

Kinkyhairlady

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
Hi Ladies

I have not posted in the relationship forum in a while but today I need some advice cause I’m at my wits end. DH has a friend that is new to the states which in the beginning I had no issues with but that friend seems to get DH time more then me. All week we both work, DH works overnights and since this friend has a soccer team he’s part of DH just joined. Now I would not have an issue if DH did not just get off an overnight shift and then goes to play soccer and later he has rehearsal for service in the morning. That means his whole Saturday is gone. I’m currently expecting can’t do much and things like cleaning the tub and doing laundry he could have done this morning instead of being out. I don’t think I’m being petty I just feel like he has responsibilities at home and this friend does not. DH thinks I’m being annoying complaining for nothing. If I was not pregnant I’d probably not care I’d do the chores but right now I can’t and feel neglected in a way. I’m starting to despise this friend honestly. Though he’s a nice person I just feel like if he was a real friend he’d say hey maybe you should not join the team now cause you just got out of work and you’re wife is preggo at home. That’s what a real friend would say but instead everyone is selfish in this case! I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to stress myself cause my main priority is my baby but this is pissing me off.
 
Hmmmm....having a break/being active/getting some social time/having fun vs staying home to do drudge work...this is a case where if you force the issue and 'win', he will resent you for it. He would have to want to give it up.

Is it possible you are resentful yourself because you lacking your own free, social, fun time? You can be pregnant and active. It can make you feel more balanced, healthier, happier.

Is there a compromise, like Sunday chores or spreading chores more throughout week so you both get more time for personal time and romantic time together? You both can burn out if 99% of your time/attention is focused on career work and house work.

Congratulations on your baby!
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
A cleaner? Well I did think of hiring a maid before I deliver so the house could be spotless but that’s not the point. He should realize he has duties to do on a Saturday to help me out.
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You can’t make anybody do want they don’t want to do. So hire a cleaner and don’t stress over it, because that’s not what the main issue is. You want him home with you, and he ain’t there like you want him to be. Now you can address it and see if you get the results you are looking for, or you can get active.
 
Congratulations on your baby! I agree with everyone that said hire a cleaner/maid service. DH and I have 2 kids under 4 and we hired a maid service when we were expecting our first bc we don't want to spend the time we have together cleaning.

I know you shouldn't have to ask, but men are sometimes clueless (and not maliciously so). Have you told your DH you would like to spend more time together? I don't think you should blame/resent the friend or expect the friend to tell your DH to spend time at home, that's your DH's responsibility.
 
Reinventing21 said:
Hmmmm....having a break/being active/getting some social time/having fun vs staying home to do drudge work...this is a case where if you force the issue and 'win', he will resent you for it. He would have to want to give it up.

Is it possible you are resentful yourself because you lacking your own free, social, fun time? You can be pregnant and active. It can make you feel more balanced, healthier, happier.

Is there a compromise, like Sunday chores or spreading chores more throughout week so you both get more time for personal time and romantic time together? You both can burn out if 99% of your time/attention is focused on career work and house work.

Congratulations on your baby!
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The problem is I’m high risk can’t do much without having aches and pain and we already have a toddler. If I could be active I would but half the time I’m waddling around after a toddler and picking up after him. DH needs to make the temporary sacrifice while I’m in this state. Also I’m concerned about him not getting enough sleep. Working overnight then going to play a game and come home and sleep couple hours is not smart it will catch up to him. I don’t care about spending time with him now I just need the chores done and more help around the house. Like I had to do laundry today well that’s canceled cause I’ve think I’ve been having Braxton hicks and feel discomfort. Can’t ask him cause he’s sleeping
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
The problem is I’m high risk can’t do much without having aches and pain and we already have a toddler. If I could be active I would but half the time I’m waddling around after a toddler and picking up after him. DH needs to make the temporary sacrifice while I’m in this state. Also I’m concerned about him not getting enough sleep. Working overnight then going to play a game and come home and sleep couple hours is not smart it will catch up to him. I don’t care about spending time with him now I just need the chores done and more help around the house. Like I had to do laundry today well that’s canceled cause I’ve think I’ve been having Braxton hicks and feel discomfort. Can’t ask him cause he’s sleeping
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If it’s only about getting the chores done, then hire a cleaner. It sounds like you want him to suffer and be uncomfortable because you are, instead of making it easier for the both of you. If staying home didn’t only entail doing chores, he may be inclined to stay home more.
 
