Concerned about sexual chemistry

[ambergirl]

Interesting thread. I've experienced something similar. Ime, the men with the greatest sexual chemistry were the worst for me. The ones that I had to "warm up to" were better suited for me long term. A few months ago I broke it off with my SO who I had crazy chemistry with. I recently met someone who is a phenomenal guy on/off paper. I do not have the animalistic, primal urges yet, but this guy is so gentle and considerate and loving and respectful of every part of me that I know it's coming. He has what I need and that is sexy as hell. Hang in there and work on it. Be really, really honest with your guy and allow things to grow.

deltagyrl

Yyyaaaaasssss!!! Kindness, gentleness, considerate, loving, accepting, respectful, caring....,girl I 'm getting hot and bothered for you! Throw in a sense of humor and not taking himself or life too seriously and it would be a done deal for me.

 

[deltagyrl]

ambergirl

Not to highjack but he has a great sense of humor and we laugh alot...
Went out last night and he was a perfect gentleman. Kinda nerdy but I do better with nerds.
I'm taking it slow but he has been upfront about wanting to be in a committed relationship that will lead to marriage from the jump.
I feel good about him but and as long as he remains consistent, I think it just might happen.

deltagyrl

Yyyaaaaasssss!!! Kindness, gentleness, considerate, loving, accepting, respectful, caring....,girl I 'm getting hot and bothered for you! Throw in a sense of humor and not taking himself or life too seriously and it would be a done deal for me.

 

[Britt]

As a married woman, physical chemistry is very important, especially in the long term. I would try to work with him to see if you can improve things, but don't downplay the significance of having that connection. It's not just for taboo relationships. I think it's ridiculous to think that you shouldn't expect to have sparks with your husband.

I agree.. I just couldn't imagine marrying someone that I don't have that type of connection with.

Yeah this is a tough one because it sounds like he needs a certain amount of contact to feel connected while you need a certain amount of space to desire connection.

I agree that you should try and create a little space to meet your needs but ultimately if you want to be married you're going to need to move out of your comfort zone on this. I think you might be on to something about this being related to being single for long periods of time. People tend to adjust to fit their lifestyle. It could also be a defense mechanism because on some level you fear getting too attached and accustomed to his presence. Again you know yourself best.

I say try to work it on both levels. Try to create more space and also work on moving out of your comfort zone. Within a couple more months you'll have a good sense whether this relationship will work for you,

ETA: ultimately so much about our lives is about choice. If you really want to be with this man you can choose to experience chemistry with him because we can choose our emotions and thoughts and how we frame our experiences.

First stop telling yourself there's no chemistry. Second, are you in love with him or willing to be? If so allow yourself to really connect with him emotionally and physically during sex. Think about how much you enjoy being with him, feeling him, having his hands caress your body, his kiss, his smell, his voice. how he looks at you, his desire for you, and his sexual response. Look into his eyes and just allow yourself to love him. When you bring that kind of emotional vulnerability to your love making things will likely shift.

@chronicity I hear you...loud and clear. I dated a "great" guy where the sex was "great" but I didn't crave him either and we ended up not working out, mostly because I discovered there were other aspects of his personality that turned me off.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about why you're not feeling the spark...I mean really, really, honest. Some possibilities.

- You're not into him because even though you want a long term, marriage track relationship mentally there is something that is holding you back emotionally and that's manifesting itself in your lack of sexual attraction to this man. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. If that's the case it may be that you are fear losing the freedom of your singleness or are caught up in the romance of the chase for the perfect man rather than having a good man.

- You are caught up in equating drama and longing with love and chemistry. Again, time for some real examination of your own psychology to see if you're self sabotaging.

- There's some other aspect of him or the relationship you're not into but you feel like you should be into him because of his great pedigree.

- The sex is good but he needs some schooling on how to please you in the way you want to be pleased. Not just about hitting the O but all the other stuff that makes sex spectacular to each individual. Also it could be that physically he's not your "type". But if his technique is good you can grow into that.

- And last, you all are seeing a fair amount of each other, maybe things are moving a little fast for you and you need a little space to "miss" him?

