Being with someone you love but not in love with…

[Kinkyhairlady]

Lately I have posted a couple of topics because I am at the point now I want to settle down but I am confusing my self more. I posted about a young guy that was interested in me but we are not on the same page as far as getting married. Now he is telling me he does want to settle down but not next year. He seems so hurt now that I told him I can’t be with him because he is uncertain. He looks super depressed at church and everyone is blaming me even my own mother, saying maybe God sent him to me, she is crazy herself.

Anyways let me get to the point. I have a male friend who has been interested in me for 4 years. He has just done so much over the years to turn me off so I never gave him a chance. Well on Saturday we attended a party and there was a lot of flirting and after the party we talked and we kissed. This is so not something I wanted to do, it might have been the alcohol in my system I don’t know but now I am wondering what to do with him. He is 33 no kids, owns his own home, is handsome but he is super jealous which was the problem I always had with him. I just feel he is kind of insecure and I don’t like that. I know I am looking for a mate and he actually proposed to me last November even if we were never together but he seems to be having an obsession with me, he admitted he was obsessed but has since changed. We have the same objectives in life but I am wondering should I be with him even if I don’t love him, maybe I will fall in love with him if I give him a chance. Most people I dated I loved and that is why I agreed to be with them. It’s just something about him that makes me not love him in a romantic way. Everyone is saying at my age 29 it will be hard to find a good man, especially one with no kids and I should not let this good man go but in my heart I feel he is not what I really want. My question is does love come before or after you start dating. For me it was always before but maybe there is hope for it to be after. I just don’t want to walk to the alter and regret marrying him because I was not 100% in love with him. By the way I told him I was not in love with him and he seemed fine with that. He just wants to settle down and although many women are after him, he seems to want me, probably cause I have been a challenge for him all these years who knows.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[cheetarah1980]

You don't have to be in love with a man to date him. Dating is simply spending time together to explore whether there is a romantic possiblity. I think you're putting the cart before the horse if you're jumping from dating to a lifelong commitment. One does not necessarily lead to the other. But you need the first in order to get to the second. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

You don't have to be in love with a man to date him. Dating is simply spending time together to explore whether there is a romantic possiblity. I think you're putting the cart before the horse if you're jumping from dating to a lifelong commitment. One does not necessarily lead to the other. But you need the first in order to get to the second. Hope that makes sense.

You are right but this guy has been talking to me for 4 years and has already expressed he wants to marry me. I am sure if I start dating him he will propose to me soon. I just don't know if I can do that. By the way he is Haitian and Haitian men majority of them do not understand the concept of dating, if we go out a couple of times and he likes you, then you are his girl, they will not accept for you to date other people at the same time. Usually I will talk to the guy on the phone for a couple of weeks and if i like him enough I will start dating him. This guy had his chance years ago and although we went out on a couple of dates I still did not feel the sparks. Now I am at an age i have to make up my mind and in life and he is offering me what I want but I am not sure if I will be committed.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Maybe you will, but is that a chance one in which you can make a commitment to yourself, him, and the Lord(if your christian) with. Just ask yourself this question: do you want to be married over wanting to be secure in the things you attach and commit yourself to? Can you be married half heartedly? Can you, him and a family subsequently created sustain itself and happy if you marry someone your not in love with. It's up to you. Do you think you will be happy with yourself if you say yes?

You pose good questions honestly I don't know the answer to any of them. I think he is a good man and can probably make me happy but I really don't feel the butterflies in my stomach when I see him and I want to feel that for someone I could potentially be with for the rest of my life.

 

[Nyssa28]

I couldn't see myself being with anyone who has admitted to being obsessed with me...That's crazy, not cute. That's a sign of things yet to come. Maybe you should take some time away from both guys and see where that gets you.

 

[cheetarah1980]

You are right but this guy has been talking to me for 4 years and has already expressed he wants to marry me. I am sure if I start dating him he will propose to me soon. I just don't know if I can do that. By the way he is Haitian and Haitian men majority of them do not understand the concept of dating, if we go out a couple of times and he likes you, then you are his girl, they will not accept for you to date other people at the same time. Usually I will talk to the guy on the phone for a couple of weeks and if i like him enough I will start dating him. This guy had his chance years ago and although we went out on a couple of dates I still did not feel the sparks. Now I am at an age i have to make up my mind and in life and he is offering me what I want but I am not sure if I will be committed.

If you know that dating means commitment to him and you're not feeling it like that, then turn him down. Don't let a fear of being alone put you in a relationship you don't want to be in. When it's the right guy you won't have all of these doubts and questions.

 

[Kiadodie]

If you know that dating means commitment to him and you're not feeling it like that, then turn him down. Don't let a fear of being alone put you in a relationship you don't want to be in. When it's the right guy you won't have all of these doubts and questions.

My guy hasn't come yet, but I believe in the bolded.