If he is laying down on the sofa just kick him and then blame it on the contractions.

Honestly I know you are upset and rightly so, but try not to stress over it. If you don’t feel like cleaning then don’t clean. If he has the nerve to ask about what needs to be cleaned feign a headache, tell him to ask his friend to clean and go lay down.

I truly love the male species but sometimes they are just clueless.
 
I’m not going to say anything. I know if he sees a cleaner come here he’ll say I have money to waste and start yapping. He’s neglecting his duties the little that he has to do around the house and does not even realize it’s hurting me. With our first I was able to do more but recall asking him to clean out the fridge before I delivered nope he did not do so and I was so embarrassed coming home from the hospital and having to throw out leftovers in from of my mom and sisters. Maybe it’s the pregnancy but this irks me to ask for something to be done and it don’t done. When he does do them he mentions it for weeks like sir you need to stay on top of it!
 
A
Kinkyhairlady said:
The problem is I’m high risk can’t do much without having aches and pain and we already have a toddler. If I could be active I would but half the time I’m waddling around after a toddler and picking up after him. DH needs to make the temporary sacrifice while I’m in this state. Also I’m concerned about him not getting enough sleep. Working overnight then going to play a game and come home and sleep couple hours is not smart it will catch up to him. I don’t care about spending time with him now I just need the chores done and more help around the house. Like I had to do laundry today well that’s canceled cause I’ve think I’ve been having Braxton hicks and feel discomfort. Can’t ask him cause he’s sleeping[/QU

Ahhh...my answer changes a tad based on the info you both have a toddler already and are having difficulties with the pregnancy. Yeah him running off that long and expecti g you to keep up with house and toddler and pregnancy would have me super pissed too.

I understand why he wants to do, but his timing is very poor. Be honest with him. A cleaning service may help, and you getting some relief too will take edge off if you both have access to a baby sitter. He needs to understand you afe already sacrificing so he needs to as well. It isis only temporary. You are not saying he can never play, but yeah, youboth need to calmly discuss how you can fairly make this journey easier on both of you. Hugs as I know this is not easy.
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Kinkyhairlady, I get it. You have an able-bodied partner who is carrying on living his best life while you are there uncomfortable and surrounded by crap that needs to be done. You probably want it to be "your turn" where you can relax and let someone else carry the load that you always probably carry. You need to be rescued but no one is coming to your aid. I get it (at least I think I do). And, yeah, you could hire someone, but why the hell should you have to when your husband could chip in more.

I don't know what advice to give you. I just wanted to say I hear you.
 
Nay said:
Kinkyhairlady, I get it. You have an able-bodied partner who is carrying on living his best life while you are there uncomfortable and surrounded by crap that needs to be done. You probably want it to be "your turn" where you can relax and let someone else carry the load that you always probably carry. You need to be rescued but no one is coming to your aid. I get it (at least I think I do). And, yeah, you could hire someone, but why the hell should you have to when your husband could chip in more.

I don't know what advice to give you. I just wanted to say I hear you.
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They should hire help because no one wants to work overnights and come home only to sleep and do chores. Just as no one want to be pregnant and come home from work to do chores, that the person who works overnights didn’t want to do. It’s just a source of stress for everyone. She can’t make him do anything. She can only alleviate her own stress.

