nodisrespect
New Member
So I'm a psych major, and I came across some truly helpful information that I've been meaning to start sharing with the world. I meant to make a big to do about it in my livejournal but have been too lazy to do it.
Well, we are about to get psychoanalytical up in this beeitch. It's not going to work if you aren't honest, so when you pick a style, pick one that TRULY DESCRIBES YOUR ATTITUDES AND FEELINGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. Do not just pick the one that sounds the best because then you aren't going to learn anything.
a.) "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."
b.) "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me."
c.) "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."
Did you pick one? Good. Write it down or make a note of it before you continue reading.
Attachment styles are the kind of bonds we form early in life which will go on to influence the kinds of relationships we have as adults. This is usually judged by the type of relationship an infant has with its primary caregiver. The assumption here is that the particular attachment style we learn as infants becomes the working model for what relationships are like.
In infants with a secure attachment, caregivers are responsive to their needs and show positive emotions when interacting with them. These infants trust their caregivers, are not worried about being abandoned, and come to view themselves as worthy and well liked.
Infants with an avoidant attachment typically have caregivers who are aloof and distant, rebuffing the infants' attempts to establish intimacy. These infants desire to be close to their caregiver but learn to suppress this need, as if they know that attempts to be intimate will be rejected. People with this style find it difficult to develop intimate relationships.
Infants with an anxious attachment have caregivers who are inconsistent and overbearing in their affection. These infants are unusually anxious because they can never predict when and how their caregivers will respond to their needs.
That's right. If you have fcked up relationships in adulthood, you can go ahead and blame it on mom.
But how does this information help YOU, dashing single woman about town?
Choice A is the avoidant attachment style. B is secure. C is anxious. People who had a secure relationship with their parents/primary caregiver are able to develop mature, lasting relationships as adults. People who had avoidant relationships are less able to trust others and find it difficult to develop close, intimate relationships. People who had anxious relationships want to become close to their adult partners but worry that their partners will not return their affections.
Now, the fun averages of attachment styles in relationships.
Securely attached adults report that they easily become close to other people, readily trust others, and have satisfying romantic relationships. Those with an avoidant style report that they are uncomfortable becoming close to others, find it hard to trust others, and have less satisfying romantic relationships. And people with an anxious style tend to have less satisfying relationships but of a different type: they are likely to be obsessive and preoccupied with their relationships, fearing that their partners do not want to be as intimate or as close as they desire them to be.
Securely attached individuals have the most enduring, long term romantic relationships. They experience the highest level of commitment to the relationship as well as the highest level of satisfaction. The anxious individuals have the most short lived romantic relationships; they enter into romantic relationships the most quickly, often before they know their partners well. They are also the most upset and angriest of the three types when their love is not reciprocated. Finally, avoidant individuals are the least likely to enter into a romantic relationship and the most likely to report never having been in love. They maintain their distance in relationships and have the lowest level of commitment to their relationship.
So now you know what fcked you up as a child, how things will be in the future accordingly, and what you can expect from your future relationships. Great. So what type of attachment styles work best for having a relationship?
Anxious and avoidant people become couples because they both match each other's relationship schema (working model/stereotype): anxious people expect to be more invested in their relationships than their partners, and avoidant people expect to be less committed than their partners. Boom: both expectations get met! But are these relationships happy ones? Not really; anious/avoidant pairs report little satisfaction with their relationships and negative, problematic communication patterns. The twist here is that these relationships ARE NOT usually short lived: one type of anxious/avoidant pair has very stable relationships... anxious women and avoidant men. Their relationships can be as stable as secure/secure ones. This is probably due to gender stereotypes: Anxious women display stereotypically feminine traits, like investing a lot of energy into the relationship, demonstrate concern about how the relationship is doing, and engaging in "caretaking" behavior towards their partners. Likewise, avoidant men behave stereotypically masculine: invest little energy into the relationship, show and share little emotion and avoid discussions about the relationship. Although these relationships are far less positive than secure/secure combinations, they believe that the problems are due to the person's gender: "He's just being a guy/women are like that." So they tolerate their partner's behavior because it fits their stereotype for the opposite sex. And what about if the man is anxious and the woman is avoidant? These relationships don't last long. Each partner views the other's behavior as especially troubling and negative because it deviates so far from the stereotypical pattern of gender behavior.
But buck up, little camper; attachment styles aren't permanent, and people do change and grow with experience. So if you aren't the coveted "secure" attachment, you could learn to be later after a couple knuckleheads or so, or if that mythical "right one" ever comes along. People may respond to situational cues in the relationship, displaying a more secure attachment style in one and a more anxious style in another. So all hope is not lost. Chemistry and compatibility have a role in there too. Just keep this in mind when you are judging others - there's more going on to why people behave in relationships as they do than "she didn't have a daddy" or "he's just a dog" or whatever. It's not just attachment style alone, but the dynamic between two people as well. Equally important.
