Breaking the addiction from the man who takes you for granted

[sky_blu]

Yesterday I had lunch with a Director from my job. Background: He is very attractive, very intelligent, and very charming. Although he is married, he used to cheat on his wife on the regular with random women.

I began lamenting about my current situation and how I always seem to go back and forth with the man mentioned in the OP.

He asked me about the things I like and dislike about him, so I spill the beans. He says, "So let me reiterate what you said to me. You like that he is attractive, successful, and you have fun when you're hanging out. What you don't like about him is that he's rarely affectionate, sleeps with other women, doesn't call you often, and doesn't include you in his weekend plans."

At this point I'm feeling like Boo-Boo the Fool! The Cons clearly outweighed the pros, and the pros were miniscule and could be found in many other people.

He tells me that most single men have women on the side based on certain physical characteristics. They have Girl1 for the big boobs...Girl2 for the nice butt...Girl3 who likes to go downtown...Girl4 has nice long legs. Depending on what they desire that specific day, that's who they'll contact. If that first choice is not available, they'll go down the list. At that point, I was sitting at the table with my mouth wide open. Call me naive.

I began to tell him how I've broken it off and then go right back to him.I said, "Sometimes I feel like I've already re-lapsed, so what's the point of breaking it off again? It's too late. I never thought I'd be this weak and allow someone to treat me this way."

He said, "If you fall in the mud, does that mean you have to stay in the mud? No! My mom always told me that there's a diffence between committing a sin and living in sin. Pick yourself up, forgive yourself and then continue to move on"

He also said, "It's funny how we can't change other people. Yet, he's changing you. He's changing you, but you're not changing him."

I sat on that comment for a while and I felt like I had a moment of clarity.


I wanted to believe that I was special to this man, but I was only fooling myself...and I didn't need to waste anymore time trying to prove that I was worthy.

I left the lunch feeling sad for all that I'd been through...and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

But I'm allowed to a start new beginning, and it began when I got up from that lunch table.

That was a good prospective he gave you. Sometimes guys can give you great advice.

 

[Country gal]

Misskris- sounds like he gave u good info.

 

[Mai Tai]

Yesterday I had lunch with a Director from my job. Background: He is very attractive, very intelligent, and very charming. Although he is married, he used to cheat on his wife on the regular with random women.

I began lamenting about my current situation and how I always seem to go back and forth with the man mentioned in the OP.

He asked me about the things I like and dislike about him, so I spill the beans. He says, "So let me reiterate what you said to me. You like that he is attractive, successful, and you have fun when you're hanging out. What you don't like about him is that he's rarely affectionate, sleeps with other women, doesn't call you often, and doesn't include you in his weekend plans."

At this point I'm feeling like Boo-Boo the Fool! The Cons clearly outweighed the pros, and the pros were miniscule and could be found in many other people.

He tells me that most single men have women on the side based on certain physical characteristics. They have Girl1 for the big boobs...Girl2 for the nice butt...Girl3 who likes to go downtown...Girl4 has nice long legs. Depending on what they desire that specific day, that's who they'll contact. If that first choice is not available, they'll go down the list. At that point, I was sitting at the table with my mouth wide open. Call me naive.

I began to tell him how I've broken it off and then go right back to him.I said, "Sometimes I feel like I've already re-lapsed, so what's the point of breaking it off again? It's too late. I never thought I'd be this weak and allow someone to treat me this way."

He said, "If you fall in the mud, does that mean you have to stay in the mud? No! My mom always told me that there's a diffence between committing a sin and living in sin. Pick yourself up, forgive yourself and then continue to move on"

He also said, "It's funny how we can't change other people. Yet, he's changing you. He's changing you, but you're not changing him."

I sat on that comment for a while and I felt like I had a moment of clarity.


I wanted to believe that I was special to this man, but I was only fooling myself...and I didn't need to waste anymore time trying to prove that I was worthy.

I left the lunch feeling sad for all that I'd been through...and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

But I'm allowed to a start new beginning, and it began when I got up from that lunch table.

Hold-Up! Back the ef UP! Are you telling us that this "object of your obsession" is married?!? or your Director that you were venting to is married. Please clarify this for me because now I am thoroughly confused as to why you are having a hard time breaking away from this fool. You are obviously smart, and beautiful or you wouldn't have sought advice, so the advice that I offer is based on the following...

