Cultivating "Indifference to Unholiness"

[Dak]

Last week I received a very toxic letter from someone that used to be a close friend. I had to cut off the relationship with her, because I had begun to feel that she was beginning to bully me into doing things she wanted; I finally came to the realization that a real friend would never ask for more than is freely given.

When I broke off our friendship, I basically just stopped making contact. She had wanted me to do something for her, I said no, she threw a tantrum and hung up on me. She contacted me several times later, always justifying her position, but never once asking and listening to what I might have felt. She's a classic Leo, it's all about her. This happened about 5 years ago.

So last week I got a letter from her, like all this has happened yesterday. She starts by lamenting the tragedy in Haiti and in the same sentence jumps to the "loss of our long and enduring friendship has caused me so much pain over these years we have been asunder." OK, she's white, so now anything relating to black people reminds her of me? Saying stuff like "but I trusted you with my heart" and "As I write this tears are falling" & "I have little value to you at all." She seems to have expected unending friendship with no consideration on her part. She says I don't have to answer, "Any excuse or criticism of me or lack of interest from you only hurts more. Just know that I am still your loving friend even if you're not here." So basically, it seems she's just dumping on me.

This all came in at 2 am in the morning. I feel bad for her, but I've long moved on. I'm debating whether or not I should reply. The thing is, if I respond, it will start a dialog with her and I'm not up for that right now. I don't want to get sucked into her craziness. Hence the title to my thread. One reason to write back would be for her to see why I walked away.

Any thoughts?

 

[southerncitygirl]

let it be, you can forgive but you don't have to forget move on, this woman is a egotistical nutcase. You know you deserve better. If you see her in passing speak but keep it moving. i think its funny she thought of haiti when she thought of you...were you her token black friend.....i don't care for most white folks but especially ones like this, relationships of any kind are give and take and about compromise. sounds like she drains an awful lot of energy why open yourself up to this. she probably not even likely to understand where you are coming from if you explain your side of things cause she's so delusional. silently wish her well and be on your merry way, you seem to be doing fine without her. she thinks she's slick trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate the situation.

fyi: i think this is supposed to be in the off topic section.

 

[Dak]

Thank you SouthernCityGirl, I appreciate your feedback. You're right, I could spend time writing her a letter, but she would twist around and not hear what I'm saying anyway. She's still trying to manipulate me,this time with guilt.

I should have put this in the off topic forum, it was a girl friend relationship, not the other kind, I'm married to a man.

Moderators, feel free to move it.

 

[aribell]

She says I don't have to answer, "Any excuse or criticism of me or lack of interest from you only hurts more. Just know that I am still your loving friend even if you're not here." So basically, it seems she's just dumping on me.

I think the above says a lot. It seems like she hasn't asked for reconciliation even, and isn't open to hearing about your feelings. So it seems like you don't have to respond at all if it's not in you to do so. And even if you did, it seems like it might just dredge up an old conflict, especially if she's not interested in actually making things right.

 

[Mai Tai]

Dak,

Congrats for being courageous enough to remove such a toxic and manipulative person from your life. You should not feel any guilt for doing whats best for you and your sanity.

You can never win with people like this. People that feel as if the world owes them, or have a sense of entitlement that pressures you to do things you don't want to will always try to make you feel bad about something. If you write her back she will find a reason to blame you for her pain. If you don't write her back, she will find a reason to blame you for her distrust in you. You really can't win, so I suggest you do some soul searching and determine whether you feel an explanation for your absence will make you feel better...not her.

 

[Dak]

Mai Tai, thank you. There's a part of me that doesn't want to see anyone in pain, especially over me, and wants to release her from this. But I can't do it. No honest feeling from me communicated to her will make it any better.

Once, a few years ago now, I ran into her and she asked me if I missed her. I lied, I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I said yes. She said "Good." I'm not going to lie again.

 

[Ltown]

I feel for you sometime it better to let go and move on. I cutoff a friend last year because all we did was argue, she would not call me and tell me what was wrong just ignore me for a couple of days. She critical of others but don't like feedback. Our last discussion was in a text, can you believe it. I tried to get her to meet but she wants to discuss it over the phone. Well you can bull**** over the phone and email, face to face will show true express. She always ask for me to do things for her and at first I tried to support her as a single parent myself but it got to be too much. We have a mutual friend that brought us together in the first place and she has continue to try to get us to makeup. I don't like drama and really feel better not having someone use me all the time. Dak you have been feeling so good without her and probably not lacking any need for friendship because you have already replace her with someone that cares and is a true friend.

 

[hopeful]

I would not respond to her.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I think the above says a lot. It seems like she hasn't asked for reconciliation even, and isn't open to hearing about your feelings. So it seems like you don't have to respond at all if it's not in you to do so. And even if you did, it seems like it might just dredge up an old conflict, especially if she's not interested in actually making things right.

I agree. Its a catch-22. If you dont respond, she's hurt. If you do respond but say how you feel, she's hurt. Either way she's hurt. I'd take the road of less drama and not respond.

Unless of course you want reconciliation with her or you are crafty in writing letters that arent accusing.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Mai Tai, thank you. There's a part of me that doesn't want to see anyone in pain, especially over me, and wants to release her from this. But I can't do it. No honest feeling from me communicated to her will make it any better.

Once, a few years ago now, I ran into her and she asked me if I missed her. I lied, I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I said yes. She said "Good." I'm not going to lie again.

Take your feelings out of it. She's not losing sleep by manipulating you, so you should not lose sleep by cutting ties. With these types of people, you need to be able to realize regardless of how good you treat them, it is not going to rub off on them. Their pursuits are always going to be selfish. "Did you miss me"? How narcissistic is that.

 

[missjones]

I would have put that letter in the trash right after I read it once.

 

[Dak]

Thank you all for responding, it's really helped hearing someone else say, she's delusional, a drama queen, narcissistic.

Her husband is a really sweet guy, DH & I like him a lot. So when I cut contact, DH lost the benefit of us socializing together, and honestly, we haven't found another couple that we both enjoy. So I haven't had a lot of support from DH with this. I have friends & so does DH, just not a couple.