Can a man "grow" on you if he's not your type????

[Kiadodie]

I'm asking this question because all of my life, I've always like the good looking ones and it usually turns out to be a disaster because they either already had a girlfriend or have some type of drama to them.

I NEVER like the guys that like me.

This guy told me yesterday that I need to go for the nice ones, the ones that will do anything for me.
So, I guess my question is, if you're not attracted to a guy but he's the sweetest person and will do anything for you...can he grow on you???

Is that the right way to go? I'm not sure anymore. I don't want to end up single all of my life because I wasn't willing to like a guy that wasn't actually my "type". But how do you like someone that isn't your type??

 

[Synthia]

Even though I have a certain physical type I'm attracted too, I would absolutely chooose against that type if a man was my type philosophically and intellectually.

Because it is much harder to match ideology. And that is where the strongest attraction for me lies. I can talk to a man that I don't find attractive and if we share the same passions for the same principles then I immediately find him attractive.

If this 'nice' guy isn't your type in ANY way, then I don't possibly see how it could be fulfilling for you. Allthough I guess it could be a pretty steady and convenient relationship.

I would dominate and completely walk over guys who are too low-key and inassertive -- that's what's usually meant by the code word 'nice.' Is that how your potential guy is?

That would be boring as hell to me ...simply because I'm a personality that thrives off of challenge, conflict, and power match-ups in a realtionship (in an inspiration way, not destructive way).

I need someone aggressive and dominant who can provide that challenge for me. It fits my definition of what I need in a man.

I'm sure you're a different personality since you're even taking the time to ponder this. If you're happy with someone waiting on you head and foot (my cousin is, many women are), then try it out.

There are some really 'nice' men out there ...
who should not be overlooked.

 

[Blu217]

I think you should be OPEN to the idea. That just means you might want to consider going on a few dates and seeing if you click. It's possible you could discover an attraction you never thought you could have with someone outside your usual type, if you just let him in to your life a little.

I don't think it means you force youself to keep going out with someone nice for whom you feel nothing, hoping and waiting that you start to develop feelings. If after about 5 dates you can't see it happening, you've given it plenty of time and effort. He's just not for you.

I prefer to be alone to dating someone I am not attracted to, because part of companionship is physical closeness. Yes, it's about mental stimulation and intellectual compatibility--absolutely. But I also have to be desire him physically, or it's just a friendship. So look for all those things, and just wait to see if they ALL rise to the surface with a little time.

 

[Laginappe]

I'm watching an example of this unfold right now. Someone close to me was dating two men at the same time. "C" and "A". Both guys met the basic requirements - single, self-sufficient, no kids, gentlemen, actively interested in dating and not pressuring for sex.

Until about a month ago “A” was the front runner. Why? He’s more attractive, and taller. “C” is attractive but he didn’t quite meet the height requirments. My friend was about 10 minutes from cutting “C” loose and focussing her attention on “A”.

Then things changed and “C” proved himself to be a better contender overall. Now all she’s talking about is “C” and dreading the very mention of “A’s” name. And she’s suddenly more interested in lower heels and flats. LOL.

 

[nicki6]

I think the answer to this question depends on the woman. I fell in love with a man that was so NOT my type due to the way that he treated me. Physically, I would not have chosen him, but from an emotional aspect he HAD me on lock

It didn't end well, but I am thankful for the experience of living a dream:wink2:

 

[Belle Du Jour]

My friends don't believe when I say this, but I have NO type. I am attracted to all ages, races, heights, etc. I tend to feel a guy's personality very strongly and tend to like guys based on that. It's totally random. I would give a guy a chance if I was attracted to his personality rather than his looks right away because I do think that people can grow on you, especially after you get to know them. For example, remember that dude in Hitch who Will Smith was trying to help? I told my sister I would talk to a guy like that even though he isn't my physical type, but he was so sweet and cared about Allegra so much. That's what I need.

 

[Kiadodie]

Thanks for all of your inputs. I agree w/ you Synthia, I"m more stimulated by a guy that is aggressive and dominant. That's what I like, but I guess I"m wondering if I'm attracting the wrong type . This guy is SOOO nice. I wouldn't call him boring but I'm just not attracted to him.