All of that is to say I agree with the ladies who say stick it out and see what can come of it. He sounds like a good guy and you should at least give it a real try before deciding he's not for you.

I agree with all of this. And not a popular opinion but speaking from experience and from my personal belief, I'd think not being sexual attracted to your partner or having that chemistry for them could possibly be indicative of something else deep down that is manifesting itself as you not having that type of attraction/chemistry. Only you will know this and none of us can truly answer this for you. You know yourself best and it's If I were you, I'd seriously take a real introspective look at myself, my wants, my previous relationships, my relationship patterns and put aside all that's 'good on paper' and be honest with yourself.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Not to alarm but do you think your lack of sexual drive could be medical? Or do you have drive but just not specifically for him? I was just thinking it could be a diet change or new medicine you've taken since your new relationship. But then, you said it's hard to find a guy who gives you sparks so .... I could be WAY off.

 

[lux10023]

sounds like 80/20 or 90/10

OP you have a variety of great advice...

 

[chronicity]

Not to alarm but do you think your lack of sexual drive could be medical? Or do you have drive but just not specifically for him? I was just thinking it could be a diet change or new medicine you've taken since your new relationship. But then, you said it's hard to find a guy who gives you sparks so .... I could be WAY off.

I've considered this...and the theory is still on the table. My sexual energy in the last year seems lower to me. The only major change is that I've gone off the Pill. I was taking Maca last month to see if that would help, and all it seemed to do is make my thighs and butt bigger (in a way I didn't like).

 

[BostonMaria]

My advice to you is to keep him and see where this is going. You can't really know a man in 3 months. As time goes on you might feel more passionate about him.
If I had sex 3 times a week I would probably not feel turned on all the time either. Maybe cut it down and see how you feel about him then.
Passion can also come with time if he is a good man. There are more pressing issues you should be concerned about (his family and how he treats them, whether he's still treating you the same or better six months from now, etc)

He sounds like a good man and I wish you both luck!!

 

[DrC]

sparks are overrated. in fact, i would argue that the spark itself is born out of excitement from some negative, taboo aspect of a relationship you know you shouldnt be having.

Overrated? Ha. Tell that to my parents who have been married for over 40+ years and get it on every chance they get.

I'velost count on how many times I've walked in on them. #scarredforlife
My aunt and uncle whom have been married for 20 years.
And my other aunt and uncle who has been married about 25-30 years after her husband (my uncle) was killed.

I say this in pure shame and disgust, but my parents are freaks and hump like jack rabbits. My mom grabbed my dads crouch as he laughed and they thought I wasn't looking. I still have nightmares and therapy sessions as a grown woman, but I've learned to accept witnessing how all 3 of us got here. lol:erplexed

My parents don't have sparks. They have lava rivers, fireballs, flames and whatever else you can think of relating to fire. Been going on since they first laid eyes on each other. Everyone can see it. I can see it. And I don't want to, because that's how I was bought into this world......ehghad my parents are probably getting it on right now.


OP you just met him so I wouldn't worry about that just yet. He has a spark with you, but you don't as of yet and that's cool. I think it's too early to detect. Now if its like a year down the line and you still feel the same way, then yeah, you may want to bounce.

 

[SurferBabe]

Sounds like the lack of intense sexual desire comes from this man being too emotionally and physically available. If he played games and was elusive and mysterious I think OP would feel differently about him because she'd have to work for his attention and affection. Same man...different approach to dating. I think you should give it time because you'd be making a huge mistake letting this man walk away waiting on a Mr. Big.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

ah. thats not what chemistry means to me at all. so fascinating! another thing for me to add to the list of issues i need to be compatible with for the husband i plan to find in 2014

To me chemistry and compatibility are two different things. Sounds to me you are describing compatibility and the OP is longing for chemistry with a man. Some say chemistry is more important and others say compatibility is more important.

I say you have to have both for a very long term relationship (20+ years) to be happy--I mean you need both chemistry and compatibility in the beginning. You need compatibility sooner and chemistry needs to come along eventually in no more than a month or two. That's my unscientific opinion.

