Boyfriend Wants You To Lose Weight

I would lose the weight then dump him. Or not lose the weight and dump him. Either way I'd move on. He seems to be making it clear that if she doesn't lose the weight he will cheat or leave her. I just think it is hurtful to make her feel she was enough at the beginning and then turn the tables. And if losing weight was so simple and easy everyone would be tiny. Also, if she loses the weight he will then want her to change something else. He sounds controlling IMO.
 
The request is acceptable in certain circumstances;
  • she's gained more/he's lost weight
  • its affecting her health or activities
  • His circumstances have changed (applies to a DH rather than a bf)-usually due to profession (and yes this is acceptable because she reflects him and regardless of how folks wanna pretend looks/package don't matter...they do.) I recently told a family member she had to lose weight because she was getting a top level promotion (she agreed). Presentation breeds trust and respect.
  • His taste has changed (cuz no one has to stay the same forever) and he doesn't want to leave her but he's struggling in his attraction.
His request is not going to hurt anything but her feelings so she should consider it
 
He shouldn't be nagging. Even if it is from a place of love she should get rid of him.

He got with her when she was big and unless she's said that she's trying to lose weight then he should keep his mouth shut.

Imo the only people that have the right to mention my weight are my very close relatives because they knew me was I was doing better weight wise and it's from a place of love. Not everyone is like that. A lot of people have malicious intent.
 
I guess my opinion is in the minority. If she is overweight then she should focus on losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. If he is calling her names and degrading her then that's a whole different topic that would fall under emotional abuse. But ladies need to get real. If dude is expressing his feelings in a respectful, constructive way then he should be heard. Maybe he is beginning to lose his attraction for her because of some weight gain. He has no control over his desires. I believe if it's an area that needs improvement (no matter what it is) and someone brings it to your attention, I don't see what the problem is. I live in truth.
I've always been a naturally slender person and so I got comfortable. Until one day talking to a male co-worker he expressed that my arms could use toning. My response.... I got a gym membership (first time) and started working out, toning everything. I am forever grateful for his brute honesty.
 
GetHappy2014 said:
I guess my opinion is in the minority. If she is overweight then she should focus on losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. If he is calling her names and degrading her then that's a whole different topic that would fall under emotional abuse. But ladies need to get real. If dude is expressing his feelings in a respectful, constructive way then he should be heard. Maybe he is beginning to lose his attraction for her because of some weight gain. He has no control over his desires. I believe if it's an area that needs improvement (no matter what it is) and someone brings it to your attention, I don't see what the problem is. I live in truth.
I've always been a naturally slender person and so I got comfortable. Until one day talking to a male co-worker he expressed that my arms could use toning. My response.... I got a gym membership (first time) and started working out, toning everything. I am forever grateful for his brute honesty.
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It didn't say she gained weight. She was big when he got with her. If he had an issue, he should have left her alone.
 
ladysaraii said:
It didn't say she gained weight. She was big when he got with her. If he had an issue, he should have left her alone.
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My response addressed whether she was already overweight and whether she had gained weight. Bottom line is... She's possibly overweight. If she was already overweight when they met and she has maintained her weight and he suggests she loses weight, could mean..."You are an awesome person but I am concerned about your weight and overall well being...you need to lose weight." At this age, most guys I date are "overweight" (not fat) and I always suggest that they become healthier.. Eat better & exercise.
 
hopeful said:
I would lose the weight then dump him. Or not lose the weight and dump him. Either way I'd move on. He seems to be making it clear that if she doesn't lose the weight he will cheat or leave her. I just think it is hurtful to make her feel she was enough at the beginning and then turn the tables. And if losing weight was so simple and easy everyone would be tiny. Also, if she loses the weight he will then want her to change something else. He sounds controlling IMO.
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He gets with her, then starts tell her she needs to make changes? Yeah he is very controlling, and like you said, it will be something else..
 
I have so many questions. What is he doing to help her lose weight? Has he offer to join a gym and workout with her? Do they go for walks at a city park? Is he assisting her with meal planning/preparation?

I asked those questions because I'd like to know what is he doing or has done to assist her with this weight loss. I don't know the race of the folks involved but a brotha always want you to work with him and his shortcomings but can't help a sister with hers?

Additional weight is taxing on the body and causes a whole host of health problems. So I agree with him on the weight loss but for some reason I dont really believe that's why he's telling her she needs to lose weight now.

Her weight was fine in the beginning because she's probably all he could pull at the time. Now that he's in a better spot, he wants the woman on his arm to be a reflection of that better. Or he has someone new (thinner) and is trying to assuage himself of any guilt by using her weight as the reason that he will eventually leave her for this new person.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
I agree with @CoilyFields . We don't know enough information about the man's intentions and the relationship. Criticism doesn't always come from a malicious place. Just because criticism comes from a close loved one doesn't necessarily mean it's abusive.
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But you don't start dating a person with what you deem as a problem, then start requesting change. Why would he date her in the first place, if he has an issue with her size? He is playing head games. He is gonna mess with her self esteem. Unless they have been together for a long period of time and her weight changed, then I could see his issue being valid.
 
shortdub78 said:
But you don't start dating a person with what you deem as a problem, then start requesting change. Why would he date her in the first place, if he has an issue with her size? He is playing head games. He is gonna mess with her self esteem. Unless they have been together for a long period of time and her weight changed, then I could see his issue being valid.
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It's quite possible that he is manipulating her but we don't have enough information to come to a conclusion. We don't know how long they have been together. She could have been fat from the start and gained more weight. She could have developed a weight related health problem while they have been together. We just don't know. Regardless of why he has changed she should probably break up with him especially if she's not willing to lose. I wouldn't want anyone who was unsatisfied with me.
 