If he is married...then that explains the emotional unavailability, and to him you are just a side piece that he is keeping around for obvious reasons. Disconnect your number, get a hobby, and move on.

If he is not married...then he is just not that into you. Never ever, EVER check for a man that ain't checking for you. You probably love him and all but sweetie you have got to love yourself, and your future more. Disconnect your number, get a hobby, and move on.

 

[misskris816]

I would also buy "He's just not that into" and "It's called a break up because it's broken". They arre both full of great advice, easy reads, and very funny.

I've read both of them. erplexed

 

[misskris816]

Hold-Up! Back the ef UP! Are you telling us that this "object of your obsession" is married?!? or your Director that you were venting to is married. Please clarify this for me because now I am thoroughly confused as to why you are having a hard time breaking away from this fool. You are obviously smart, and beautiful or you wouldn't have sought advice, so the advice that I offer is based on the following...

If he is married...then that explains the emotional unavailability, and to him you are just a side piece that he is keeping around for obvious reasons. Disconnect your number, get a hobby, and move on.

If he is not married...then he is just not that into you. Never ever, EVER check for a man that ain't checking for you. You probably love him and all but sweetie you have got to love yourself, and your future more. Disconnect your number, get a hobby, and move on.

No, I'm not seeing the Director.

 

[angenoir]

OP: This is a timely thread and thanks for sharing your situation - in seeking for help, you have helped many ladies here as the advice that has been given is great!

One of my mentors made me learn that people commnicate with their actions not with words. Do not only listen to what someone is saying... look at what they are doing, how they are treating you, the lies, the broken promises...

And if being with someone makes you feel negative or unhappy or gives you a lack of energy... then they cannot be right for you. Listen to your gut.

What the other ladies here have said is spot on! It may be difficult but please - Cut off contact completely. No calls, no text, no emails... nothing. You have nothing more to explain or say... I am sure you've already said it to him a million times. You deserve respect and you have to give it to yourself first.

All the best! You'll make it.

 

[Xerxes]

Yesterday I had lunch with a Director from my job. Background: He is very attractive, very intelligent, and very charming. Although he is married, he used to cheat on his wife on the regular with random women.

I began lamenting about my current situation and how I always seem to go back and forth with the man mentioned in the OP.

He asked me about the things I like and dislike about him, so I spill the beans. He says, "So let me reiterate what you said to me. You like that he is attractive, successful, and you have fun when you're hanging out. What you don't like about him is that he's rarely affectionate, sleeps with other women, doesn't call you often, and doesn't include you in his weekend plans."

At this point I'm feeling like Boo-Boo the Fool! The Cons clearly outweighed the pros, and the pros were miniscule and could be found in many other people.

He tells me that most single men have women on the side based on certain physical characteristics. They have Girl1 for the big boobs...Girl2 for the nice butt...Girl3 who likes to go downtown...Girl4 has nice long legs. Depending on what they desire that specific day, that's who they'll contact. If that first choice is not available, they'll go down the list. At that point, I was sitting at the table with my mouth wide open. Call me naive.

I began to tell him how I've broken it off and then go right back to him.I said, "Sometimes I feel like I've already re-lapsed, so what's the point of breaking it off again? It's too late. I never thought I'd be this weak and allow someone to treat me this way."

He said, "If you fall in the mud, does that mean you have to stay in the mud? No! My mom always told me that there's a diffence between committing a sin and living in sin. Pick yourself up, forgive yourself and then continue to move on"

He also said, "It's funny how we can't change other people. Yet, he's changing you. He's changing you, but you're not changing him."

I sat on that comment for a while and I felt like I had a moment of clarity.


I wanted to believe that I was special to this man, but I was only fooling myself...and I didn't need to waste anymore time trying to prove that I was worthy.

I left the lunch feeling sad for all that I'd been through...and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

But I'm allowed to a start new beginning, and it began when I got up from that lunch table.

Wow, it takes a man to tell you about one. I can see why your Director could get so much play from other women. I feel sorry for his wife, but at least he gave you some good advice. His words are enough to help a woman avoid obvious BS and heartbreak.

 

[nappystorm]

OP: This is a timely thread and thanks for sharing your situation - in seeking for help, you have helped many ladies here as the advice that has been given is great!

