Concerned about sexual chemistry

C

chronicity

Well-Known Member
I'm hesitant to post this but it's been weighing on my mind the last 24 hours and I need to read your opinions.

I've been seeing my boyfriend since September. He's really a wonderful guy in pretty much every way imaginable. Highly educated with an impressive career, and goal-oriented. Generous with his time and money, and dedicated to his family. Our values are in sync and we have very similar beliefs. We can talk about everything. I have no reservations regarding his ability to fit into myself life and vice versa. We laugh often. Mentally and emotionally we have bonded. I'm content when I'm with him.

The problem is that our sexual chemistry is minimal. Lust is lacking.

We have sex together frequently and it's great. But I don't find myself hungering for his body like I'm used to doing with my previous lovers. His presence is welcomed and I enjoy the time we spend together, but I don't miss him intensely when we're apart. The butterflies and excitement aren't there. I'm worried that these subdued feelings means we don't have what it takes to make the distance together happily.

In terms of character traits, he's the best man that I've ever been involved with. To say he treats me like royalty would kind of be an understatement. He really is that great. I'm 36 and he's 42 (neither of us have kids or have ever been married), so we don't have all the time in the world to find ourselves.

I don't want to abandon this relationship. Being with him is far better than being alone, and that's saying a lot, because being alone has always had its perks for me. He is a plus in my life and I don't take this for granted. I guess what I'm looking for is assurance that all is not lost, that a relationship can be successful even if it's not fueled by mutual lustful feelings. (I have the tendency to overanalyze and stress over small things; it's quite possible I'm going through this now.)
 
Stick with it. He sounds great and sex is not everything and if it is, then teach him how to please you. Strong relationships are built on more than sex.
 
I think what I am hearing is that you want him because you found this great guy who wants you. And given the ages you think you better lock on it because life is damn near over. I don't hear you being an active participant in finding what makes YOU happy. You seem to be accepting that this is what you will get instead of going out and finding the right guy with the SPARK! All his accomplishments are impressive but it means nothing if he can't touch you in the way you need to be touched as a woman. And this is only a few months into the relationship. Not 10-15 years when things usually cool off.

As a woman YOU HAVE NEEDS! Don't forget that. We have a right to desire our men.

Life is not over til we are buried 6 feet under. Go out and find what you want! Don't settle, you can find a good, educated, accomplished man you are sexually attracted to. Sexual chemistry IS important. To some it may not be. You really have to be careful because there are a LOT of women who do not enjoy sex and would be head over hills to find a man they don't want sexually. But this is about you.

I can say that I have not found my great love, but the few guys where I had that SPARK made life worth living. If the man you choose to spend your life with does not give you that feeling then it's time to create your pros and cons list and make a decision.

Are you attracted to him physically? I would try to spice it up in bed. Maybe travel together and relieve some stress in your life. Then see where it goes.

Decide what is more important to you, great sexual chemistry with an accomplished man or no sexual chemistry with an accomplished man.

You DO have options, even at 36 years old!
 
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I'm more weary of relationships where there's too much attachment and infatuation. Those are the types of relationships that can go down the crapper pretty quickly just because everything is so emotional and intense... including the fights and disagreements.

The type of love that has the best chance to stand the test of time is practical love... Not overly intense and emotional love, IMO.

If you truly love him, why wouldn't that be enough? You don't have to be obsessed with the guy to have a great relationship.
 
CurlyMoo said:
I think what I am hearing is that you want him because you found this great guy who wants you. And given the ages you think you better lock on it because life is damn near over.
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It's not that I feel my life is over. But I do want to create a family, and time is a factor because of biology.

I don't hear you being an active participant in finding what makes YOU happy. You seem to be accepting that this is what you will get instead of going out and finding the right guy with the SPARK!
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I've been looking for the right guy with the spark all of my life. Trust me, there's been nothing passive in my approach to finding what I want. Ideally, I'd be with someone who scores a 10 out of 10 on everything important. But I've never been able to find this elusive person. Those that I've had chemistry with in the past, turned out to be poor partners.

