Couples Arguing In Public

[ZapMami]

How do you handle disagreements in public? My narcissist SO does not care what people think about him, period, so if he's feeling any kind of way about anything, he will discuss it anywhere. He was upset about something I did, so chose to bring it up in the grocery store parking lot yesterday. I asked could we please handle this later. He went in on me. Basically said no, it's all about me all the time, and he is not tired of having to make me comfortable all the time. He's not going to bite his tongue cause I'm worried about what people think of me. He doesn't give a F about these people. He went on and on for about three- five minutes. Then he storms away from the car and goes into one of the neighboring stores. I pretty much did not say anything while he was venting, cause I know this man and me saying something, anything, would have made the situation worse. I just put on my sunglasses and slumped down into the seat of my car. When he stormed away I just sat in the car and waited for him to cool off. We had several white onlookers during the whole ordeal, who look liked they were seconds from calling the police. He lives in a predominately white area and trust me, they are nosy as hell especially when it comes to us. Eventually he cools down and comes back to the car and I take him home.

Do you think it is unreasonable for me to ask to discuss personal matters later on when we are alone? This is not the first time this has happened with us, but definitely the most embarrassing. I can't recall one time where I witnessed my parents arguing in public.

 

[LivingInPeace]

This is immature, controlling behavior on his part. I would not stand for it. You’re not going to embarrass me in public and expect me to want to continue the relationship. He’s being abusive and you need to leave him before it gets worse.

 

[meka72]

This is immature, controlling behavior on his part. I would not stand for it. You’re not going to embarrass me in public and expect me to want to continue the relationship. He’s being abusive and you need to leave him before it gets worse.

I agree with everything you’ve said. @ZapMami you are not being unreasonable by asking to keep your disagreements private AND not to be humiliated in public.

 

[sarumoki]

You're with this guy because...?

 

[LiftedUp]

I wish he would! I would've walked away, jumped in MY car, go to MY place, pack HIS stuff and leave it by the door.

Needless to say, you should leave.

I can't recall either one of us getting that angry in public but we may get annoyed over the most mundane things (like arriving late for something). It's usually not that serious to bring it up later. However we respect each other enough to not embarrass each other in public or private.

 

[natural in ATL]

This is a huge red flag. I’d really consider whether you want to be in relationship with someone who says things like he’s “tired of having to make you comfortable”. Isn’t that what a relationship should be based on? I felt sad reading this. You deserve better.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

If this situation is so bad that a convo can't wait until there's some privacy, we probably don't need to be public together...or at all.

Sorry you were in that situation

 

[Foxglove]

Sorry this seems like somebody who in additional to emotional abuse would likely escalate things and get physical in the future. I don’t see this ending well for you and would get out now

 

[blessedandfavoured]

@ZapMami - Sis, run!
It will only get worse. He does not respect you, and he does not respect himself. This is a flashing NEON SIGN!!!
Trust, it will only get worse. May God give you the grace to run!!

ETA - Let Tom Cruise inspire you:

 

[FoxxyLocs]

DH and I have never argued in public. This is a huge red flag. Leave him alone sis.

 

[MilkChocolateOne]

 

[kimpaur]

This is abusive
You're in a relationship with an abusive man

 

[Lymegreen]

It is not to much to ask the person who Loves you would not humiliate you.

He may have learned this from his family but it doesn’t really matter does it? You will still be humiliated while he gives no F’s

 

[Sosoothing]

His behavior is a sign of emotional disabilities that shouldn't be your burden.

End the relationship.

 

[God_Favor]

You know you’re not being unreasonable, this man child got you thinking you’re the crazy one. It’s him. This was a private matter.


What made him so mad? What else has he done to make you think he is a narcissist?

 

[Karmi]

@blessedandfavoured best visual advice I’ve ever seen

The first word of your post indicated why you should not be with this man... “My narcissistic SO”. They are vampires and will suck all the joy out of your life.
You deserve a man that will always strive to make you comfortable. That’s love.

 

[PopLife]

Do yourself a huge favor and end things now.
If he would treat you this way in public, imagine what he would do to you behind closed doors.

This is classic behavior of a man with anger issues, trust me you do not want to take on that baggage.

 

[ArrrBeee]

@ZapMami

I experienced this type of behavior in my marriage. It took me a long time to gather up the strength and courage to leave. It started with small things and continued with subtle escalations. I didn't have a supportive community. My mom would have blamed me for not being accommodating (before we got married she told him to not let me get my way). So I stayed and endured his tantrums and emotional and verbal abuse. My health started to decline. I suffered from frequent asthma attacks and headaches.

He punched a hole in the wall and told me things would get worse. On the evening of my board exam, he yelled and screamed because of something I didn't do. I had to leave and go study at Barnes and Noble. I made plans to leave and slept with a knife under my pillow just in case he tried me. No one should live like that.