One of my mentors made me learn that people commnicate with their actions not with words. Do not only listen to what someone is saying... look at what they are doing, how they are treating you, the lies, the broken promises...

And if being with someone makes you feel negative or unhappy or gives you a lack of energy... then they cannot be right for you. Listen to your gut.

What the other ladies here have said is spot on! It may be difficult but please - Cut off contact completely. No calls, no text, no emails... nothing. You have nothing more to explain or say... I am sure you've already said it to him a million times. You deserve respect and you have to give it to yourself first.

All the best! You'll make it.

So true at the bolded. I've had several guy friends and relative "break up" with girls by simply stop calling

 

[envybeauty]

You need better friends. I mean sistergirls who have great married relationships. Relations with men who command respect. Men who make their women feel good and want to run back home to them.

I realized along time ago that:

1). I can't date a man or call him my own if my friends can't respect him. No friend respects her girl's fb.

2). I have to respect him too. If a man can bring me down to the level of being his fb or sidepiece, he is not respecting me. ...and neither are his friends or family.

3). I respect myself by accepting a loving relationship or nothing from some men. The men who I started dating b4 becoming friends first. If we weren't friends b4 the relationship, we will not be any kind of friend after, fb or otherwise. I cut them off

4). If they can get great guys, so can I.

Basically when the people around you have better standards it will be harder for you to fall way below that standard.

 

[Mai Tai]

No, I'm not seeing the Director.

I know I was asking if your on/off boyfriend was married or is the director married. See i'm obviously confused....

Oh yeah, another thing, Is this the same man that you wrote about in your "When he doesn't call..." thread.

 

[jrae]

I know I was asking if your on/off boyfriend was married or is the director married. See i'm obviously confused....

Oh yeah, another thing, Is this the same man that you wrote about in your "When he doesn't call..." thread.

The way I understand it, the director is married (and cheating) but her boyfriend is not married.

 

[FluffyRed]

How was his actions different than his words?

He has been seeing someone else. Which is understandable, as he met her when we were not in close contact, but I don't share.

Call me a *****, but if I'm in the picture, she needs to be out of the picture.

I don't give a dayum who he is.

A man that respected me and valued me the way he should would not even ask me to share, or put me in that position. I was making him a priority based on our past and he had me as an "option."

He was divorced 2 years ago, and feels he needs to take his time, which I agree with, but I ain't the one. Giving me the "friendship" line, yet steady trying to go south of the border - he was literally demanding that i let him kiss the pink taco!!! Got bass in his voice and everything! Demanding to know details of who I've been dating... He actually was holding me down for a second and then he stopped.

He really thought he was going to finally get some after all this time, and I think that's all he wanted.

I expect better treatment than that. I'm done.

 

[smwrigh3]

Checkout this article
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relinquishing-your-addiction-to-someone/

I think that article hurt my feelings. But it was exactly wat I need 2 hear (read)...

 

[GoingNatural]

You are going to be hurt any way. Your choice is to hurt long term--in the "relationship" and after it finally ends...or to hurt now--for a few weeks, months etc.

I'd rather get hurt now and end it rather than try to make a relationship with a guy work that doesnt seem invested in me 100% and makes me question myself and impacts my self esteem

Just hurt now and get it over with

 

[Mija]

I think that article hurt my feelings. But it was exactly wat I need 2 hear (read)...

Awww I'm sorry but glad you learned from it. I always recommend this site to anyone searching for understanding- they have a ton of great articles & have helped me too!

 

[misskris816]

I know I was asking if your on/off boyfriend was married or is the director married. See i'm obviously confused....

Oh yeah, another thing, Is this the same man that you wrote about in your "When he doesn't call..." thread.

The on/off guy is not married and has never been married...which should have been a red flag since he's 46.

He wasn't the same guy referenced in the "When he doesn't call" thread, but what's funny is that when the thread popped up again, I was confused on who it was about as well.

It just reminded me that I have a pattern I need to break ASAP.

 

[MizAvalon]

Checkout this article
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relinquishing-your-addiction-to-someone/

Grea blog. Thanks for posting.

 

[HollyGolightly1982]

I ended up telling him NOT to contact me anymore. I told him that he was no good for me and that I needed him to stay away from me.

 

[sky_blu]

I ended up telling him NOT to contact me anymore. I told him that he was no good for me and that I needed him to stay away from me.

