Confessional: My Relationship issues and bringing it to the floor....

[bluediamond0829]

Last night I sat down and after having a little cry and wondering why i havent had any successful relationships with men(even in high school or college) i realized something that yes i have to account that part of it was because of my choice of men and what i wanted to shape them into being(which i know you cant shape someone into something they arent) but i finally realize what the whole problem was....ME....ive always been the one doing the chasing, pursuing the guy......well to somewhat to that extent but im a shy woman(calling, txting, going by to see them etc).....even if they did pursue me in the beginning i would take over and wear the pants down the line....and thats where the problem came in at because i ended up getting hurt time after time...for the past 28 years of my life i cant look back and say that i have had one successful relationship with any man...it always ended on a sour note....

i just wanted from here on out to try to make a change i know its not going to happen over night...but not be the one to pursue and let the man pursue me...and see what happens....i hope this made sense to anyone that reads it and can understand where im coming from....

 

[kitchen_tician]

Well at least you've figured it out sooner than later. Now you can move forward with a new mindset. I think many women have it twisted as far as the view that it's okay for women to chase men. I mean you can chase them, but in the long run, you may always chase; even when you're married.

Congrats on your new outlook on love. Much success. BTW, have you read, "Why Men Love B#tches." It may help give you some pointers and insight.

 

[blueabyss333]

Yes, I completey understand and can relate. I've said it before but no one ever really "taught" me about men and I have the same testimony as you. Read both- 'Why Men Love/Marry B*tches' that will help you become a stronger woman and the pursuee- not the pursuer. She reallys give a good breakdown of what/why the male species wants in a partner. A thread that helped my on here was started by Shimmie (sorry I forget the name of it) and CBC gives great advice also. There's plenty of relationship threads to search for. Hopefully the other ladies can chime in, I'm just learning myself.

Lastly, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You're a beautiful woman inside and out. Your Prince Charming will come, I promise.

 

[Jas123]

Last night I sat down and after having a little cry and wondering why i havent had any successful relationships with men(even in high school or college) i realized something that yes i have to account that part of it was because of my choice of men and what i wanted to shape them into being(which i know you cant shape someone into something they arent) but i finally realize what the whole problem was....ME....ive always been the one doing the chasing, pursuing the guy......well to somewhat to that extent but im a shy woman(calling, txting, going by to see them etc).....even if they did pursue me in the beginning i would take over and wear the pants down the line....and thats where the problem came in at because i ended up getting hurt time after time...for the past 28 years of my life i cant look back and say that i have had one successful relationship with any man...it always ended on a sour note....

i just wanted from here on out to try to make a change i know its not going to happen over night...but not be the one to pursue and let the man pursue me...and see what happens....i hope this made sense to anyone that reads it and can understand where im coming from....

I'm so sorry to hear that you've never had a successful relationship....I'm no relationship/man expert, but I do know sometimes you have to let the man take the lead, do the pursuing and definitely wear the PANTS. Let the man be the man....and if he's not doing this with you he's probably not that interested in being with you and you know where you stand with him.

 

[bluediamond0829]

thank you ladies and i will look into those books and those threads suggested..they sound like great reads....im glad that i saw it now because i never actually sat down and realized what my issue was until last night...

 

[kitchen_tician]

thank you ladies and i will look into those books and those threads suggested..they sound like great reads....im glad that i saw it now because i never actually sat down and realized what my issue was until last night...

You're Welcome. If you don't mind, what made you realize your issue?

 

[blueabyss333]

thank you ladies and i will look into those books and those threads suggested..they sound like great reads....im glad that i saw it now because i never actually sat down and realized what my issue was until last night...

It's okay, at least you realized it. I was like that to and then I read 'WMLB' and I was the "textbook" example of a doormat. I'm not like that in person, hence the reason for initial attraction, but I even noticed that I would become a different person in relationships and that wasn't healthy. Good luck and let us know how you make out.

