Concerned about sexual chemistry

CurlyMoo said:
You are doing way to much over thinking and dramatizing. I never said she needed bomb sex. She asked for an opinion. I gave her mine which was that it was good to have a desire for the man you want to be with. I never said all women must have bomb sex at all times. Stop it!

And OP is not married, she is in a 3 month long relationship where she has expressed not having romantic chemistry.

Stop trying to create drama that spans 10 pages.:nono:
Click to expand...

youre the one looking for deeper meaning than what even the op says she is describing.

my opinion is that placing sexual love over compatible love is childish and naive, and something that most people grow out of when they are looking for an adult long term relationship. boom. story over.
 
LivingInPeace said:
The early stage of a relationship when you can't wait to be alone and can't keep your hands off each other is so much fun! When the years go by and those lusty feelings are replaced by comfort and routine it's nice to reminisce about those early days. I also wonder if you want the lust and passion and you never feel it with your man, how soon before you start getting curious about what a new man would be like?
Click to expand...

I know of folks who've stayed in unhealthy relationships for years because of strong sexual chemistry. If you ask him, he'll tell you that the sex wasn't all that explosive but the sexual chemistry and the desire he had for her was strong. Did he really love her, I don't think so. He didn't even like who she was as a person and saw tons of flaws in her character. BUT that didn't stop him from almost marrying her! All because of chemistry...he was P wooped through and through. That relationship lasted 7years with plenty of breakups in between.
 
bunnycolvin said:
youre the one looking for deeper meaning than what even the op says she is describing.

my opinion is that placing sexual love over compatible love is childish and naive, and something that most people grow out of when they are looking for an adult long term relationship. boom. story over.
Click to expand...

And you continue to do so............

I directly addressed the OP's queston.

Your opinion of what should be important is ignorant of the fact that other people MAY have other ideas of what IS important to them. BAM!!! Now the story can end.
 
If there was no sexual chemistry, you would not want to have sex with him at all is my opinion. You desire him but there is no fire. I believe you should first look within yourself since you haven't listed anything negative about this guy.

He may not be the one for you as simple as that. However I don't think that sparks and butterflies are required to be the foundation for a long lasting relationship. Butterflies don't get you through the rough times, provide emotional support, etc.

You can encourage him to amp things up sexually or take a dominant role sometimes for a change.
 
chronicity said:
.........

Do I want to have sex when we're together? It's not easy to answer this question. I like having sex with him and would be disappointed if we didn't have it. Sex brings us closer. So yes I do want to have sex with him. But do I fantasize about sex with him when we're apart? Do I have flashbacks to certain encounters during the day, when I'm thinking of him? Do I feel like pouncing on him the minute he comes through the door? No, no, and no.
..........
Click to expand...

I think the bolded is the most important part here. You are actually happy with this man, sexually. What do you think of him when he's not around?
 
It seems like a lot of people here think it's either or. Either you have great sexual chemistry or you have real love. It's possible to have both.
 
i believe its possible.

i also believe its far less common than one or the other. i think finding both is akin to finding the elusive "soul mate" and if it were that easy to do...
 
LivingInPeace said:
It seems like a lot of people here think it's either or. Either you have great sexual chemistry or you have real love. It's possible to have both.
Click to expand...


Yessss, this is my point of view. Decided what you want. If you want the man where the sexual chemistry is okay and everything is is great then go with that. If you want the guy where the sexual chemistry is off the charts and everything else is great, go with that. But it is possible to have the latter. :yep:
 
CurlyMoo said:
What do you think of him when he's not around?
Click to expand...

I think of how great a guy he is and what exactly makes him great. Rather than daydreaming about our sexual encounters, I find myself reflecting on our interesting conversations.

(Which sounds super boring, I know.)
 
chronicity said:
I think of how great a guy he is and what exactly makes him great. Rather than daydreaming about our sexual encounters, I find myself reflecting on our interesting conversations.

