Be honest: Am I being overly bit**y or overthinking?

yokoyokogirl

yokoyokogirl

New Member
Ok two issues:

1. I came home from Japan and my parent's house looks like a closet has exploded everywhere. Boxes, bags, clothes, everywhere. Not dirty just incredibly JUNKY. Even my room is filled to the door with my MOM's stuff--I can't even sleep on my bed b/c it's covered in stuff.

How did this happen? And my mom is like "OH you have to help us clean before YOUR guest arrives." So she puts me to slave labor, cutting veggies, cooking meat, vacumning, changing sheets, wrapping presents. Which I don't mind, but then she complains about everything afterwards..."Oh you diced all that bell pepper by hand? You should have used the food processor..." or "Oh did you make the bed up with those sheets? You should have used the new ones". When I went out to get some last minute gifts, my Mom said "What time are you coming back?" Like I'm 15!!!

2. My SO arrived yesterday and instead of coming straight to stay with me, he went to his friends house til the 25th. (Which is ok, he asked if he could do that ok) so he calls me when he gets in, but I had to call him back. I call him back and he's basically ignoring me, talking to his friends wife in the background. I hang up and he doesn't even call me back! Then today, when he calls he mentions nothing about last night. So I asked him for the address of his friends place(since I will go pick him up from there tomorrow) and my SO goes "Why? Are you going to send him a Xmas card?" That really pissed me off.

I'm not on my period, so that can't be it. But I just feel really pissed off at both my Mom and my SO. Be honest. Am I overreacting?
 
ThickHair said:
Wow, WTH is going on? Something is not right and I have no idea what it is?
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I think you are overreacting on the parents. That's just how they are sometime and you said you don't mind helping, so suck it up.
Seems like your SO is acting funny though. And it's the holidays, so I wonder what's up. I would be annoyed too.
 
Strange indeed. Your parents are tripping but apparantely that's what parents do :rolleyes:

On the other hand your boo is something else. Why did he not want to stay with you when he came into town? Why is having convo with the friends wife and not you? Why didn't he call you back? Things that make you go "hmmm". I would ask him straight up if he still wants to come over tomorrow or not. Maybe he doesn't want to come over or he's notfeeling you and he's pulling some passive agressive ish...
 
Based on what you wrote it seems like everyone is stressed. Take a deepo breath, relax and don't let these incidents get to you. Regarding your boo, he could be nervous, anxious over mtg your fam. Don't get mad at him before you can solidify if there is an actual problem.
 
Ok thanks ladies.

Fresh info.
He had asked me before we came to the USA, if he could stay with his friend and wife for a couple of days. Granted this is the hairstylist guy, who is weird in my opinion-but I said ok. So he is supposed to come to my house on Xmas Day for dinner and stay from there.

So I called him and was like basically grilling him. I was like "why when I called you, were you in the background talking to your friends wife in Japanese. I called you, you could have waited for a conversation with her."
He said "he couldn't hear me and thought the phone was messed up."
Then I was like "Why were you tripping about giving me your friends address?"
He said "I don't know how to explain where he lives to you. So please talk to him yourself"

UGH. I was going to google directions duh.

But what really gets me is that this all took like 30 mins. I asked him a question and he literally talked about something else.

Me: Why didn't you call me back?
Him: I got a lot of stuff on sale.

WTF! And he just seems weird.

Then he says "You worry too much. You are thinking too much."

And I don't know if it's cause I'm stressed or what but I think what really pisses me off is the communication problem. I can't speak Japanese fluently, he really doesn't understand a lot of english (he thinks he does though) and
I think I'm getting tired of it.:ohwell:
 
yokoyokogirl said:
I think I'm getting tired of it.:ohwell:
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Wow. That line right there. I feel that you are really hurt. And no, you are not being irrational about the situation.

Either he is doing a HORRIBLE job at hiding an awesome gift he has for you hidden over his friend's house OR you are entering into jerky/loser territories.
 
Sounds like your mom is anxious about something. She's criticizing the green pepper instead of addressing whatever else she's really upset about. Have a talk with her. She's been missing you and probably doesn't want you to go back to Japan.