 

[natural_one]

Another good book to read is Secrets of an Irresistable Woman by Michelle McKinney Hammond. I just read it over the weekend and it taught me so much. I dont know if you are a spiritual person or not but it is bible based. And what you were talking about is one of the main topics in the book-DONT ever chase a man! Check it out, its a good read.

 

[blueabyss333]

You're Welcome. If you don't mind, what made you realize your issue?

Good question.

 

[bluediamond0829]

You're Welcome. If you don't mind, what made you realize your issue?

i dont know i just was sitting after shedding a couple of tears and feeling lonely....not a lonely as being with someone in a sexual encounter but a feeling of being wanted and having that one to one feelings of growth into something more with someone....and wondering why all my friends or people i know are married or in relationships and having babies and im really not saying im stuck but havent had any successful relationships with men...and then i did a run down of all the men and how ive met and came across these men(since high school and college) its been about the same thing....even for the 1st guy that i called my boyfriend in college...it was the same thing...i was the one tht got hurt in the end and dumped..one because of no communication...and two because of the approach and how i took over and ran with the relationship....and i cant blame it all on me...but i know partly was me because i did the same thing as i had been doing i wore the pants....

 

[firecracker]

Chile your took a big first step. Just work on you and stay strong in prayer. Congrats on becoming proactive instead of wallowing.

 

[kitchen_tician]

i dont know i just was sitting after shedding a couple of tears and feeling lonely....not a lonely as being with someone in a sexual encounter but a feeling of being wanted and having that one to one feelings of growth into something more with someone....and wondering why all my friends or people i know are married or in relationships and having babies and im really not saying im stuck but havent had any successful relationships with men...and then i did a run down of all the men and how ive met and came across these men(since high school and college) its been about the same thing....even for the 1st guy that i called my boyfriend in college...it was the same thing...i was the one tht got hurt in the end and dumped..one because of no communication...and two because of the approach and how i took over and ran with the relationship....and i cant blame it all on me...but i know partly was me because i did the same thing as i had been doing i wore the pants....

Well, at least God revealed this pattern to you, so you'll be able to prepare yourself for the right one. It looks like you're growing up.

My pastor preached a sermon y'day about how, God has blessings for all of us, but some won't be released until we reach maturity and put away childish things. Just remember, what God has intended for you is for you, and all of your past experiences are just part of the preparation process.

 

[bluediamond0829]

Well, at least God revealed this pattern to you, so you'll be able to prepare yourself for the right one. It looks like you're growing up.

My pastor preached a sermon y'day about how, God has blessings for all of us, but some won't be released until we reach maturity and put away childish things. Just remember, what God has intended for you is for you, and all of your past experiences are just part of the preparation process.

Thank you all for you blessings....

yes i think thats another thing....because last week i turned 28 not tht this had anything to do with it but im just also tired of the same pattern...i think im wanting more for myself...and i dont want it to be too late before i realize what the real problem was....im trying to work on so many things(with myself)....and the only thing that is seeming to be still lacking is in the relationship area...and i needed to focus on that and figure out what was it that was wrong...because for so long ive been saying oh its the men that im running into....but really its the ones that im accepting and pursuing..

 

[brickhouse]

Hey Blue I told you about an excellent book called Getting To I Do by Dr Patricia Allen. She is a relationship expert and conduct seminars all over the country. The book describes women in your situation and what the remedy was. I enjoy the book and I no longer call men and now they call me.

I am glad you are doing some self-examination. Everytime I get to the root of my problems there I am.

 

[bluediamond0829]

Thanks Brickhouse long time no hear.....i hope everything is good wit you...

 

[brickhouse]

Thanks Brickhouse long time no hear.....i hope everything is good wit you...

Everything is ok. I am losing weight and getting my diabetes under control. I also just started a work at home job that I found on the Financial Forum. I will be doing that parttime and I also got promoted at my regular job. I am kinda of busy and crazy right now. I am just trying to work on me and my relationship with God.

