loolalooh
Well-Known Member
I needed this post because I live in a "podunk" town and will be stuck here for the next two years. The pool of men here is just SAD.
Off to read ...
christianity and online dating?
- Thread starter Kinkyhairlady
- Start date
I needed this post because I live in a "podunk" town and will be stuck here for the next two years. The pool of men here is just SAD.
Off to read ...
loolalooh
Well-Known Member
I've been reserving my comment about "Christianity and online dating". Everytime I've tried online dating, I felt convicted against it. I felt like I was going against my inner spirit.
This is not to say that it is a sin. I would have to meditate on that and get back to you, but I'm sure the ladies in here have already answered the question thoroughly. I just know that it is not God's plan for me, and the few times I have tried it have kind of confirmed that.
This is not to say that it is a sin. I would have to meditate on that and get back to you, but I'm sure the ladies in here have already answered the question thoroughly. I just know that it is not God's plan for me, and the few times I have tried it have kind of confirmed that.
Sarophina
Well-Known Member
I remember this story in Leslie (Ludy's) book Set apart femininity. Her story definitely inspires me to wait and not try to make anything happen!
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
Disclaimer: Dont do anything you believe to be a sin or are uncomfortable with.
With that said I am of the opinion that there isn't anything inherently godly or ungodly about online dating. I dont see it as any more dangerous than going out on a date with a stranger (which is normally how it happens...exchange numbers, a few phone calls, then a date). I'm not advocating having secret internet lives where you've never met the person in real life but claim you're in a relationship. THe internet it the initial point of contact.
I also have to interject that we cannot discount the adverse social environment we as black women are operating within. When sin entered the earth...it caused all kinds of destruction and havoc and everyone felt those consequences. And guess what? God allows sin and the god of this world to reign on the just as well as the unjust. God doesn't always shield us from consequences of sin (ours nor others). If that were so then no innocent child would be raped, no innocent bystander would be killed, no believer would ever suffer discrimination... So we cannot discount the FACT that there is an overabundance of marraigeable black women...but not nearly the same abundance of marriageable black men (especially not when a large portion of men of marriageable age are in prison). I'm not the only one that can count on one hand the number of black men I know that I would recommend to a friend but can count on all my fingers and toes the number of black women I would recommend.
Now I said all that not to dissaude people from having faith in God for a mate. But just so we see the reality that sin has caused and know that there will be casualties of this war so it is to our advantage to "position" ourselves in ways that mitigate those circumstances. (And of COURSE always remembering that no matter the circumstances that sin has caused, Gods grace is sufficient for us). Its like needing a job. There is a scarcity of jobs in this economy-nothing of your own doing but a reality nontheless-but none of us would sit at home or go about our normal day and pray that a job will materialize. Is it possible to get a call out of the blue with someone offering you a job? Yes. But most of us would get out and position ourselves as best as we can-filling out applications, networking etc. and trusting God to add the increase, give direction and open doors. I don't believe we should "pursue" men...I think God has placed something in their nature that causes them to need to be the pursuer. But I do believe in making oursleves available.
...Says the woman who met her husband at church lol. (But he was one of two available/acceptable men in a medium sized church so the other 20 available women had to look elsewhere)
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StarScream35
Well-Known Member
There are lots of posts including my own which talks about how there is a shortage of Christian men for Christian women in the black communities and I'm wondering what will this mean for future generations? Often times people don't like to jump way in the future but I'm one of those that do. There have been so many social changes that has affected the church in many negative ways that I wonder if this will have a negative affect somehow. I'm wondering if more black Christian women will be okay with pairing themselves up with Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Hindus etc in an effort to find men? I know this may be an extreme view but nobody thought homosexuality would be affecting the church either.
loolalooh
Well-Known Member
This is a really good discussion, ladies.
To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
So, the question is, are we seeing the effects as described in the quote (shortage of Christian men leading to fewer marriages or even unequally yoked marriages)? or are we just getting married later in life? Maybe the truth will come in the next few generations. I'm hoping that in spite of the sin in this world, God's gift of marriage is still thriving. I just refuse to believe that the many of us who have this desire will never be married. I mean, why would He allow such a desire to remain in us if He did not put it there (this is assuming we are our A game in our spiritual walk)?
P.S. If my post comes off rude, forgive me. I'm trying to paint a tone of curiosity and it's more frustration at the situation among single Christian women (especially black) than you or any other poster here.
MrsHaseeb
Well-Known Member
loolalooh said:This is a really good discussion, ladies.
To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
So, the question is, are we seeing the effects as described in the quote (shortage of Christian men leading to fewer marriages or even unequally yoked marriages)? or are we just getting married later in life? Maybe the truth will come in the next few generations. I'm hoping that in spite of the sin in this world, God's gift of marriage is still thriving. I just refuse to believe that the many of us who have this desire will never be married. I mean, why would He allow such a desire to remain in us if He did not put it there (this is assuming we are our A game in our spiritual walk)?