Did it work?

 

[Mai Tai]

The on/off guy is not married and has never been married...which should have been a red flag since he's 46.

He wasn't the same guy referenced in the "When he doesn't call" thread, but what's funny is that when the thread popped up again, I was confused on who it was about as well.

It just reminded me that I have a pattern I need to break ASAP.

Ok, I see now. Thanks for clarifying that for me. Well I am glad that you are starting to learn from your past. Some people never learn, and never move on because moving on is hard. Sticking to routine is always easy. Don't take the east way out. The road less traveled is always the most rewarding one. One of my favorite quotes is..."If you keep on doing what you doing, you're going to keep on getting what you get. Period."

You're on the right track...just be strong, pray(a lot) and move on...

 

[HollyGolightly1982]

Did it work?

Yes, thank goodness. I didn't see him again for three years. I ran into him at a party and I couldn't believe that I had wasted so much time and effort on such a loser.

 

[hopeful]

Yes, thank goodness. I didn't see him again for three years. I ran into him at a party and I couldn't believe that I had wasted so much time and effort on such a loser.

I had a similiar experience. When I was in high school, I was crazy about this guy, we dated a few months, and then he just stopped calling and asking me out, I was heart-broken because I thought he really liked me . Anyway, I saw him about five years later after I'd finished college and could not believe I was so crazy about him, he was so not the business.

 

[chicacanella]

Have you ever had an on-going off again/on again "relationship" with a man who never made you a priority and took you for granted? (I use the term relationship very loosely.)

I keep going right back to the one person I need to walk away from. I've wasted a year of my life on someone who doesn't truly appreciate all that I have to offer. Yet, even when I walk away, it's only a matter of time before I'm right back where I started.

Please share your stories. What made you move on for good?

Well, I was dealing with someone who was not good for me but God smacked the situation out of my life.BUT the feelings were still there so I prayed and had others pray for me and now I don't feel nothin' for him.

We're FWB too. Big mistake! I'm currently ignoring him, so we'll see how long I can go.

My biggest fear (like you said) is that one year will turn into many more. I need all the strength I can get to end this NOW...permanently.

For me, I tried with all my strength to not think about this man but you know how life goes sometimes. I got lonely and started thinking about him and making excuses to why I deserved the type of treatment he gave me and it really breaks you down mentally. You can't see it but everytime you accept mistreatment from this man, it is breaking down your self-esteem and your sense of worth cause' after a while you will start to think you deserve it. I imagine that if he is mistreating you by actions then he probably is using words also...if not, he will start.

I"m actually ignoring him too. I've gotten to a point where I want so much more and I know he either can't or doesn't want to give it to me. My advice is to occupy yourself with postive people and activities. And keep reminding yourself that you deserve more and the right man will come along when it's time. Keeping the FWB status will only keep you tied to him emotionally.

Tried this too and it didn't work. You can have all the activities in the world to keep you busy during the day but when you lay down in bed at night, your heart and mind is not at peace so when she is lonely or desiring affection, someone to hold, talk to, spend time with her mind and heart is going to go back to him because that is where her heart was for most of the year. It only knows to go back to where it left off even if it was a bad situation. As I said, the ONLY thing that truly set me free was God's spirit. It wasn't my strength or power but His spirit took the affections away immediately so much that I am amazed.

you also probably want to say a souls tie prayer. you can find it in the Christianity forum.

 

[chicacanella]

Yesterday I had lunch with a Director from my job. Background: He is very attractive, very intelligent, and very charming. Although he is married, he used to cheat on his wife on the regular with random women.

I began lamenting about my current situation and how I always seem to go back and forth with the man mentioned in the OP.

He asked me about the things I like and dislike about him, so I spill the beans. He says, "So let me reiterate what you said to me. You like that he is attractive, successful, and you have fun when you're hanging out. What you don't like about him is that he's rarely affectionate, sleeps with other women, doesn't call you often, and doesn't include you in his weekend plans."

At this point I'm feeling like Boo-Boo the Fool! The Cons clearly outweighed the pros, and the pros were miniscule and could be found in many other people.

He tells me that most single men have women on the side based on certain physical characteristics. They have Girl1 for the big boobs...Girl2 for the nice butt...Girl3 who likes to go downtown...Girl4 has nice long legs. Depending on what they desire that specific day, that's who they'll contact. If that first choice is not available, they'll go down the list. At that point, I was sitting at the table with my mouth wide open. Call me naive.