Also, no one wants the measure of their contribution to their family or rather they are carrying their load to come down to whether or not they cleaned out the tub on Saturday morning. That’s why they should hire someone.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I’m not going to say anything. I know if he sees a cleaner come here he’ll say I have money to waste and start yapping. He’s neglecting his duties the little that he has to do around the house and does not even realize it’s hurting me. With our first I was able to do more but recall asking him to clean out the fridge before I delivered nope he did not do so and I was so embarrassed coming home from the hospital and having to throw out leftovers in from of my mom and sisters. Maybe it’s the pregnancy but this irks me to ask for something to be done and it don’t done. When he does do them he mentions it for weeks like sir you need to stay on top of it!
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Yeah, but you're high risk and you have a toddler. You shouldn't be lifting a finger. It doesn't seem like he wants to/or is going to do more than he's doing now so go ahead and get the cleaner.
 
Theresamonet, I'm not saying she shouldn't hire help, per se. I was just saying that sometimes we can get resentful in a situation where we don't feel "rescued" by our husbands. It's just human nature.

Or, hell, maybe that's just me. I figure if I can do X, Y, and Z then why can't you do it too if you see that I'm in need. The issue isn't the chore really, it's the feeling of knowing you've got my back.

Anyway, I hope they figure it out.
 
I don't blame you for being mad at his friend but your husband is an adult and isn't being forced to play soccer. He is making his own choices.

I completely understand how you feel as I have experienced this before. But stressing over it, being mad at him isn't going to make things better and isn't best for you.
You need to change the way you look at it. If he isnt worried about chores, neither should you. If it bothers you that much, pay someone to do it. If he complains about you wasting money, then tell him there are two option. Either he does it or someone gets paid to do it. Because you don't have to do anything you don't want to but neither does he.

My husband and I have been together a few years and he understands one of my many mottos when it comes to chores and being at a stalemate so to speak. "He who is bothered by something will take care of it". For instance, If the pile of clean laundry bothers him, he is free to fold it, otherwise I will get to it when I get to it coz it obviously isnt bothering me. And vice versa. This took care of a lot of stress and resentment either of us felt especially in the beginning of our marriage when we believed the other "had" to get certain things done. Plus we are now fine with paying for cleaning services.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
The problem is I’m high risk can’t do much without having aches and pain and we already have a toddler. If I could be active I would but half the time I’m waddling around after a toddler and picking up after him. DH needs to make the temporary sacrifice while I’m in this state. Also I’m concerned about him not getting enough sleep. Working overnight then going to play a game and come home and sleep couple hours is not smart it will catch up to him. I don’t care about spending time with him now I just need the chores done and more help around the house. Like I had to do laundry today well that’s canceled cause I’ve think I’ve been having Braxton hicks and feel discomfort. Can’t ask him cause he’s sleeping
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Girl I have been there and done that. High risk, bed rest, caring for another 6-7 month old to a toddler walking around, and worked nights. I cooked and cleaned my house. I made sure everything stayed in order. I would only get 3 hours of sleep. Had all of the issues you had and probably more. Even went to marriage counseling.. lol so yeah like I said before, hire you a cleaner. You got some friends or family around? Ask for help. Get out as much as you can, and don’t stress yourself. He will fall in line, or he won’t, but at this stage in the game, your health and that little one’s inside development is the most important thing right now. I don’t know if all of the stress, or sickness I went through caused something to happen to my baby in the womb, but can’t go back and change anything now. My child is here and is growing strong.
 
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I've been married for 19 years and in that time we have grown to understand and respect each other's way little by little.
For too many years, I fell into talking about what he wasn't doing. We always needed to have a talk...(nagging), mothering my husband by assuming that my way was best, and that generally speaking I was much smarter than him. I was resentful of the fact that he took care of his needs which highly included making time for having fun and recreation. He'd be at home in front of the tv playing video games while I was doing all of the "adult" work.
I had to learn that its not worth it to guilt or complain him into spending quality time with me, or helping me around the house.
My advice is to please just let go of trying to control your DH. Hire a cleaner, get a sitter, fill as much of your time as you like with doing things that make you laugh, that make you feel good, pampered, and well cared for. Not to be petty, but because you have to care for yourself, it is a necessity! I had a terrible habit of not taking care of myself and then being angry with my DH for not noticing all the ways I was short changed. Assume when you have a difference of opinion that you are both absolutely right. Happily receive his goodness, and remind yourself of all the ways that your husband gets it right.
Since I began focusing on fulfilling my joy and encouraging his joy, I've noticed that my husband wants to hang out with me far more than he used to when I was busy telling him what to do. He also supports whatever I need in order to keep me smiling. He may be uncomfortable in the very short term with the added expenses, but he will appreciate coming home to a wife that is well rested and happy. Please don't do anything you don't want to do or are not able to do! Fill your happiness cup! Give him the right to decide how much sleep and recreation he needs! Things will get better!
 