Are you attracted to him physically? I would try to spice it up in bed. Maybe travel together and relieve some stress in your life. Then see where it goes.
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I think a trip together would be nice. I also think I might tell him we could use a boost in our sexual tension/chemistry, and see what he says.
 
sparks are overrated. in fact, i would argue that the spark itself is born out of excitement from some negative, taboo aspect of a relationship you know you shouldnt be having.
 
bunnycolvin said:
sparks are overrated. in fact, i would argue that the spark itself is born out of excitement from some negative, taboo aspect of a relationship you know you shouldnt be having.
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please elaborate because i don't understand.

OP, I've never been married but I do know that sometimes love grows and it may take you awhile to become intensely attracted to him. If however, time passes and you don't find yourself sexually attracted to him or you feel unfulfilled you may need to move on. I was dating this guy who was great to me but he just never satisfied me sexually. It was hard when he ended it with me because I felt rejected but I'm glad because I know I don't really want him. I know time is of the essence though so choose wisely. Good luck.
 
in a nutshell that "spark" is excitement over him not actually wanting you, thinking you could change him, thinking he will change some day, that his positive qualities stand in stark contrast and outweigh :rolleyes: his negative qualities, that even though there are bad things, there are good things (which is inherently exciting) on and on... you arent "sparking" because that person is great and a special match for you, you are "sparking" because he is tapping into all the bad things we are taught not to indulge.
 
bunnycolvin said:
sparks are overrated. in fact, i would argue that the spark itself is born out of excitement from some negative, taboo aspect of a relationship you know you shouldnt be having.
Click to expand...

I kind of think this too.

In all my relationships where chemistry was undeniably high, emotional unavailability afflicted either one or both of us. The not knowing for sure where you stand with the other person...the not knowing for sure when they'll call you...the uncertainty and unpredictability helps fuel the craving and keeps us on our toes.

This is a thing I figured out about me a while ago, and it's unfortunate: when a man is obviously into me and does his best to impress this upon me at every turn, it is very hard for me get those sparky/excitement feelings towards him. I can love him and be committed, but infatuation is difficult. What I've concluded is that I'd probably be resigning myself to a life of solitude, or worse, a life of shoddy unstable halfass relationships, if I made the existence of The Spark a dealbreaker.
 
True love grows over time and is the result of the work you put into the relationship. I say stick it out, because fire and desire are overrated. Feelings and emotions are fleeting.

Is he romantic?


If he makes you happy go for it! :yep:
 
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chronicity said:
I kind of think this too.

In all my relationships where chemistry was undeniably high, emotional unavailability afflicted either one or both of us. The not knowing for sure where you stand with the other person...the not knowing for sure when they'll call you...the uncertainty and unpredictability helps fuel the craving and keeps us on our toes.

This is a thing I figured out about me a while ago, and it's unfortunate: when a man is obviously into me and does his best to impress this upon me at every turn, it is very hard for me get those sparky/excitement feelings towards him. I can love him and be committed, but infatuation is difficult. What I've concluded is that I'd probably be resigning myself to a life of solitude, or worse, a life of shoddy unstable halfass relationships, if I made the existence of The Spark a dealbreaker.
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This theory was in He's Just Not That Into You. It's the drama craving. It's not an indicator of true love.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Question, when you say you have sex frequently and it's great ... do you really mean great? Or okay?
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We see each other 2-3x a week and we usually have sex every time. I enjoy it and am enthusiastic when we get started, but I never feel like initiating. The sex is good. It would qualify as "great" if it actually took the edge off some deeper frustration. It isn't, so I say it's good.
 
chronicity said:
We see each other 2-3x a week and we usually have sex every time. I enjoy it and am enthusiastic when we get started, but I never feel like initiating. The sex is good. It would qualify as "great" if it actually took the edge off some deeper frustration. It isn't, so I say it's good.
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Do you want to have sex, when you see each other? Could you just be the passive partner in the relationship? Is he a dominant male?

And why are you looking for sex to take the edge off the deeper frustration?
 
Not every good guy is the right guy...

BUT

...with that said, I would stick with him and maybe find ways to spice things up a bit.
 
This is to address the comments after OP, as we have yet to get to the bottom of what is going on with her. I sense there is more going on, not revealed. To be continued......

Lust, infatuation, sexual chemistry, passion, emotion, etc. are ALL natural aspects of life. Depending on the person some of us have it more than others. And we don't respond equally to every person we come in contact with.

