Anyone ever been in a situation like this? I'm not talking about a situation where you knew up front he was married but still decided to kick it with him anyway. I'm talking about you met him, he either didn't tell you he was married or denied the fact that he was married, and later you found out otherwise. Basically, you didn't get to choose not to be with a married man, he made the decision for you by lying.
How did you find out?
I got suspicious
How long were you with him before you found out?
seriously, 6 months
Were there any "signs"?
Yes, and that is why I was supsicious. However I had had a tough time trusty men anyway, and questioned my instincts, opting to give him the benefit of the doubt. He basically took to long to A) stay a full night over with me; and B)take me to his place. He also spent too much time working, although in the end that is not related to him being married (that part was not a lie, I mean).
How did the relationship end?
I stopped messing with him.
Did you confront him about it or just walk away?
I confronted him, after I gathered my evidence, I was angry from the last ex and had decided no one was going to come into my life, fcuk with me, and walk away unscathed.
Did the wife find out about you?
Yup I called her and told her. To this day I am not sure if it was her i spoke with, though, more on that later.
If you confronted him, did he explain why he lied?
It took him a long time to admit to lying. He stuck by that damned lie with an iron grip for a while...then after some time he told me that basically he had to have me, and knew that I wouldn't have given him a chance if he had been upfront and told me he was separated (not divorced).
Anyone care to admit that they stayed in the relationship even after finding out? I won't stone you...(others may though, lol)
I wouldn't say I stayed in the relationship, but I still spoke with him. I was really upset about it and had become attached to him. But I found after distancing myself from him my head was able to clear and let me remember that there is no way he could ever be trusted again, so even if any of his stories would have been true, why bother?
ETA: Can you all please keep this related only to married men? Thanks!
I have been extraordinarily embarrassed about this for a long time, and haven't shared much to anyone about it, but I will now since you are asking.
I met the man in the gym, 4 or 5 months after breaking up with my long time ex. So I was vulnerable and maybe he picked that up? I don't know. He was the sweetest thing; he stared at me in the gym, he said good morning to me, and finally asked for my number and then we had our first date. He was older (35 at the time, I was 29); when he asked me if I was married I was careful to ask him if HE was married. Of course he said no.
It was hard from the beginning b/c he worked two jobs. He called me from them and also I went to them so I know that to be true. He told me about his past love life before we went to bed. He had been previously married for about 5 years. I was worried about the marriage b/c I don't think people should give up easily...I wondered about his commitment level. But my girls said, he doesn't have kids, he works (the last one barely did
) give the man a chance?
I was sure to ask him if he was actually divorced, and that was where the lying began. We were dating/talking 4 months before we slept together.
He told me after the divorce he moved out of their big house to live with his unlce and his wife, whom he couldn't stand. Since he was under their roof (they also had children), and got off work at an insane time, me being over there wasn't going to happen easily.
He took me out, we had a great time together, and he was fine. I thought I should mention all those things. The amount of time we spent together was small though, although I wasn't really sweating it b/c I honestly still had feelings for the ex, and was busy with school. I wasn't really paying attention to what was cooking in the oven, you know?
Now, there were a few prime times that came for him to take me there and to meet his family - and it didn't happen after he said it would. It was always something. At this point, I began to
dig. I should insert here that before we had slept together, I had run a background check that showed he was clear on marital status.
I did the search again, and obtained an address for a home owned by him. Now, I was never told the address of uncles house, but I knew the city and county. So when I saw the address listed under
his name, my heart just started thumping really hard. Remember, he didn't own a house? I knew then 90% chance I had been had, but I just couldn't stop there.
The report listed
many people that were family members, household members, or associates. Funny enough I didn't see the aunty and uncle name ANYWHERE on the list...and I didn't see the previous he had owned with wifey, but I sure saw her name right there under his (he had told it too me earlier - one of his slip ups I suppose).
The thing was, I couldn't determine from the first report about the divorce (whether it was final or even filed) b/c they had been married in a different state. Keep that in mind, ladies, you need to know where the marriage was originally held when you search....
So I was able to confirm he did own the house by going to clerk of courts. I also googled a phone number listed on the report and that was in her name. Now I am crying and shaking.
The next day, I decided to call the number, and ask for Mike. The conversation was really strange...a woman answered the phone, asked who I was. I said, "His girlfriend" rather strongly. She said, well, "Michael is married" I said, "Well, i was under impression he wasn't...is this Takiyah I am speaking with?" After a hesitation, she said she was. I said, well, I'm sorry about this, but I was told he was divorced. She said,
"Well, you know, you just have to do your research. They lie, you know. You just have to be on your toes" WTF?!
That lady did not seem to even care. So I was denied any satifaction he would at least get into some sort of trouble about it...he totally got away with it...
I left him a message stating I had spoken to someone who said she was his wife (still am not sure if it was her or not, but whatever), and he could leave me alone. He then called me back asking why I had left that message (crafy - he wanted to see just what damage had been done, I'm sure).
I told him most of what I had found. The funniest part was, when he told me he had no knowledge of his aunt and uncle's phone in his ex wife's name, and that he had no knowledge of his name being on the DEED of the home.
Oh, did I mention part of claim to fame was he bought and sold real estate? I don't think I have even been as insulted as I was at that time...what a stupid lie.
Anyway, that is how I busted him. He maintained that his wife must have pulled some trick and had him sign some papers but he didn't really know she was putting the house in his name - and he held that lie for a long time. It was pathetic.
So, that is my embarrassing story. Now I can't ever give any man any "benefit of the doubt". Everything must be clear and easy from the beginning, no long drawn out stories, nothing.
I feel sorry for the wife
.
ETA: I wanted to add, after reading what CD said, that this man had no rings either. After he was busted and trying to get me back, he tried to pull a "technicality" with me about his deception.
He said, "But I never said I was
divorced, I said I wasn't married; which is true b/c I don't feel married to her". I swear he said that.
And then I had to remind him that I had indeed asked him if he was divorced, and he was just a big fat liar.
He did later apologize to me, saying he knew I didn't want to date a married man and he had taken that choice from me. Small consolation.
And he never told me any of this. He considers that he isn't married to this woman, but for whatever reason they have not divorced. 
erplexed
.
, for real!
