Co-Habitation Before Getting Married

[dede1129]

What is your opinion on living together prior to marriage?

Do you see it as a benefit or a hinderance towards getting the ring?

I am speaking in reference to someone you are in a committed relationship with.

What if you were not in a rush to get married again? Forget the generalizations...I am talking about me
SO here is the reason for the inquiry on this topic. My SO and I have been together for a few months and we live around the corner from each other and so we are always over each others houses. Literally every night we alternate houses deoending on our workouts and whose turn it is to cook. We alternate that too. We carpool to work together, go to lunch together, work out after work together, then watch movies, cook dinner, eat, then go to bed...together.
So the thing is we live in Hawaii and I pay $1675 for rent and he pays $1795 and to us it does not make sense to pay that much individually when we both occupy both houses. Our kids are intermingled as well. We have both been married before and so we are in no rush to get remarried but we are in a committed relationship and love each other and spending time together we just want to take the step of marriage slow.

 

[FemmeCreole]

I've done it before and don't regret it. Now I wouldn't do it until I was at least engaged with firm plans in place. But I do need to see who I'm living with before taking that permanent jump.

There are things you will be privy to that you won't typically be aware off by just overnight stays or a weekend here and there.

Just my opinion and experience.

 

[Windsy]

I don't like living together long-term; for me it would have to be 6 months (max) to the wedding date.

I believe it can go either way; the result depends on the views on marriage that each party has.

 

[dede1129]

Let me be clear, are you saying if you were not engaged you would not move in together?

I don't like living together long-term; for me it would have to be 6 months (max) to the wedding date.

I believe it can go either way; the result depends on the views on marriage that each party has.

 

[anon123]

I've done it before and don't regret it. Now I wouldn't do it until I was at least engaged with firm plans in place. But I do need to see who I'm living with before taking that permanent jump.

There are things you will be privy to that you won't typically be aware off by just overnight stays or a weekend here and there.

Just my opinion and experience.

What things did you learn, for example?

 

[Windsy]

Let me be clear, are you saying if you were not engaged you would not move in together?

Correct...

 

[kupenda]

I would do it, but not if I was dependent on the other person. I want to be able to pay for my own stuff and be able to get a place to live on my own if ish goes screwy. And the expectation is that we are moving towards marriage. I'm not gonna be a live in girlfriend just out of convenience. If we live together, people know we are looking to make it official. But that doesn't mean I have issues with people that don't feel that way


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[cartelise]

Been there, done that and looking for my own place now. Our relationship went downhill, he got dry comfortable and started expecting "wifely" duties. We ended up breaking up and ready to part. I'll be moving on my own within a month or so.

We've only lived together 7 months but was dating for 2 years.

 

[dede1129]

In an effort not to make another thread I am just gonna ask...

What do you consider "wifely duties" ??

Been there, done that and looking for my own place now. Our relationship went downhill, he got dry comfortable and started expecting "wifely" duties. We ended up breaking up and ready to part. I'll be moving on my own within a month or so.

We've only lived together 7 months but was dating for 2 years.

 

[FemmeCreole]

What things did you learn, for example?

When I lived with my ex I found out that he created trails of clothing on the floor so.. you could know exactly where he's been.

He kept the bathroom door open when doing #2

He would pile dishes in the sink on purpose... just to piss me off.

Got mad if I didn't call on my way home from work... got mad if I called and woke him up.

He was extremely dependent on me for meals. So much so that he would stay hungry if I was out. And he'd be mad that "I left him hungry" even though there was always food in the house.

Felt that since we lived together he had the right to go through my phone at will.

Doing his laundry took a bit of getting used to.

When he's sick... oh Lord... he's a total invalid. A slight cold would have him so miserable and in turn I would be miserable because he would not let me sleep. If he's awake I had to be too.


These are all things I never saw or he never did when we spent weekends or wen on vacation together. There's more but I don't wish to divulge on the www.

 

[firecracker]

Not trying to be funny but we have loads of old very interesting threads on this subject. So check that out too.

I was never really into shackin but I'm not against. For some folks it works out well and others not so much.

 

[cartelise]

In an effort not to make another thread I am just gonna ask...

What do you consider "wifely duties" ??

He wanted me to have dinner waiting for him when he got home and his laundry done etc. It was annoying.