(Which sounds super boring, I know.)
Click to expand...

Not boring hun, you may have found your mate and husband. :look:

Break out a few whips and chains.
You will be thinking about it the next day when those rope burns start to sting. :grin:

J/K not saying this is what you HAVE to do to be fulfilled.
 
I agree about giving it sometime.

I do not agree about sparks being overrated or coming from a negative space/place. Why be with someone if it's starting from some taboo aspect, unless you're really young and/or into the "fun". I'm like you OP, I've always felt sparks and that excitement and missing each other etc. especially when the relationship is so young, only 3 months!
 
I will say when I first met Dh, there were no fireworks:look:. He felt it about me instantly, but I have felt more intense feelings with others before him. Well I still went on dating him because he had great character and other things that would've been good to start a family. Over time, are fireworks got stronger. Some days they are stronger than others. Thats life.

I do agree about strong sexual chemistry coming in the forms of what would be considered "taboo". Which is why if one is not careful they can cheat on a good man who they don't have much sexual chemistry with a man who is super flawed but the chemistry is off the chain. I have heard of stories like this as well.

But if you are committed you will make it work and sexual chemistry does come and go. Thats very normal.:yep:

Lastly, in relationships like this, I would far prefer the man to be sexually crazier about me, than vice verse. If he is crazy about you, hang in there.
 
CurlyMoo said:
And you sound unrealistic to human nature. Women keep themselves single. Not stories. No offense taken. :grin:

P.S. I don't watch romantic comedies. :look:
Click to expand...
Hmm......interesting quote you've mentioned here CurlyMoo :yep:

I'm curious to know more about this. Do you mind elaborating?



chronicity said:
I think of how great a guy he is and what exactly makes him great. Rather than daydreaming about our sexual encounters, I find myself reflecting on our interesting conversations.

(Which sounds super boring, I know.)
Click to expand...

chronicity

Aww.....that doesn't sound boring at all! I think you've just found your future hubby lol! :grin:

I think that unfortunately, Hollywood movies and TV shows have tricked us into believing that whenever you fall in love there will be fireworks and bells and whistles each and every time. This is simply not always true! In fact,a lot of times for women it's quite the opposite!

The only reason why I think you should stick with this guy is because you described him as sharing your same morals and values in life, he's established, and you said that you definitely have an emotional connection to him with GREAT conversations. Honey.....that is awesome! Do you know how many relationships and marriages fail because of a lack of these things in general?

Plus, those butterflies are superficial sometimes. I used to get butterflies ALL the time for a guy who I was super attracted to, but was an awful match for me, and didn't treat me right at times.

Look, if this guy is treating you well, he's attractive to you, you have good conversation with him, you feel "content" around him, and you RESPECT him (which it sounds like you do), then by all means please keep seeing him.

Chasing the elusive butterflies in the stomach and looking for that "perfect 10" keeps most women (especially women of color) single for a very long time... :look: :perplexed

Remember.....women are like ovens, and men are like blowtorches....or, at least according to John Gray's book "Mars and Venus On a Date" lol :giggle: (great read btw! :yep:) .

Hope everything works out for you OP! :yep: He sounds like a lovely guy, and I now firmly believe that it's better for the guy to love you more :grinwink:
 
Last edited:
Lots of great viewpoints in here, but I personally believe (and I am speaking generally here) that we women should not downplay what is important to us in a relationship for someone who looks good on paper.

This sounds like a great relationship, and I agree that sometimes it can take time for the "sparks" to grow. Sparks can be short, intense fireworks, or long-burning embers.

My point is, she should give the relationship time to grow and get "sparky", but if 3 years down the road, she is still feeling this way, she should reevaluate. If she is not feeling it from the get-go, marriage sure won't make it better as those "sparky" feelings surely tend to go away after years of listening to him snoring or watching him pick his nose hairs, lol.