 

[tiara76]

If you know that dating means commitment to him and you're not feeling it like that, then turn him down. Don't let a fear of being alone put you in a relationship you don't want to be in. When it's the right guy you won't have all of these doubts and questions.

what she said

your intuition is talking to you loud and clear, follow your instincts...29 is not too late to find somebody and don't let fear of being alone or thinking this is as good as it gets even though u have alarms going off left and right, they are going off for a very good reason ..listen your heart

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

All of you are soo right, if it does not feel right then don't do it. The only issue with that is what if it never feels right with anyone. I know women who are 50 and never been married because no man was what they wanted. I guess that is the biggest fear I have. You know how some people say they ended up with someone they did not expect, someone who was not even their type but that person turned out to be the greatest mate ever.

I am not in love with him but at 29 my options are getting slimmer and slimmer. I am just going to hold off on him, and let him know I cannot be in a committed relationship now with him but we can date for a few months to see how we feel. I would like to keep my options open but if he does not agree to the dating part then I will let him know just to move on.

 

[Mai Tai]

Hey Ellis,

I have a few things to say that I hope you find helpful...

1. There are obvious red flags that you recognized with the Hatian man, and I think you should pay attention to your intuition. GOD gave it to us for a reason. If you already have reservations about him in your casual friendship, they will only get worse in a comitted relationship. It seems as if you want this man to be so right for you that you are trying to convince yourself to love him. Your love should flow freely, and any mindgames you have to play with yourself to make something out of nothing is unfair to you and to him.

2. Obsessiveness, and jealousy are not traits that are alleviated with time. Again, the more you commit yourself to this man, the tighter the reighn will become until he is completely controlling.

3. Life is too short, and long for you to have to spend the rest of it with someone who doesn't give your sparks. You will shortchange yourself in the long run, and you may also block a blessing from GOD.

4. Don't settle or compromise your values, just because someone is offering the promise to marry you. Do not fall in love with idea of being married so much that you are blind to the alarms and sirens that are going off about your potential mate. Your man is out there, and will be revealed to you in due time.

 

[cheetarah1980]

All of you are soo right, if it does not feel right then don't do it. The only issue with that is what if it never feels right with anyone. I know women who are 50 and never been married because no man was what they wanted. I guess that is the biggest fear I have. You know how some people say they ended up with someone they did not expect, someone who was not even their type but that person turned out to be the greatest mate ever.

I am not in love with him but at 29 my options are getting slimmer and slimmer. I am just going to hold off on him, and let him know I cannot be in a committed relationship now with him but we can date for a few months to see how we feel. I would like to keep my options open but if he does not agree to the dating part then I will let him know just to move on.

First of all, 29 is NOT old in the least bit. Dating options don't dry up at 30. I have several friends who are in their mid to early thirties who just recently got engaged. It seems as though you're putting an unnecessary deadline on when you can find love.

Secondly, when women say that the man they wound up with wasn't initially their type but now they see him as the greatest man on earth that doesn't mean that they settled for that man. They simply opened themselves up or wound up spending time with men they didn't expect to. At the end of the day they actually did fall in love with these men. On the day that they said "I do" I can guarantee you that the majority of these women do so without reservation. Being open to getting to know different types of men (even those you didn't initially think you'd like) to see if there's a possibility is a far cry from committing to a man you don't and won't love simply because you think it's as good as it gets.

 

[laCriolla]

Everyone is saying at my age 29 it will be hard to find a good man, especially one with no kids and I should not let this good man go but in my heart I feel he is not what I really want.

boooooo! gthoowtbs!

whoever "everyone" is, you need to get away from. find a new, supportive circle and stick with them.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I just spoke to him and explained how I could not say yes to him because I was uncertain about my feelings. He agreed and told me he does not want me to make a decision I will regret because I will leave him later and he does not want that. So I am just going to chill on these guys, if I can date I will but honestly I think if I meet Mr. Right I will definately feel it and there will be no doubts, or me posting on this forum for advice. Thanks everyone for your help.

 

[andreab]

If you know that dating means commitment to him and you're not feeling it like that, then turn him down. Don't let a fear of being alone put you in a relationship you don't want to be in. When it's the right guy you won't have all of these doubts and questions.

Follow your heart. This is the best advice I can give. I wish I had followed this advice when I started dating my ex. If you don't have those feelings you never will no matter how hard you try. One day he will do something or say something that you don't like which will remind you why you didn't want to be with him in the first place.

 

[Ms Red]

From your post, it seems like you are feeling the crunch that many of us feel when we know for a fact that we desire marriage and a deep commitment.

The red flags that you have had about the Haitian man are warnings that you two are not evenly yoked. It's intuition. This is JMHO but it seems that the longing to be married (and quickly!) have you second-guessing your opinion of this previous suitor. I'm sure you know deep down that he is obsessed with you and may view you as a prize. There is a reason 4 years have gone by without you consenting to marriage. Don't settle.

Regarding the young man from church, I totally understand that you want to settle down and aren't "dating for your health" (this is a phrase I use lol) but I would not discount him totally. You two may not be on the same page, but you may be well-matched and at least be on the same chapter I would pray about that potential relationship before discarding it all together. HTH.