Confessional: My Relationship issues and bringing it to the floor....

[bluediamond0829]

another thing I'd say goes a long way is being unpredictable/somewhat mysterious. As in the guy cant figure u out completely, so he keeps coming back because he's curious to see what lies beneath, its a wonderfu thing. From talking to u, they know ur deeper than that, but u aways give them the surface, and it bothers a lot of folks, especially guys.

okay i can understand that.....right men love a mystery not a open book....thats another problem dont lay everything out on the table...and say this is it....

 

[bajanplums1]

One Woman's Mantra: Do not chase a man.

Men know what they want when it comes to women and will come and get you. Nothing wrong with throwing some signals, dressing up etc; but some things do not change.

 

[hopeful]

Good luck BlueDiamond. I am blown away by this thread. With each post you continue to show more insight and growth. It takes a lot of courage to face a problem like this one. I just wish you all the best. I know you can turn this situation around.

 

[mscounselor]

Girl I bought the book (irresistable woman) and others too! We'll get there one day. Thanks again Blue!

ETA: Is there a pattern going on with women ending relationships recently?

 

[blueabyss333]

Girl I bought the book (irresistable woman) and others too! We'll get there one day. Thanks again Blue!

ETA: Is there a pattern going on with women ending relationships recently?

You noticed that too right? I think we all happen to be sistahs who relate and when one brings up a topic it's something we can all help each other with.

 

[anntheresia]

I am not sure which was the problem, that you were doing the pursuing, or that you were wearing the pants? Or both? If you were wearing the pants, of course that's not good. No man worth his salt will stay with you. I am glad you are looking into your control issues in this matter.

Now, on the matter of pursuit. Even if you let guys pursue you, there is no guarantee that the right guy will pursue you. I have known very wise women who go after a man they believed was right for them. They had or they developped good instinct, and they went for the right guy, instead of letting the wrong guy pick them out a lineup.

But the way they went after the man, they didn't pursue him in an obvious way. It was more subtle. They let the guy know they were interested, and then let him do the pursuing. If a guy is not into you after letting him know you're interested, don't force it, that's pursuing.

Your post was a real eye opener for me (although as a grown woman, I should have known this stuff already). I always thought that I needed to be the one in pursuit instead of hoping and wishing that the right one would come after me. It seems that women need to subtly "guide" the man that she wants in the right direction after giving a hint that she's interested.

 

[Jenai]

Blu, your post really hit a nerve -- I've been used to being the pursuer, the leader, the do-er in the relationship and always in the end I'm 31 and lonely while all of my friends and relatives are in realtionships.

Let us know what other steps you plan on implementing in the near future.

 

[bluediamond0829]

thanks ladies...i love this forum so much and this is the only place that i felt so comfortable enough with to confess this information out loud to and the first group of women that i would like to share this with...

GiGi im just the same majority of my relatives and friends are in relationships and married and have kids....i wondered why not me...i wanted to get down to the bottom of what the problem was so i think this was another reason why i did this self-evaluation and found that it was me and my pursuit of men...when i shouldnt be the one pursuing them...its hard to not be the pursuer because in a way i think it has to be with the way we were brought up...i know i was brought up around a bunch of strong black women...that were pursuers and motivated themselves so i think thats what i converted over into relationships that same idea....

I only have 4(my father, my grandfather, my moms brother my uncle, and my grandfather's brother my uncle) strong black men that i know that i can count on my hand that have done well and that are apart of my family but i wasnt close to them like that..

like a previous lady mentioned in the thread she said that God is preparing the right man for me...and he is doing the same for each and every one of us...i use to always hate this when my mom would say it...but it is true...she would tell me to just wait and God will send the right man for me....if i go out looking for something then its not right....and listen to your heart..thats what i did with the last guy i was dealing with....i knew he wasnt right for me...but i still didnt want to be lonely either....but my heart kept telling me that he isnt any good...and i listened to it...

Thank you Hopeful...i learn alot from you ladies and some of the experiences that you go thru..and wit time you learn alot and become wiser..

i just feel like sharing these ideas with the ladies of the forum....