I don't know many people that truly regret losing a guy they had develop absolutely no chemistry for. They may say "darn, he was a good guy" but if they knew a man they had chemistry for, they would cheat or leave (or wish to) the guy they had none. Most men certainly would.

 

[chocolat79]

You've gotten so much great advice in here, but I'll still add my $.02.

IMO, I think it's too early to really say either way. 3 months is still honeymoon phase so everything is going to be great (generally). Give it a little more time to get to know each other and see how he reacts in certain situations. Sometimes seeing how people handle themselves and/or you in certain situations increases the sexual chemistry a lot. Also, I've found that sometimes in the beginning, the sex is just good/okay, etc. But as you get to know/love the person, it gets turned up (for a few reasons).

You've said yourself that the guys you had the chemistry with (as you define it) weren't the best partners, so if something hasn't been working for you, try something different. I think this is your something different. Sometimes your heart can lead you in places that you shouldn't be, so you also need your mind to counteract it. Either way, I wish you every success.

 

[ambergirl]

Overrated? Ha. Tell that to my parents who have been married for over 40+ years and get it on every chance they get. I'velost count on how many times I've walked in on them. #scarredforlife My aunt and uncle whom have been married for 20 years. And my other aunt and uncle who has been married about 25-30 years after her husband (my uncle) was killed. I say this in pure shame and disgust, but my parents are freaks and hump like jack rabbits. My mom grabbed my dads crouch as he laughed and they thought I wasn't looking. I still have nightmares and therapy sessions as a grown woman, but I've learned to accept witnessing how all 3 of us got here. lol:erplexed My parents don't have sparks. They have lava rivers, fireballs, flames and whatever else you can think of relating to fire. Been going on since they first laid eyes on each other. Everyone can see it. I can see it. And I don't want to, because that's how I was bought into this world......ehghad my parents are probably getting it on right now. OP you just met him so I wouldn't worry about that just yet. He has a spark with you, but you don't as of yet and that's cool. I think it's too early to detect. Now if its like a year down the line and you still feel the same way, then yeah, you may want to bounce.

my folks go at it too but I have yet to run up on them in the act or seen any crotch grabbing! Thank goodness!

But I will say the two things that seem to keep them engaged with each other rather then living like brother and sister as a lot of long marrieds do is laughter and chemistry. They laugh all day every day...they flirt all day everyday...they play all day everyday. Half the time we kids are just there as an audience to their ongoing love affair which is really cute....my dad chases her all day while she pretends like she can't be caught.

I think the chemistry and laughs and good memories are the things that help a couple make it through the rough times. But I also think chemistry can be cultivated and needs to be nurtured. This notion that you either have chemistry with someone or you don't just doesn't reflect my experiences or many of the relationships I know.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I think this plays a part of it, at least the longing part (not the drama). And it probably has to do with me being a emotionally private person. When there's distance between me and the other person, infactuation is more likely to occur. And for this to happen, I probably need more distance than the average person. I don't know why I'm wired like this. It could be the result of protracted periods of singleness, I dunno. It could also be my introversion.

From the beginning I told him that I need space so that I can miss him. But seeing each other 1x a week soon became 2x a week, then 3. I find it very difficult to tell him that we see too much of each other, because he misses me so much. If it were up to him, he'd probably be seeing me everyday.

Awww! He sounds smitten girl!

I'm wondering also if maybe you might be going through the "Uncertainty Stage"? ("Mars and Venus On a Date"--John Gray)

This relationship sounds pretty new, so I would just give it some time since you at least enjoy his company and like him as a person.

deltagyrl

Yyyaaaaasssss!!! Kindness, gentleness, considerate, loving, accepting, respectful, caring....,girl I 'm getting hot and bothered for you! Throw in a sense of humor and not taking himself or life too seriously and it would be a done deal for me.

YES!!!!!!! I find that The older I get, the more and more THESE types of qualities in a man turn me on.

I know people tend to look down on arranged marriages in this country, but honestly,I think that sometimes in some cultures those arranged marriages work simply because they are put together by family and people who know you and know who would be best compatible with you long term. The sex part can always be practiced and improved upon lol.