He is a real nice guy and he is aggressive as far as trying to pursue me but I don't know,....he's just not my type. I am not physically attracted to him at all .
I don't know..I just find it hard to find a guy that I like that is available and is willing to spend the time to get to know me. It's like, the ones I like are usually emotionally unavailable for whatever reason.

Now, if I started liking this guy "naturally" than that's a different story..but right now I'm just not attracted to him at all.

I guess, I'm wondering..how about if this guy or another "nice" guy is what God wanted for me and I passed them up??? But then again, if God wanted it for me, wouldn't I be able to like him? UGh I'm so confused

 

[MizAvalon]

For me, the answer is no. Not saying that I necessarily have a "type", but if I'm not attracted to you then I'm just not. All the dinner and dancing in the world won't change that.

I've had so many people over the years tell me to just give the "nice"(but not so attractive) guy a chance. For what? Nothing romantic will ever come of it, so there's no reason to waste either of our time. The people that usually say this to me are the ones who after finding out more about a guy's personality, can begin to see him as more attractive even if they didn't previously. I am NOT that way. I don't care how nice, funny, or charming a man is. If I feel nothing for you physically then there is no point in proceeding.

Of course, there is SO much more to relationships than just the physical. However there are millions and millions of men in this world for me to choose from. I don't feel like I have to pick "either/or". I will be choosing a man that stimulates me in ALL ways.

 

[JamericanGurl]

No! I have tried and it always goes back to what I'm attracted to. I think in order for a person to grow on you. They have to posess at least one or two qualities that you want in a man.
JMO

 

[Kiadodie]

For me, the answer is no. Not saying that I necessarily have a "type", but if I'm not attracted to you then I'm just not. All the dinner and dancing in the world won't change that.

I've had so many people over the years tell me to just give the "nice"(but not so attractive) guy a chance. For what? Nothing romantic will ever come of it, so there's no reason to waste either of our time. The people that usually say this to me are the ones who after finding out more about a guy's personality, can begin to see him as more attractive even if they didn't previously. I am NOT that way. I don't care how nice, funny, or charming a man is. If I feel nothing for you physically then there is no point in proceeding.

Of course, there is SO much more to relationships than just the physical. However there are millions and millions of men in this world for me to choose from. I don't feel like I have to pick "either/or". I will be choosing a man that stimulates me in ALL ways.

I guess at 34, sometimes I feel like time is running out and I've met all the men that there are to meet.
I guess that stems from fear..fear of being single forever .

 

[SugarBaby]

The older (and wiser) you get, I promise, you won't have a type !

 

[SugarBaby]

The older you get, I promise, you won't have a type!

 

[NeeSee]

It is possible, but don't date someone just because you're afraid of being alone because in the end that will be a disaster.

 

[vevster]

Even though I have a certain physical type I'm attracted too, I would absolutely chooose against that type if a man was my type philosophically and intellectually.

Because it is much harder to match ideology. And that is where the strongest attraction for me lies. I can talk to a man that I don't find attractive and if we share the same passions for the same principles then I immediately find him attractive.

What she said....

 

[yourleoqueen]

For me, the answer is no. Not saying that I necessarily have a "type", but if I'm not attracted to you then I'm just not. All the dinner and dancing in the world won't change that.

I've had so many people over the years tell me to just give the "nice"(but not so attractive) guy a chance. For what? Nothing romantic will ever come of it, so there's no reason to waste either of our time. The people that usually say this to me are the ones who after finding out more about a guy's personality, can begin to see him as more attractive even if they didn't previously. I am NOT that way. I don't care how nice, funny, or charming a man is. If I feel nothing for you physically then there is no point in proceeding.

Of course, there is SO much more to relationships than just the physical. However there are millions and millions of men in this world for me to choose from. I don't feel like I have to pick "either/or". I will be choosing a man that stimulates me in ALL ways.

Thank you, thankyaverrymuch!

 

[B_Phlyy]

I don't think so. However, I do try to give all guys a chance.

If you are not initially physically attracted to a person the first time you meet them, then you will probably not even want to approach them in a relationship sort of way, but you might agree to be friends. Your may become more attracted to the person after this step, but if the initial attraction is not there, you might not even want to go to this step.

 

[Bunny77]

To me, there isn't one yes or no answer... I'd say it all depends on the situation.