P.S. If my post comes off rude, forgive me. I'm trying to paint a tone of curiosity and it's more frustration at the situation among single Christian women (especially black) than you or any other poster here.
Dont worry. Not rude at all. I understand totally.
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Iwanthealthyhair67
Well-Known Member
at the bolded : or is our unwillingness to accept that we all wont be married is why the desire remains?
just curious
just curious
This is a really good discussion, ladies.
To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
So, the question is, are we seeing the effects as described in the quote (shortage of Christian men leading to fewer marriages or even unequally yoked marriages)? or are we just getting married later in life? Maybe the truth will come in the next few generations. I'm hoping that in spite of the sin in this world, God's gift of marriage is still thriving. I just refuse to believe that the many of us who have this desire will never be married. I mean, why would He allow such a desire to remain in us if He did not put it there (this is assuming we are our A game in our spiritual walk)?
P.S. If my post comes off rude, forgive me. I'm trying to paint a tone of curiosity and it's more frustration at the situation among single Christian women (especially black) than you or any other poster here.
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StarScream35
Well-Known Member
This is a really good discussion, ladies.
To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
So, the question is, are we seeing the effects as described in the quote (shortage of Christian men leading to fewer marriages or even unequally yoked marriages)? or are we just getting married later in life? Maybe the truth will come in the next few generations. I'm hoping that in spite of the sin in this world, God's gift of marriage is still thriving. I just refuse to believe that the many of us who have this desire will never be married. I mean, why would He allow such a desire to remain in us if He did not put it there (this is assuming we are our A game in our spiritual walk)?
P.S. If my post comes off rude, forgive me. I'm trying to paint a tone of curiosity and it's more frustration at the situation among single Christian women (especially black) than you or any other poster here.
You didn't come off rude at all. In fact you sound like me when I'm curious about something. It really is a difficult topic to tackle with so many different answers. I would like to think it's because people are getting married at an older age but when I look around at my surroundings and society, things look a little different. Most of my college friends were white or Asian.....they are all married with children. (Same holds true for my coworkers). My three black friends are single just like me. Though we try to be encouraging to one another, the frustration and worries manifest themselves anyway. One of them told me how she joined a church after moving from a different state only to be treated kinda odd because she was 40, single and no kids. At around the same time a single mother joined and was greated with open arms. I knew exactly how she felt cause I have been treated this way as well. I even had church members ask me did I want kids. I was like........got to find the husband first! Most would respond with the you better hurry up cause you running out of time. Girl, no words can explain how this makes you feel hearing someone say this, especially in the church family. I've had some even tell me, you don't really need a man. So let me get this right, it's okay to be a single mother but being older and single, with no kids and never married makes you a side show freak?
Me and my three sista girls eventually all ended up on the wrong path because the desires and pressures were just too much. I went on and got into sin with the wrong guy. My other friend hit rock bottom, suicidal depression which led her to be fired from a job. The other one is simply in the world and messing with every Marquis, Jamal and Mario, and one got married and divorced all within 2 years. I can see where we might be judged by this but boy, you gotta live it first. We never would have thought we would have ended up like this!
loolalooh
Well-Known Member
Good question.
I just keep on thinking about Psalm 37:4 and Matthew 7:7, especially Psalm 37:4. If we are truly grounded in the Lord, walk closely with Him, are renewing our mind ... and this desire for marriage exists in the midst of all of that, then it has to be of Him, right? And if it is of Him, He will grant it, right? But if the desire exists because of mere loneliness, selfishness, dependency issues, or, essentially, because of emotion or the flesh or a necessity to gratify the "self", then chances are, He won't fulfill it. I guess it comes down to "why is the desire there?" .... because He put it there or because "we" put it there? And I guess the answer depends on our walk.
But, then again, there is so much sin and mess in the world, that my view could be too black and white for a world that is so gray.
Good question and something to chew on.
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StarScream35
Well-Known Member
loolalooh
I just wanna say, don't let what I'm saying discourage you because often times it's people like you who encourages people like me! I can tell you are on fire. Keep it that way. But also, don't turn a blind eye to people like me. I think this is why so many issues go untackled in the church because people turn a blind eye to things they don't really wanna see or address. This is unfortunate because I'm sure had I and many others been ministered to, we would have made different choices. Sometimes it's those few forgotten ones, that need ministering to the most. Stay strong sista and if you find that you aren't being ministered to anymore, girl ask for help, talk to your pastors wife, the church elders, write to different ministries, pray, pray, pray, pray, get rid of cable, take cold showers if desires become too much, don't keep any male company around even if they are Christian, if friends around you get married and you find yourself alone, join meetup.com and make some new single friends, do something interesting like learn how to knit, work is a tough area but try to keep to yourself but without seeming stuck up. I wish I had someone tell me this so hopefully what I'm saying helps.
