Co-parenting issues. Are these red flags?

[Fine 4s]

Thank you for not quoting

SO has made some poor parenting decisions IMO and I think DD's mom is right but I don't want him to think I don't have his back.

For example a) He allows DD who is now 13 to play Call Of Duty (COD) but DD's mom doesn't want her to play any violent game. He feels that since he doesn't dictate what happens in HER home, she shouldn't dictate what happens in HIS home. He has valid reasons to not like some things in the other home. I tend to not like these types of vid. games for children and most likely wouldn't want my child to play it either.

b) She wants HIM to let her know when DD stays at his house ahead of time instead of the daughter deciding she wants to stay over his house and does so. DD visits dad whenever and has no set schedule.
The mother doesn't like that the father does not communicate with her on the sleep overs and perhaps feels like it's not the child's decision to inform her. SO feels that he shouldn't have to ASK her when and if DD can come visit him. However I think he missed the point. Her point seems to be not about ASKING but more about communication, giving structure and tightening up any opportunity for slip ups. Also, given that DD is doing things that the mother doesn't like (like playing COD) at her dad's they're not on the same page with the values they're teaching her and so there's also a lack of trust between them. One time, DD slept over her dad's house knowing she had household chores to do at her mom's. This is what the mother wants to avoid. Had the father called her to say hey, dd's sleeping over, he would have known that this was a play to avoid doing her chores.

Thank you for not quoting

 

[Lynnerie]

He needs to understand that parents have to be a united force cause kids will play sides and be manipulative. I think you should just talk to him. It doesn't mean he's not marriage material but I would definitely want to come to some understanding on co-parenting.

Also, I have a feeling he is being this way because its the child's mom and they aren't together. So instead of him looking at these issues as just better communication he is looking at them as "baby mom" is trying to dictate what type of parent he should be and what he does in his home.

 

[hopeful]

If you guys get married, you may end up being the go between and be the one who keeps the girls' mother informed, and I think they would be fine. This is something I would discuss with him before getting engaged, but if you aren't close to getting engaged/married I would leave it alone as he may be very offended and think you are meddling in his business. As his wife I think you would have every right to intervene. And I agree with you on the violent videos and keeping the mom informed -- sounds like he wants to be the fun parent.

 

[Fine 4s]

It's because the marriage issue is coming up that I am interested in this situation because it will someday be my situation. I'm also down to be the one to make calls to her mom etc. if he felt comfortable with that.

Thank you ladies.

I will talk to him...


hopeful and Lynnerie,

Do you think I should encourage him to discontinue playing COD?
She's apparently good at it and is quite popular on the game (it's online.)
At the very least, I say restrict the game to 2 hours per weekend during the school year. *sigh* this is stressful. I want them all to be happy....

 

[Layluh]

I think video games have a lot of positive effects in society. But COD? I dont know. At the very least, I'd say no more than 2 hours on the weekend. She should be studying or hell, since she's so interested in video games, tell her to find out how theyre made so she can maybe make some $ as a video game designer or something.

 

[Fine 4s]

That's what her father's been trying to do but you know teenagers...she doesn't claim to be interested in anything and then when she's forced to participate ( I mean crying up a storm because she doens't want to go) then she likes it. *shrug*

I think I have to be a big influence here, if anything for my sake....

 

[mscocoface]

Please realize the undertaking you are about to embark upon. You two will have to be on one accord with this or it will be rocky and could have a direct impact on your relationship.

Especially with a teenager. You have some that love to divide and conquer even when the parents are together.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I believe you should talk to him, but very delicately. I agree with the previous poster that said he's probably acting this way because of the whole "baby mama/baby daddy" power struggle, however he has to realize that their daughter is at that age where she is fully aware of what is going on and will certainly (if she has not already) start playing both sides against the middle.

The mothers request seem fair and respectable. I personally believe that the rules in 1 home should be the same in the next home so children realize that their parents are working as a team and there will be no getting over.

