Can a Grown Man be MADE a Better Lover?

[Amberlina]

Ladies,
I have a serious dilemma. My So and I have been together for 5 years, and we are going to jump the broom veeerryyy soon. Out of the five years, we have been off and on - more on than off. We have a son together, are buying a home soon, etc. Anywho, I have cheated on him and I believe he has cheated on me (this was 4 years ago, and we are both over it) and the reason why I cheated is because I am not that sexually attracted to him. I love him so much and I would never want to be anyone else's wife....BUT, he is just a so-so lover.

Sometimes it can be really good, but those times are few and far in-between. I barely have sex with him now, and he thinks things will only get worse when we get married. I just don't have the heart to tell him that I am not fully satisfied. I know I will never cheat again, I was just young and fast, and not ready to commit at the time - and I love and respect him too much. But, I'm gone need him to start reading books, or watching instructional videos or something!!!!!

I kind of guide him and let him know what I like, but he is very "quick", kind of awkward, and.....I don't know how to explain it!!!! So, someone pleeeease just tell me you have been in a similar situation and you worked it out!!!!!!

*I hope I am not going to get in trouble for this topic, if so, I will delete this immediately*

 

[gymfreak336]

I think that any partner that wants to become a better lover can become a better one. It take time, patience and communication.

 

[ThickHair]

I say don't get married hoping for a change, whatever it may be, sex, hygeine and so forth. You can't do that, it is not fair.

 

[Guapa1]

^ I agree with the above. You guys need to have a long talk if you're going to make this marriage work. Any man can be made a better lover, if HE wants to. You need to find out, before putting that ring on your finger if he's willing because if he isn't...

Good luck in your decision

 

[Leslie_C]

Are you lacking sexual chemistry? If it is chemistry you are lacking, I would say that cant be changed...but I cant really figure out whether you are saying you arent attracted to him sexually, or whether you are just turned off because you are less than satisfied by his performance in bed.

"Relations" with my fiance went from OK to wonderful because he was eager to please and picked up on nonverbal cues very easily...but the chemistry and attraction was always there, it was just a matter of him finding out what I liked.

If he is quick have u tried asking him to slow down so he can last longer?

 

[gymfreak336]

Are you lacking sexual chemistry? If it is chemistry you are lacking, I would say that cant be changed...but I cant really figure out whether you are saying you arent attracted to him sexually, or whether you are just turned off because you are less than satisfied by his performance in bed.
"Relations" with my fiance went from OK to wonderful because he was eager to please and picked up on nonverbal cues very easily...but the chemistry and attraction was always there, it was just a matter of him finding out what I liked.

If he is quick have u tried asking him to slow down so he can last longer?

You got me thinking about my situation You might be getting a pm later.

 

[reallynow]

Are you lacking sexual chemistry? If it is chemistry you are lacking, I would say that cant be changed...but I cant really figure out whether you are saying you arent attracted to him sexually, or whether you are just turned off because you are less than satisfied by his performance in bed.

"Relations" with my fiance went from OK to wonderful because he was eager to please and picked up on nonverbal cues very easily...but the chemistry and attraction was always there, it was just a matter of him finding out what I liked.

If he is quick have u tried asking him to slow down so he can last longer?

Very good point about the chemistry!! That can not be fixed, but if the chemistry is already there, then a man can learn if he is willing.

DH and I had hella chemistry we just needed to learn each other, it happened quickly because we are both sexual people and we were concerned with each others satisfaction.

Good luck!

 

[Laginappe]

Don't marry someone you can't be honest with. You're supposed to be able to talk to him about everything. Its a simple matter of telling him what you like in bed. If he loves you, he'll love knowing how to please you than dealing with the current situation of you rejecting him and him not knowing why.

 

[SugarBaby]

Very good point about the chemistry!! That can not be fixed, but if the chemistry is already there, then a man can learn if he is willing.

DH and I had hella chemistry we just needed to learn each other, it happened quickly because we are both sexual people and we were concerned with each others satisfaction.

Good luck!

Yep. I would believe that he would know that you are not satisfied and would be VERY CONCERNED on the correcting it.

As others have stated if chemistry and attraction are there, then the rest can be fixed IF he is motivated to WANT to make the correction.

Sex is huge, Don't get married unless you are satisfied. Hate to be blunt. Its the truth. You maybe able to put up w/ a charade for 1-5 years...after 10, 15, it has to be good. You will need it when you get to that time frame.

 

[drasgrl]

I barely have sex with him now, and he thinks things will only get worse when we get married. I just don't have the heart to tell him that I am not fully satisfied.