I'm sharing my story because I could have written your post. It is unreasonable for you to think he's going to change just because you ask him to. He's already shown you that he doesn't care about your feelings. It will get worse. I promise. My ex never hit me, but he assaulted his next wife and got criminal charges.

Leave while you can. Don't tell him, just do it.

 

[blupeace]

How do you handle disagreements in public? My narcissist SO does not care what people think about him, period, so if he's feeling any kind of way about anything, he will discuss it anywhere. He was upset about something I did, so chose to bring it up in the grocery store parking lot yesterday. I asked could we please handle this later. He went in on me. Basically said no, it's all about me all the time, and he is not tired of having to make me comfortable all the time. He's not going to bite his tongue cause I'm worried about what people think of me. He doesn't give a F about these people. He went on and on for about three- five minutes. Then he storms away from the car and goes into one of the neighboring stores. ...

1.

2. +1 to all of the advice given in this thread so far. You deserve much better.

 

[MrsMe]

Girl, you're better than me. I would have left his behind right there. *I* am driving MY car and you proceed to yell and embarrass me in public? Public transportation and/or Uber would have become his best friend.
This man is showing you his cards and there's nothing ambiguous about his behavior. He is not just a narcissist, he's abusive, controlling and has anger management issues.
Run, just run. Don't even look back.

 

[Dposh167]

If he's a true narcissist, it doesn't matter how you feel. He won't ever care about your feelings or humiliation. Narcissists are perfectly ok with embarrassing you in public if need be. They only care about themselves and THEIR feelings. Humiliating and belittling you is a way for them to feel good about themselves. Trust, I've been through it with my ex narcissist. He made me cry at a bar, and practically cussed me out in front of the bar tender without any empathy or regard for my feelings. I barely remember what the argument was about, but it certainly wasn't something that needed to escalate to that point.

If you know for a fact, he's a narcissist....girl you better rethink this entire relationship.

 

[MissNina]

If you didn’t say he was narcissistic, I would say advise him to go see someone. He sounds like he came from an abusive household and none of that has anything to do with you.

But if he’s a narc, there isn’t any hope for him. He’ll be like this to the end and you don’t want that life.

 

[awhyley]

Eventually he cools down and comes back to the car and I take him home.

You take him home, after he carried on like a spoiled brat, after throwing a tantrum. He maybe acting like a child, but you're definitely not not his mother.

He's not going to bite his tongue cause I'm worried about what people think of me.

He's already trying to make you feel paranoid. In his mind, only what he thinks matters, and this is a problem. You've already identified him as a narcissist, so why subject yourself to this crap? You can do better, even if it's being by yourself.

We had several white onlookers during the whole ordeal, who look liked they were seconds from calling the police. He lives in a predominately white area and trust me, they are nosy as hell especially when it comes to us.

I don't think that this is a color issue. They see what he's like, and were probably more concerned for you than he was. Couples can have disagreements in public, but a blowup of that magnitude where people are about to call the police, that's too much. Protect your mental and emotional health, he's not worth it.

(eta: Sidenote: I'm glad that this topic came up. Thanks for posting OP)

 

[Miss_C]

Oh girl.

Break up with him, please.

 

[Bette Davis Eyes]

You deserve better.

 

[hopeful]

I would suggest that you get some time to yourself, away from him, and think about how he treats you ongoingly, how he makes you feel, and what kind of partner you want. Seek outside support if necessary to sort through everything. He sounds abusive and unkind. I’m sure he can also be very sweet and charming at times but that’s not enough to sustain a happy and healthy relationship. Most abusive men can be quite loving at times. That’s what keeps women hooked. But how he is behaving is not normal. If you have fallen in love with him, it will be hard to leave. You have to give yourself the love and safety you are craving from him and save yourself. You can do it. I am so sorry he upset you and embarrassed you. But you can do better. Take charge of your beautiful life and self. He is not the boss of you. Try your best to heal that part of you that thinks you deserve this or that it’s your fault or that you can fix this.

I would recommend the following books:
•Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
•Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists
by Sandra L. Brown
&
•Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

Wishing you the best. You got this!

ETA: this is a good website too: https://outofthefog.website/

 

[God_Favor]

Has

Girl, you're better than me. I would have left his behind right there. *I* am driving MY car and you proceed to yell and embarrass me in public? Public transportation and/or Uber would have become his best friend.
This man is showing you his cards and there's nothing ambiguous about his behavior. He is not just a narcissist, he's abusive, controlling and has anger management issues.
Run, just run. Don't even look back.

I just saw a meme that stated all black folks know this line isn’t a compliment lol .... We know what it translates too

 

[TrulyBlessed]

He’s a man child, controlling and abusive. Please put yourself first and keep it moving

 

[sgold04]

Get out.

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

This doesn't sound good at all.

please listen to the posts above me.

Why are you still with him? (rhetorical question)