classychic1908 said:
I've been married for 19 years and in that time we have grown to understand and respect each other's way little by little.
For too many years, I fell into talking about what he wasn't doing. We always needed to have a talk...(nagging), mothering my husband by assuming that my way was best, and that generally speaking I was much smarter than him. I was resentful of the fact that he took care of his needs which highly included making time for having fun and recreation. He'd be at home in front of the tv playing video games while I was doing all of the "adult" work.
I had to learn that its not worth it to guilt or complain him into spending quality time with me, or helping me around the house.
My advice is to please just let go of trying to control your DH. Hire a cleaner, get a sitter, fill as much of your time as you like with doing things that make you laugh, that make you feel good, pampered, and well cared for. Not to be petty, but because you have to care for yourself, it is a necessity! I had a terrible habit of not taking care of myself and then being angry with my DH for not noticing all the ways I was short changed. Assume when you have a difference of opinion that you are both absolutely right. Happily receive his goodness, and remind yourself of all the ways that your husband gets it right.
Since I began focusing on fulfilling my joy and encouraging his joy, I've noticed that my husband wants to hang out with me far more than he used to when I was busy telling him what to do. He also supports whatever I need in order to keep me smiling. He may be uncomfortable in the very short term with the added expenses, but he will appreciate coming home to a wife that is well rested and happy. Please don't do anything you don't want to do or are not able to do! Fill your happiness cup! Give him the right to decide how much sleep and recreation he needs! Things will get better!
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Golden advice!

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Agreed with the recommendation to get a cleaner. It is revolutionary! If he does not like the expense, he’ll be welcome to chip in more and clean around the house (likely, not happening). So you end up getting what you want done and he understands your need (even if by proxy through the cost of a cleaning service).

I’m like you. I can’t be around a messy house. When I was pregnant and had a toddler we had a system (granted DH is great at chipping in). But cleaners and clothes folding services were life savers.

As to him working nights and going to play the next day and only sleeping two hours, is it a once a week occurrence? Can he make up the lack of sleep otherwise or is he going to play several times a week? I know nagging a man is futile, but if it’s the latter, then burning his own health for the sake of “fun time” is rather infantile. That’s the kind of situation that would invite frank talk, not in an argumentative tone, but in a sincere way that highlights your true concerns.

“I’m worried when you don’t get enough sleep. You have to drive to ... and I’m worried the exhaustion might catch up to you at the wrong time. We really don’t want to lose you that way.”

These are the things that run through the mind of a soon-to-be mom of two. Share those vs. nag. You’re in a partnership, and unless he’s a heartless SOB, he is likely to respond to you expressing your vulnerability.
 
Ladies as I was complaining today I was not feeling great. Light mentrual cramps which I thought might be Braxton hicks. DH came home slept a little woke up to get ready for rehearsal and those cramps started getting stronger. I was mad at him but had to speak and say I think I need to go to the hospital. Long story short we had our second son at 33weeks. He weights 4.15 lbs and is currently in the NICU. Now DH has to go home and clean cause we will be having visitors ironically but all jokes aside I pray our little guy will be ok. He’s doing well right now. May Gods grace continue to cover him. What a strange day but a blessed one.

Also thank you ladies for all the advice. My focus is our new baby and now I’m going to focus on me too. Not going to let my life be consumed with kids, cleaning etc. hopefully things will get better.
 