I would not be involved with a man who I'm not physically attracted to. I've tried it and no matter how much I tried to turn my like into love, it didn't happen. And these weren't ugly men either... I just wasn't feeling them like that, and no, they never grew on me.

(I think what one poster mentioned about needing 3-5 dates to figure it out is true.)

Now, there could be a problem if your "type" is so constricting that you are attracting the wrong man. If a woman can only be attracted to bad boy types and ignore the nice man who is still assertive and confident, but just not thuggish, then yes, that's a problem.

If you can't find yourself attracted to anyone but the 6-foot-2, bald, dark chocolate brotha, then yes, there might be a problem.

Like another poster said, I really don't have a type. There are certain looks that I find more attractive than others, but I really haven't had a relationship with anyone who fits that look. If one looked at pictures of my past BFs, there would be no commonality. I've gone from a dark chocolate muscular African brotha to a man who looked like he just got off the boat from Sweden. I've dated super-tall (6'7") to 5'7" -- and I can say the 5'7" man was the best kisser of all of them.

I've been on dates with men who look like they could be in GQ Magazine and I just think, eh. Then I go on a date with a man who should be on the cover of Computer Geeks Monthly and I'm in love.

A lot of that has to do with personality, and you may never know if you can truly be attracted to someone if you outright reject them on looks alone... or if you reject someone because you're not used to their type of personality.

So... while I'd say you can become attracted to someone who's not your type, don't force yourself to let someone "grow" on you if you've given him a fair chance and you're just not interested.

And Kia... as you try to figure this whole thing out, I guess you just have to be honest with yourself about whether you're restricting yourself TOO MUCH because of type... but at the same time, don't beat yourself up if you meet a "nice" man and just aren't into him.

P.S. What I've said applies to men who you actually enjoy being around and might consider as a future mate. If meet a certain man and you know from jump that there's no way in h--- that you could ever like him like that, then definitely don't waste your time trying to give him a chance..

 

[PaperDoll]

I'm watching an example of this unfold right now. Someone close to me was dating two men at the same time. "C" and "A". Both guys met the basic requirements - single, self-sufficient, no kids, gentlemen, actively interested in dating and not pressuring for sex.

Until about a month ago “A” was the front runner. Why? He’s more attractive, and taller. “C” is attractive but he didn’t quite meet the height requirments. My friend was about 10 minutes from cutting “C” loose and focussing her attention on “A”.

Then things changed and “C” proved himself to be a better contender overall. Now all she’s talking about is “C” and dreading the very mention of “A’s” name. And she’s suddenly more interested in lower heels and flats. LOL.

damn...your girl sounds like me LOL...

i am kinda in the same situation she is in and as much as i despise flat shoes and men under 6 feet...i have a sudden serious fascination with flat shoes (i bought 5 pairs in the last month!) and a serious infatuation with a man that is 5'6.5 (i'm 5'9.5...6' plus in heels)

so yes kia ..a man that is not your 'type' can grow on you..you gotta give them a chance, cuz i never thought i'd see the day i was really into a 'little guy' ...mr. 5'6(and a half!) is SO not my type physically but he is SO my type in the things that matter most that now i couldn't care less about him being shorter than me

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

Of course you can.... Think about all of the times that you've met just some guy who you knew wasn't worth a darn but you dated him just because you was bored and wanted a date for saturday nite.... If you can fall in love with a sorryazz, then you surely can fall in love with a guy who treats you like royalty, but may not yet be your 'ideal' man. I mean if you spending time with a guy and yall have chemistry, then sparks will fly and you will fall in love. And i stress the point that the qualities in a man should be about his character and how much stability and positivity he can offer you, not about how much of a 'challenge' he is. God did not intend for your SO to be a challenge...if you want a challenge, go to the gym or something. A relationship is supposed to be something positive, a man who adores you and who you can peacefully co-exist with. You need to find a guy like that. A relationship must have a solid foundation in order to stand on... Go for someone who is stable and can offer you a nice stable happy relationship...

 

[Mystic]

Damn girl....., I totally agree with you on this one. This is exactly what happened to me and I am glad i didn't follow my initial feeling. It's now 7 years that we are together and I couldn't possibly see myself with anyone else. He is now my world.