This is what stood out for me. So are you ok with just living as roommates because that's what it sounds like to me. If you're barely having sex now why do you think things will change when you get married?

With that said yes I believe things can change but you have to tell him and be honest about how you feel. I don't think he will like being told that you're not sexually attracted to him. How would you feel if he said the same to you? If you are going to marry him and feel he is the only one for you then you better get sexually attracted to him and try to work it out or else don't get married and find someone who you can be attracted to.

 

[MissMasala5]

ITA w/the chemistry thing. And willingness to learn thing. If he's worth having over the long haul, and based upon your post it seems he is, then you have got to step up the communication skills in that department. Allow him the chance to 'discover' you all over again. Role play. Invest in a few toys. Watch sensual films together (a couple worth seeing are "Henry & June" and "The Lover"). To answer the question to the title of this thread: YES.

 

[MeccaMedinah]

Yes, he can

 

[FlowerHair]

I am going to come with another perspective and say that it's equally up to you and your husband in spe. It's actually not just about him...
It's your responsibility to teach him what you like and how you want things to be done.

Obviously he wants to have good sex with you, so he's not a selfish lover in that way (judging from what you wrote).

But a woman needs to take charge in the bedroom and teach her lover everything he needs to know. It doesn't have to be said in words, but rather show him and when he does it right make sure that he understands ("yes, yes, YES!!!" )

If you're going to be married for a lifetime, you need to work on this IMO. Sweeping it under the carpet is just going to make it worse.

Good luck! And it's supposed to be fun exploring eachothers' bodies
Do you know exactly what gives him the most satisfaction?

 

[tocktick]

I say don't get married hoping for a change, whatever it may be, sex, hygeine and so forth. You can't do that, it is not fair.

i agree. i think you have important underlying issues to resolve, imo. i can understand you guys being over the cheating but the sex one is still a major issue. it could cause resentment or frustration later on. i sense it's already causing the latter and this issue has been present for the duration of your relationship, it appears. like someone said he can become better if he wants to be. with some men, their ego can't take it and that gets in the way of allowing them to improve. if your partner is open to learn more then communication is key. you need to be able to talk to him about this, especially as this is your future dh after all.

 

[Apple-Cakez]

I read a book by Zane that was VERY similar to your dilemma (*Somewhat*) entitled, "Addicted" (If you haven't read it, I suggest you do so! :: ) Anyway, she ended up cheating because her husband couldn't really satisfy her the way she needed him to. (*He'd get squeemish about being "very intimate" with her.*) However, I don't think a man can be MADE into a better lover unless someone matures him in that area. Some men lack experience, some men aren't fully attentive...there's a myriad of reasons why. And it takes patience, commitment and understanding.

I believe you should both try to talk it out with each other, or with a couples therapist before getting married. It could surface a lot of underlying issues as to why you may not be sexually attracted to him and what caused BOTH of you to cheat. (*This past issue should be addressed because it could be a red flag connection to the issue you're having*)

If that doesn't work for you, (*Or he's not down with it*) then maybe you should really reconsider getting married right now. If you DO decide to go ahead with it, maybe YOU could show him how you'd like to be pleasured.

If all else fails, how are both of you going to really be ready to settle down if someone in the relationship isn't sexually attracted to the other? That's a BIG part in the marriage (*consummation purposes*) and I think that since y'all have stepped out on each other before and this problem STILL exists, it threatens redundancy in the marriage at some point.

Good Luck, and Best Wishes!erplexed

 

[Amberlina]

Hey Ladies,

Thank you all for your honest responses. I read them all, and I guess I should make a couple of things clear.

I shouldn't have said I am not sexually attracted to my SO. What I meant was that as much as he just wants to jump in the bed all day every day, I just can't!!! He turns me on, but not to the point where I just want to be humpin' all d*mn day. Then, when we do have sex, it's not all bells and whistles (for me anyway) and I get pissed because he did all that beggin' for ten minutes of pumpin'!

I love him, I am going to marry him, but ya'll are right. I need to be more open with him in such a way that does not make him feel less of a man. And I should not have put all this off on him. Some of our sexual issues have to do with me as well. My weight gain has me feeling depressed, so that's why I barely want to do it. I know he loves me for me, but if I don't feel sexy, it's hard for me to be sexual.

We have decided to go to counseling before we get married, and hopefully it helps. Right now we are living with his parents, we are about to buy a house, trying to plan the wedding, and he is working third shift. We are both beyond stressed out.

But, thank you ladies who took the time to respond. I didn't mean to be confusing...but I just want a healthier sex life!!! Don't we all?