I just wanna say, don't let what I'm saying discourage you because often times it's people like you who encourages people like me! I can tell you are on fire. Keep it that way. But also, don't turn a blind eye to people like me. I think this is why so many issues go untackled in the church because people turn a blind eye to things they don't really wanna see or address. This is unfortunate because I'm sure had I and many others been ministered to, we would have made different choices. Sometimes it's those few forgotten ones, that need ministering to the most. Stay strong sista and if you find that you aren't being ministered to anymore, girl ask for help, talk to your pastors wife, the church elders, write to different ministries, pray, pray, pray, pray, get rid of cable, take cold showers if desires become too much, don't keep any male company around even if they are Christian, if friends around you get married and you find yourself alone, join meetup.com and make some new single friends, do something interesting like learn how to knit, work is a tough area but try to keep to yourself but without seeming stuck up. I wish I had someone tell me this so hopefully what I'm saying helps.
StarScream35
Well-Known Member
Double post...................................sorry
LucieLoo12
Well-Known Member
I pray that this don't happen, because that is really showing no trust in God. That is like saying "Im going to marry who ever because God not going to give me a Christian man"
loolalooh
Well-Known Member
Thanks, Brighteyes35! No worries. I really do appreciate your (and everyone's) perspectives on this topic. You're right in that we shouldn't turn a blind eye.
This fire only recently came on again after cutting ties with yet another man who was deadweight spiritually. I had a period when I slipped into the opposite direction, but yesterday, in the middle of my tears, I just started praying and then reading Heather's blog and then reading a Christian book on dating. The fire will stay on this time.
I want to believe that every single Christian woman who has a God-given (and not self-driven) desire for marriage will be married, but only God knows. I do know that I've been like Israel in the wilderness in that I've been delaying this gift by entertaining "randoms" (as Heather puts it). I also know, that as I am now, I would make a "decent" wife, but decent isn't good enough; I need to learn how to truly "love" like Christ before I am capable of loving my future husband. (It was last night that I discovered that my "love" mimics more of the worldly definition than Christ's.) Then there is the other case, like my unmarried 26-year-old sister, who is much more grounded than me spiritually, still a virgin, never dated, but also desires marriage. With her, it is not necessarily about growing more spiritually or learning how to "love" prior to meeting her future husband; I sense it is more about completing some of her work for Christ as a single before devoting some of that time to a marriage. (He's using her a LOT in her singleness.)
I want to believe that if each of us can dig down deep, we can each learn why it is that God is keeping us single for now (whether it be for purging or for His service or something else). But I'll pray that He holds to His promise in Psalm 37:4 for each of us.
Thanks for the encouragement in this post.
Please don't stop sharing your thoughts, though. Again, I really do appreciate everyone's perspectives.
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
This is kind of what I was trying to get at. Everyone that has the desire to be married wont be married. Unfortunately. Not due to anything you've done or that God doesn't think you deserve it...but because sin has far reaching consequences and we can't all escape them.
God created us with the disire for a mate. But he only PROMISED to make sure we had food clothing and shelter if we seek his kingdom.
I think about things like slavery. It was an evil perpetrated by man, and though many enslaved people were saved, had a strong desire to be free and prayed about it...many of them died in that enslavement. May seem like an extreme example but I think its worth thinking about how God lets things/sin play out. So some of us will have to remain single...especially if we are looking to remain equally yoked. Thats where Gods grace comes in at being sufficient for us.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
CoilyFields said:
CoilyFields
I have to disagree a little. I truly believe if one want to be married then God will answer that prayer. I know there are many single Christian women out there crying for a husband but a lot of times these women are making very little effort to position themselves so a mate can find them. I'm def guilty of that. I work, go to school and church but I am not active in school activities or church activities. Women have to put themselves in positions to be noticed. Women at my church who are active are rarely single. This one girl in praise and worship was noticed by a man visiting and they've been married 7 years now. Online dating is not for me but it is another form of getting yourself noticed but just be selective and pray about the men who approach.
MrsHaseeb
Well-Known Member
To tell yourself or other women to just accept that they won't be married just because we may not see men everywhere is calling God's Word a lie. We are instructed to walk by faith not by sight. If we choose to believe and be lead by circumstance and walk in double mindedness then we need not expect anything from God because we won't receive it. To be honest, I think this is the main reason many black women in churches are single. They struggle with faith that God will give them a mate. Thoughts do become things and God's Word tells us we are what we think (Proverbs 23:7) so if you're praying for a husband and saying you want one yet you lack faith in your heart for God to provide one and focus on being single and the lack of men in churches then please expect to stay single. I serve a sovereign God and I don't have to believe what I see just because its in front of me. If I choose not to believe His Word I make him a liar. I refuse to accept that I may be doomed to be single. That's a trick of the enemy to make women discouraged and possibly end up falling into sin and fornication when it was your own lack of faith the entire time.