 

[B_Phlyy]

I'm with Windsy, if we aren't engaged with a clear date, I'll stay at my place.

But I do agree with FemmeCreole you learn a lot more from living together. I ultimately didn't get married to my ex-fiance because of how he started acting once we moved in together.

 

[delitefulmane]

I think it is a total hinderance. Even if you are in a "committed relationship" the only real committed relationship, IMHO, is marriage. I personally would not do it because men start to expect things from this arrangement. Like the saying goes, "Why buy the milk, when you can get the cow for free?"

 

[sugarwater]

I always thought it was a good idea to live together before you're married or engaged. Wouldn't it better to find out the things FemmeCreole found out before you are engaged and have to break it off if things don't get better? You don't really know a person until you live with them.

 

[BonBon]

I've done it in the past, but I don't want to do it again.

I don't think it is a hindrance particularly. If a man is marriage minded, he's marriage minded. I know a lot of people who cohabited then married.

However, I hate the complication of living together. I hate how you feel bound to contracts etc.. if you need to break up and sometimes end up somewhere you can't afford because of it. Just a headache. CBA with all that with just an SO.

 

[tyrablu]

I've never done it, but it's not for me.

 

[faithVA]

I have lived with several boyfriends over the years for various reasons. Now I wouldn't do it unless I was engaged with a set date like another poster said. I wouldn't change anything but I have learned enough from past experience. You learn some things but you still end up sacrificing parts of your life during the time pre-engagement. And I don't want to do that. I like having my space, my stuff and if that is to change then I want a ring and a date.

 

[MzLady78]

I have. Not against doing it again, but it would depend in the situation.

When I lived with my ex, I got to see how he really was. And I'm not talking about little annoying ish like leaving the toilet seat up or drinking all but a tablespoon of milk. I mean things that would have drastically affected my life if we got married, which was the plan.

 

[MamaBear2012]

I have. Not against doing it again, but it would depend in the situation.

When I lived with my ex, I got to see how he really was. And I'm not talking about little annoying ish like leaving the toilet seat up or drinking all but a tablespoon of milk. I mean things that would have drastically affected my life if we got married, which was the plan.[/QUOTE]

MzLady78, Was it stuff that you wouldn't have found out if you hadn't been living together? (I'm not asking for specifics, just curious)

 

[faithVA]

What I found out about a guy that I was dating when I moved in, was that he smoked, he drank several beers every day and he played video games excessively among other things. I didn't see or detect any of that when we dated or when I visited his home. Because I would only stay for a night or a weekend, he was able to hide it and then he went back to it when I left.

Perhaps I would have found this out if I dated him long enough but not sure. But who he was pretending to be and who he was were too different people. His reasoning was that once I fell in love with him I would over look those things. Um, No

 

[MzLady78]

I have. Not against doing it again, but it would depend in the situation.

When I lived with my ex, I got to see how he really was. And I'm not talking about little annoying ish like leaving the toilet seat up or drinking all but a tablespoon of milk. I mean things that would have drastically affected my life if we got married, which was the plan.[/QUOTE]

@MzLady78, Was it stuff that you wouldn't have found out if you hadn't been living together? (I'm not asking for specifics, just curious)

Yes, it was.

 

[moda]

I did it with my dh but we had a date set and married within 4 months of buying our house.

 

[dede1129]

What if you were not in a rush to get married again? Forget the generalizations...I am talking about me

SO here is the reason for the inquiry on this topic. My SO and I have been together for a few months and we live around the corner from each other and so we are always over each others houses. Literally every night we alternate houses deoending on our workouts and whose turn it is to cook. We alternate that too. We carpool to work together, go to lunch together, work out after work together, then watch movies, cook dinner, eat, then go to bed...together.

So the thing is we live in Hawaii and I pay $1675 for rent and he pays $1795 and to us it does not make sense to pay that much individually when we both occupy both houses. Our kids are intermingled as well. We have both been married before and so we are in no rush to get remarried but we are in a committed relationship and love each other and spending time together we just want to take the step of marriage slow.

 

[MochaMooch]

What if you were not in a rush to get married again? Forget the generalizations...I am talking about me

SO here is the reason for the inquiry on this topic. My SO and I have been together for a few months and we live around the corner from each other and so we are always over each others houses. Literally every night we alternate houses deoending on our workouts and whose turn it is to cook. We alternate that too. We carpool to work together, go to lunch together, work out after work together, then watch movies, cook dinner, eat, then go to bed...together.