I agree with CurlyMoo, that every woman has a right to desire her man. It may seem superficial now, but could become a huge problem when 10 years from now they are married and he is tired of being the aggressor and is feeling as if she doesn't desire him. That is the kind of feelings that lead men to stray. I am personally of the belief that sexual intimacy in a relationship is as important as the companionship. I see absolutely no reason why you can't have both.:yep:
 
Stick with him.

A man who is responsible, financially stable, adds to your already bomb life, no baby mama drama, never been married, treats you like a queen.. with okay sex.... That's almost perfection... Heck, I'd even stick with him for less than that.. lol... OP there are ways to spice up your sex life... Don't leave the great thing you have... Sexual chemistry can change overnight for the better or worse... but those traits that he already has, you can't get easy.
 
Thanks for the encouraging words, yall. I was worried the consensus would be that I dump him. The idea of discarding this relationship because it doesn't feel as intense as my previous flings seems wrong to me both intellectually and emotionally. I think I've been under the influence of Hollywood and pop music.

What makes him so special is that he values my intellect and looks, and we're both agnostic despite being raised in very religious homes. This combination is rare enough, but add in his other positive qualities (plus the fact that I actually like him, lol), and yeah, I can't see myself walking away from him. But it does help me to hear from those who think a relationship needs at least that initial spark to endure.

I will take the suggestions to actively try to spice things up. Part of the problem may be that we're having sex too frequently. I've noticed that a little sexual deprivation makes me long for him more. So I should probably tell him no more often.
 
CurlyMoo said:
I think what I am hearing is that you want him because you found this great guy who wants you. And given the ages you think you better lock on it because life is damn near over. I don't hear you being an active participant in finding what makes YOU happy. You seem to be accepting that this is what you will get instead of going out and finding the right guy with the SPARK! All his accomplishments are impressive but it means nothing if he can't touch you in the way you need to be touched as a woman. And this is only a few months into the relationship. Not 10-15 years when things usually cool off.

As a woman YOU HAVE NEEDS! Don't forget that. We have a right to desire our men.

Life is not over til we are buried 6 feet under. Go out and find what you want! Don't settle, you can find a good, educated, accomplished man you are sexually attracted to. Sexual chemistry IS important. To some it may not be. You really have to be careful because there are a LOT of women who do not enjoy sex and would be head over hills to find a man they don't want sexually. But this is about you.

I can say that I have not found my great love, but the few guys where I had that SPARK made life worth living. If the man you choose to spend your life with does not give you that feeling then it's time to create your pros and cons list and make a decision.

Are you attracted to him physically? I would try to spice it up in bed. Maybe travel together and relieve some stress in your life. Then see where it goes.

Decide what is more important to you, great sexual chemistry with an accomplished man or no sexual chemistry with an accomplished man.

You DO have options, even at 36 years old!
Click to expand...

CurlyMoo said:
This is to address the comments after OP, as we have yet to get to the bottom of what is going on with her. I sense there is more going on, not revealed. To be continued......

Lust, infatuation, sexual chemistry, passion, emotion, etc. are ALL natural aspects of life. Depending on the person some of us have it more than others. And we don't respond equally to every person we come in contact with.

All of the above is not wrong. It's very right and natural. If you have a strong infatuation for someone it SHOULD lead to something deeper and more meaningful in the relationship. If it doesn't the relationship usually runs it course. No boogie man, just life.