A relative of mine went through something similar with her FH and at the time, she decided to not get involved. Now the daughter is living in THEIR home and is as unruly as ever which causes a problem in their relationship and sets a poor example for the two children they have together.

That's why I say address it now because you are absolutely right, if/when you two marry...it will be come *your* issue as well.

good luck!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Yes these are red flags.

He's allowing daughter to play violent game just to defy the mother. What about what's best for his child?

The not calling is again a dig at the mother. He KNOWS what he is doing he just doesn't care how its affecting his child.

His refusal to compromise is a red flag for you as his need to be liked or seen as the "fun" parent is overriding his choice to do what's right for his chid. How he behaves with a child he already has is usually a clear sign with how he will act with any future children with you. Not saying you all will break up but do you want your child/kids sneaking doing fun things with daddy that you've said you don't approve of?

Having his back doesn't mean cosigning poor decisions. I'm not saying kick him to the curb (yet) but its time for some real conversations regarding why he's doing what he is doing. Yes its his child but his attitude & inability to compromise may determine if you will be able to move forward with him. Being a step mother is hard enough without dealing with a willfill child that is playing both parents against the middle.

 

[Fine 4s]

I wouldn't say he's doing it JUST to defy the mother. Problem is this is a values based call. And you can't change someone's values/views on things!
@bklnbornNbred, I hear you...

I serious talk is in order.
His father is in town and agrees with my SO

 

[Summer_Rain]

I wouldn't say he's doing it JUST to defy the mother. Problem is this is a values based call. And you can't change someone's values/views on things!
@bklnbornNbred, I hear you...

I serious talk is in order.
His father is in town and agrees with my SO

His father agreeing with him may just come from being men and wanting power/control over what happens in his home. You are right about it being values based calls on both scenarios.

How you approach it will be key, hopefully if he's able to see your POV, it will help him to better understand the mothers POV as well.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Does SO speak to mother at all?

I can concede #1 can be viewed as a values based call (although I agree with you and the mother) but #2 can easily turn into a safety issue if the kid tries to be slick. She can be anywhere and tell her mother that she is at her SO's house.

Dad may be cosigning the mess just because its his son. You don't know what all went on when they were together so I'm sure his attitude is not truly objective. Mother isn't saying child can't stay with SO she's asking that they speak to each other before saying yes.

If in fact you believe this is values based and his actions/attitude doesn't match your values then just be prepared that the answer /outcome may not be what you want. Only you can decide then what you are willing to do. I watched a dear friend go through hell because of her (now ex)husbands issues with his childs mother. She only "saw" his true character when he started acting the same way regarding issues in their marriage. She didn't pay attention to the signs that were there all along thinking he would be different with her. In spite of all of her efforts he wasn't.

 

[ElizaBlue]

You've gotten some good advice. I am never an advocate for a child being able to play parents to the middle (what they want) DD should know that although BM and dad are not together they are however still in agreement with what is best for her.

We have the opposite situation. DH is more strict on BabyGirl 2 when she is with us and she kicks up a fit when he tells her that while he understands her mom may let her do certain things, she will not be going, doing, partaking in certain activities on our weekends.

She's 16...and more inclined to just not come over when she has something she wants to do that she knows he won't let her.

For example one day she wanted to go to the beach with a girlfriend with no adult supervision. He said no. OMG she must have filed petitions on twitter, FB and any where else she thought she would get sympathy. That day a young male teen was shot dead on that same beach right in the vicinity of the people she would have been with.

That said, I say talk to him because like others have said this may one day be child he's making decisions about.

 

[Fine 4s]

Nothing important

 

[SamandI]

if you don't agree on parenting issues, how do you think this will impact you both when you marry and if you have your own children?
my ex and i do not see eye to eye on parenting, although he tends to allow me and trusts my judgement for the most part. however, if i had been more observation before having my son i would have realized it was a bad idea remaining and having a child with him.