As for SO, he wanted to visit his friends and not have to worry about struggling with English or you not understanding Japanese. He is acting stanky. But that not hearing what your saying. Guy stuff right there. I would throw out more but I might be projecting. Just talk to mommy tell her you are so happy to see her and you don't want to be nit picked to death. The messy house just brush it off.
 
Do you two usually have communication problems?

Is he going back with you to your parent's house or what? Maybe he doesn't want to, but doesn't want to flat out say that.
 
I agree with Carrie A. Your mom does sound anxious and has Holiday stress syndrome and your BF does too. He probably did not want to stumble over English with his friends in hearing distance. I could see that. Still stank, yes, but typical guy stank.

Adding: He's probably nervous about being around your family and not speaking fluent "American" English too. I can't tell you how I dreaded visiting hubby's family for the Holidays the first few yrs we were together. Now it's old hat but I got real "stank" with him.
 
CandiceC said:
Do you two usually have communication problems?
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Yes. And that's a big problem. He is very selfish when it comes to talking and sometimes doesn't want to try and explain things in English. And I get tired of struggling with Japanese that I just ignore him and think "he'll figure it out". But I have noticed recently that I get annoyed more and more easily and I'm thinking "He's a nice guy, but I don't want to be explaining everything for the rest of my life.
Selfish, I know.


CandiceC said:
Is he going back with you to your parent's house or what? Maybe he doesn't want to, but doesn't want to flat out say that.
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Yes, he wanted to meet up with his friends the 23-25, and tonight the 25th, he's coming over to eat with us and stay with us til we go to N.O. for New Years.

But he is acting stank.

And to be honest, maybe I am too.

I don't like his friend cause I feel like he's suspect (in his personal life) and also I feel that he doesn't like me. FYI: When I first met him, he continued to talk about how my SO's ex girlfriend and how I am "not the type of girl he pictured him with"--WTF!

Plus his brother (the friend's brother sells weed) The only normal one is the Japanese wife but she is very bougious (spelling?) and stanky.
So I guess that's the real reason I don't like his friends, but I can't tell him that he can't meet them cause I know he didn't like some of my friends-ya know?:nono:

As for mom's she is probably stressed like you all mostly suggested. She currently calls her job the "slave ship" and her YT boss the "massa"- so she is stressed there. And with my brother's tuition being through the roof, I can understand her feelings. But why does she complain about everything??!!
 
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I think we just broke up.

I found out he went out drinking and smoked weed with his friends. He said I was acting like a detective on the phone, but I guess I had a reason to be. I'm so shocked. I feel like he came to the States and just got wild, when with his friend.

I tried explaining this to him and he apologized saying he was nervous to come over. But drinking and smoking weed?? WTF!

I'm so sad now, because he gave me a wonderful painting of us for Xmas but his actions are so wrong.

I think he is going to stay in a hotel the rest of his trip.
 
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! :( Stick to your guns if that's how you feel inside. I know this sucks, but I hope everything gets completely sorted out soon. Hugs!
 
I'm not sorry about your break up because he behaved as though he
did not want to come over to your Mother's home nor did he want you
around his friends. I don't think he wanted to be with you, which is
his loss. I am sorry that you seem to blaming yourself to some degree.

Your Mom was just probably stressed, as I was, over getting everything
together to provide you, your family, and friends with a nice Christmas.

You are a beautiful young woman with a lot to offer the right man. I
hope you are okay emotionally. Break ups are hard.
 
Wow.

Everyone sounds really stressed, under a lot of pressure from several different directions, out of their familiar space, and generally in a position/situation to make a lot of apparently inconsiderate/rash decisions that with a little thought/different situation, could have been made different/better.

Is this his first time meeting your parents? How long has it been since you've been stateside? :hug3: It sounds reallllly stressful, either way. I think - wow. I hope ya'll can work things out.
 