 

[Naijaqueen]

its also important for females in relationships, I know many women who get overcome by emotions and start becoming the pursuers in their relationships, and sometimes it leads to them having problems in their relationship. A lot of guys like to take control, not saying u cant help him navigate, but let him take control. Let him feel like he worked hard to get u, he has to justify to himself why he shouldnt let go so easily. Its happening right now to me, dude I'm talking to, once I actually let go completely, and he realized that I wasnt about to be all up trying to get his attention, he started calling, keeping himself in the picture.

 

[blkbeauty]

I can completely relate and value your honesty. Most women are not honest in acknowledging their faults in the relationship - THAT takes courage! You are really on a GREAT road by acknowlegding that, so good luck and it us know how everything goes.

 

[Ladyhenri]

Hiya
I think every girl can relate to how you are feeling...I think a suggestion i can give you is to practise love-hate with the next guy you date. I've coined this word from a sytem that never fails to work for me.
I'm very bossy but caring...i smother my man with love all the time, but when i wanna be a b**** i dont hold back. That way he loves me for all the times i pamper him but knows i cant be walked all over. Let him get away with a lot but make sure you get your turn!!

Little tip though, when he tries to complain about my *****y side ( if i over do it), one word calms him down...PMS!!
He instantly tries to pet me..lol,

Try and cheer up, go out with ur girls, and have a lot of fun; do things you most enjoy...this is the surest way to meet the guys...in the mean time try not to feel bad. You are very pretty and should meet a hot guy soon.

xxx

 

[Hibiscus30]

Blue, I just wanted to say this too... girl, don't take this the wrong way. But I see you are losing weight (because you want to). I think that alone has boosted your inner confidence and that "feel-good" feeling has forced you to value yourself more and stop taking junk home. Girl, with that confidence going and loving yourself... you gone be on fire for that man. One thang for sho you need that inner peace it keeps you grounded. Keep us posted. Cause I can use the tips myself. Enjoy your life and God bless.

 

[frankie]

I understand where you're coming from...I just read the book "he's just not that into you" by greg behrendt and liz tuccillo. It's kinda a common sense guide to recognizing when a man really isn't feeling you like that...and how you should move on from the situation as soon as they stop treating you the way a lady should be treated in a healthy relationship. It's a quick, funny read, but it's so matter of fact and to the point, you can't help but learn the lessons. Pick it up!

 

[bluediamond0829]

Thanks again ladies for the advice..i really appreciate all of your comments keep them coming...i love the feedback that im getting and the recommendations of books to read....

Thanks Frankie....

Yes Hibiscus30 i have lost weight and plan on losing more so that may be apart of my boost of confidence and self-evaluation all of a sudden...because im doing this for me and for me to be happy in life..and when im doing something for myself like losing weight and loving how i look in the mirror and my image thats the most wonderful part of life....

I still do things for myself and treat myself all the times to pedicures, shopping and whatever...so im not in a down mood about the whole thing about not having a man that'll come in good time....

 

[FeelinIt]

Don't stress sweetie. All of my relationships have been crappy too! None of them have been successful. I'm the "don't rock the boat" girl. I don't ask questions or listen to that voice in my head telling me to run forrest run. I just hope for the best. All they want out of me is one thing and afterwards, it never turns out right.

Once you pinpoint the problem, you can then work on a solution. I know my problem but I'm having a hard time incorporating the solution. Hopefully you will have better success. I wish you all the best and keep us posted when you meet your future hubby!

Don't forget my IMATASHUN to the weddin!

 

[FeelinIt]

I understand where you're coming from...I just read the book "he's just not that into you" by greg behrendt and liz tuccillo. It's kinda a common sense guide to recognizing when a man really isn't feeling you like that...and how you should move on from the situation as soon as they stop treating you the way a lady should be treated in a healthy relationship. It's a quick, funny read, but it's so matter of fact and to the point, you can't help but learn the lessons. Pick it up!

Girl that book pissed me off! It was too small. Like a man with a little D#$!# I took it back to the store and got my refund!