Be sure of what you want.

[aribell]

Just a little story.

I had a couple of irritating and fatiguing dating experiences this past year, and got to the point where I was just adamant within myself that this year was going to be the year that I'd meet *him*. It was time, I felt. I talked to friends about it. I wanted it, and I prayed for it. I even set a timeline for myself, that I'd be in a relationship by my birthday (in a couple of months). So unrealistic, but hey, it's what I was adamant needed to happen.

Then, a couple of days later I met a man who seemed to be everything I wanted. He was cute. Loved his job and seemed like he'd meet all the goals he's set for himself. We shared the same beliefs and values. He immediately expressed his interest in me and was forthright about his intentions, which I really appreciate. And I kept being really forthright about my standards, just to see if it'd scare him off. I talked about faith, marriage, husband being the provider, etc. He was still on board. Said he wanted marriage and kids within a clear timeframe and wanted the next woman he got involved with to be the one he marries. And he wanted to know more and more about me.

Suddenly, I found myself really interested in everything the local Peace Corps recruiter had to say about moving abroad and living on another continent.

Yes, he was everything I had asked for it seemed. And yet when it was actually there, I saw that I really had no intentions whatsoever of getting married and having children any time soon. I still have lots to do. But, I didn't have the guts to let such a good one go. I was honest with him, though, that I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted. He didn't want to risk getting his feelings hurt and let down, and so he bowed out. Fair enough.

So, for those to whom this applies, are you really ready for something real, or do you just want it because you think that it's what you should want or because you think you might be missing out on something? Only a few may be able to relate, but how many of us are like kids who don't really *need* to have that toy until the kid next to us has it?

Do a self-assessment, and if you're really not ready, don't waste your energy running after something that you aren't ready to do what it takes to keep!

 

[Mai Tai]

Wow...I must say that many people are not strong enough to do the type of self reflection that you did to come to your conclusion.

I commend you for taking the time to think about what you really want, taking the time to go after it, and also respecting that man enough to be completely honest with him.

 

[BERlin]

I loved this enlightening post and hope your dreams for the Peace Corps come true.
I feel as if I've been dealing with some unhealthy relationship patterns. And if I'm listening to my heart correctly it's not so much that I want something "serious," as much as it is me wanting something "real," something unlike what I've known. It's really hard to be patient. Your post has reminded me of the difference between the two.

 

[AstroQueen77]

So, for those to whom this applies, are you really ready for something real, or do you just want it because you think that it's what you should want or because you think you might be missing out on something? Only a few may be able to relate, but how many of us are like kids who don't really *need* to have that toy until the kid next to us has it?

Do a self-assessment, and if you're really not ready, don't waste your energy running after something that you aren't ready to do what it takes to keep!

The thing is, I know what I don't want and I think that makes me think about the extreme (good marriage minded man etc.). I think women do that a lot and when it shows up, they don't know why they don't want it. I know that everyone at least wants an honest, stable relationship at some point. Im in a place where I just want to experience things...and not get with someone for a countdown to marriage. Its about the journey, not the destination for me. I believe you really cant know what you want until you have experienced a wide variety of things, especially in relationships.

 

[ambergirl]

Obviously only you know what's best for you, but it's not uncommon at all for resistance to come up when you're presented with what you have desired and it doesn't always mean you don't really want it any more. It might be worth looking into your change of heart to see if there are some assumptions or fears that are behind it.

 

[ctosha]

OP, thank you for this post this is exactly what I have been thinking about lately. Just the other day I said to myself am I really ready for kids and marriage and/or moving in with someone? My answer was a big fat no. I have been single for 6 months the question is am I ready for dating to potentially lead to a stable and loving relationship yes but that is all I am ready for at this point. It is always good to do some self reflection and it really does make a huge difference IMO.

 

[Maracujá]

Very good post OP. Like some of the ladies here stated, I may not be ready for it right now right now, but I wanna start building for it now. Like another LHCFer said in another thread, being single at my age is not so bad, if only someone could reassure me that it won't last a lifetime.

 

[aribell]

Obviously only you know what's best for you, but it's not uncommon at all for resistance to come up when you're presented with what you have desired and it doesn't always mean you don't really want it any more. It might be worth looking into your change of heart to see if there are some assumptions or fears that are behind it.

Your point is well taken, and I did think in posting that it may seem like I just got scared and ran. There's more backstory of course, like the fact that this was the 3rd person w/in a year and a half who wanted to talk marriage and I found some reason not to be interested. But still, good point.

I think that a lesson I've been learning is that you have to take yourself as you are, where you are. Not every feeling reflects an emotional complex, and not every emotional complex must be fixed right away. (I'm not saying you're saying that, it's just what I've been thinking about.) I think that in an unceasing effort to be our "best selves" we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be and to have what we are told we should be and should have. It can become difficult for women to step out and say, "Actually, my desires and priorities are x, not z, though everyone assumes that z is what I do or should want."

I would love for women to feel less pressure on themselves and to allow themselves to grow and be without the anxiety of thinking they are supposed to be other than they are--personally, relationally, whatever.