If this is his first time meeting and dare staying with your parents he has every reason to be nervous as Claude knows what. Just thank your lucky stars he was honest about smoking that pot and dranking once you grilled him. Please act like this man's girl and not his mother. I think then you'll get a better response and over all attitude from him. Yeah his friends may not be the best company or influence right now but he is a grown man and a nervous high one at that. LOL I know its uncomfy and kinda rude when folks speak in their native tongue but come on this is to be expected once in a while. Why you acting all jealous of his friends? Is this THE suspect friend?
 
So, what's going to happen when you guys go back to Japan?
He was probably nervous and stressed; in another country, meeting your parents, you were stressed, so was your mom. You two need to talk, when he's not drunk or high, in a language you both understand.
 
firecracker said:
If this is his first time meeting and dare staying with your parents he has every reason to be nervous as Claude knows what. Just thank your lucky stars he was honest about smoking that pot and dranking once you grilled him. Please act like this man's girl and not his mother. I think then you'll get a better response and over all attitude from him. Yeah his friends may not be the best company or influence right now but he is a grown man and a nervous high one at that. LOL I know its uncomfy and kinda rude when folks speak in their native tongue but come on this is to be expected once in a while. Why you acting all jealous of his friends? Is this THE suspect friend?
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Firecracker, your advice is usually on point.

This IS the suspect friend, but that doesn't matter. What I really hate about that Mr. Suspect is that when I first met him he talked to me all about my SO's ex and how he loved her so much and that I wasn't who "he pictured him with", so naturally I was like WTF. I never told SO about that until today.He was very shocked when he heard that. Which he said I should have mentioned to him before, but I didn't want to trip on his friend that I had just met.

Also this guy likes to drink and smoke weed. Weed is a felony in Japan but my SO did it before in the US and wanted to try it again. But he said he did it two days before coming to my house, but still I told him, what if you got robbed, or caught by the police??!!! It maybe wasn't likely, but I just didn't want him to do it.

He said he was nervous about meeting my parents and Mr.Suspect was like "this will help you chill out" . Then he also added that I acted like a total detective, which I do but only b/c when he was with that guy he was acting suspicious.

So when I said I wanted to break up, he said he got teared up and said to think about it, but my mind was made. If you can't be honest and talk about stuff, then what's the point. And the hanging out with pot smokers at the grown *** age of 33, is not cool.
So then in the morning, he said he would buy a ticket to go home, but we ended up talking about it and seems like he understands.

I don't know if I was being bi**y but I didn't like how he was acting, how this guy was influencing him, and how he was treating me.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
Firecracker, your advice is usually on point.

This IS the suspect friend, but that doesn't matter. What I really hate about that Mr. Suspect is that when I first met him he talked to me all about my SO's ex and how he loved her so much and that I wasn't who "he pictured him with", so naturally I was like WTF. I never told SO about that until today.He was very shocked when he heard that. Which he said I should have mentioned to him before, but I didn't want to trip on his friend that I had just met.

Also this guy likes to drink and smoke weed. Weed is a felony in Japan but my SO did it before in the US and wanted to try it again. But he said he did it two days before coming to my house, but still I told him, what if you got robbed, or caught by the police??!!! It maybe wasn't likely, but I just didn't want him to do it.

He said he was nervous about meeting my parents and Mr.Suspect was like "this will help you chill out" . Then he also added that I acted like a total detective, which I do but only b/c when he was with that guy he was acting suspicious.

So when I said I wanted to break up, he said he got teared up and said to think about it, but my mind was made. If you can't be honest and talk about stuff, then what's the point. And the hanging out with pot smokers at the grown *** age of 33, is not cool.
So then in the morning, he said he would buy a ticket to go home, but we ended up talking about it and seems like he understands.

I don't know if I was being bi**y but I didn't like how he was acting, how this guy was influencing him, and how he was treating me.
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Nooooooooooooo I don't want to hear y'all broke up :(

I really wish you give it time after the breakup to see if things may change. You seemed SO happy with him, but all that glitters isn't gold and I understand that.

I think- from the first post- everyone was nervous and anxious and your energy became irritated with it. Understandable, I have those moments where things rub me the wrong way and I'm like WTF?


 
yokoyokogirl said:
I'm not on my period, so that can't be it. But I just feel really pissed off at both my Mom and my SO. Be honest. Am I overreacting?
Click to expand...