Blue remember you were the one that helped me when I was in a really bad relationship. I started a thread on being hard on ourselves which I will bump for you. You are a smart and intelligent woman and your day will come. I also feel that way sometimes and the worst thing about it I felt lonely even when I was married.

 

[Naijaqueen]

Thats awesome. I think the most important thing for me to realize that I was a lady, and that i should be pursued, and not overstepping that boundary. Stuff has been amazing since then, realizing what I will accept or not accept. I have read several books, and I also pray and that has really helped me with clarity on stuff.

 

[blueabyss333]

You know, it's something- men REALLY love B*tches! In the same week, I've had the same exact convo. after one of the rare times I've called the two guys I'm talking to (long distance, mind you).

Him: You like me, you know it. (They're not being egotistical. It's like they're 1) trying to convince themself 2) trying to convince me 3) trying to assess how I really feel about them.
Me: I don't like you. How do you figure?
Him: Why did you call me? (They get excited with that ONE phone call)
Me: Cuz I was bored.
Him: ...Yo, I'm a nice guy. I was raised right... (Trying to prove themself)

My head is going crazy? I'm so confused. I'm mean to them- and they like it?! I tell one to stop whining or act unamused and he says, "I like the mean side of you. The dirty Jerz in you is interesting me more." The other always tells me I have an attitude and I act uninterested and he's all over me. MEN!

This is fairly new me and I have to be conscious of what I'm doing because usually I'd want to take control and do the chasing or "be there" for them every time they call or text. Sometimes it kills me because I want to call (even when I'm busy). Now I don't answer even if I'm only watching TV. I also let them think it's *their* idea to keep the friendship going by acting like I don't know how long it's been or like I have to squeeze in time for them. HTH.

 

[secretdiamond]

You know, it's something- men REALLY love B*tches! In the same week, I've had the same exact convo. after one of the rare times I've called the two guys I'm talking to (long distance, mind you).

Him: You like me, you know it. (They're not being egotistical. It's like they're 1) trying to convince themself 2) trying to convince me 3) trying to assess how I really feel about them.
Me: I don't like you. How do you figure?
Him: Why did you call me? (They get excited with that ONE phone call)
Me: Cuz I was bored.
Him: ...Yo, I'm a nice guy. I was raised right... (Trying to prove themself)

My head is going crazy? I'm so confused. I'm mean to them- and they like it?! I tell one to stop whining or act unamused and he says, "I like the mean side of you. The dirty Jerz in you is interesting me more." The other always tells me I have an attitude and I act uninterested and he's all over me. MEN!

This is fairly new me and I have to be conscious of what I'm doing because usually I'd want to take control and do the chasing or "be there" for them every time they call or text. Sometimes it kills me because I want to call (even when I'm busy). Now I don't answer even if I'm only watching TV. I also let them think it's *their* idea to keep the friendship going by acting like I don't know how long it's been or like I have to squeeze in time for them. HTH.

It's funny you say that b/c my SO said he likes me b/c of my 'fire' and my attitude sometimes and that I don't take crap from him the way other girls have let him in the past.... and that it turns him on.

I'm like hey, as long as he loves me for who I am--- nothing more. nothing less.

 

[mscounselor]

This thread is right one time Blue. Im glad you are sharing your insights with us because you have no idea how your words touched and set off bells for me. Im the quintessential(sp?) "see what you want and go get it" woman. Althought I didn't pursue my ex, I tool the reigns and ran with it. I wish you the best in your pursuit of self renewal and discovery. I'll be reading those books you guys mentioned. Nothing like a break up to make you want to reevaluate.

 

[anntheresia]

Bluediamond,

Your post is very timely for me b/c I am in almost the exact same predicament. I've never posted before, but I felt a need to post now.