Here's a new perspective...

I'm very active in the gym, and I lost count of the number of men who have approached me about their wives/significant others. They typically start out with a compliment (my focus, consistency and strength) then proceed to ask what they may do to help their women take care of themselves in a similar way. The first couple of times I was asked, I didn't think much of it. After more men started approaching me, I really started thinking more about these women and what their men want. I also wonder about the conversations they may have had with their women about it. One thing I found interesting in these very short conversations was that these men were men who seemed very interested in getting a woman's perspective on motivation.

OP, this type of issue or request seems to be common in my experience meaning it doesn't surprise me.

Now for my opinion...

Body image is personal so if she decides to embark on a weight loss journey as a result of her man's feedback, she should ensure she's doing the work for herself and not him. Feedback is one thing, but motivation and consistency to follow through will be much more healthy mentally/emotionally if she's ultimately working out/eating right for herself.

I don't think her man is controlling/couldn't pull better or anything like that - simply based on this request alone (not enough info about their relationship). Sometimes we love people for who they are yet can also see how a healthier lifestyle can positively impact the person and relationship. He may be delivering her a gift in terms of her realizing a healthier lifestyle (and the physical benefits that come with it) - if she chooses to see it that way.
 
hopeful said:
I would lose the weight then dump him. Or not lose the weight and dump him. Either way I'd move on. He seems to be making it clear that if she doesn't lose the weight he will cheat or leave her. I just think it is hurtful to make her feel she was enough at the beginning and then turn the tables. And if losing weight was so simple and easy everyone would be tiny. Also, if she loses the weight he will then want her to change something else. He sounds controlling IMO.
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I experienced this and it destroyed my self esteem at the time. Instead of crying (he was my first love ), I wish I kicked him square in the nuts.
 
GetHappy2014 said:
I guess my opinion is in the minority. If she is overweight then she should focus on losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. If he is calling her names and degrading her then that's a whole different topic that would fall under emotional abuse. But ladies need to get real. If dude is expressing his feelings in a respectful, constructive way then he should be heard. Maybe he is beginning to lose his attraction for her because of some weight gain. He has no control over his desires. I believe if it's an area that needs improvement (no matter what it is) and someone brings it to your attention, I don't see what the problem is. I live in truth.
I've always been a naturally slender person and so I got comfortable. Until one day talking to a male co-worker he expressed that my arms could use toning. My response.... I got a gym membership (first time) and started working out, toning everything. I am forever grateful for his brute honesty.
Click to expand...

That's a lie. If she's been overweight since they met then he's being an arsehole. He's being controlling because she's the same since he first approached her. His attraction was fine then! Saying men don't have control over themselves is dangerous and irresponsible. Men aren't children or mentally delayed so we as women need to stop making excuses for their arseholery.
 
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Daernyris said:
What is he doing to help her lose weight? Has he offer to join a gym and workout with her? Do they go for walks at a city park? Is he assisting her with meal planning/preparation?
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All I know is he offered to work out with her but she refuses to exercise. He keeps himself in shape. I'm guessing what's going on is either she gained even more weight or he wants to move up the career ladder and wants a wife/girlfriend who looks the part.
 
See if he's willing to workout with her and be a genuine support system then I don't see the problem. Your partner should be helping you be a better version of yourself (constructively), not sitting back letting you fall apart.

I'll be damned if my man is nice, healthy and muscular while I'm out here not trying to improve myself.
 
FemmeFatale said:
See if he's willing to workout with her and be a genuine support system then I don't see the problem. Your partner should be helping you be a better version of yourself (constructively), not sitting back letting you fall apart.

I'll be damned if my man is nice, healthy and muscular while I'm out here not trying to improve myself.
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Then he should've selected a gf that was in to health & wellness from jump. His fault. I've always been into health & wellness, so I know I wouldn't consider an obese couch potato. It conflicts too much with my values. Part of a healthy relationship is about accepting you partner for who they are right now, not the fantasy version of them you painted in your head. He's still wrong IMO.
 
*~*Afrolicious*~* said:
Then he should've selected a gf that was in to health & wellness from jump. His fault. I've always been into health & wellness, so I know I wouldn't consider an obese couch potato. It conflicts too much with my values. Part of a healthy relationship is about accepting you partner for who they are right now, not the fantasy version of them you painted in your head. He's still wrong IMO.
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Well then he should break up with her and find a woman that is more aligned with his lifestyle.
 
Honestly, I'd consider it. I can only relate it to dating a guy once who was a horrible dresser. I liked him and it didn't stop me from dating him. Yet it was something I believed I had enough influence to change and I did. I wanted him to look better and maximize his handsomeness for both thoughtful and selfish reasons.
 
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