 

[Fine 4s]

Please do not quote
Update:

He agrees to discontinue the game playing even though he doesn't believe it harms DD. He made some good arguments to support his perspective so I appreciate his ability to not want to be right and to listen to a different POV. He mentioned that DD goes to church with her auntie when she visits but the mother disagrees as she believes in a different type of spirituality. To the second issue, he told BM that he would inform her or communicate with her better when DD stays over his house even before out talk. I was proud that he came to that understanding as well.


I took the opportunity to voice my concerns about how I want to raise my child and I'm comfortable with his view points.

As I said before, he's quite reasonable and we talk things out VERY well which is one of the best things about my relationship. I knew he'd understand AND that he really appreciates and respects my opinions. The power struggle between them probably drove the stand still. I learned that there is no such thing as CO-parenting and even though there is a power struggle SO had a valid case as well. I also learned that there is no such thing as CO-parenting. It sounds good but very unrealistic and impractical. The custodial parent has the final say.

SamandI, What types of issues exist today? Tips please!!!

Please do not quote

 

[Fine 4s]

ElizaBlue
We have the opposite situation. DH is more strict on BabyGirl 2 when she is with us and she kicks up a fit when he tells her that while he understands her mom may let her do certain things, she will not be going, doing, partaking in certain activities on our weekends.

She's 16...and more inclined to just not come over when she has something she wants to do that she knows he won't let her.

This is the point! I'm of the opinion that it should be uniform. So if the father doesn't allow her to do something, even when she comes to your house, she still should not do those things. Because by giving the child such choice, you're also allowing her to stick it to the other parent AND it can also be a backhanded way for the visiting parent to stick it to the custodial parent. So even though you don't agree with what the father's rules, you support them? Am I correct? If so, I totally agree with you...

 

[SamandI]

i'll list a few, but the two you're dealing with definitely apply.

1. he thinks boys should be boys and so has no problem with certain video games, tv shows and movies. he took my son to a movie last year and he had nightmares about it.

2. bedtimes. i limit tv time (none during the week) and try to stick to a bedtime.

3. eating healthily. my son is not allowed food from certain places but his dad has no problem with mcd's or high sugar drinks.

4. i will not spend my money on video game systems. my son got a DS from his dad even though he'd asked me and i had said no. cool dad swept in and saved the day. he'll give him a few dollars when the go to the 7-11 or something and the kid can spend 10 bucks on candy and dad sees nothing wrong with it.

Also, his idea of discipline is quite different than mine. That's also another thing to think about. Are you comfortable with how he disciplines?

Even little stuff that shouldn't be a big deal become a big deal when you're attempting to parent with someone with different ideas than you.

For us though, it's just a different value system. We were brought up from different socio-economic backgrounds and cultures and so that all comes into play.

 

[ElizaBlue]

@ElizaBlue
We have the opposite situation. DH is more strict on BabyGirl 2 when she is with us and she kicks up a fit when he tells her that while he understands her mom may let her do certain things, she will not be going, doing, partaking in certain activities on our weekends.

She's 16...and more inclined to just not come over when she has something she wants to do that she knows he won't let her.

This is the point! I'm of the opinion that it should be uniform. So if the father doesn't allow her to do something, even when she comes to your house, she still should not do those things. Because by giving the child such choice, you're also allowing her to stick it to the other parent AND it can also be a backhanded way for the visiting parent to stick it to the custodial parent. So even though you don't agree with what the father's rules, you support them? Am I correct? If so, I totally agree with you...

@Fine 4s Yes mam we are in agreement. In my case he is more of a parent than the mom, who lets her do/wear/say/go to pretty much anything and everything. I think the BM does this intentionally because she for the most part acts like a 13-14 year old and she knows it will cause strife.

But that said when these situations happen I tell her what her dad says is the "only" word, not even the final word. So she knows not to come to me with what do you think? And she has tried that a couple of times. Now behind closed doors DH and I will discuss our reasons, pros/cons but he gets the final say with my full support...once we've discussed it IF I disagree.

 

[Fine 4s]

I was proud of him when he told DD that she couldn't play because he thought about it, did research and most importantly because her mom disapproves of the game. Then he texted the mother to let her know what he did. I was proud