So the thing is we live in Hawaii and I pay $1675 for rent and he pays $1795 and to us it does not make sense to pay that much individually when we both occupy both houses. Our kids are intermingled as well. We have both been married before and so we are in no rush to get remarried but we are in a committed relationship and love each other and spending time together we just want to take the step of marriage slow.

The only person who can know what's right for you is you. However in my opinion, I think you are moving way too fast to think about moving in with someone you've been with for only a few months especially when there are kids involved and you've both been married before. Moving in with someone for practical reasons such as saving money or because you're together nearly all the time anyway are not good enough reasons to move in with someone. If you are in no rush to get married you should also not be in a rush to move in together since it's pretty much the same level of commitment.

 

[ThickHair]

The only person who can know what's right for you is you. However in my opinion, I think you are moving way too fast to think about moving in with someone you've been with for only a few months especially when there are kids involved and you've both been married before. Moving in with someone for practical reasons such as saving money or because you're together nearly all the time anyway are not good enough reasons to move in with someone. If you are in no rush to get married you should also not be in a rush to move in together since it's pretty much the same level of commitment.

I couldn not have said it any better.

My eyes bugged out at "knowing each other only for a few months".

OP what do you think you are missing out on by not moving in with him? It seems like your emphasis is on saving money. There are many ways to save money without moving in together. What are the ages of the children? Where are the other parents? Just asking.

 

[dede1129]

I understand what you are saying. Ultimately, in my mind I keep thinking of reasons to move and not to move and knowing our relationship I don't really see a reason not to. I know happy couples that are in committed relationships and cohabitate and I also know married couples that are happy too and some miserable. It is not simply out of convenience, it is more of that I enjoy him being a part of my everyday life in my home or his and it just works as far as our military lifestyles and our desire to be with each other. I don't feel that it is rushing because in more time I dont think I will learn more about him apart than I would with him together. But I do understand your point too.

The only person who can know what's right for you is you. However in my opinion, I think you are moving way too fast to think about moving in with someone you've been with for only a few months especially when there are kids involved and you've both been married before. Moving in with someone for practical reasons such as saving money or because you're together nearly all the time anyway are not good enough reasons to move in with someone. If you are in no rush to get married you should also not be in a rush to move in together since it's pretty much the same level of commitment.

 

[Windsy]

I understand what you are saying. Ultimately, in my mind I keep thinking of reasons to move and not to move and knowing our relationship I don't really see a reason not to. I know happy couples that are in committed relationships and cohabitate and I also know married couples that are happy too and some miserable. It is not simply out of convenience, it is more of that I enjoy him being a part of my everyday life in my home or his and it just works as far as our military lifestyles and our desire to be with each other. I don't feel that it is rushing because in more time I dont think I will learn more about him apart than I would with him together. But I do understand your point too.

If you don't see any reason NOT TO move in then why start this thread soliciting opinions on the matter?

I think you're having doubts and maybe, just maybe you should entertain your doubts some more and hold off on this.

Good Luck with what ever decision you make!

 

[dede1129]

We have only been in a relationship for a few months I have known him longer than that. We were really close friends before that. We love each other and want to share our lives together that is what is our concern with moving in. We are just not ready for marriage yet. Money was just a bonus to be honest because we are both in the military and for sure can afford to live apart if we wanted to. My daughter is 2 and his kids are 6 and 8. They other parents are in the states while we are stationed in Hawaii together. We have all met and are cool.

I couldn not have said it any better.

My eyes bugged out at "knowing each other only for a few months".

OP what do you think you are missing out on by not moving in with him? It seems like your emphasis is on saving money. There are many ways to save money without moving in together. What are the ages of the children? Where are the other parents? Just asking.

 

[dede1129]

I started this thread to get others opinions, not to make my decision. I know my outlook on it and I was just curious to see others point of view. Sometimes people who are not in your situation can bring things to light that you don't actually see yourself. I don't think that means I have doubts, I just wanted to look at the big picture.

If you don't see any reason NOT TO move in then why start this thread soliciting opinions on the matter?

I think you're having doubts and maybe, just maybe you should entertain your doubts some more and hold off on this.

Good Luck with what ever decision you make!