As for me, personally, I am an avoidant style, and I have found each identifying measure of it to be 100% accurate to my experiences.
Well, we are about to get psychoanalytical up in this beeitch. It's not going to work if you aren't honest, so when you pick a style, pick one that TRULY DESCRIBES YOUR ATTITUDES AND FEELINGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. Do not just pick the one that sounds the best because then you aren't going to learn anything.
a.) "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."
b.) "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me."
c.) "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."
Did you pick one? Good. Write it down or make a note of it before you continue reading.
Attachment styles are the kind of bonds we form early in life which will go on to influence the kinds of relationships we have as adults. This is usually judged by the type of relationship an infant has with its primary caregiver. The assumption here is that the particular attachment style we learn as infants becomes the working model for what relationships are like.
In infants with a secure attachment, caregivers are responsive to their needs and show positive emotions when interacting with them. These infants trust their caregivers, are not worried about being abandoned, and come to view themselves as worthy and well liked.
Infants with an avoidant attachment typically have caregivers who are aloof and distant, rebuffing the infants' attempts to establish intimacy. These infants desire to be close to their caregiver but learn to suppress this need, as if they know that attempts to be intimate will be rejected. People with this style find it difficult to develop intimate relationships.
Infants with an anxious attachment have caregivers who are inconsistent and overbearing in their affection. These infants are unusually anxious because they can never predict when and how their caregivers will respond to their needs.
That's right. If you have fcked up relationships in adulthood, you can go ahead and blame it on mom.
But how does this information help YOU, dashing single woman about town?
Choice A is the avoidant attachment style. B is secure. C is anxious. People who had a secure relationship with their parents/primary caregiver are able to develop mature, lasting relationships as adults. People who had avoidant relationships are less able to trust others and find it difficult to develop close, intimate relationships. People who had anxious relationships want to become close to their adult partners but worry that their partners will not return their affections.
Now, the fun averages of attachment styles in relationships.
Securely attached adults report that they easily become close to other people, readily trust others, and have satisfying romantic relationships. Those with an avoidant style report that they are uncomfortable becoming close to others, find it hard to trust others, and have less satisfying romantic relationships. And people with an anxious style tend to have less satisfying relationships but of a different type: they are likely to be obsessive and preoccupied with their relationships, fearing that their partners do not want to be as intimate or as close as they desire them to be.
Securely attached individuals have the most enduring, long term romantic relationships. They experience the highest level of commitment to the relationship as well as the highest level of satisfaction. The anxious individuals have the most short lived romantic relationships; they enter into romantic relationships the most quickly, often before they know their partners well. They are also the most upset and angriest of the three types when their love is not reciprocated. Finally, avoidant individuals are the least likely to enter into a romantic relationship and the most likely to report never having been in love. They maintain their distance in relationships and have the lowest level of commitment to their relationship.
So now you know what fcked you up as a child, how things will be in the future accordingly, and what you can expect from your future relationships. Great. So what type of attachment styles work best for having a relationship?
Anxious and avoidant people become couples because they both match each other's relationship schema (working model/stereotype): anxious people expect to be more invested in their relationships than their partners, and avoidant people expect to be less committed than their partners. Boom: both expectations get met! But are these relationships happy ones? Not really; anious/avoidant pairs report little satisfaction with their relationships and negative, problematic communication patterns. The twist here is that these relationships ARE NOT usually short lived: one type of anxious/avoidant pair has very stable relationships... anxious women and avoidant men. Their relationships can be as stable as secure/secure ones. This is probably due to gender stereotypes: Anxious women display stereotypically feminine traits, like investing a lot of energy into the relationship, demonstrate concern about how the relationship is doing, and engaging in "caretaking" behavior towards their partners. Likewise, avoidant men behave stereotypically masculine: invest little energy into the relationship, show and share little emotion and avoid discussions about the relationship. Although these relationships are far less positive than secure/secure combinations, they believe that the problems are due to the person's gender: "He's just being a guy/women are like that." So they tolerate their partner's behavior because it fits their stereotype for the opposite sex. And what about if the man is anxious and the woman is avoidant? These relationships don't last long. Each partner views the other's behavior as especially troubling and negative because it deviates so far from the stereotypical pattern of gender behavior.
But buck up, little camper; attachment styles aren't permanent, and people do change and grow with experience. So if you aren't the coveted "secure" attachment, you could learn to be later after a couple knuckleheads or so, or if that mythical "right one" ever comes along. People may respond to situational cues in the relationship, displaying a more secure attachment style in one and a more anxious style in another. So all hope is not lost. Chemistry and compatibility have a role in there too. Just keep this in mind when you are judging others - there's more going on to why people behave in relationships as they do than "she didn't have a daddy" or "he's just a dog" or whatever. It's not just attachment style alone, but the dynamic between two people as well. Equally important.
As for me, personally, I am an avoidant style, and I have found each identifying measure of it to be 100% accurate to my experiences.
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