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Kinkyhairlady said:
Ladies as I was complaining today I was not feeling great. Light mentrual cramps which I thought might be Braxton hicks. DH came home slept a little woke up to get ready for rehearsal and those cramps started getting stronger. I was mad at him but had to speak and say I think I need to go to the hospital. Long story short we had our second son at 33weeks. He weights 4.15 lbs and is currently in the NICU. Now DH has to go home and clean cause we will be having visitors ironically but all jokes aside I pray our little guy will be ok. He’s doing well right now. May Gods grace continue to cover him. What a strange day but a blessed one.
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Congrats @Kinkyhairlady

And hugs to you and your precious son!!!! Prayers going up for you! I had my first at 34 weeks so I know how scary it can be to see them so tiny and vulnerable.

Don’t stress out about DH, things will fall into place. Focus on loving that sweet pea. :2inlove:
 
Lean back
Don’t nag about it
Let him come to you and initiate

Focus on You
-Hire someone to clean
-Go out with your friends to get active.

Be sweet but firm
Always be sweet when talking to him but tell him how you feel
Example sandwich technique:
Honey I really appreciate everything you do for me and our baby that will be here any day now. I really respectful your leadership baby. But lately I’ve been feeling exhausted with doing the housework alone. The baby is really wearing me out. I would like some help around the house. What do you think? <—-what do you think is most important.

If he doesn’t want to pay money for a maid or help you out around the house say babe may I have your card to get a few things for the baby and groceries? Go to the grocery store. Buy some groceries. Get $100 cash back. You use this money to pay for a maid. And take yourself out with your friends. Repeat. (Do not tell him about this. It’s your feminine mystique.)
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Ladies as I was complaining today I was not feeling great. Light mentrual cramps which I thought might be Braxton hicks. DH came home slept a little woke up to get ready for rehearsal and those cramps started getting stronger. I was mad at him but had to speak and say I think I need to go to the hospital. Long story short we had our second son at 33weeks. He weights 4.15 lbs and is currently in the NICU. Now DH has to go home and clean cause we will be having visitors ironically but all jokes aside I pray our little guy will be ok. He’s doing well right now. May Gods grace continue to cover him. What a strange day but a blessed one.

Also thank you ladies for all the advice. My focus is our new baby and now I’m going to focus on me too. Not going to let my life be consumed with kids, cleaning etc. hopefully things will get better.
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Awww Congratulations my love! I missed this message!
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
The problem is I’m high risk can’t do much without having aches and pain and we already have a toddler. If I could be active I would but half the time I’m waddling around after a toddler and picking up after him. DH needs to make the temporary sacrifice while I’m in this state. Also I’m concerned about him not getting enough sleep. Working overnight then going to play a game and come home and sleep couple hours is not smart it will catch up to him. I don’t care about spending time with him now I just need the chores done and more help around the house. Like I had to do laundry today well that’s canceled cause I’ve think I’ve been having Braxton hicks and feel discomfort. Can’t ask him cause he’s sleeping
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You're stressing yourself with this checklist of what your husband should do and needs to do.
If you want the chores done and he's not doing them you can either - pay someone else, accept that you don't control when they're going to be done and deal with that, or start a fight over tub cleaning that will spill over into your resentment at bring home while he's out (which is what it all this is about anyway) . A smart person will choose whichever solution best suits her circumstances.

If you want your husband home more then make home more inviting by dealing with YOUR issues so that you're less stressed and consequently more pleasant to be around. This is not about bending over backwards to please him. It's about managing yourself so that your days are enjoyable. Fill your time so that you're not resentful. Bingewatch something. I recommend the Maya Angelou doccie on Netflix (I watched it recently and want everyone to watch it too). Read. Write. Cook. Don't sit around annoyed that you're home alone. That's YOUR time, YOU need to figure out how to use it effectively. Entertaining you or keeping you occupied is NOT your husband's job.

And you want to tell a grown man he's not getting enough sleep?! Say you're joking about that.

You'll be happier then sooner you address the real issue. Wanting your husband home with you when you're heavily pregnant is nothing to be ashamed of or in denial about. We all have personal development work to do, it's ok to be workin on being ok.

Edit: congratulations on the new baby
 
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