I've always resented the expectation that I should play games with men and I've tried to be open and honest with them. If I wanted a guy, I would go after him with my heart on my sleeve. I always thought, if we are two rational people who care about each other, why does all that crap (such as playing hard to get or who should pursue who) matter? It seems like if I want the men that I like to be interested in me, I need to read the recommended books and learn to play games. But, then I will resent the fact that the men that I like are too dumb to realize what a great person that I am without the need to play games, LOL. I feel like I can't win for losing sometimes ...

Ant

 

[blueabyss333]

Bluediamond,

Your post is very timely for me b/c I am in almost the exact same predicament. I've never posted before, but I felt a need to post now.

I've always resented the expectation that I should play games with men and I've tried to be open and honest with them. If I wanted a guy, I would go after him with my heart on my sleeve. I always thought, if we are two rational people who care about each other, why does all that crap (such as playing hard to get or who should pursue who) matter? It seems like if I want the men that I like to be interested in me, I need to read the recommended books and learn to play games. But, then I will resent the fact that the men that I like are too dumb to realize what a great person that I am without the need to play games, LOL. I feel like I can't win for losing sometimes ...

Ant

It's hard, but honestly, it's what you have to do. To what extent is up to you. It's not playing games it's letting them *think* they're running things. It's like they say- Men rule the world, but women rule the men. Now, when one tells me to call when I get in, I don't call. In the past, I might have called as soon as I step in the door- for their sake. Now I don't call and I can predict he'll call and yell at me because he "was worried." Or they'll send a text like "I hope your thoughts are on me," and I won't respond. It keeps them guessing and they like that. Go figure.

ETA: Blue, sorry if I highjacked, but I'm going through something similar. I'm finally starting to understand *it* and I'm just really excited to share =D

 

[DragonPearl]

I am not sure which was the problem, that you were doing the pursuing, or that you were wearing the pants? Or both? If you were wearing the pants, of course that's not good. No man worth his salt will stay with you. I am glad you are looking into your control issues in this matter.

Now, on the matter of pursuit. Even if you let guys pursue you, there is no guarantee that the right guy will pursue you. I have known very wise women who go after a man they believed was right for them. They had or they developped good instinct, and they went for the right guy, instead of letting the wrong guy pick them out a lineup.

But the way they went after the man, they didn't pursue him in an obvious way. It was more subtle. They let the guy know they were interested, and then let him do the pursuing. If a guy is not into you after letting him know you're interested, don't force it, that's pursuing.

 

[bluediamond0829]

I am not sure which was the problem, that you were doing the pursuing, or that you were wearing the pants? Or both? If you were wearing the pants, of course that's not good. No man worth his salt will stay with you. I am glad you are looking into your control issues in this matter.

Now, on the matter of pursuit. Even if you let guys pursue you, there is no guarantee that the right guy will pursue you. I have known very wise women who go after a man they believed was right for them. They had or they developped good instinct, and they went for the right guy, instead of letting the wrong guy pick them out a lineup.

But the way they went after the man, they didn't pursue him in an obvious way. It was more subtle. They let the guy know they were interested, and then let him do the pursuing. If a guy is not into you after letting him know you're interested, don't force it, that's pursuing.

I was wearing the pants...i would say i would be the one to try to control the direction that the relationship went in.....and i was showing the guy that i was interested...then once we exchanged phone numbers then i would be the one doing the most calling...the most txting....so i feel like i was pursuing him more than he was pursuing me...and shwing more interest...when it wasnt being a 50/50 thing...it wasnt equal and fair to me...in the end my self-esteem and my feelings were hurt....

dont get me wrong im not knocking any woman that does show interest in a man...but dont take it to the extreme where you feel like your degraded or feel as if your putting him on a pedestal....and the interest isnt 50/50...and there has been so many times that i have felt this way..after showing interest in a guy...even after the last so called relationship that i just recently experienced with a guy back in June to August...

i would be the one doing the txting saying good mornin, asking him how he was doing today, i would be the one doing the most calling, i would be the one going the extra mile to make sure he was comfortable....and all i got was to be taken out one time to the movies and thats it....my birthday came and it went with not even a birthday card....so now i just have lost total interest in him...after hitting the pavement....

