Dating a man with a minor child...*rant*
- Thread starter ElizaBlue
- Start date
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Nope, not tripping IMO. We are close to the same age and the situation you described would bother me as well. It hurt me a little when you said, "I just cannot see me being second for the next 10 or 11 years." That there to me is your answer. You want a man who can make you his priority. At 48 and after raising your son, that is not too much to ask. You will feel like you have to compete with his daughter for his attention and you will always lose. I don't think he is the one for you.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Oh bless you...so I'm not being a selfish itch...lol. He got so defensive and then I was just feeling like if this is dating what would happen if we got married.
I really feel like as the daughter gets older she will become more demanding because that is how he is positioning her to be. Whatever she wants...
RocStar
Well-Known Member
I have never dated anyone with kids, but I think I would rather have a guy who would pick seeing his daughter over seeing me, as opposed to the other way around where he picks seeing me over his daughter. I think that speaks a lot to his character.
I can't say if you are tripping or not, but I do think you need to sit down and have a serious and open conversation with him about this to see where you both really stand. Good luck!
I can't say if you are tripping or not, but I do think you need to sit down and have a serious and open conversation with him about this to see where you both really stand. Good luck!
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
ITA...but it's the can't do both that bothers me. Of course I'm impressed and happy that he is so hands on...but I don't want a relationship where there is no flexibility...ever. Because there has already been a date delayed because on a day she wasn't there the mom called and needed something the daughter had to have. So I waited while he took care of it.
So yeah there will be times that even though it's not her scheduled visit that he will have to be present. So I just thought because today was New Year's he could have found a few minutes to come by.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear this ElizaBlue. Personally, I couldn't do it, but you have to weigh your options.
Technically, his daughter will always come first, next the ex-wife, THEN you. Also, men tend to not be able to multi-task like women. In a woman's mind, it's quite logical that he'd drop his daughter off at the family's house and then drop by to see you during that same time frame; in his mind, it's too much. A lot of times when people get around family and get comfortable, it's hard to tear yourself away to go elsewhere. IMO, I think once you meet the family, it may be a little easier because then you'll be included in the gatherings as well. I've never experienced this situation and hope to never have to, but I hope everything works out the way you want.
Technically, his daughter will always come first, next the ex-wife, THEN you. Also, men tend to not be able to multi-task like women. In a woman's mind, it's quite logical that he'd drop his daughter off at the family's house and then drop by to see you during that same time frame; in his mind, it's too much. A lot of times when people get around family and get comfortable, it's hard to tear yourself away to go elsewhere. IMO, I think once you meet the family, it may be a little easier because then you'll be included in the gatherings as well. I've never experienced this situation and hope to never have to, but I hope everything works out the way you want.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
No, you are not being an itch. And I'm not even sure it's so much about his parenting as it is about his situation. He's newly divorced and wants to be a good dad, he needs to be a good dad. You guys are just at different stations in life. And he can't give you what you want.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
nadaa16 How am I making him choose? He is emphatic that he wants this relationship. Am I just suppose to not have any expectations? I fully expect that if I stay and this moves forward I will become a resource for this child as well. So I'm moreso trying to understand how this will all play out.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Zuleika Thank you Z...as much as I like this guy...I'm afraid this is the case. We are soooo compatible...chess...spending habits...being introverts...lol. BUT his family is already bombarding him with questions as to why he is suddenly unavailable now.
Apparently he is the go to, go get it person in the family because he's the only brother who is single. That is a whole "nother" issue...I don't want to be seen and the woman who took him away from family weekend. But I know me...I'm not the one to sit up at anyone's house everyday or every weekend. And maybe he won't be either if this moves forward.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
chocolat79 Wow...okay I never thought about the multi-tasking thing. It did just seem logical to me that if she's playing with others, he could have stepped out for a minute. Thanks.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Zuleika Yes exactly, you got it. I have three kids who although grown are still very very close to me. There will be times when I need to be with one or the other and would hope that I could include him rather than say it's either or. But not just block out a whole weekend of a very important holiday.
I thought they were over there today all day and yesterday too because of the holiday. But when he told me it was because that's just what they do when she is with him...I was just....
. I don't like to say anything is just the way it is and always will be...anything could come up.
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LifeafterLHCF
New Member
I would really think hard is it worth the head ache so early on? If its not then bail now so your not invested.You need a man whose kids are like your grown and on their own for the most part..
hopeful
Well-Known Member
But that's the thing, it's up to him to be the kind of dad he wants to be. You decided on the kind of mother you wanted to be and how balanced you could be and wanted to be. He's doing the best he can right now. He has to figure this out for himself. And right now being "balanced" is the last thing on his mind. That's how us girls think. Men think, keep job, make money, pay all the bills, make sure daughter feels loved and safe, anything else will be squeezed in or left out.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
GoddessMaker
Sadly....you're probably right. We just seemed soooo compatible but for this one thing. Dating is so hard...it really is. But having a child is a all or nothing situation. And the fact of the matter is I just feel like he's still hurt from the wife leaving him and is therefore just a bit too too caught up in this daughter. He gets very sensitive whenever I bring up that the daughter spends time with the mom and her boyfriend and that kids are okay with parents moving on.