But what good in a marriage is good sex if a man doesn't have the other important qualities that you want and need?

Like others have mentioned....you can have BOTH. But just make sure that you're not confusing chemistry for something else. IMO, chemistry isn't just about sex. It's about a certain je ne sais quoi feeling you get when you're around that person. You can have chemistry with someone without wanting to have anything sexual with them.

Remember too that sexual desire isn't always black and white. In fact, they say that a woman's greatest sex organ is her MIND. Sometimes it's what's going on in our minds that can make or break it, rather than what's "down there". I'm just saying....

Women tend to take longer to "warm up" to a man in general anyway, so don't feel TOO bad OP. Give it a little time and see what happens.

You've gotten so much great advice in here, but I'll still add my $.02.

IMO, I think it's too early to really say either way. 3 months is still honeymoon phase so everything is going to be great (generally). Give it a little more time to get to know each other and see how he reacts in certain situations. Sometimes seeing how people handle themselves and/or you in certain situations increases the sexual chemistry a lot. Also, I've found that sometimes in the beginning, the sex is just good/okay, etc. But as you get to know/love the person, it gets turned up (for a few reasons).

You've said yourself that the guys you had the chemistry with (as you define it) weren't the best partners, so if something hasn't been working for you, try something different. I think this is your something different. Sometimes your heart can lead you in places that you shouldn't be, so you also need your mind to counteract it. Either way, I wish you every success.

This is good advice also. SO true!

 

[HoneyBadger]

"Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep."

 

[MixedBerry]

chronicity

I've really enjoyed this thread, ladies.

Question to you, OP: are you an air sign (libra, aries, or gemini)? This question could probably go to all of you who are on the side of the "spark is needed"...

As an air sign, we (Im a Libra) tend to be very IDEALISTISTIC. Our head is always in the clouds dreaming up the "the perfect fantasy". Its the idealistic thinking. Nothing will ever compare to the fantasy-made up perfection we daydream about in our heads!

We tend to not think realistic most of the time. As I always say, it's because we're an air sign. Head is always in the dang clouds lol.

We are dreamers. We fantasize, constantly dreaming up what we THINK is ideal. But in all reality, it's so different. Hence the disappointment and not being satisfied. Air signs are far from "practical".
Learning this about myself has help tremendously. It's helped with making the unnecessary disappointment and stress disappear.

Are any of you who really want the spark and intense chemistry, an air sign?

 

[LaBelleLL]

^^ Aries is fire.

 

[CurlyMoo]

@chronicity

I've really enjoyed this thread, ladies.

Question to you, OP: are you an air sign (libra, aries, or gemini)? This question could probably go to all of you who are on the side of the "spark is needed"...

As an air sign, we (Im a Libra) tend to be very IDEALISTISTIC. Our head is always in the clouds dreaming up the "the perfect fantasy". Its the idealistic thinking. Nothing will ever compare to the fantasy-made up perfection we daydream about in our heads!

We tend to not think realistic most of the time. As I always say, it's because we're an air sign. Head is always in the dang clouds lol.

We are dreamers. We fantasize, constantly dreaming up what we THINK is ideal. But in all reality, it's so different. Hence the disappointment and not being satisfied. Air signs are far from "practical".
Learning this about myself has help tremendously. It's helped with making the unnecessary disappointment and stress disappear.

Are any of you who really want the spark and intense chemistry, an air sign?

LOL Was seeing a Libra guy and mentioned needing sparks. Libra's tend to be on a continuous search for the dream guy/girl. They will date and marry others while still having the dream guy/girl still in their head.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Sounds like the lack of intense sexual desire comes from this man being too emotionally and physically available. If he played games and was elusive and mysterious I think OP would feel differently about him because she'd have to work for his attention and affection. Same man...different approach to dating. I think you should give it time because you'd be making a huge mistake letting this man walk away waiting on a Mr. Big.

I can agree this would be an issue for some women. Particularly women who want a bit of a challenge in a man. Some women are natural chasers. And need to chase their man a bit with him resisting. Others will be more attracted to a man who lays his cards on the table and chases her with his heart open.