 

[Guapa1]

Bluediamond! I'm right there with you, I've been crying all weekend over my ex, and although it is his fault, I can see where I went wrong too. Good luck in your journey and we're all here rooting for you.

 

[bluediamond0829]

You know, it's something- men REALLY love B*tches! In the same week, I've had the same exact convo. after one of the rare times I've called the two guys I'm talking to (long distance, mind you).

Him: You like me, you know it. (They're not being egotistical. It's like they're 1) trying to convince themself 2) trying to convince me 3) trying to assess how I really feel about them.
Me: I don't like you. How do you figure?
Him: Why did you call me? (They get excited with that ONE phone call)
Me: Cuz I was bored.
Him: ...Yo, I'm a nice guy. I was raised right... (Trying to prove themself)

My head is going crazy? I'm so confused. I'm mean to them- and they like it?! I tell one to stop whining or act unamused and he says, "I like the mean side of you. The dirty Jerz in you is interesting me more." The other always tells me I have an attitude and I act uninterested and he's all over me. MEN!

This is fairly new me and I have to be conscious of what I'm doing because usually I'd want to take control and do the chasing or "be there" for them every time they call or text. Sometimes it kills me because I want to call (even when I'm busy). Now I don't answer even if I'm only watching TV. I also let them think it's *their* idea to keep the friendship going by acting like I don't know how long it's been or like I have to squeeze in time for them. HTH.

I also use to be called mean and i guess somewhat not so nice when it came to men and talking to them....but i think when i think i would be interested in the guy i think all that went out the window...with what you mentioned....i wear my feelings out on my sleeves....and i need to stop wit it....

i really need to get those books...

thanks ladies....all of your responses have been so uplifting and inspiring...

 

[Hibiscus30]

Blue, your thread is right on time. You sound alot like me. I feel what you are going through. I have been in and out of relationships and wondered what went wrong. Oftentimes I would think something was wrong with me (physically, sexually,etc). I realized it was none of those things, it was my pursuit.

Along, with the advice of the other ladies (books, etc.) I would like to add... be true to yourself and love yourself. Don't change who you are, but revamp your approach. One guy told me once "just go with the flow of things and if it doesn't flow you know he is not that into you and let it go". Girl, Imma tell you one mo thang... I have stalked your album (hair and wt. loss) and you are a beautiful person. Know this that man is being groomed just for you cause God knows exactly what you need when you need it. I know you probably hear that all the time. But you are making the first steps, just keep going.

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

this was so right on time..
I am going to cop that book today..It seems like a good read..

thanks for this ladies!!!

 

[Naijaqueen]

another thing I'd say goes a long way is being unpredictable/somewhat mysterious. As in the guy cant figure u out completely, so he keeps coming back because he's curious to see what lies beneath, its a wonderfu thing. From talking to u, they know ur deeper than that, but u aways give them the surface, and it bothers a lot of folks, especially guys.

 

[bluediamond0829]

thanks ladies for all of your words..and i hope that this thread has helped some of the ladies that are in the same position that i am in along....i talked to my mom about it...and she said that it may have been her fault because even though i did have a father in the home but he was always working...and sometimes the way he acts is sometimes more not like a father(maturity wise),....i hope that makes sense...so our(my sister and i) really have learned to take control over things and i guess that goes as far as our relationships also..and we lack sometimes respect for him not meaning too...

i also purchased the book today...so this is going to be a definte read for me...i cant wait to get it....

if i hadnt ordered it i probably wouldve been checking to see how much it would cost at a local bookstore...but i rather order it because its cheaper...i got my copy from ebay for 7.60....