I began to tell him how I've broken it off and then go right back to him.I said, "Sometimes I feel like I've already re-lapsed, so what's the point of breaking it off again? It's too late. I never thought I'd be this weak and allow someone to treat me this way."

He said, "If you fall in the mud, does that mean you have to stay in the mud? No! My mom always told me that there's a diffence between committing a sin and living in sin. Pick yourself up, forgive yourself and then continue to move on"

He also said, "It's funny how we can't change other people. Yet, he's changing you. He's changing you, but you're not changing him."

I sat on that comment for a while and I felt like I had a moment of clarity.


I wanted to believe that I was special to this man, but I was only fooling myself...and I didn't need to waste anymore time trying to prove that I was worthy.

I left the lunch feeling sad for all that I'd been through...and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

But I'm allowed to a start new beginning, and it begins today.

Girl, I've been there and I'm sure plenty of women posting have too. But the good thing is that you can pick yourself up, clean yourself off and go on with your life. Like I said, it won't happen over night but if you pray and ask God to take the affections away, it will get easier. You might even cry some nights because you might want to go back and it'll make you feel worse cause' now you see clearly. It will hurt your heart so much but still, stay focused and when it gets like that, just pray or read some scriptures like, "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me."

 

[misskris816]

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I do think about him, but there's not much emotion attached to it. I've been listening to my Louise Hay affirmations CD while at work, and I believe that's helped me.

Also, someone mentioned that I either hurt now or I hurt later. I'm choosing to hurt now...there's no point in postponing the inevitable any longer.

Yesterday I was incredibly lonely and almost had the urge to call him. I've learned from the past when I used to call him for that temporary fix only to feel like I'd let myself down in the long run. It was never worth it. Sometimes women are afflicted with this obsessive desire to talk things to death. Sometimes there's just nothing more to say.

"But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. "

 

[sky_blu]

Yes, thank goodness. I didn't see him again for three years. I ran into him at a party and I couldn't believe that I had wasted so much time and effort on such a loser.

Yeah I've had this same experience but with this guy it just doesn't work like this. So I feel the OP's pain 2 years and counting.

 

[Mai Tai]

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I do think about him, but there's not much emotion attached to it. I've been listening to my Louise Hay affirmations CD while at work, and I believe that's helped me.

Also, someone mentioned that I either hurt now or I hurt later. I'm choosing to hurt now...there's no point in postponing the inevitable any longer.

Yesterday I was incredibly lonely and almost had the urge to call him. I've learned from the past when I used to call him for that temporary fix only to feel like I'd let myself down in the long run. It was never worth it. Sometimes women are afflicted with this obsessive desire to talk things to death. Sometimes there's just nothing more to say.

"But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. "

I am so happy that you have chosen to just bite the bullet, and get it over with. Good for you!

 

[MD_Lady]

You have to go cold turkey...That means no texts, no calls, if his dog dies..he needs to tell someone else...DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM.

Say it again!!! I've seen too many ladies who were on the straight an narrow until they picked up that phone. Caller ID and voice mail are your best friends and allies when you're trying to cut someone loose.

 

[angenoir]

Say it again!!! I've seen too many ladies who were on the straight an narrow until they picked up that phone. Caller ID and voice mail are your best friends and allies when you're trying to cut someone loose.

This is really true. I have been through something similar and the no contact rule works like a charm. After some time you heal and grow stronger and whatever 'addiction' was there goes away. Use the time to focus on you and on developing yourself and healing your heart so that next time you do not get into destructive relationships. Many times we have a pattern to our behaviour. I know I did... And I am working on it and I think I am much better off now.

Good luck... and listen to the ladies... NO CONTACT!!

 

[ThePerfectScore]

He also said, "It's funny how we can't change other people. Yet, he's changing you. He's changing you, but you're not changing him."

I sat on that comment for a while and I felt like I had a moment of clarity.


I wanted to believe that I was special to this man, but I was only fooling myself...and I didn't need to waste anymore time trying to prove that I was worthy.

I left the lunch feeling sad for all that I'd been through...and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

But I'm allowed to a start new beginning, and it begins today.

THIS!!! so well written. Almost sounds like a closing of a book.