Some people are naturally passionate, lusty, emotional, fiery individuals. And they will continue to be that way well into middle age and beyond. It's best to find a mate who can understand and deal accordingly. Not subdue who you are because others deem these aspects to be superficial and fleeting.
Click to expand...
Agreed... I refuse to get involved in a future relationship where I love my partner but not in love with them. It causes a whole host of issues that eventually spills over into other areas of the relationship. Sexual compatibility is important, as well as sparks imo. I don't want to wake up with someone who I love dearly but don't desire them. Yes, my love for them as a person and partner will grow, but it does not necessarily translate into a passionate desire for my partner where the thought of sleeping with him is engaging and gives me something to look forward to. I want to desire my partner in an intimate way. Even if it's not sex, I want to desire my partner's touch, stroke, feel aroused by the way they look at me/talk to me/etc. All of this imo comes naturally and no, I don't think this only comes out of wanting something that is taboo -- i.e maybe the guy is a jerk and you're somehow turned on by that. I think as said, there are some people you will have a chemistry with and some you won't and honestly I think that's normal and human nature. I want someone that I am compatible with in many ways and one of those ways has to involve some type of chemistry --- not just a ohhh, I love this person as my best friend only.

LivingInPeace said:
It seems like a lot of people here think it's either or. Either you have great sexual chemistry or you have real love. It's possible to have both.
Click to expand...
Yes, I believe it is.
 
chronicity said:
Thanks for the encouraging words, yall. I was worried the consensus would be that I dump him. The idea of discarding this relationship because it doesn't feel as intense as my previous flings seems wrong to me both intellectually and emotionally. I think I've been under the influence of Hollywood and pop music.

What makes him so special is that he values my intellect and looks, and we're both agnostic despite being raised in very religious homes. This combination is rare enough, but add in his other positive qualities (plus the fact that I actually like him, lol), and yeah, I can't see myself walking away from him. But it does help me to hear from those who think a relationship needs at least that initial spark to endure.

I will take the suggestions to actively try to spice things up. Part of the problem may be that we're having sex too frequently. I've noticed that a little sexual deprivation makes me long for him more. So I should probably tell him no more often.
Click to expand...

Yes :yep: say no more often. I think he sounds lovely chronicity. Give it some time. Have sex less often, do more fun activities, exciting activities, try new things together. Convince yourself that you deserve a peaceful, non drama-filled relationship. As my marriage ages the more and more I only feel sexually excited when I feel super safe, comfortable, and peaceful. I find drama to be a huge turn-off. Consistency, tenderness, stability, kindness, protectiveness are very sexy to me. Give him and your relationship more time. Get him hot and bothered and then leave. You two can fool around sometimes without having sex. And sometimes you can just kiss a little and hold hands and that be enough. Sex sex sex IMO is boring.
 
chronicity I hear you...loud and clear. I dated a "great" guy where the sex was "great" but I didn't crave him either and we ended up not working out, mostly because I discovered there were other aspects of his personality that turned me off.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about why you're not feeling the spark...I mean really, really, honest. Some possibilities.

- You're not into him because even though you want a long term, marriage track relationship mentally there is something that is holding you back emotionally and that's manifesting itself in your lack of sexual attraction to this man. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. If that's the case it may be that you are fear losing the freedom of your singleness or are caught up in the romance of the chase for the perfect man rather than having a good man.

- You are caught up in equating drama and longing with love and chemistry. Again, time for some real examination of your own psychology to see if you're self sabotaging.

- There's some other aspect of him or the relationship you're not into but you feel like you should be into him because of his great pedigree.

- The sex is good but he needs some schooling on how to please you in the way you want to be pleased. Not just about hitting the O but all the other stuff that makes sex spectacular to each individual. Also it could be that physically he's not your "type". But if his technique is good you can grow into that.

- And last, you all are seeing a fair amount of each other, maybe things are moving a little fast for you and you need a little space to "miss" him?