No. That's what happens when you come back from abroad...you truly find out how folks "missed" you. LOL. Move out. Get new friends, even a new SO. I don't understand why Black women are often encouraged to stick it out with a guy that demonstrates bad behavior. Drugs...bad, bad, bad! And at 33, awful.
 
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I think you should give him another chance if this was all he did. Folks do act strange when they are in a new place around unfamiliar surroundings. It seems like maybe you wanted to break up over other things but this just put you over the top. It's not like he's a pot head and he will only be around his friend for a few days. Cut him a little slack. When you guys get back things will be different. You'll go back to your old ways.
 
Thanks for the advice.
We went to a Baptist church today, which was really good. I mean really really good. (I'm Catholic, but I will go anywhere) The focus was on patience and the preacher talked about bad ppl bringing you down. I think my SO took a lot in. He loves gospel music and even took some notes on the little paper they gave out. It was interesting.

I have decided to work it out. And be more patient.

I really think it was the friend that was causing a lot of issues to occur. When we talked it over the other night, he was surprised at some of the stuff I said.

I really love him and I think he is inherently a good person, but maybe easily deterred by some guy here who he thought was his "friend".

Last night, my SO really bonded with my mom. They were up trying to find deals on amazon (boring) but they seemed to get along, so I think things are going to work out.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
Thanks for the advice.
We went to a Baptist church today, which was really good. I mean really really good. (I'm Catholic, but I will go anywhere) The focus was on patience and the preacher talked about bad ppl bringing you down. I think my SO took a lot in. He loves gospel music and even took some notes on the little paper they gave out. It was interesting.

I have decided to work it out. And be more patient.

I really think it was the friend that was causing a lot of issues to occur. When we talked it over the other night, he was surprised at some of the stuff I said.

I really love him and I think he is inherently a good person, but maybe easily deterred by some guy here who he thought was his "friend".

Last night, my SO really bonded with my mom. They were up trying to find deals on amazon (boring) but they seemed to get along, so I think things are going to work out.
Click to expand...

This is so nice to hear. I'm so happy for you that things seem to be working out. :yep:
 
GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:
No. That's what happens when you come back from abroad...you truly find out how folks "missed" you. LOL. Move out. Get new friends, even a new SO. I don't understand why Black women are often encouraged to stick it out with a guy that demonstrates bad behavior. Drugs...bad, bad, bad! And at 33, awful.
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I don't know about sticking it out with a druggie or a dude that is treating her foul but I think this is a one time incident. Along with his friends in the states being foul as hel and not good company. That boy was nervous shot. :lachen: Hopefully he will learn his lesson and stop the madness. Yoko you can show concern without it looking like your parenting a grown man though. Its not what you say sometimes its how you say it. Hell I smoked weed and didn't date dudes that did so I'm not mad at you. Who wants a druggie or alcoholic for a mate? :nono: My exhubby is still a weedhead since his teens what a damn shame with his sorry behind! :nono:

Yoko be glad that suspect stupid friend is in the states and not where you guys live. Eventually your guy is going to have to dump that fool. I wanna punch his butt for you. The friend that is.
 
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yokoyokogirl said:
Thanks for the advice.
We went to a Baptist church today, which was really good. I mean really really good. (I'm Catholic, but I will go anywhere) The focus was on patience and the preacher talked about bad ppl bringing you down. I think my SO took a lot in. He loves gospel music and even took some notes on the little paper they gave out. It was interesting.

I have decided to work it out. And be more patient.

I really think it was the friend that was causing a lot of issues to occur. When we talked it over the other night, he was surprised at some of the stuff I said.

I really love him and I think he is inherently a good person, but maybe easily deterred by some guy here who he thought was his "friend".

Last night, my SO really bonded with my mom. They were up trying to find deals on amazon (boring) but they seemed to get along, so I think things are going to work out.
Click to expand...

Relationships are hard work, and from how you've explained everything on here I think you are doing the right thing.
 
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