On the other hand though Kia, if you really are not physically attracted to this guy and you have to constantly force yourself to like him, it's not going to work because even though you may stay with him for a while out of fear, you will silently begin to dislike him and everything he does will get on your nerve. You will be miserable and constantly dwell on his imperfections. My girlfriend is dating someone half her age and everyday she forces herself to like him because he is nice to her but it has been going on for 2 years now and she is more miserable and confused now more than ever. She is constantly whining and when I ask her why she don't just leave him and move on, she will sigh and say that she can't because she is afraid to be alone. Yet she stays in it and wants us to go clubs with her to find "the right guy".

Bottom line is, like someone said before, for the guy to grow on you he must have at least 4 things that compensate for his short comings. He must either be charming, funny, have beautiful eyes - whatever - but there must be something that melts your heart in a way that makes you want to be with him and be happy in your relationship.

Of course you can.... Think about all of the times that you've met just some guy who you knew wasn't worth a darn but you dated him just because you was bored and wanted a date for saturday nite.... If you can fall in love with a sorryazz, then you surely can fall in love with a guy who treats you like royalty, but may not yet be your 'ideal' man. I mean if you spending time with a guy and yall have chemistry, then sparks will fly and you will fall in love. And i stress the point that the qualities in a man should be about his character and how much stability and positivity he can offer you, not about how much of a 'challenge' he is. God did not intend for your SO to be a challenge...if you want a challenge, go to the gym or something. A relationship is supposed to be something positive, a man who adores you and who you can peacefully co-exist with. You need to find a guy like that. A relationship must have a solid foundation in order to stand on... Go for someone who is stable and can offer you a nice stable happy relationship...

 

[NeeSee]

Of course you can.... Think about all of the times that you've met just some guy who you knew wasn't worth a darn but you dated him just because you was bored and wanted a date for saturday nite.... If you can fall in love with a sorryazz, then you surely can fall in love with a guy who treats you like royalty, but may not yet be your 'ideal' man. I mean if you spending time with a guy and yall have chemistry, then sparks will fly and you will fall in love. And i stress the point that the qualities in a man should be about his character and how much stability and positivity he can offer you, not about how much of a 'challenge' he is. God did not intend for your SO to be a challenge...if you want a challenge, go to the gym or something. A relationship is supposed to be something positive, a man who adores you and who you can peacefully co-exist with. You need to find a guy like that. A relationship must have a solid foundation in order to stand on... Go for someone who is stable and can offer you a nice stable happy relationship...

This is a good point, very mature thinking.

 

[sweetascocoa]

im in this situation. This guy is seriously the nicest guy ive ever met and i am attracted to him. He's just not as attractive compared to other guys ive dated. So i was a little doubtful. After dating around for like 6 months, i have thought about it and realised it is stupid of me to date men only because their attractive...

 

[Synthia]

Of course you can.... Think about all of the times that you've met just some guy who you knew wasn't worth a darn but you dated him just because you was bored and wanted a date for saturday nite.... If you can fall in love with a sorryazz, then you surely can fall in love with a guy who treats you like royalty, but may not yet be your 'ideal' man. I mean if you spending time with a guy and yall have chemistry, then sparks will fly and you will fall in love. And i stress the point that the qualities in a man should be about his character and how much stability and positivity he can offer you, not about how much of a 'challenge' he is. God did not intend for your SO to be a challenge...if you want a challenge, go to the gym or something. A relationship is supposed to be something positive, a man who adores you and who you can peacefully co-exist with. You need to find a guy like that. A relationship must have a solid foundation in order to stand on... Go for someone who is stable and can offer you a nice stable happy relationship...

How arrogant of you to speak for God and think you have the exclusive interpretation of how the dynamics between man and women should be.

Why don't you just state your view instead of presuming to speak for God.


If challenging characteristics in a mate were of no consequences, the adrenaline biologically inspired in the chase and conquest wouldn't be present.

People respond to different stimuli in mates, why on earth would you think your behavior is God's preferred state.

What a simplistic view, and again, arrogant.

Humans need to be challenged and stimulated in many ways. And that IS positive and inspiring and can fuel productivity and creativity between soulmates. It's makes for higher level mature relationships that takes you beyond a comfort zone and brings out the highest in people.

Since you like referring to God, check out the scripture that says 'as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.' That's not just about challenging stimuli between men, in a man-woman relatinship this type of exchange is exhillariting.

If you don't find it so, no need to act like 'god' isn't sanctioning it for others.