Some people need mental stimulation in order to feel physical desire. Others need emotional or physical stimulation. Not everyone wants nor needs the same thing in order to feel desire. Some people are stimulated by physical beauty others more of an earthy beauty where they may not be considered "beautiful." Some like the rough, ready and scruffy looking types or the refined wine metro-male.

I think it helps to understand these things about yourself.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

chronicity

I've really enjoyed this thread, ladies.

Question to you, OP: are you an air sign (libra, aries, or gemini)? This question could probably go to all of you who are on the side of the "spark is needed"...

As an air sign, we (Im a Libra) tend to be very IDEALISTISTIC. Our head is always in the clouds dreaming up the "the perfect fantasy". Its the idealistic thinking. Nothing will ever compare to the fantasy-made up perfection we daydream about in our heads!

We tend to not think realistic most of the time. As I always say, it's because we're an air sign. Head is always in the dang clouds lol.

We are dreamers. We fantasize, constantly dreaming up what we THINK is ideal. But in all reality, it's so different. Hence the disappointment and not being satisfied. Air signs are far from "practical".
Learning this about myself has help tremendously. It's helped with making the unnecessary disappointment and stress disappear.

Are any of you who really want the spark and intense chemistry, an air sign?

I don't believe in astrology, but no, I'm very practical. Still, if you're planning to be with a man for the rest of your life, you need more than friendship to hold you together. That's just common sense, IMO.

 

[Minimalist]

If you don't desire to sext him and send him nudes I think something is wrong. When you listen to the Beyonce album do you think of sitting that arse on him? If not I would be concerned. I would let him go. That's just me though.

 

[Lilmama1011]

If you don't desire to sext him and send him nudes I think something is wrong. When you listen to the Beyonce album do you think of sitting that arse on him? If not I would be concerned. I would let him go. That's just me though.

no you didn't refer to that album lol

 

[Lilmama1011]

as long as the sex isn't whack i would stay! but i don't think yal are sexually in tuned with one another which i think isn't enough to leave him. And the fact he treats you well is a major plus! i find sexually at the beginning of a relationship i am all good but then it gets more of a struggle to get me in the mood. i am still attracted to him, i just need more stimulation.

 

[Britt]

If you don't desire to sext him and send him nudes I think something is wrong. When you listen to the Beyonce album do you think of sitting that arse on him? If not I would be concerned. I would let him go. That's just me though.

Lol ! I hear you and I totally feel you!

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[NGraceO]

This theory was in He's Just Not That Into You. It's the drama craving. It's not an indicator of true love.

This. You just quoted from my dating Bible. Yes.

NGraceO

 

[butter_pecan]

It seems like a lot of people here think it's either or. Either you have great sexual chemistry or you have real love. It's possible to have both.

I truly believe that I have both, so I agree with this statement.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Just because someone is a good man doesn't mean he is good for you. I think you need to evaluate all of the suggestions and figure out what it means to you then act accordingly.

I for one would not be sleeping with a man on a regular basis that I was not attracted to. Having any sexual connection (even with bad sex) can create a false intimacy that will cloud your overall decision making. Yes, long term couples settle in and focus on other aspects that make a relationship last but you are 3 months in. If he's pushing for 3x's a week and you're barely agreeable then you need to step back and figure out what you do want and if he is indeed the one to partner up with. In the beginning you should want to spend time together. Spend more time focusing on whatever your check list is before sleeping with him. You should not be in the come over for coloring phase. You need to be dating and going out.

Personally if you were totally and completely into this man you'd be more willing to work on the sex aspect if lack of spark was the only true issue. This is how men that were completely not my type reeled me in and made me willing to give it a try (didn't work out but can't say I didn't try). An intellectual dude with no bed game will not fly with me but for someone else with low libido he will be Prince Charming. I think if you are honest with yourself there are other aspects about this man that you are not fully in tune with but you are letting the pressure of your age and desire to be married make you doubt yourself and over sell his good qualities. Know what you want and go for it. He can very well be a good man and still not be a good man for you.