Fear is faith in reverse. Whatever you fear demands to come to pass. If you fear that you will remain single and God may not grant you a husband that will be your reality.
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Fear is faith in reverse. Whatever you fear demands to come to pass. If you fear that you will remain single and God may not grant you a husband that will be your reality.
Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
Amen to everything you said! God's word is the truth and he said if you desire to be married you will be! We as single women have to look deep within ourselves and figure out why we are single. Sometimes we are the ones holding ourselves back by thinking we don't deserve a good man or we are not good enough. Men smell weakness a mile away, the good ones will not appproach but the liars who feed on vulnerability will. I am very shy and quiet and that has really hindered my dating life. As I get older my self esteem is not what it once was because I feel I am not as desireable as i was in my 20s but that just the devil trying to mess with my head. We are what we think we are. If you think you are not deserving of a husband than you are placing yourself in that position. We all are deserving of Gods gifts no matter what your past is but you need to let God lead the way and follow suit.
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
Gods word doesn't promise us a mate.
I agree about having faith in God to give you things even when circumstances may dictate otherwise. But we must be aware of what God has actually promised versus what we are asking for.
But I dont believe in ignoring the reality of consequences of sin that may affect your life (not necessarily your own sin). It may cause you to be complacent about things (ignoring the fact that you need to do something different to get better results-perhaps online dating lol).
I also dont want people to ignore sin because then...if you dont get what you've asked God for...and lets be real...God does NOT give us everything we ask for (for various reasons) many people will blame God, blame themselves etc. when sin is the cause. I know plenty of Christians whose faith has been shaken becuase they didnt get what it was that they wanted/asked/prayed for. They didnt understand what God really promises us and how living in this world will bring us trials and worries etc. Everyone that prays for healing from cancer wont get it, everyone who prays for a husband, wont get one, everyone who prays for that great job wont get it. If that was the case then Christians would be the richest, healthiest, most married (and staying married) folks on earth.
I dont want to discourage ANYONE from having faith in God...cause I sure believe God for some IMPOSSIBLE situations in my life. But I guess my thing is...ask...have faith...take action...and if it doesn't happen dont charge it to God...and remember that no matter what happens God's grace is sufficient.
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
I guess thats where we disagree. I dont believe that just becuase you want something doesn't mean you will get it. God doesn't promise us that.
Kalani
Well-Known Member
I tried the online thing upon my re-entrance into the dating world because after a 5 year break from all things men I was awkward as heck
I was also in a stage of my life where I wanted to try new things and explore my outdoor adventure side but alas none of my female friends shared my desire to try things like snowboarding. 
So in my online search I looked for active, outdoor types which brings me to the bolded. I found my best guy friend and mountain biking buddy from an online site. There was never a romantic connection but we totally hit off. After a while I grew tired of online dating (though I did score some fun, memorable dates) but he remains a great friend til this day.
MrsHaseeb
Well-Known Member
I totally understand what you are saying and for the most part I don't necessarily disagree. However God promises us the desires of our heart. To believe that God can't provide a husband limits Him. But again, if someone accepts that they are doomed to be single that is what they will get. I choose to believe I serve a God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I may ask or think.
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Iwanthealthyhair67
Well-Known Member
I'd dare to say that we all beleive and know that God is well able to do exceedingly abundantly and above all...however, the fact still remains that we don't always get what we pray for, it's doesn't always mean that the person praying lacks faith or vacillates between two opinions...
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
To the bolded:
I was taught that Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" has been misinterpreted to mean that whatever our hearts desire, God will give it to us as long as we delight in him.
It really means that when we delight in God HE will PUT desires into our hearts so that he can then fulfill them. Every desire that we have is not of God...and just because its not directly from God does not mean its a wrong desire to have either. (Neither does it mean that He will not fulfill certain of those desires that he did not deposit).
I guess I speak from the experience of being one of those Christians who desired something soooooooooo strongly. Prayed, fasted, believed, tried to do everything right...and still didnt get what I'd asked for. It was really traumatic to my faith because it was the first time that I had really stepped out on faith for anything bigger than a passing grade on an exam in undergrad lol. Thats why I keep saying his grace is sufficient...because thats what I had to learn. That Gods grace is good enough to fill in the "gaps" and "holes" that are present in my life.
To the Red: I didn't say God wasnt able to provide one...I said that He wouldn't always do it. He lets sin play out and doesnt always mitigate those consequences and realities...not that he cant...he just wont...and He chooses when and if he does.
But as you said...we're mostly agreeing with each other...just some other peripheral differences.
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