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
@GoddessMaker
He gets very sensitive whenever I bring up that the daughter spends time with the mom and her boyfriend and that kids are okay with parents moving on.
I'm young,26, so take my words with a grain of salt.It makes no sense to waste time.Your a 48 year old woman who desires companionship and more.No need to waste time with someone who may be somewhat compatible but really isn't.Your a knockout so you being found by a gentlemen shouldn't be an issue.Your in a good place in your life and you need someone who is in the same place.No sense of investing time say 6 months or more for headache when you can cut your losses and flow.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
GoddessMaker...Aww...thanks sweetie. I typically date guys much younger than me because strangely enough all the men my age are chasing the 20 and 30 somethings...besides...we seem more compatible as well...chess and all...lol.
I just hate to start over again....we met online and both deleted our accounts when we decided to see where this would go. The thought of putting up another profile....makes my head hurt...greatly.
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
ElizaBlue I def understand about starting over.You have to stick to what is important to you.You know you desire someone to be with and to have access to him.This is a reason I wouldn't date a man with a kid bc I expect him to take care of his kid but in the same breathe I don't want to be in mid stroke at 3am and he baby mama calls saying the kid broke her arm.Im going to be salty if he doesn't go but then still salty that he didn't finish..You deserve the best...he will make a great friend just not a boo and bc he is sensitive of the matter he even knows he isn't doing all he can either. I know when we date we are to take a person with all flaws but if the flaws are too much its not worth it.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
GoddessMaker All you say is true. Plus I just believe whole heartedly that when the mom finds out the dad is dating suddenly comes the drama. Let them buy and let them take you and who cares that we're away on vacay...this scares me.
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
@GoddessMaker Exactly...I feel like he is overly compensating with the daughter because of how the marriage ended. And not just about the visits...but how he took her on not one but two shopping sprees two days in a row. He told me she can't wear the same shoes two days in a row and that her mother is the same way.
He thought it was funny...I just stared at the phone and thought what in the world? If she thinks this way at 7 what will happen at 17...
I'm rather frugal and don't believe in kids feeling entitled to shop. Oh well...now to figure out the exit.
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LifeafterLHCF
New Member
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Oh boy...yes you're right...but well...I don't know it may be easier than I think. He got so defensive so maybe it won't be a big deal to him either. He's text me twice since we hung up and I just didn't respond. I know he's thinking this is going badly over here. And he would be correct.
Thanks GM. I really appreciate the convo.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Zuleika This is true...but the daughter was with the mom out of the state. He did however, return to spend Christmas day with his family. But we were together Friday night and half the day on Saturday...so you are probably right he left her with his mom over night and part of that Saturday, so that we could be together.
I don't want to sound unreasonable...I'm thinking I'm just not up for the years to come. I don't like how defensive he became sort of like "oh is this how you are". He didn't actually say that...maybe I just don't like how he didn't want to compromise today....but I hadn't thought about him maybe feeling like he already had.
Dating is hard...lol.
Mik
New Member
I'm engaged to a man with a minor child, she's 7 too. If I can offer any words of encouragement, my fiance wasn't too flexible during the times he had his daughter in the beginning of our relationship either. He did a great job making time for us as a couple, but until we were serious, he didn't want his daughter to meet someone who he was just dating, and he was careful not to let a dating relationship influence his time with her. I didn't meet her until we were about 6 months into our relationship.
Is it possible that his lack of flexibility is just temporary until he's ready for the two of you to meet each other? I respect men who put their children first, especially since it is their job to protect their children. As long as they can find some balance once they decide to seriously commit to someone its OK...but that process isn't instant. Sometimes you have to vet someone to see if they are worth it.
Is it possible that his lack of flexibility is just temporary until he's ready for the two of you to meet each other? I respect men who put their children first, especially since it is their job to protect their children. As long as they can find some balance once they decide to seriously commit to someone its OK...but that process isn't instant. Sometimes you have to vet someone to see if they are worth it.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
@Mik Thanks for the input. So you are engaged to this man now? Do you have kids? How is the relationship with the bio mom? Does the child seem jealous of you. Sorry for all the questions...but I'm just really curious how this could work out.
What you've said makes good sense...he is a great guy...and I'm really looking for a reason to stay or to go. Right now I feel like I have more reasons to go...lol.
I also felt that way the first time he drove us out of town...I hated that he drove so slow and wouldn't drive in the fast lane....
But the next time we did it I drove my truck and he followed, this time he drove like me....fast and furious...
So my point is...he wasn't how I thought he was at first...so maybe just maybe...I should just slow it down a bit and see who and how he is once a bit of time has passed.
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
He went to his brother's house to watch the game while his child played. He was at the parent's house while his child played. He is not interacting/spending time with his daughter, he is just there while she is there. He could have dropped by for about 5 mins and then went back.
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