All around the universe, great things are produced with fire, tension, stress, and opposing forces.
Friction has tons of benefits.

 

[Kiadodie]

OK, I gave it some thought. I really don't like this guy . I don't think going out on a couple of dates is going to do it either.

There has to be some type of attraction there..whether it's in the chemistry, personality, the way he walks, his eyes, or something. And there is NOTHING there for me. He's just the nicest guy I've ever met. He gives me compliments me to the point of embarrassment. I mean he says the sweetest things. I hope that when I do finally meet the "one" he's as kind.

 

[rrolle234]

My friends don't believe when I say this, but I have NO type. I am attracted to all ages, races, heights, etc. I tend to feel a guy's personality very strongly and tend to like guys based on that. It's totally random. I would give a guy a chance if I was attracted to his personality rather than his looks right away because I do think that people can grow on you, especially after you get to know them. For example, remember that dude in Hitch who Will Smith was trying to help? I told my sister I would talk to a guy like that even though he isn't my physical type, but he was so sweet and cared about Allegra so much. That's what I need.

This is sooo me . My friends think I'm crazy LOL, even though I still get chills when I see a Morris Chesntut look-a-like walking around, I'm total attracted personality.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think you should only focus on the men that are interested in you. Why chase someone who doesn't even like you?

 

[dlewis]

Yes, I married a man that was not my type, so far, it's the best thing that could have happened. He loves and adores me and treats me very well.

 

[sereia]

Yes. But as the other ladies stated there must be some kind of personal attraction. I.e. he must have a strong sense of self, this is a thrilling challenge for me
I have dated very good-looking guys before and they were often not too commited. It was also annoying that girls frequently tried to hit on them.
My guy now is more than one inch smaller than me, skinny and average looking but to me he is sooo special that I would not change him for nothing! Plus he treats me like a queen!
From the start I just liked him but the romantic feeling grew... which never happened to me this way before.

Sometimes it happened to me that I was not too attracted by the appearances of a guy but it was VERY different when we kissed! So I advise anybody to try and kiss him after a few dates. If you don´t feel anything, kick him in the curb! LOL

 

[kisz4tj]

Usually when a guy doesn't seem like my "type", I'll continue to hold conversation just to "see" if there is ANYTHING...I'm dating 2 men right now that would not have been my "type" from the gate, BUT they both have my attention right now and its nice.

 

[Amour]

I agree whole heartedly with these to posters (except the part about the conflict and aggression, i'm weird and need a relationship of passion even aggressive passion )

Anywho, my current bf who i adore soooo much was someone who i wouldn't usually go out with. But i was JUST like the thread starter and was also attracted to the guys more my type, but it didn't seem to ever work. I would constantly tell my sister that i would start dating the guys that seemed to like me who seemed to be better on most levels i.e. everything that i needed in a man. When my now bf told me how he felt about me i didn't feel I could get with him because i thought there was no physical attraction, however over time as out relationship strengthen on a emotional level the physical attraction came after. and now i wouldn't change my bf for the world... i love him soo much more so than anyother bf.
From my perspective i would definately say, get to know the person first, give them a chance. I'm glad i did course now i've found someone that treats me good and loves me just as much as i love him

Damn girl....., I totally agree with you on this one. This is exactly what happened to me and I am glad i didn't follow my initial feeling. It's now 7 years that we are together and I couldn't possibly see myself with anyone else. He is now my world.

On the other hand though Kia, if you really are not physically attracted to this guy and you have to constantly force yourself to like him, it's not going to work because even though you may stay with him for a while out of fear, you will silently begin to dislike him and everything he does will get on your nerve. You will be miserable and constantly dwell on his imperfections. My girlfriend is dating someone half her age and everyday she forces herself to like him because he is nice to her but it has been going on for 2 years now and she is more miserable and confused now more than ever. She is constantly whining and when I ask her why she don't just leave him and move on, she will sigh and say that she can't because she is afraid to be alone. Yet she stays in it and wants us to go clubs with her to find "the right guy".

Bottom line is, like someone said before, for the guy to grow on you he must have at least 4 things that compensate for his short comings. He must either be charming, funny, have beautiful eyes - whatever - but there must be something that melts your heart in a way that makes you want to be with him and be happy in your relationship.

edit to say: Good thread i'm going to give it 5*'s