All of that is to say I agree with the ladies who say stick it out and see what can come of it. He sounds like a good guy and you should at least give it a real try before deciding he's not for you.
 
my last boyfriend was someone i was not especially sexually attracted to. like the op, we would have sex, and it would be fine, good, and lovely in varying stages, but i'd certainly had much better sex, and i'd certainly been much more physically attracted to other partners.

but it wasnt that big a deal. who cared? for one thing, he brought so many fringe benefits to the table. youd be surprised how little you care about some better sex you had in the past when in the present you never have to pay when you go out and he lives in a fancy loft and generally all the things you need can be resolved via his help. when people have other things to bring to the table, they can cancel out the fact that they don't have something else. for another, he set the bar pretty high as far as a mental and intellectual connection. now that we've been broken up for a couple months, it's starting to fade, but i know i loved talking to that boy and being around him, and that carried a whole lot of weight. when you think of sharing your life with someone, those kinds of things matter, at least for some people.

isnt it a balancing act? or are some really saying that not firing on all cylinders sexually is really enough to overshadow everything else? it was surprisingly simply not that important to me. and im not a prude. i love sex, and have had a lot of it. youd think i would have cared more. but it was good enough... and that was good enough.

i had a bf who had a smaller penis. but he was the first guy i ever had a vaginal orgasm with, and the longer we dated, the more regularly it happened. physically, he wasnt perfect either. he had a handsome face, but absolutely no fashion inclinations whatsoever and was just a little more stocky than id have liked. and even though we clearly had pretty good sex, i pretty regularly felt nostalgic for being single and dating different men. comparing the two situations (where i didnt do that in the other example) it might have been because in this relationship, we didnt have all that much in common, and werent as intellectually stimulating to each other.

so to me, the sex situation is a wash. im not the type to get dickmatized, i dont think, because there are now too many other factors at play in my relationships (a lot of them political in some ways) for me to let lots of other things slide just because the sex is good. i wouldnt be able to carry a relationship based on its weight in sex so that has led to me sort of putting it on the back burner as far as importance. i have come to weigh so many other things in terms of significance that sex is almost like an afterthought. for me, the sex would have to be just flat out bad in order to be a dealbreaker.
 
This thread is making me sad. My goal is to have sexual chemistry and to love/be in love with my partner. Majority of the posts makes this seem like this is rare.
 
LaBelleLL said:
This thread is making me sad. My goal is to have sexual chemistry and to love/be in love with my partner. Majority of the posts makes this seem like this is rare.
Click to expand...

I don't think it's rare at all. I just think it's not so black and white.

Sometimes chemistry is immediate and sometimes it develops over time but can be just as implosive and explosive. And then there are times when no matter how hard you try it's not happening. When that's the case you have a choice to make as to how important that is for you and whether the other stuff is enough to work for you.
 
Yes OP. Unplug from all media (as much as possible) and take time to get to know yourself without any external influence. I wish I'd done that before I met DH or I wouldn't have married him lol.

This guy seems like a great guy and trust me once marriage happens, sex goes on the back burner cause you got stuff to do and children cock block lol. Learn sexual discipline asap, it makes everything easier.

Do you want a family? What is your number one goal? It seems like he'd be a great family guy so go for it!
 
I mean, there has to be some chemistry if they're sexing 2x a week. Now if she said she'd rather be waterboarded, I'd have a different answer. But I'd chalk this up to the 80-20 rule. He sounds great in all other categories, but just regular good in sex. That's not a dealbreaker.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
I mean, there has to be some chemistry if they're sexing 2x a week. Now if she said she'd rather be waterboarded, I'd have a different answer. But I'd chalk this up to the 80-20 rule. He sounds great in all other categories, but just regular good in sex. That's not a dealbreaker.
Click to expand...

Lolol @ waterboarded
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

C@ssandr@
Chemistry?
Replies
13
Views
315
HauteHippie
HauteHippie
Mz DEE DEE
Marriage with no sexual chemistry?
2
Replies
40
Views
2K
Britt
Britt
Britt
Coloring chemistry
Replies
2
Views
289
hopeful
hopeful
Cleve_gryl
**SPIN OFF** What kind of Chemistry is this?!?
Replies
11
Views
250
Cleve_gryl
Cleve_gryl
TinyBlu
Sexual Compatibility in Relationships
Replies
20
Views
1K
lux10023
L
Back
Top