All of the above is not wrong. It's very right and natural. If you have a strong infatuation for someone it SHOULD lead to something deeper and more meaningful in the relationship. If it doesn't the relationship usually runs it course. No boogie man, just life.

Some people are naturally passionate, lusty, emotional, fiery individuals. And they will continue to be that way well into middle age and beyond. It's best to find a mate who can understand and deal accordingly. Not subdue who you are because others deem these aspects to be superficial and fleeting.
 
no offense but the stuff youre saying sounds a lot like nonsense that keeps women single :lol:

not everybody believes in stories sold to us from romantic comedies.
 
And you sound unrealistic to human nature. Women keep themselves single. Not stories. No offense taken. :grin:


P.S. I don't watch romantic comedies. :look:
 
SmileyNY said:
I'm more weary of relationships where there's too much attachment and infatuation. Those are the types of relationships that can go down the crapper pretty quickly just because everything is so emotional and intense... including the fights and disagreements.

The type of love that has the best chance to stand the test of time is practical love... Not overly intense and emotional love, IMO.

If you truly love him, why wouldn't that be enough? You don't have to be obsessed with the guy to have a great relationship.
Click to expand...

I agree with this. The key word here is, TOO MUCH and OVERLY!
 
CurlyMoo said:
Do you want to have sex, when you see each other? Could you just be the passive partner in the relationship? Is he a dominant male?

And why are you looking for sex to take the edge off the deeper frustration?
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He's not a "dominant male" in general but he enjoys taking the reigns during sex (and I'm typically submissive in bed so this is normal for me).

Do I want to have sex when we're together? It's not easy to answer this question. I like having sex with him and would be disappointed if we didn't have it. Sex brings us closer. So yes I do want to have sex with him. But do I fantasize about sex with him when we're apart? Do I have flashbacks to certain encounters during the day, when I'm thinking of him? Do I feel like pouncing on him the minute he comes through the door? No, no, and no.

I'm not sure you understand what I mean with "deeper frustration". If I were a ball of sexual tension, the sex we have would be phenomenal because it would be relieving me of pent up frustration. Since I'm not a ball of sexual tension around him, the sex we have isn't bringing me that kind of relief. It's more low-keyed than that.
 
CurlyMoo said:
This is to address the comments after OP, as we have yet to get to the bottom of what is going on with her. I sense there is more going on, not revealed. To be continued......
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Lol. I have no idea what you're sensing, but it's probably a lot more interesting than what's the case in real life.
 
CurlyMoo said:
And you sound unrealistic to human nature. Women keep themselves single. Not stories. No offense taken. :grin:


P.S. I don't watch romantic comedies. :look:
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do you really think bomb sex is that central to relationships with longevity?

no, more relevantly, do you think most people in general would choose an explosive sex life over a lifelong companion?

are you familiar with marriage at all?
 
chronicity said:
Lol. I have no idea what you're sensing, but it's probably a lot more interesting than what's the case in real life.
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It was the part you mentioned about the deeper frustration that you did not explain til your last post. It's good now. :grin:
 
bunnycolvin said:
sparks are overrated. in fact, i would argue that the spark itself is born out of excitement from some negative, taboo aspect of a relationship you know you shouldnt be having.
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BINGO!
Past partners where the ses was insane were no where NEAR good partners and THAT is what made it so good because it was so bad. Wow.
 
The early stage of a relationship when you can't wait to be alone and can't keep your hands off each other is so much fun! When the years go by and those lusty feelings are replaced by comfort and routine it's nice to reminisce about those early days. I also wonder if you want the lust and passion and you never feel it with your man, how soon before you start getting curious about what a new man would be like?
 
bunnycolvin said:
do you really think bomb sex is that central to relationships with longevity?

no, more relevantly, do you think most people in general would choose an explosive sex life over a lifelong companion?

are you familiar with marriage at all?
Click to expand...

You are doing way to much over thinking and dramatizing. I never said she needed bomb sex. She asked for an opinion. I gave her mine which was that it was good to have a desire for the man you want to be with. I never said all women must have bomb sex at all times. Stop it!

And OP is not married, she is in a 3 month long relationship where she has expressed not having romantic chemistry.

Stop trying to create drama that spans 10 pages.:nono:
 
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